|Reviews for TLOS: Sparx the Dragon|
| Soulfire72 chapter 6 . 17h
Interesting chapter; the fight scenes were pretty good for the time of writing, and you described the setting at the beginning pretty well. Though I have to say that Spyro's way too tough! I think he should have been squashed at least twice by that hell dragon guy - though I can think of ways to explain it. Does he wear some sort of special armour given to him by the Skylanders? If it has special magic that keeps its relative form, that would be good enough protection for Spyro to survive the squashings from the giant dragon.
The last scene feels a bit out of place, though, since I had no idea what Gaven's brother looked like beforehand, so I had no clue something was going to happen when Spyro returned home. Shouldn't he have done the sensible thing and report back to Gaven and/or Ignitus before returning home? Then he could have gotten some medical attention as well.
And if I'm reading this right, the "Energy" being that saved Spyro should be huge, if he can snap the giant dragon's neck just like that (that was kinda anticlimatic, to be honest). Or is this thing Malefor? Hmm... weird. Hopefully it gets explained, but all this portal Skylander stuff is beginning to get complicated.
| Soulfire72 chapter 5 . 8/26
I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit, even thought it was simple conversation and Spyro's (honestly predictable) news.
There were a few gripes, however. The first is that, at the beginning of the chapter, Spyro and Gaven are acting very different towards each other with apparently no explanation, then I found out later that Spyro's been away for three months with Gaven (speaking of which, why isn't anyone else here with them? and if they are, they sure are silent and not doing anything). You should say that Spyro's been with the Skylanders for three months at some point in the beginning, before anything actually happens.
Also, who is Gaven's brother? It's annoying that he keeps calling him 'brother' without ever mentioning names. Is it Sonic? I'm very confused here; he mentioned that the subject changed to Sonic but didn't actually say anything about Sonic! Or that I would know about.
The last is that you use exclamation marks too much - especially when the speaker is being quiet. If you edit this, look over each exclamation mark and make sure its context is correct. I remember you used one in the place of a question mark. Also, you shouldn't really use bold in dialogue or description; only when describing a sign or something. Use italics instead.
| Soulfire72 chapter 4 . 8/25
Ooh, Tails! Well that's nice to see. But like the others, he doesn't have much screentime, does he? Kind of a shame, but then again... the kind of enemies they seem to be facing would be too dangerous for him, I wager.
There were a few typos in this chapter, including a 'there' instead of a 'they're' somewhere... but no new grammar things to point out.
I will say that missing Spyro's fight with some apparently dangerous foe is kinda bad. I mean, I would have liked to find out more about their enemies, and skipping out on Spyro's fight in favour of conversation between Ignitus and Gaven seems strange. Oh well. I do admit that if Spyro can just regenerate, even from death (really?) then that ability is way too overpowered. Again, some exposition from the past five years would be useful to get some idea how he became that strong in the first place.
I did like the discussion about the nature of Spyro's dark power. I personally think that abilities are not inherently evil; it's how they are used. If Spyro can stay himself and control the power properly, I think he should use it to the best of his ability.
| Soulfire72 chapter 3 . 8/24
Well, this was a good chapter for setting up the conflict and giving Spyro proper motivation for getting involved again. One thing that I'm wondering, and have been for a while now; why doesn't Cynder just go with Spyro? Will she? There hasn't been any hint that she has, but unless her character has changed that much, she would want to go with him. Again, explaining a little bit about how the Skylanders thing works would help build a picture of why she couldn't.
Minor, but glaring hole: when Spyro is fighting the Giant, he goes from looking at it to being choked by it. What's missing here is that the Giant grabbed him.
Minor thing, as it's due to my own personal preference: Spyro and Cynder call each other husband and wife way too much. If I'm reading this right, and they haven't been married a week yet, they wouldn't call each other 'husband' and 'wife' so freely. They'd still call each other by name; at least that's how I see it.
Demons? Grublins? Giants? What are they? Do you mean Orcs, Grublins and Trolls? Are they from the Skylanders Universe or from Legend of Spyro? Confusing.
FULL breath, BLACK dragon, HIM gasp for air; these capitals should not be in any text that isn't dialogue. As a suggestion for dialogue; italic can be used for more subtle emphasis rather than capitals.
My biggest gripe with this chapter, really is during the fight with the Giant: Why does Ignitus let Spyro almost die? What's the point? I know Spyro says 'I have to handle this alone' (which doesn't make much sense, since Cynder is as good a fighter as he is), but Ignitus basically watches Spyro nearly die when it was pointless and unnecessary. I'm starting to think Ignitus is not who he says he is, because so many things he says and does are too OOC for me. And then Spyro doesn't chew him out on it later.
| Soulfire72 chapter 2 . 8/24
Wait, what? Jax, Daxter and Crash come into this? I'm actually quite fascinated; this could be a fascinating story if they ended up helping or become major characters. But then why isn't this story a crossover...? Strange.
Apart from the previous criticisms I had, you could use sequence breakers or lines to illustrate transitions between scenes - most obviously, between when Ignitus finishes his conversation with Gaven and back to Spyro waking up from a nightmare. And the last few lines were in italics, so I'm guessing they were Ignitus' thoughts - but the transition was weird as he talks about things like they were in the past, when they were just about to happen. It's quite jarring. And from their conversation, I have no idea where the portal station blowing up was mentioned between Gaven and Ignitus - wouldn't Gaven obviously be affected by something like that? Isn't he in charge of it, being the portal master? Maybe this would be clearer if I played Skylanders (which I never will) but you need to account for people who don't know about these things. For example, anyone who hasn't played Crash Bandicoot (strange I know) or Jax and Daxter (less of a stretch) won't have any idea who these characters are and may not know what they look like. You probably should put in a brief description of who they are and what they look like; even if most people know. Also, where's Aku Aku? Going by that vein, I wonder if Ratchet and Clank are going to show up...
You know it would be hilarious if Spyro ever ends up talking with an alternate version of himself. Funny to think about.
| Soulfire72 chapter 1 . 8/24
OK, so I've gotten around to starting to read this. I found it funny and entertaining to read, despite my confusion at the references to Skylanders (or is it? I was confused by you disclaimer on this). Things I liked; well, Spyro and Cynder having their own cave is nice. And... call me cold, but I found it hilarious that Sparx apparently died a couple of years ago. Lol. Was he really that annoying to you (if you played the games? especially eternal night).
Though I have a few things that bugged be throughout the chapter, though only minor.
First: You say Spyro and Cynder have an entertainment system? In their cave? What kind of entertainment system? A playstation? That sounds ridiculous like that. What 'is' an entertainment system in this universe? I'm having a hard time thinking about that. Also, communication? Care to explain? Do they use telepathy? Or television screens? All weird, and could use more explanation. In fact, explaining that Spyro was gone for five years and came back for Cynder and married her could use a bit more exposition - I would've liked to know how he did that and what happened and whatnot.
Another thing that was confusing is the constant use of present tense. Like saying 'The blue dragon replies and looks back to his friend' instead of 'The blue dragon replied, looking back to his friend'. Was this intentional? Because it left me quite confused throughout, though it didn't actually detract from the setting or what was going on.
The final thing was general dialogue, in particular Spyro and Ignitus seeming a lot more brash and angry than they used to be. Spyro I could understand; he can change after five years. But if Ignitus had been doing nothing but doing his job, he should be like he used to be before he died, ie. calm, wise, gentle, etc. He wouldn't snap at Spyro over something trivial like Spyro not seeing him as the Chronicler - in fact that entire line makes Ignitus ridiculously OOC.
Anyway, I'll keep going, as this has piqued my interest.
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 37 . 8/12
I just realized something. Spyro has been running around with half a horn for a long while now so when is he planning on getting that fixed because in a lot of the time lapses that have happened in the story and none of those time lapses while Spyro has had half a horn not once has he tried to fix that problem when he had the chance like in between training sessions with Malefor for example and in my mind that is supposed to be a severe handicap in battle.
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 29 . 8/10
I'm just wondering if the solders of the ape army will be more intelligent compared to before.
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 28 . 8/10
I wonder what Diamonds home looks like.
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 24 . 8/8
hahaha ya no crap that they have guests out there all right ha ha.
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 18 . 8/7
who wait a minet here! the dark masters name is GERALD!?
| Dragon Lord of Shadows chapter 3 . 8/6
now I know that this story isn't based off of Skylanders and all but she is technically a skylander and I know that for this story Cynder has the skills and capabilities of being a skylander as well. Also it has been three chapter and there is no trace of this so called Sparks the dragon who is supposed to be one of the main characters.
| The Poke-Expert chapter 1 . 4/26
Tell me, does Sparx actually become a Dragon in this story?
| The1upguy chapter 4 . 4/21
I apologize for the last review, but I appear to have insulted someone who don't like fan fiction. I didn't want to get into a contest with this guy, but to post a review upon my story, after I ignored him is just childish.
I wish I never replied to his first message, and I wish he would get the message
I am not here to become famous, but to have fun and get away from the struggle of real life.
| Nickolaus Pacione chapter 4 . 4/21
You want to slam journalists who don't understand full length work that's characters where one doesn't understand how one gets celebrated for things that don't belong to them. I am not doing this as a slam on you but you're about my age and the realization there is a time in your life you need to put away childish things. That's where I am coming from where I had produced six books (four returning to print,) publish a magazine where my roster one of them is a writing coach and writing instructor.
I am the go-to for a lot of fanwork writers to become published in the short form so you think I am full of shit on that one go check out my anthologies and you will know what I mean - I had edited nine anthologies but trying to get them back in circulation. Don't shit on people who give you a chance - I don't really understand the 100,000 word fan novel length work.
What my contributor said, "I am not a fan of fan fiction," that would be Fred Wiehe who said that on linked in as I had found writeforward and I can show you the article but hey if you want to be a butthead to those who are semi-professional and career writers, those career authors were trying to do nothing but help you. Take my advice on this one - educate yourself on video bloggers because when they are able to go into great depth as a video blogger then put that video bloggers voice to the work they write that's original; then you might have an understanding what I am saying so if you're thinking I am speaking 'gibberish' now but I really don't understand fannish word salads.