|Reviews for Forever Broken|
| 3verose chapter 3 . 2/10/2012
Hi just wondering are you gonna write more chapters? they're really good!
| Incandescentxx chapter 2 . 2/5/2012
this story is amazing! love the pairing and your writing is very good, update soon :)
| The-Oddity-of-Azure chapter 1 . 1/15/2012
hahaha ohhh Sammy Jones...I like it. :)
| TheWolf32 chapter 1 . 1/12/2012
I is not going to do such a long review just a short one.
It's a really good first chapter and I like how you've done it from Alyssa's point of view :D your a really good writer and u should make another chapter :D xxx
| jiuytiydruetsyr36sryedrytfgyuh chapter 1 . 1/11/2012
I'm going to try for constructive critisim so bear with me.
The story concept it fine and all, if a little odd in pairing choice due to age difference, but I suppose in a vampire story, any pairing involving a vampire and a human would be considered worse because of the much larger age difference.
I think you should go back over this chapter a flesh it out a bit, add more details. Obviously you don't want to go over everything and have so many details that the story isn't told at all, but don't be afraid to include irrelevant details, little actions, details about their surroundings. Girls, especially young girls, with crushes tend to fiddle with their hair and fidget a lot around their crushes and sneak glances.
As to Michael, try to drag it out, don't have things develop too fast. Remember that she's much younger than him so he sould really have some conflict over liking her. It's common for young girls to crush on older guys but a teenager crushing on a younger girl is uncommon.
Try to include things about the characters too. Since you're going from Alyssa's point of veiw, what is she thinking or feeling? Just because your aim is to pair the two together doesn't mean that she has to concentrate solely on Michael. Develop her as a character while moving the plot further along, giv her reasons to like him, have her learn more about his personality and aspirations and use that as a plot device to move the story along.
And slow down the transitions, make sure you're readers know where the charracters are, what they're doing. Don't spell it out so much as include sentances about what they're doing. You were seriously 'Cafeteria-car-house'. I'm feeling nice so I'll even incluse an example as to what I mean by 'fleshing it out'.
"What do you think you're doing?", Shane asked as I climbed into the car. I hesitated for a moment before slamming the door shut and looking at my brother challengingly, unwilling to be made a fool of in front of Michael
"Ditching", I said, trailing off at the combined looks of both Michael and my brother
See? It's easy once you have a basic story frame and some idea of what's going on in the story.
I hope this helps you on your way to becoming an even better writer and look forward to seeing as to where you aim to go with this story.