|Reviews for The Second Angel: Okazaki Chapter|
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 5/18/2015
Hi there! I am a moderator at the Reviews Lounge, Too where your story has been archived in our Archives. I’m reviewing your story today because it is definitely under reviewed and in need of some love. I'm completely fandom blind I’m afraid and so cannot comment on anything canon, but that doesn’t stop me normally! Now on with the review!
I really liked your opening line here: ((The wind swept over the abandoned street.)) because of the almost foreboding and ethereal feel that there is to it. There’s so much that can happen at this point and it really charges my excitement and makes me want to read on to see just what is going to happen next. You continue with that aura of mystery by pairing this opening line with another, more mystery one about a man just lying there on the ground. Where this man is, why he’s lying there on the ground, what happened before the events of this story began are all things that are crossing my mind as I read those first two opening sentences. It creates intrigue and leads me into wanting to click next in order to see what happens next. Great job.
I really thought the twist that you put in by revealing here: ((I will start the story here.)) how this story was all being narrated by what I’d classify as an unreliable first person narrator (meaning that we can’t know for sure that what they are telling us here is accurate or not) was fantastic. I didn’t anticipate that the story was being told by someone else. I assumed that the story was about this man, Okazaki and how he comes to end up meeting the Second Angel. Now I’m left wondering about whom this narrator is and what their actual agenda is.
These words here: ((Prepare yourself.)) are chilling and ominous and foretell that the story that is about to commence is going to get quite intense and could be emotionally hard-hitting in places. It further gives this chapter an edge by creating an even more interesting set of possibilities. I find myself asking question after question and wondering more and more about what is going on and why.
((The first time will be left along while second time is...))-I don't think you wanted (along) here? Did you mean alone, perhaps?
In all, this was very well written. Great job!
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 10 . 5/11/2015
I really want to know what's changed for Yuzuru. :D Why would he be unhappy two people who knew each other in the past are meeting and talking, when his goal had been to help people move on from the Afterlife?
And now something greater is starting to come into play. I wonder if it's that virus like thing from the original Angel Beats making a return.
The discussion between Okazaki, Fuko and Yuzuru - it certainly opened up another possibility with the coma. But there's more emotion you could have played with there, and later during the other talks with Otanashi as well. Particularly when he explains his life story - we know it already (similar to how Okazaki explained his backstory from Clannad). You've already used two chapters to give us nothing new while there's a fight/conflict that's still unresolved. I imagine what readers are really waiting for is what happened after Kanade was erased/reincarnated. What made Otanashi into the person he is today...and when he met Fuko too. The things that are different and unique to your story, that's what I'd like to see more of because if I wanted to know what happened in Angel Beats or Clannad, I'd just watch them (or read their summaries).
Sorry if that came out a little harsh. You have a wonderful premise and potential, but there's so much more you could do with this fic that I'd like to see.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 4 . 5/11/2015
Fuko is an interesting addition. And nice to see someone from Tomoya's world...and that isn't Nagisa because that's expected, lol.
I don't agree with the way Yuzuru is acting. Granted, quite some time may have gone by, but he's not acting like the Yuzuru from canon. Not even like the Yuzuru who became the student council president - since we saw a snippit of that in the ending but it was quite a weighted snippit.
Nothing much happened in chapter four - which can be risky, considering it was a flashback chapter, explaining what was already known from the Clannad canon. While Ellie and the battlefront members don't know, we readers (presumably) do and there was probably more detail there than necessary. It reads a little like a bedtime story - which counteracts the reactions of Ellie and the rest of the battlefront. Because I'm reading the chapters back to back, its framed by the events before and after, but reading together it can come out somewhat flat so that's something to keep in mind.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 2 . 5/11/2015
[What the hell is Casper the Friendly Ghost] - since the girl said "who", shouldn't Tomoya be thinking "Who the hell is Casper the Friendly Ghost?"
["The I-Ain't-Dead-Yet Battlefront] - missing a closing talking mark.
Hmm...you're spending a lot of time describing things. Because it's a similar scene to the canon introduction of Otanashi, you've got more liberty to focus on the differences - why Okazaki in this scene is different from Otanashi in it and how that is shown by Okazaki's reactions and emotions (rather than telling us "He was stunned", show him frozen in shock or something like that).
So the second angel is Otanashi. I find it hard to believe he'd wind up in the same situation as Kanade, considering their personalities are so different. I wonder if it's a stretch to assume that red-eyed boy from the ending will be the leader of the new battlefront as well...
So no amnnesia huh. I wonder of how much of his "death" Tomoya remembers then.
Ah, now we see a subtly different scene. That exchange between Otanashi and Okazaki has me giggling.
And the afterlife is tacking that little flaw in their recruiting process. I wonder how the difference in age is going to play in. It was almost inconsequential with Otonashi because he'd just graduated (presumably, considering he seemed familiar with the graduation process).
One thing I would recommend is not trying too hard to stick to the Angel Beats storyline, particularly when this isn't a rewrite but a next-generation fic. The differences are interesting, but more interesting are totally new scenes that shape the characters. At some point I'm hoping the story will go on a completely new road because that's the sort of thing that'll make me want to read beyond the first few chapters. :D
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 1 . 5/11/2015
I agree with your friend: it does come out quite poetic, but that's fine for an introductory chapter. It does give a bit of a mystical feel to the story as a whole - and considering the mystique of Key's work, it's fitting. :D And you have their daily dose of angst nicely snug as well.
You've flip tenses in this chapter, starting with past tense "The wind swept" and going to present "This man is just like" - while it makes sense to an extent, it also makes for rough reading. You could go for entirely past tense or entirely present tense and you wouldn't lose the sense of time relations. In places like "So why was this man here?" implies, with your shifting tenses, that he's not there anymore. If it was all past tense, we'd take it for granted he was still there but because you've tried to distinguish them, I wonder if there's something else you're trying to say.
Lol, double negatives creeping in. The sense of possibility within impossibility is a powerful theme but also a confusing one. You've brought it up nicely.
And you've got the reader interacting with the story quite nicely too. I wonder about "brief period" though - time didn't seem to be of much value in the Afterlife.
With the second Angel, I assume this is following Angel Beats canon still... I'm interested in how much of canon from both Clannad and Angel Beats your going to be merging here.
Time to read on!
| Guest chapter 3 . 6/9/2014
Woah otonoshi is such a badass
| XxAceLawxX chapter 10 . 4/16/2014
please do the next chapter!
| Shizune311 chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
HAHAHA YOURE SUCH A TROLL
| Jon Flawless chapter 4 . 12/31/2012
I liked this chapter also.
| X-Blaze99 chapter 10 . 12/20/2012
We all saw the anime you know. You didn't have to waste so much time and effort in writing the last to chapters in such detail.
| X-Blaze99 chapter 3 . 12/20/2012
Hell yeah! That was it up.
| MeganeD-chan chapter 10 . 11/27/2012
I felt my body heat up while reading it.. thanks for the story!
I'll waiting for the next story,okay!
| Krasie chapter 1 . 11/24/2012
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Not going back there again NOPE.
| Kimmy-1016 chapter 10 . 10/19/2012
This is awesome. I love it! Update soon please!
| Misaka 20.001 chapter 10 . 9/25/2012
woaw, retell again. Hope you not do it again in the future