|Reviews for Ricochet|
| rhinosgirl chapter 1 . 1/28
Hi, Lilly! Rhino here –hugs- I am completely fandom blind here, so please forgive me any canon ignorance.
Your explanation of “normal” definitely sets the scene for the confrontation that the chapter ends with. I could appreciate how long hours, unsufficient pay, and family responsibilities, coupled with the social norms of the day would be a sure-fire cocktail that is sure to end in disaster.
Once the story starts it immediately clear how Jimmy feels about Coop. Words like “passion” and “hate” and phrases like “heart speed up a few beats” and “nervous energy” give me a picture of a teenager with a crush.
I was confused for quite a while by the sentence part “many a night drinking together had revolved around Coop’s rants of Batman ridiculing and eroding the public’s respect for law enforcement.” I think I finally figured it out though. I finally interpreted it as: many a night drinking together had revolved around Coop’s rants about how Batman was ridiculing law enforcement and eroding the public’s respect for them.
I am intrigued to find out more about the Teddy Burke affair and the dirty money. I wonder how that is going to factor in the events of Jimmy and Coop’s story?
Damn Murphy! I don’t understand his reference to “those bathhouses”, but it is obvious Jimmy does, and whatever that warning meant, Jimmy is now ready to disown the man he loves ( As I said before, damn Murphy! But in saying that, I does seem to me that maybe Jimmy is trying to be the “more streetsmart” person in this situation and do what he thinks is best for their careers. I just hope their relationship survives. –crosses fingers-
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 13 . 9/28/2014
Aside from the usual tense errors and lack of pronouns, there were some egregious problems and typos ("How could he have if").
That said, the exchange between Danny and Coop, particularly the beginning, bounced between normalcy and drama quickly and smoothly. I think I'm finally beginning to get a lock on when this is taking place/what part of this is the present.
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 12 . 9/24/2014
There were some noticeable errors (for example "eyeing" is misspelled), and there are few to no necessary pronouns. Also, the timeframe of this chapter is a bit unclear. Where is Coop at the moment?
That said, the bits involving Robin (for me, at least) made this chapter. You have a wonderful mental picture of how cats move and behave, and it does a lot for Coop's character.
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 11 . 9/23/2014
There are a lot of grammatical errors ("what had transpired the day," "had originated from," incorrect italicization of Coop's first thought, etc.) and awkward repetitions that could be spared with pronouns ("Coop," "bottle," etc.).
That said, the sexual tension and its relation to violence were handled well, particularly in the inclusion of the Vietnam line. The shift back into the present was nicely timed: I was just starting to wonder how long the flashback was. Even though this chapter was split into several scenes, the transitions weren't awkward and nothing felt under-explained.
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 10 . 9/21/2014
There were places where your phrasing made your meaning unclear and confusing ("Furious Jimmy had been the catalyst to let memories," "He confirmed his initial suspicions," etc.). The repetition of some phrases ("never arrest Teddy Burke") came across as clumsy and unintentional.
That said, you mixed character descriptions into events nicely ("Now it came to him easier than wanting to smash scumbags across the face with his baton," "how Coop could turn the charm on when he was with women," "The timing of the jab made it too perfect to resist"). Of course, the best part of reading this was watching the dialogue as Coop and Jimmy bounced off each other or whoever else was around.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 6/27/2014
Hi :) Just as an FYI, I've seen Cold Case, though not for a few years, so my canon is no doubt pretty rusty.
I love the way you characterise Malone with the contrast between "timid knock" and what I'm sure was meant to sound like a strident "open up!". Aww. Incredible nitpickery, but I feel "thud" here is the sound resulting from a blow, rather than the blow itself.
"China smashed..." While I'm not totally averse to the passive voice, it's used twice here, which is a little distracting. In addition, so far as I'm understanding it, the POV characters can't see what's going on, so the fact that it's china smashing could only really be a guess.
Wow, how does a grown adult with a license "forget to turn" a car? That's an epic screwup,a nd worthy of a firing, lol.
The section outlining between Jimmy and Coop tends to tell a lot rather than show it, though from the length of this fic you've covered a lot of ground so some shorthand is probably necessary. I don't remember Eileen or, in fact, even know if she's canon; but we're in Jimmy's POV and he's not even identifying his child by gender, so there's obviously something wrong with their relationship. The fact that he sees Coop as a serious rival for his time compared to his own wife also is a big hint that something is really wrong here; staying at home with the crying baby is no fun for anyone, but that Jimmy sees "hanging" with Coop as the same level of importance says loads.
[Hollywood cowboy] You've previously identified Coop as the cowboy type", which is memorable, and makes this stand out almost as repetition.
At first I was a bit taken aback by "I ain't a queer", since while Jimmy and Coop's time together seems intimate, it doesn't seem sexual. But rereading, he's more concerned about what other people are saying/thinking, and self preserving, which makes complete sense.
[But Jimmy knew...] I'd just use the pronoun here: he. I felt the "part of him die" might be a little premature for what we've seen so far, but you know this canon better than I do, and part of Jimmy's emotions might be not for what's happened, but for what he knows might or will.
Great chapter x
| rainy dayz and silver dreams chapter 38 . 6/19/2014
Can't wait to see where this goes next...keep up the good work. Looking forward to reading more once the next chapter goes up :)
| rainy dayz and silver dreams chapter 37 . 6/11/2014
Loved the chapter...and the ending was perfect. Can't wait to read the next one. As always I look forward to this chapters...they always give me a break from whatever I'm doing lol. Good job yet again :)
| rainy dayz and silver dreams chapter 36 . 5/6/2014
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. You did such a great job with it. At first I was sad that Jimmy needed to go home and leave Coops side even though I knew he needed too but when he showed up at the end I was more then happy. Looking forward to the next up date :)
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 9 . 4/16/2014
Grammatical errors ("a the jersey," "but Coop what would happen if Jimmy guess," etc.) aside, the character relations in this chapter were excellent. The half-awkward, half-understanding dialogue between Jimmy and Joe reflects their new-partner status nicely, and the time you're giving to the remaining effects of Jimmy's religious upbringing adds some depth to him as a character. As always, the exchange between Robin and Coop was an adorably light patch. The narration had just the right touch of personality ("whatever the magic eight ball dictated").
| NoComparison chapter 17 . 1/19/2014
So so sorry for my complete lack of reviewing in these past few months. I've been busy as hell. I'm back now, though and excited to continue reading. _
Well, this was certainly an interesting chapter and interesting development. I like Coop's interaction with Danny here, not sure if both men are dead or if Danny is dead and trying to make a comatose Coop decide between coming back to life and entering the realm of the dead. There seems to be a bit of tension between them both, as is evident in the scene where Coop walks in on Danny and Hank kissing. I get the impression that there's some bad blood between them...?
Jimmy went through some problems in this chapter too. It's clear he's under a lot of stress due to Coop's shooting. The emotions of the characters are always well describes and easy to connect to with each new chapter.
Mentioning how Adam would 'keep everything inside' and later deal with his grief, does make me think Coop is dead, the word grief makes me think of death.. You wouldn't grieve if the person in question was alive with a chance of recovery, would you...?
anyway I really like this, and I look forward to reading on.
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 14 . 1/12/2014
Coop makes the quite natural assumption that he must be dead... and having found that death actually seems to be quite a calm and unfrightening experience - "a quiet summer afternoon with an endless, cornflower blue sky" - decides that perhaps being dead is the best solution to all his problems, after all. (Ironically, much the same conclusion that McCree had taken without bothering to consult him at all!)
In fact, the way he puts it, he's got a point. But then he clearly does want to live, because he went to an enormous amount of trouble to prevent Jimmy's being tormented by guilt at his death, and if he dies now it isn't going to help matters much in that respect...
"Jimmy looked the kid with admiration" - missing word
"Sure, Coop!" Danny bounded to his feet "I'll go grab you a glass. Just wait here!" - missing full stop after 'feet'
"I'm fine, man. Just this damn lip of mine hurts like a son of a bitch! Jimmy whispered - missing closing quote after 'bitch!'
"Heaven mustn't be a strict as Father Mack taught me" - 'as strict'
I like Danny's 'ghost magic' - after all, if you're existing in a figment of imagination, why put up with inconvenient realism?
"Danny let out a sharp exhale" - 'exhale' is a verb: either 'Danny let out a sharp exhalation' or 'Danny exhaled sharply'
"Jimmy and Joe headed down a taupe and purple hallway" - all these colour-described rooms (e.g. Coop's white and brown living room and green bathroom) come across to me with an odd, artificial effect. It sounds like something out of an interior decorating brochure, but doesn't actually help me visualise the room at all. You could have written 'a dingy shade of peeling taupe paint made the hallway even more unattractive', for example, which would seem more natural from the point of view of a character observing his environment and gives some idea of what the place looks like; but people don't as a rule walk around and think to themselves "I'm heading down a taupe and purple hall" or "I've entered a sea-green bedroom".
"Joe watched tensely from the doorway. No longer distracted, he began to remember how much he hated this hospital" - more hints: Joe clearly does have a backstory of his own associated with this place...
I like the way that Coop is worried about his cat's presence in the afterlife: a quite natural implication leading on from what Danny has just told him, after all.
There's a nice transition at the start of the chapter between Joe remembering his exams and Jimmy remembering Coop as a rookie: a neat piece of structure.
"A year previous, Jimmy had first met Coop" - probably "A year previously", unless again it's supposed to be narrated in dialect
Jimmy's injured knees seize up after waiting too long: ouch. An all too familiar consequence of injury in that area...
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 13 . 1/12/2014
A ghost's point of view?
Now, this is a very unexpected twist: all Coop's flashback memories of the morning before the wedding are actually taking place in his 'point of death' situation... which does make a lot more sense of the chronology so far. (I was starting to wonder how Coop had appeared so relaxed in the first chapters if he had been through all this that morning!) It also explains how a ghost can interact in such a very physical way with the door, cat etc. - they are all equally figments of Coop's imagination.
"Thank you" said Joe gratefully - missing comma
"Sure," Coop. I'll meet you in the living room when you're ready," - there's an extra closing quote after "Sure"
Pretty women always made him fluster - probably 'flustered': you fluster other people but become flustered yourself
"Backing as far from the door as was possible, shaving cream dripped from Coop's face and onto his bare chest" - this looks like a classic 'dangling participle' (e.g. "Flying south for the winter, I saw swallows overhead"). It's not the shaving cream that is backing away, but that's what the sentence actually says here.
"four people who had ever come to know Coop's true self" - aha, more hints: we know Danny and Jimmy, but who are the others? Furthermore, who is Harold going to turn out to be...?
Wouldn't Jimmy's lip be likely to have clotted after all this time, rather than still dripping freely? In addition to the twenty minutes waiting here and the "twenty slow minutes" Joe spent waiting for him outside the stationhouse, there's all the drive time and the time spent waiting for McCree at the scene of the crime...
"Jimmy sat down in silence, all emotion an alien sensation. His eyes became hard, blue stones" - yet he was slumped in relief the last time we heard, and is embarrassed a couple of sentences later, neither of which seem like stony, emotionless behaviour. I'm confused.
"As Jimmy hesitated, Jimmy brushed a stray curl of hair out of his eyes" - I did comment elsewhere on the reluctance of this story to use pronouns, but in this sentence the effect is so strange-looking that it actually comes across as a mistake: the automatic assumption is that the author meant to type 'Joe brushed a stray curl' and got the wrong name, which I don't think is the intended case.
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 12 . 1/12/2014
So the previous chapter with the two lead-ins was actually the same flashback being remembered by two different people at two different times - Coop in the morning and Jimmy at night? No wonder I was confused...
Congratulations to Coop on succeeding in avoiding cutting himself after seeing a ghost when shaving... possibly the worst possible moment for it to happen!
And we finally know what it was that Murphy overheard. I'm not clear why Coop declares that they are "the lucky ones", though: does he reckon they're more likely to stay in love than everyone else whose worn-out marriages he regards with such scorn? And if he isn't proposing that Jimmy should leave his wife and children, what on earth is he proposing...?
The image of Danny as quiet and well-mannered is an echo of Jimmy... or perhaps the other way round, so far as Coop is concerned.
"Eying Coop's tense shoulders" - Eyeing
"Pale and trembling, Coop breathed slow, deep breathes" - breaths
"being a good police officer, and pursuing woman" - women, presumably (unless it's Woman in the abstract?)
"Robin hopped back up onto his master's lap and quickly laid down" - as before, I assume 'lay down' is meant here. Robin would have 'laid down a mouse' at his master's feet', however.
"Joe's eyes returned to the road. With a painful jolt, the streets became familiar as Joe entered the old haunts of the neighbourhoods surrounding Pennsylvania General Hospital" - now why is this neighbourhood familiar and painful to Joe, I wonder?
"Allan was the only person close to him whom understood how" - "who understood how". "The only person whom he understood", but "the only person who understood him" - 'who' and 'whom' follows the same pattern as 'he' and 'him'.
"Breathing heavily and sitting motionless, Jimmy appeared to have fled the Earth to be with the man he cherished" - this was a bit confusing, because Coop isn't dead, and the first thing we're told about is Jimmy's heavy breathing, which isn't normally associated with appearing (even rhetorically) to be dead either: assuming that 'fled the Earth' means 'died', that is.
If Coop actually remembers Jimmy's kissing him on the forehead, he clearly wasn't anywhere near as "sound asleep and snoring" as in Jimmy's own memory of that evening!
I like the mental image of Coop crawling under the table on hands and knees to apologise to his cat...
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 11 . 1/12/2014
The kiss comes as a natural enough progression: Coop is overtired, overwrought, and only a few inches away from someone he's been lusting after for weeks, and fury and love lie proverbially side by side on the spectrum. And the quarrel is very convincing, with Jimmy feeling guilty about accepting dirty money and Coop carrying the guilt for deaths in Vietnam: both are pushed beyond what they would normally find acceptable.
I appreciated Coop's comeback "You're right! That was fun!": accuse a man of enjoying violence, and there's an inevitable irony in his response... Jimmy deserved that.
I did feel that the actual description of the kiss was probably the weakest part of this chapter. I'm not a slash fan, so I'm not objecting to a lack of hot, steamy action: but "Jimmy's soft lips felt like burning fire",'deep sense of longing', 'soft, passionate kiss', 'wander over Jimmy's back', 'removed his lips from Jimmy's' - all these strike me as very generic soft-romance-novel phrases. I got much more feeling of an actual connection between the two from the next section, when Coop starts sobbing into Jimmy's shirt and is embarrassed about it.
So Jimmy *is* on McCree's payroll despite never having received direct orders to stay away from Burke? I'd got the opposite impression from the previous chapter.
"had crept of bed to the den" - presumably a missing 'out'
"Well, you sure know how to make a man happy, Jimmy" remarked Coop twenty minutes later - missing comma after 'Jimmy'
Coop glanced admirably at Eileen's collection of fine china - admiringly
But you gotta do what you gotta do when talking doesn't exactly with the types of people we gotta deal with - unless Coop is extremely drunk and incoherent, I think there's a word missing somewhere in here
"Coop laid down on his bed" - 'laid' is the past tense of the verb 'to lay' [an egg]: 'lay' is the past tense of the verb 'to lie' [down]. Unless this is intended as deliberate dialect, I think 'Coop lay down' is meant here.
In the final section we are told that the flashback was "fond recollection": but a few lines later, its resumption is apparently "guilt" and "torture", which took me aback. I suppose that remembering happy times under the circumstances might come across as torture, but the start of the section gives a totally different impression of Jimmy's state of mind.
"If you do exist, God, you sure had a twisted sense of humour when you made me" - very effective phrase here, giving a good idea of Coop's wry character and of his impossible situation