|Reviews for One By One|
| DualKatanas chapter 6 . 7/24/2012
Firstly, apologies for taking so long, and secondly, apologies for the low quality of this review due to the idiotic new system... (though it's taken me so long to get here that it can't really be called a new system) I'll have to read the entire thing and then do a lot of scrolling...
Right... *cracks fingers* Let's do this... and I'll immediately note that your Altmer's name couldn't possibly be more Altmerish. Which is a good thing, obviously... though smoothing her robe over her legs instantly made me think of flirting, which she most definitely isn't. Maybe I'm just a pervert...
'In all honesty the woman was as scared as the rest of them.' - 'In all honesty' seems just a bit amateurish to me, almost as though Taelandra is making her thoughts know to the audience without thinking, if you get my meaning. I'd have used 'Privately' instead. Conveys the same message, but in a better way.
'It wasn't much of an office, truth to be told, but it was the closest she could get to an office;' - and there is is again; 'truth to be told' has the same effect - to me at least - as that 'In all honesty' from earlier. You don't need it and an 'In truth,' tacked on the start of the sentence would work just as well.
'And an enemy that was afraid of death was twice as formidable as any other.' - I get the feeling that Gorgoth and Taelandra could have an interesting discussion about this point of view... ;)
A spell on the Priory doors is all very well, but... they can just get in through a window easily enough. I don't see why she puts so much effort into protecting just one point of entry. Determined people don't have to use doors.
'whipping it into the stomach of the second man – who tried to block it with her arm to no avail – and slashing him' - given the situation of incredible fast-paced combat, I wouldn't have put that hyphenated section in. It slows the flow down a lot, and while it does give a slightly better picture of what happened, you don't strictly need it.
The resistance... makes sense. The Roman Empire wasn't conquered in a day, and the same could be said for Titus Mede's campaign for the rule of the Empire.
And you'll have noted by now that this review is considerably shorter than normal, mainly because I've decided to cut down on the useless commentary that I used to throw out excessively, partly because of the new reviewing system, and partly because there wasn't much to criticise. Your action - while not being at Anthony Riches standard - is good considering that you hate writing it, and the plot/story is progressing well now. The slow, slightly boring build-up is over and now significant events are starting to happen... always good to see.
Before I forget: yes, it was a good chapter. Then again, this is you. I'd expect nothing less... and one last thing: Don't worry about update times, because I'm hopeless at that right now.
| Commentaholic - Alpha 02 chapter 6 . 7/8/2012
Heh, for a moment there I thought - when you mentioned a warlord - that Velvet might make an appearance. Naaaah :P Silly of me, really.
Taelandra... sounds familiar. I dunno why. Probably a character name I've seen before.
Ooh! Right! Telaendril was a similar name. That was it. Not related, blates.
Anywho. Nicely done with the whole 'last defender' thinggummy. Got those thugs characterised properly, as far as I could tell.
Keep up the good work, dear.
| Commentaholic - Alpha 02 chapter 5 . 7/8/2012
Great chapter as an account for the aftermath of the Battle of the IC. A guard's viewpoint is one of the best ways to depict the city because they get all the details (or at least most of them) and give clear, detailed reports. And Septimus had great ties into the main plot of BiA, which makes this chapter even better because it tosses emotional attachment in there with it.
| DeusExfreak chapter 4 . 7/5/2012
Still damn well written, Arty. And some interesting madness on Robert's part.
This part confused me though: "The eastern bridge, part of him supposed - a part that had not spoken in some time; the rest of him merely leant heavily on the brick wall that flanked it and looked over, trying to find a way down."
And also, the following paragraph is a bit awkwardly worded: "His hands were cracked and blistered and they shook – why did they always shake? – to the extent that he had once tried to cut them off with a knife." Just had to read this a few times before understanding it. I think substituting "so much so" for "to the extent" would work better. Otherwise it sounds like "he had tried to cut them off" is the qualifier for them shaking at first, which obviously makes no sense.
And so is this one: "It was a fruitless journey though; Tamika and the Surilie Brothers had all placed armed guards on their vineyards to protect them from thieving hands and any soldiers that might pass this way from Anvil expecting to feed themselves without paying. It had happened before." That's another awkward bit. Just stop after "thieving hands." I had to read this a few times to figure out what you meant about the soldiers, because you mention the soldiers from Anvil so close to the guards (it makes me think they are the same people), and yet keep them distinct from the thieves.
But seriously, interesting stuff here. I especially liked how the skooma addled man identified the main characters to himself.
| SneakyDevil chapter 6 . 6/27/2012
Good chapter as always. Gratz on life.
| juanml chapter 6 . 6/25/2012
Great story! I like the setting of the postwar Cyrodil, and you've made some nice, conflicted characters. Keep up the good work, this is fanfiction worth reading!
| DeusExfreak chapter 3 . 6/22/2012
Arty...you updating made me realize how I've fallen behind with your story. You've got some really beautiful writing here. Some really poetic descriptions. Only a few things stuck out to me in the chapter negatively:
-Finny's attitude seems to jump around a bit during her conversation with the ostler. Maybe I'm not following it right but she seems to move between cheeriness and sadness and anger rather quickly
-You adopt the lore from Notes on Racial Phylogeny regarding interracial breeding, but Arathor seems to have taken as many traits from his father as his mother, given his inbetween height and skin tone. I personally don't like that piece of lore, I think it was Bethesda's cheap way out of making crossbreeds, but embrace it fully or reject it fully.
Also, I did not entirely understanding what this meant:
"County Kvatch was located north of the city, though it could take almost half a day to reach it from the gates of the city unless one learned how to scale a sheer cliff edge or simply to fly, and that too seemed to be between the Gold Coast and the Colovian Highlands."
But regardless, this is almost professional quality writing. Very nice work.
| GalaxyInfinite chapter 5 . 5/20/2012
This is good.
Please write more.
| DualKatanas chapter 5 . 3/30/2012
And so I finally come to review this... blame a work placement, Silverstone and a seized alternator for the delay. At least I'm spared guilt... anyhow, on with the review.
You would, wouldn't you... yes, things do tend to go wrong on Thursday/Turdas. Odd that it manages to happen in both universes... ;) Anyhow, it's fitting. And I do like Mr. Serocold. Just like I like Primo Varius... got to love named generics. ;)
Hmm... this agreement with the Grey Fox seems a tad too lenient, unless it's only specifically the Fox that can steal without punishment... if it was the entire Guild then things probably wouldn't be so civilised.
An old, drained soldier... yeah, that's what happens to a lot of em. Now you know why Gorgoth always wants a cause to fight for... that's what gives him strength in the absence of hope.
Yeah, I'd say it's sacreligious, given that it was the Nine that saved them all in the first place by giving them Idari... haven't these people read Darkness? Honestly, some people...
Nearly fifty... yeah, I'd say that's old for someone who's been a guardsman most of their life, what with their lower life expectancy and all that. Besides, he lived through the Crisis... trying times, those. Enough to age someone prematurely.
And thus these two make an entrance and bring this saga firmly to the attention of some bloke who glimpsed the Hero of Kvatch more than once...
Of course they're sight-seeing... it's not every day you see a dragon, even a petrified one. Especially given that this particular dragon used to be Martin Septim, saviour of Tamriel... a sight worth seeing, for sure.
Perceptive she is, most definitely. A tad TOO perceptive, methinks. She's not Sherlock Holmes, and while skooma addiction might be easy to pick up on if you're alert, knowledge of the affair of a complete stranger is a tad unrealistic.
Oh, crivvens, here come the other two, one of whom forces herself into the centre of attention in a bundle of pink-haired white-skinned excitement. Not that I'm complaining. I rather like her.
Aye, Turner's still alive right now, of that I'm sure. He'll live to a ripe old age, simply because he's too lucky to die early. Though he might suffer a heart attack if a certain albino jumps in front of him and starts screaming about the Hero of Kvatch. Poor sod. I hope he's somewhere safe... ;)
I subconsiously grin at any mention of Ilend Vonius in a fic. I have no idea why...
Being remembered might be a good thing depending on who you are... few people remember guard captains, but some might be willing to remember survivors of the battles of the Crisis. But would those people WANT to be remembered...?
Oh, crivvens, not that Breton battlemage. I can imagine what HE'D do to these young historians... though war HAS changed people. Anyhow, yes, a lot of people are going to be remembered if Finny ever gets her way, I can see that now...
Overall, a good chapter, as ever. As you can tell, I hardly have any things to point out any more... at least that's a sign of improvement (though I could probably find a few things if I looked hard enough). That said, however... your writing is good, you don't make many mistakes, your characters are good, the decription, dialogue, etc... it's all good. Despite that, I've come to realise that this fic is actually boring me. There's nothing wrong with the writing, I just feel completely apathetic and mostly uninterested in what's happening. What's happened so far? Four young people from Kvatch have met a madman and a guard captain. Yes, there has to be a building-up stage in any fic, but right now I find myself uncaring of what actually happens. Maybe in future chapters, it'll get more gripping, but for now, I'm just reading on in the hope that something noteworthy will happen...
| SneakyDevil chapter 5 . 3/21/2012
| Kor-Mavwin chapter 4 . 2/28/2012
It's bizarre- you introduce your characters so well that with each new one I start off with being annoyed (because I want to read more about the previous ones) and end with being a total fangirl...
And I've decided I like Eleanor- simply because she's not so nice. Hopefully she'll be able to channel that bitterness of hers in a more appropriate direction than her friends later on in their quest! Poor lass clearly doesn't understand the concept of having a well-balanced party and side-missions XD
Hmmm... wonder what happened to Robert? My automatic response upon hearing that he's more charismatic when he's Geoff was 'Nuuuu! he's possessed by Feyfolken or some other minion of Clavicus Vile!'.
| DualKatanas chapter 4 . 2/23/2012
When I saw the chapter title of 'Robert', I instantly thought 'Baratheon?'. Yes, I'm addicted. You can tell. Though obviously THIS Robert is nothing like that other bloke.
Given that this character is clearly mad, I'll excuse you from not describing him fully (though you get the gist of him throughout the chapter anyhow, mostly at least).
Guards on the vineyards? Better than hiring the Fighters Guild to deal with thieves, I suppose. And it makes sense, considering the anarchy...
I could forgive Robert, just about, but Geoff is a name I'd never expect to see in the TES universe. It just doesn't fit any race I can tell, though the closest fit might be a Redguard... but even that doesn't work.
Yeah, this poor sod is most definitely in the grip of severe schizophrenia. Have you portrayed it well? Well, my knowledge of the area is sketchy, but I'll say it's well-written, for sure.
And now he's fighting a battle in his own head. Novel. And I can most definitely tell where you got the inspiration for those descriptions from... ;)
I like that comment about the comments that guards invariably make based on your skills. It's even worse in Skyrim than it was in Oblivion, regrettably. :P
Makes sense that he'd think Finny's a ghost. In his state I wouldn't be surprised if he thought a mudcrab was the lost heir to the Sundered Throne. Well, maybe that's pushing it a bit, but you get my meaning.
Yep, my Eleanor hate is still strong, particularly after that line. Please get her foot caught in the saddle and have her dragged along behind Mist for an hour or so... not to Ser Cleos Frey levels, but enough to humble her? (Note: please ignore things I say when the sadism possesses me)
To make up for the lack of commentary, I'll continue to note that I like your portrayal of this madness. Or whatever you want to call it.
Makes sense that Restoration would definitely help. It heals the mind as well as the body... though the mind is far more difficult to repair.
I KNEW that Arathor would be seen as a vampire in this POV. I just KNEW it.
You disappoint me, Arty. You've been writing for long enough now to know how to form a good alternative to brackets. These examples are even more jarring because they're coming from YOU, whom I thought knew better.
I feel I should mention I like the dialogue. Helps set the scene. Speaking of the scene, there's little enough description of the surroundings, but given Robert's state of mind that's excusable.
He got whacked on the head and now he's useless? Hello, Merrett Frey. Didn't expect to see you here. I can see why he wanted the grapes now...
*Smirks* That hair IS a good touch. Pink as a natural hair colour would be absurd for her character, but the story behind it just makes it great for her.
Robert's lack of reaction when he sees that Arathor isn't a vampire is... oddly fitting. It works, for sure.
I like Aden, I've decided. No, it's not just because he's talked that way to Eleanor... though I'll admit that's a part of it. :P He just seems a bit like Gorgoth from Robert's POV.
Apparently, she's a fan? Yeah, I'd say you got that right... I wonder what Idari would have done with her, had she lived. Not something pleasant, I'll wager.
Yes, Oleta might be able to help... and definitely SHOULD help, if his other selves are like THAT. Wouldn't want a poor innocent mad bloke locked up because one of his companions in his mind murdured someone.
Aye, Robert's right there, about the battle. It was a worthy cause they fought for, for certain. He can be proud of that.
Overall, it's an unconventional chapter, but it's written well, definitely. Have you done Robert justice? Yes, I think you have. You've portrayed him well, at least. I might even like him. Not your best chapter, but an interesting one.
| Kor-Mavwin chapter 3 . 2/2/2012
I'm not in love with Arathor, I'm NOT in love with Arathor, I'm not in love with Arathor!...
Meh- who am I kidding? He's brilliant! And with his four horsies as well XD
Well, you've certainly gathered an interesting fellowship for this quest. Now onwards! to um... possible adventures and suspicious conspiracies?
| Commentaholic - Alpha 02 chapter 3 . 1/27/2012
And now we come to the dysfunctional fellow that hates his parents. Every story's got one. Glad to see this guy likes Finny. Kinda like I do, :P
I saw things like our interactions between the two. Dis you draw a basis from that?
The gang's all here. Time to get this show on the road.
| Commentaholic - Alpha 02 chapter 2 . 1/27/2012
Not sure if I like Feu or not. She's the internal antagonist.
You know, the one that is hard to be friends with but will eventually warm up to people? Never really liked those sorts. Dunno why.
I KNEW I recognized the name Renault. Blates obvious, really. I should've realized it BEFORE the 'sister in the Blades' was mentioned.