|Reviews for Saiyan Sleepover|
| SSJ God 2 Goku chapter 7 . 4/14
Keep writing the story.
| Kakarot Son chapter 1 . 3/2/2012
Alright. On your profile I saw you asking for reviews.
First off the summary would drive me off straight away. I would never click on a story with a summary like that to be honest.
Second you're using all capitals for dialouge way to often. In reality that's gramatically incorrect, but most of us still do it. I did it at one stage too. But that's on in a dire situation, like in a fight for the battle of the Earth and Goku just died. If used to often it becomes an eyesore.
Third work on the flow. It was missing a lot of it. Suddeny two or three things would happen in one paragraph, but that's not a good way to desribe flow.
Fourth extend the length. If you have over two thousand words per chapter it's a lot harder to go wrong.
But otherwise it was alright, but you're using a full stop (period) too much. For example,
"Gohan blinked. Twice."
"Goten nodded. Gohan groaned."
There should not be a full stop in the middle, rather something to extend the sentence. A conjuction if I recall correctly, such as and.
Thankfully there were no realy grammar or spelling mistakes making it bearable to read. The actual writing in its self was good.
| An Inconveniently Large Rabbit chapter 3 . 2/15/2012
| loring638 chapter 6 . 1/20/2012
LOL! LMAO! ROFL! LMFAO! my ribs were aching this entire chapter! keep up the awesome writing!
| DBZer16 chapter 3 . 1/16/2012
If Trunks was six, Goku would have been dead and they couldn't have done fusion. Trunks was 8 and Goten was 7 when they learned the during the buu saga. You forgot to add a new paragraph when someone new spoke(I think it was Goku?). There is still that jumpy kind of tone to this that makes everything feel rushed.
| DBZer16 chapter 2 . 1/16/2012
So, pretty much the same as before. A few unnecessary commas and capitalization.
Eww. I'd hate to be Gohan.
| DBZer16 chapter 1 . 1/16/2012
Okay, I'm never really sure how to critique humor, because well, it's humor and maybe supposed to be written a certain way, but I'll give it a shot.
I noticed there were a couple times you capitalized words the weren't supposed to be capitalized. Also, over usage of caps can put your audience off. You seem to use it very often, where, it should only be used to convey incredibly loud shouting or dawning realization, or a ridiculous amount of emotion. The only time I thought the caps were appropriately used were towards the end of this chapter.
Also, Chichi, being the control freak that she is, would never release control to Gohan in something like that. It would be her words and hers alone, but I'm not going to kill you on that.
There seems to be a lot of focus on Gohan right now, even though this is supposedly about Trunks and Goten, so you may want to switch a few things around. There is also jumping from topic to topic here. For instance, first it was Gohan and his mood, then Videl and his relationship with her, then is was Goten. It wouldn't have been so bad if the changes flowed together a bit more with transitions so that may be something to work on. I'd also get on you about the length but again, this is humor so...
Onwards to the next chapter.
| dbzqueens chapter 7 . 1/16/2012
Some things never change, indeed. Nice chapter, I felt like everyone was in character, and I LOVED their complete emotional breakdown at the lack of food. And the fact that Trunks was spared gave me a good laugh as well. Sorry this review was late, I had read the chapter much earlier but hadn't found the time to review. Looking forward to the next chapter! .
| Vaccant Account chapter 7 . 1/13/2012
Aww poor boy but they really do never change.
| dbzqueens chapter 6 . 1/12/2012
Prank phone calls always make for a good chapter when it comes to Goten and Trunks. I loved Yamcha's reaction, and haha, Irwin? The name cracked me up! As far as Vegeta's reaction, I loved how he was about to final flash them through the phone! And, planet Zoon? I'm guessing you made it up, because I've never heard of it, lol. Anyways, great chapter as usual, get the next chapter up soon, I can't wait for it!
| dbzqueens chapter 5 . 1/12/2012
Nice chapter! Very humourous, as usual. Favorite line: "BRAT, I SAID NO! NOW GO HARRASS YOUR MOTHER, OR BLOW YOURSELF UP!" I couldn't stop laughing, because I could seriously picture him saying that! This chapter was well organized, and had a great ending! And, sorry this review was late! I had actually read this the same day it was posted, but was unable to review, but I have now! Keep up the great writing!
| Captain Arbitrary chapter 6 . 1/11/2012
This is hilarious! XD I couldn't stop laughing when Vegeta realized it was a prank call. Can't wait for the next chapter!
| dbzqueens chapter 4 . 1/10/2012
I swear, usually every time I review a story, there's at least one thing I find that the author could improve on. With your stories, I find NOTHING! The only thing I could possibly think of to improve was...wait, there was nothing that you needed to improve on. It's literally flawless. I look forward to more of your astounding work.
| dbzqueens chapter 3 . 1/10/2012
Again, great chapter! I think Goten's fondness for turtles is downright adorable. I also love how you keep everyone in character! I can't tell you how many stories I've read that have annoyed me SO much because they just, refuse to keep the characters the way they are! Goku's reaction to the food: priceless. Overall, great chapter, I look forward to more!
| dbzqueens chapter 2 . 1/10/2012
Okay, I had to step away from my computer for like 5 minutes, so that I could catch my breath from laughing so hard at the "OVER 9,000 BOXES OF NOODLES!" That was priceless! Again, you amaze me with your details and your overall writing style!
Loved the flashback! I have a deep fondness for flashbacks for some strange reason, they're just SO entertaining to me!
Poor Goten! Well, I could expect nothing less from a Son boy trying to cook, they should probably just leave it to Chichi!
Great ending to a great chapter, I look forward to more.