|Reviews for Frozen|
| Sasha the Spectacular chapter 1 . 1/6/2012
Yeah, I hate present tense, too. It's really good. I never considered that his loss of his narcolepsy was bad.
| GreatKateZonkeyMachine chapter 1 . 1/1/2012
You don't like writing in present tense? Could've fooled me. This story was masterfully written. Kahlan Aisling already pointed out one absolutely brilliant paragraph. I'd like to also say that the whole concept behind this story is brilliant in a number of ways. There's the ironic aspect of it, and also I think there's the underlying message about the unforeseen consequences of tampering with the nature of something or someone. It's a very Jurassic-Park-ish moral. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I don't know if the lack of horizontal barriers was intentional, but it worked, I think. The way you wrote it doesn't seem like it's missing a barrier, it's a rather smooth transition in all cases. The way it's written suggests "waking up" in a way from the previous scene, which also adds to the psychological unsettlement of this story.
I'm afraid I won't be much help with tense mistakes; I'm terrible about those. Even in proofreading, I just don't notice it. It's been the bane of several essays. As for grammatical errors, I only noticed one: "Did you get my letter detailing me problem?" Judging by Mr. Benedict's usual dialect, I'm guessing you wanted "my" instead of "me".
| ka has moved chapter 1 . 12/31/2011
Long time no PM~
You did much better than you think you did, Grammar, and I have a lot of respect for you now (not that I didn't have a great amount before!) that you've forced yourself to do an excercise in what you knew was a weakness. Not many people will do that; kudos to you!
As for the CC, you're right, you did slip up with the tense here and there, but only in the really confusing places. For example, you used past tense when referring to Reynie being right; you could have used present tense there and would have still been correct and slightly less jarring. There are a few other instances too, but that's the one I remember most. A good rule of thumb: if it happened less than a few days ago, you can most likely still use present tense. Don't worry, keep at it and you'll figure it out! Reading present tense helps too, so you may want to make a point to read books written in it.
"Would it be right for him to risk his life after Constance risked hers so that he wouldn't have to? What if she had, in fact, escaped? What if she hadn't?"
I just wanted to point out that I think that line is brilliant. It expresses a moral dilemma many of us face; is it right to give up what someone has given us in order to do the right thing? How many wrongs make a right? How many rights make a wrong? And so on. Also, your explanation for Mr. Benedict's paralysis was deliciously psychological, too. I wonder what it is Reynie teaches?
(Katherine Wuthering? Katie, Wuthering Heights? Did I get it? Or is this a random connection?)
The drabbling was a little bit confusing since you didn't have any difference between scenes, but a part of me wants to say you did that deliberately; I know that I like to ignore separation between dreams sequences and real-life scenes in order to make the effect of waking up as jarring for the reader as it is for the character (it's one of my favorite devices, mua ha ha). And the scene at the beginning was rather... random. It didn't have much to do with the rest of the story except to set up that Mr. Benedict has a problem to solve; if that's what it was, it came across very much like an info dump.
I will say that I absolutely loved this plot and that you chose a rare character to write it about. It makes sense in context and I can believe it actually happens in the world of the books, and the way you chose to pull it off was beautiful. I think that you would have done a better job in past tense, but that's only because you're new to present tense and again, you did really well for your first time.
(Although, the present tense really does work for this story.)
I hope to see more from you in the future, Grammar!
| Truly Hopeless chapter 1 . 12/31/2011
I really liked this story, Mr. Benedict is another character that isn't written about very often in this fandom, as well as his brother. I only spotted one error where you put "me" instead of "my," making Mr. Benedict come off as a little Irish, if you ask me but other than that, it was good, especially for your first time writing in present tense, I'm still relatively new to it myself.
Have a happy new year,