Reviews for Young Love Murdered
Guest chapter 1 . 12/18/2013
Poor Rusty. He must of felt terrible that a stupid LAWLCLANNER wrote his story. :( Don't worry, I'll get revenge soon
you know youve been busted chapter 1 . 9/25/2013
Have you ever troll-deleted posts at LU, man? Have you ever troll-deleted posts at LU… on weed?
EliTwiVamp chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
I like it so far! Please update soon, this story seems promising! I actually came looking for a GrayXFire fanfic after watching a YouTube amv for the shipping that used this song. I couldn't believe it when I actually found one with this title! Looking forward to your next update!

Sergeant Major Valkyrie chapter 1 . 9/8/2012
I can't wait for the next chapter! Please hurry and update!
BassHunter chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
I will never be afraid again! I will keep on fighting till the end! I can walk on water, I can fly! I will keep on fighting till I die!
death4breakfast chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
Wom wom wom. Voldemort, Voldemort, oh, Volde-Volde-Volde-Voldemort. Avada Kedavra.
Jimmy's narwhal chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
You are a robot pigeon who seeks to edit people's signatures to inappropriate things. Go home and shave your giant head of smell with your bad self.
*Invader Zim reference*
vindictiveme chapter 1 . 6/30/2012
I love it! Continue!
Clean Up Fan Fiction chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
great story
AngelBCE chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
I read your first chapter and I must say that your title containing the word MURDER is not T oriented according to FF rules. What if a child were to stumble upon this? Please review the rules or change your rating. The story is ok, writing style is very elementary, maybe that is the reader you are trying to attract. Unfortunately I will not continue to read. But thank you for writing. As you continue to do so, your style will only improve. Best luck :)
lawlclan suck on my pornfic chapter 1 . 6/2/2012
I feel it's missing something...MA rated material! :D
Deleteduserdeletedaccount chapter 1 . 5/2/2012
Well written, and seemed like the writing from into the wild, but it was different and an original idea none the less! Good job Jimmy!
Lightning Hound chapter 1 . 2/8/2012
Hmm...I must admit, I enjoy your writing style. You've covered the main points of Rusty coming to the forest, etc, almost perfectly, though maybe a little brief in some parts. There is a little repetition that I didn't particularly like:

/"It's a whole different world," Smudge would have said. "The cats sharpen their teeth with bones," Smudge would have said.\\

Perhaps it would have been better if you hadn't added the second 'Smudge would have said' part? I believe that it would have been better if you hadn't added that second bit at all, or had changed it, just for something fresh.

I've never been good with sending in long reviews, however, despite this, I hope you have taken pleasure in recieving another, even if it's short, as I think that this story deserves more comments from other authors.

Sorry if there's any spelling mistakes in this review.

Please, continue,


**Nightpaw of LawlClan**
Aspiring Mythmaker chapter 1 . 1/22/2012
This seems to be written for the fans, so the minimalist description of characters and setting might not be a deficit for them. However, it does create a bit of a hole in your point of view. Characters are in a forest. What sort of forest? What do they look like? Details like these are important, since, having read this chapter, I feel they would be the sort of things the character would notice. Presumably, Rusty has never been in the forest before, but we get no sense of that from the story. He meets others there, but his perception of them is never given. What does he think of these strange others? Is he empowered by their presence? Frightened? We don't get a sense of what the character feels.

What we do get is a sense of what the character thinks, and in a very well-done sense, mostly, but it still has some issues. He's out there, for instance, to prove Smudge wrong. That's tied rather tightly to the narrative, and his exploration in that context gives it a natural feel, despite lacking a sense of place. In the bigger picture, though, I don't get a sense of why he would feel the need to do this. Is it for his own ego, Smudge's peace of mind, or just to prove Smudge wrong? Maybe a reader might already know this, but the character would still think about it.

A few other items to address, one being that you can sometimes fall back on telling, rather than showing.

/ He couldn't wait to see the look on Smudges' face when he dispelled all the stupid rumors of bone-chewing, mouse-hunting cats in the forest! /

This is a good example of showing, if a bit hackneed. Still, I did like it, and it was probably one of the better lines in the story. This line, a little less so:

/ "I'll fight you again if I have to," spat Rusty, lowering his head in slight aggression. /

The "spat" already gives the aggession context, so what follows is just superfluous. More, it sounds vanilla. "Slight aggression" actually contrasts with the words and actions that precede it. Still, you could drop the tag, or what follows, and have essentially the same thing.

/ Rusty was curious and nervous at the same time. /

This is very much telling. Try not to directly address a characters emotions directly in the story unless it can't be told any other way. Body language helps.

/ Rusty's eyes were clouded with confusion as he let Graypaw explain himself and whatever these Clans were. /

This really is a line for fans. It's "you already know this, so we'll just skip this part." This is fine, but if Rusty has to make a decision later on, as is implied, then the lack of this conversation might undermine its significance.

A few other lines that stuck out for me:

/ The bushes shook with a fair amount of force. /

"A fair amount of force" is vanilla, and a bit wordy.

/ Something leapt from the rustling bushes, aiming directly at Rusty. It was a gray blur that Rusty couldn't identify. /

The second line really serves to slow down the action. We already know that he can't identify it ("Something"), so clarifying that in a second line is redundant.

/ "Mrrow!" the tiny gray cat spit and hissed towards Rusty, making thrashes of his own and pushing the two into a roll. /

No gender established yet, so "his" isn't appropriate yet.

/ "You fought rather well for a kittypet, Rusty. I've been watching you both. Haven't you ever thought of a life away from food in a pail?" Bluestar seemed to be making him an offer of sorts… /

She shouldn't know his name yet. Also, the last line is redundant.

/ "Meet me here tomorrow. I'll bring a couple of my senior warriors. You can meet them, if you choose to come with us. The forest life is not an easy one. There is disease, battle and little food now in leaf-bare. We cannot guarantee you'll be comfortable, but it's better than eating pellets from a bowl." Bluestar's eyes met Rusty's and she nodded. /

Feels lacking in context, and sudden in execution. This doesn't feel natural in the progression of the conversation.

/ Rusty dashed through the trees towards Twolegplace, both Bluestar's offer and his memories fresh in his mind and ready to be shared with Smudge. /

Does not feel natural, coming off the last line. I imagine Rusty a little overwhelmed, not immediately dashing off like that. There's nothing established to make this a smooth transition.

/ "No need. I thought you were from ShadowClan," mustered the gray being. /

Already established to be a cat, so ambiguus term "being" feels inappropriate.

As far as story goes, that's it. There is not characterization evident, thus far, which might be a bit of a weakness, but you have plenty of story for that. One quick moment to discuss grammar.

/ "It's a whole different world," Smudge would have said. "The cats sharpen their teeth with bones," Smudge would have said. /

"Would have said" is past conditional used to describe a past action : "had said".

/ Rusty took note of the rustling leaves where a small mouse escaped. /

"Escaped" is a past tense term being used to describe a progressive action : "was trying to escape."

/ Maybe this was what Smudge meant by "forest cats eating live animals". /

Punctuations should be inside quotation marks unless it interferes with meaning. : "forest cats eating live animals."

/ Something leapt from the rustling bushes, aiming directly at Rusty.

"aiming" is a progressive term used to describe a past action : "aimed".

/ "Mrrow!" the tiny gray cat spit and hissed towards Rusty, making thrashes of his own and pushing the two into a roll. /

"spit" is a present term used to describe a past action : "spat".

/ "No need. I thought you were from ShadowClan," mustered the gray being. /

"mustered" is not a word, but possibly a typo of "muttered".

/ That's Bluestar, she's our Clan leader. /

Comma should be a semicolon.

Quite a few problems with tenses here. Might take a second look at that for the next chapter. Not much besides that, so good job there

Not a bad prologue, but it feels a bit lacking in texture, both in its characters and setting.

Aspiring Mythmaker

~Order of the Concritters~
AmberyAmber chapter 1 . 1/4/2012
Well, I wasn't expecting this ship! XD Good surprise,

The first thing I noticed was the way you put title and chapter. I think it would look better if you had some sort of distiction from the actualy content of the story like you did with the authors note.

Anyways, I thought you did a good job at retelling the first of Firesue's adventues. I couldn't catch any grammer/spelling errors. However, you use the same word over and over again. I would suggest using descriptive noun (the gray tom, the ThunderClan apprentice).

Also, a few scentences could use some tweaking.

"pushing the two into a roll" gave me a halarious mental image, but I think it would be better to saying causing them to rolll or something similar to that.

"Graypaw's defense was clear. Bluestar walked up to Rusty and examined him." would be better not combined into a paragraph. The idea of the paragraph is Graypaw's defense, and Bluestar's looking over Rusty doesn't fit that topic.

I loved the ending scentence. Usually shorter chapters have sharper, more abrupt endings that disrupt the flow of the story, but this one gave it a nice flow.

~Amberstep of LawlClan
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