|Reviews for Louie The Savior|
| Victoria-White-Cat chapter 1 . 3/3/2013
I get way too excited whenever I see Louis, he's my favourite character ever!
| teacupz chapter 1 . 2/25/2012
continuing the previous review -sorry it got really long _;-, in the end, I like this fic and the creativity that's poured into it. I was a bit scared at first when you mentioned about Rachel but I'm glad you decided to not throw the same humor you did in 'Bookmark' for the whole story cause it sure would feel repetitive. it's nice that you allow a huge set of fresher humor to show instead cause those are certainly nice to see. ;)
and my favorite part is certainly when Kyle phoned the people in the other rooms. again, everyone is so IC and this certainly proves that humor can be combined with a nice characterization. haha.
it's just so IC when Kyle got mad, when Rachel went flirty over him, when Summer said 'have you no manners, my good man?', when Helen forgot about Kyle, when Louie said 'trip and all of his other trademarks', and most of all... Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. X'D -slapped- oh, I think Kyle is the most IC one, but I just love Rosa in this fic. way to go, Rosa! leave Kyle alone in that basement! ;P -slammed-
I like the whole idea of mixing some stuffs from different chapters, like the kiss that Kyle supposed to give to Mila -but in this case, it's Louie to Kyle, haha _;-. I also think the ending is cool in a hanging way, although I feel that there're more rooms you can expand about where Louie went when Kyle's still locked in the basement.
well, it's still nice, though. I like the amount of creativity in this fic and it definitely still brings the game's universe to me, so great work! ;D
also, congrats for the improvements you've been having, especially on the characterizations and humor, I think. :) the technical stuffs are getting greater too, but may I ask if you use anything like grammar check? I mean, it sure can help you out to notice some small things like 'should've save', 'uncover', or 'attack'. overall, it's good, though. :) the amount of descriptions are also nice and have a nice balance with the dialogues.
well... I guess that's all. another well-written fic from you. thanks for writing it and good luck on your next ones. ;)
| teacupz chapter 1 . 2/25/2012
hello, there, ruki. thank you again for telling me about this fic of yours cause I was literally having a Hotel Dusk moment at the time you told me; and it sure is a bit sad to know that this fandom seems to progress too slowly -in my opinion- from the first time I went here... _; although, I'm glad for people like you whom still write something about the game despite the fandom's condition. hopefully your kind effort will help it marvel a bit; and it's also nice to see such a nice and canon contribution to the fandom like this. thank you for writing it. X)
as you already knew, I'm certainly a terrible reader, especially when it comes to humor, so I hope you won't mind to correct me if any of my opinions are wrong. heh. thank you before; and onto the review, then! :)
firstly, about the humor: I think it's great! :D I mean, personally, it's something that I find more exciting to read than metafictions -again, personal opinion _;- cause it has a lot of inside and fun-making canon jokes that surely can really entertain the fans of the game. it looks to me that you really put a great attention on the characterizations and canon events; and that's why, so far, your biggest strength seems to lie on those two elements, in my opinion. :)
I also think there's a great improvement in the grammar from what's already good in 'Bookmark'. well, there are still some things that I'd like to point, though, so I hope you won't mind. ;) heh. thank you before.
so, to start off, I found the description 'middle of night' and thought it may be more proper if you add 'the' right after 'of'. it's subjective and I don't have any references for it, though, so I'm probably just stating it without any sense of responsibility. XD -slapped- feel free to disagree. haha.
for something less subjective, I also saw that you wrote 'should've save' somewhere in the story; and since things that are written after 'have' or its equivalent usually transform into its third form, then I think you probably know why I decided to mention this line to you. :)
- After I uncover Dunning is Osterzone, I decided to look for a way out. / I think this sentence is missing a 'that'. I don't know why, but the sentence sounds more complete for me if you add 'that' after the word 'uncover'; but that's me... _; heh. then again, I also think that it might be more proper to use 'uncovered' instead; for the fact that you use 'decided' as the activity that Kyle does after he uncovered Dunning's secret. I mean... erm... it's a little hard for me to explain, but I'll try... _;
so... erm... basically, I think there're two activities in this sentence: uncovering Dunning's secret and deciding to look for a way out. and sorry, but I just found it a little odd that the second activity is written in past tense when the activity that's done before it is written in present. therefore, I personally think that 'uncovered' is more grammatically correct. :) well... there's another thing you can try, which is to use gerund: '[uncovering] that Dunning is Osterzone'.
- Louie never come / for me, 'comes' or 'came' could fit the sentence more than 'come'. :) it's because Louie is a form of 'he' and I believe that every verb that follows such subject is added by an 's' -I think you already know this, though :)-. in my opinion, writing in present tense can get really confusing sometimes because of this matter -that's why I think using past tense for the whole fic is a lot safer, haha XD; slapped-, so I guess you can put more focus on these stuffs on your future fics if you decide to write in mixed tense like this again. heh. :)
- Hear me out, I was locked in the basement and the damn door won't open, and my friend's not coming to save me too. What should I do? I almost lost my breathe here because I was locked in the basement, which mean a place with limited air. / first of all, I love it that Kyle cusses here. it makes him feel so IC. X) haha. then again, I also think that there's a redundance of 'basement' here. I think it'd feel more effective if he didn't mention about the basement in the third sentence. another option that I can suggest to you is to shape the sentence a bit; for example [I almost lost my breath here because, for hell's sake, it's a basement! It's a place with limited air!].
anyway, if you decide to keep the 'which', then I think it'd be more grammatically correct if you use 'means' instead of 'mean'. after all, the 'basement' here is an equivalent to 'it', no? :D
also, about the word 'breathe', as far as I know, it's only used when you're describing the action; the verb. but, in the line up there, you used it to describe a noun, so it just seems a little odd for me. sorry... _; from what I've learned, the word 'breath' is the one that's more preferable to use in such situation, just like what you did in the first paragraph. hope this share helps, somehow. :) and if you agree with me, I think there's also another line when Kyle said 'My breathe...' somewhere before Louie's POV. heh.
- "You're still calling me to help your problem, knowing that you can just phone your friend to come by unlocked the door for you." / don't know about you, but I personally think the words 'help you with your problem' and 'and unlock' the door are more suiting to the sentence than 'help your problem' and 'unlocked'. _; hmm...
- I put the phone back to it's hook and the line went dead. / I must say that I'm slightly getting unsure by days cause of finding this case in a lot of fics -so feel free to point me to some references that're against my opinion :)-, but my selfishness seems to push me to state this... sorry... _; well, shortly, it's about the usage of [it's] and [its]. as far as I know, [it's] is an abbreviation from [it is], while [its] shows something that the subject -that's referred as 'it'- owns. and getting the idea that what you're after is more likely the ownership one, then I think it'll be more proper to remove the apostrophe from the sentence. :) but, again, that's what I know.
- Rosa and Louie were waiting at the wine cellar place, while the other people sleeping in their rooms. / in my opinion, the sentence seems to be missing a 'were'. I don't know why, but for me, it just seems incomplete this way... _; sorry for connecting this to some stuffs in bahasa Indonesia, but perhaps it may help if you imagine what the 'while' here means. personally, from the way it's brought, I think this 'while' means 'sedangkan' and not 'saat', so it just seems right to me to add 'were' to the sentence. _; -sigh- hope this doesn't confuse you that much...
- Summer hung up and phone line dead. / personally, I think the sentence would feel more complete if some words are added to the description about the phone line; for example 'the phone line went dead' or 'the phone line was soon dead'.
- So, I let the hung up the phone and planned to call Jeff Angel. / there are two words in this line that seem to be appear out of the blue, I believe. could you please give it a read-through and perhaps tell me if you also sense the same oddity? :)
- Before I could've talk / sorry again for using bahasa Indonesia, but since 'before' means 'sebelum' and 'have' means 'sudah', I feel that there's some sort of contradiction in this sentence. my suggestion would be to use 'could' instead of 'could've' to avoid the contradiction and the grammar issue.
- I was paused for a moment… / well, since it seems that there's no outforce here that makes Kyle unable to move for a while, I think the word 'was' isn't completely needed. heh.
- "How rude, Mr. Hyde." Said a woman. / this line tickles me. haha. XD I can imagine Rosa's expression when she said it. -slapped with frying pan- although, as far as I know, when dialogue is continued with something like 'said', it's more proper to connect it with the dialogue; basically replacing the comma with period and writing the 'S' in lower case. or else, you could just use your usual way on writing such descriptions; by starting with a subject, or simply... something like 'A woman said'. :)
- You're waiting for Louie for your savior? / heh, the sentence feels a bit redundant for me. how about replacing the second 'for' with something that might fit more? :) 'to be', maybe?
- His condition in the basement is locked in the room on that basement. / sorry, but the sentence just appears to be not really effective for me. _; I think 'He's locked in the room on the basement' is already enough to be put as a response, although that's probably only me... heh.
- I think I know where is this THAT refers to. / since this sentence is a statement and not a question, I don't think the word 'is' is that necessary. :)
- but he attack me with his stinky breath. / a little grammar problem on 'attack'. probably the same thing with the 'uncover' I mentioned at the beginning. hope you won't mind to check it? ;)
- "Is that so? So that's why I'm having strangest dream and the end of the dream, I smelled Louie's stinky breath." / subjectively, I feel like the sentence could feel more complete if you add 'the' after 'having' since it's followed by a superlative and 'at' after 'and' so some kind of connection can be made. heh.
- How could you let me going to die? / if I may ask, are you trying to describe that Kyle almost died when you said 'going to die'. if so, then I think 'dying' might be an option you can consider for the sentence. thank you again. X)
I guess that's all the technical stuffs that I found. thank you so much for reading and perhaps considering them. I hope you won't mind to correct me too for some things that you're not sure of and feel free to ask more through PM if my explanations are too messy to be easily understood. XD haha. -kicked-