|Reviews for Within a Nightmare|
| Anonymous Dog chapter 40 . 5/23
It's been almost exactly four years since this work was last updated and finished.
You've probably grown a lot as a writer by now, and maybe you've read Umineko, or reconsidered your ideas about Hinamizawa, or things like that.
Even though I had some gripes with how you handled a couple things in the fanfic-I personally don't like caps used for yelling, description does the trick, etc etc-they were overall pretty minor and I did enjoy the story. If anything I'd probably relax a little on Shion's "demon" myself, and I really don't personally think Satoshi could matter more to her than Mion; her sister is the best friend she's had her whole life and her bond with her is probably on an entirely different level. In Meakashi, she kind of recognizes herself that she's not killing for Satoshi because he'd never actually want that.
What did I think of Rion...? Eh. Maybe it's because I'm a person who's really wary of OCs on principle, but she felt... out-of-place. I don't think there would be a reason for the Sonozaki family to have their own god/ancestor spirit, at least not one on the level of Hanyuu, because in the past they were originally the weakest of the three houses (as detailed in a TIP in Watanagashi-hen.) However, no matter how I feel about the idea, she wasn't executed in a way that was atrocious or anything, and doesn't feel terribly shoehorned in. So I kept reading and didn't particularly mind her being there.
The twins are my favorite characters in the series because of the way they rebound off each others' personalities and I feel like for the most part you got that down pretty well, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other fics I've come across.
Overall, if I had to give this a number score, probably 7.5/10. It wasn't bad but it could use some definite improvements, I guess. That said, it's been four years, and you've probably moved on to bigger and better stories.
So I'd like to thank you for spending time on this one from June to January of 2012 because it's obvious you put a lot of work into it, and I enjoyed reading it a lot. It's made a couple days stuck at home interesting.
| Sweet Possum chapter 1 . 2/3
omg that was just too frickin cute. I love how u had the group of friends do something they would actually do! playing hide and go seek is perfect! I love it, especially the part where Keiichi was running after Mion. very cute. and how it turned into terror at the end, very Higurashi like! cute, then terror! awesome! the best Higurashi fic I have read so far! can't wait to read more! thanks for keeping things real!
| Wildling Girl chapter 1 . 12/13/2012
No, Mion can't die! She probably didn't but still... this whole fic was just great! Loved your descriptions at the beginning and their interactions, very in character.
I can't believe I have to leave now, but I'll definitely will return to continue reading what's in store. Nice work!
| Aimii0 chapter 6 . 9/16/2012
Yea, the story goes a bit slow but anyway, I'm curious about the next chapters :)
| Aimii0 chapter 5 . 9/14/2012
Uh, I really hope Rena will appear soon too, I love her :3 and I'm wondering why's Satoko liek this..?
| Aimii0 chapter 4 . 9/14/2012
I'm so happy they moved in ! I guess the fun (horror) parts are gonna start now? xD
| Aimii0 chapter 3 . 9/13/2012
Great chapter but it's getting more and more confusing xD totally love this suspance ! :)
| Aimii0 chapter 2 . 9/13/2012
Getting more and more interesting, can't wait to read more ! :)
| Aimii0 chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
The start is great, I can't wait to read more ! :)
| cosmopolitankitten chapter 40 . 7/5/2012
Crimso, you're so awesome. I've read all of your main stories :D (I haven't reviewed this yet because I'm always reading fanfics on a mobile device). So yeah, now I'm gonna favorite you and this story, and go review and favorite all of your other main stories. xD Keep up the awesome work 3
| Krawling Khaos chapter 40 . 7/2/2012
Alright, as I mentioned in my PM, I was saving my final thoughts on Within a Nightmare for this review. So here we go.
To start out, I thought the initial premise prior to WAN's release was interesting. It had a lot of potential behind it, and I was sure I was going to enjoy it... Sadly, this is not the case. In fact, between this story and the last two, this one is considerably worse. Let me explain why.
The pacing. It was incredibly bad. While the pacing in your other stories is not something I would say is the greatest, at least it was decent well put together for the stories being told. Here, the pacing is just terrible. It takes bloody forever to get to the "problem", as Mion is too busy trying to get Satoko to join their group. It's down right irritating. The Satoshi liking Mion plot point was paced in a way that made it so damn predictable. I called it so quickly that it was just sad. To add to that, the romance between Keiichi and Mion was poorly paced, and it was not done justice. I'm fine with the conclusion leaving it open for some kind of brief after story, but seriously. Again, BFB had a romance that felt REAL, this one feels like it's fake and full of holes.
Alright, I've mentioned before that i dislike the way demons are used in GED, and I liked how they were used in BFB. Well, here, I expected to see something great when I found out there were no demons. I was really glad to see an attempt at a story without them. Then I noticed the way the word "demon" was used towards the end and basically facepalmed so hard that I swear I gave myself a concussion. Seriously... the word was used in a way I found to be extremely frustrating. This is exactly why I dislike the fact that your next project is a re-write of GED. You aren't ready for it. This whole story basically screams that to me.
The ending itself was incredibly rushed. At least, that's how I saw it. I hate these sudden last few chapter revelations that could have used more expanding, more development. The story reeks with lack of proper development. The final product suffers from this lack of development. I stuck it out, hoping for at least a conclusion that was half decent. Sadly, I found the entire story to be a train wreck due to it's pacing being jumbled and it's lack of clear development.
To reflect on a slightly more positive note, I'm glad you held back on the amount of OCs this time around. It was nice to see you try to tell a story with as few as possible. Never the less, considering Rion was the only one, I expected more from her. She was a bland, and rather poorly used OC. Everything about her screamed you were trying to hard to make her a likable OC, and that's what drags her into the mud for me. She was a poorly characterized OC, and even the last minute plot twist that felt like an attempt to give her last minute depth couldn't save her. While I disliked Takeru in the last story, at least he was tolerable in comparison to Rion. Rion was a wasted idea, and I think she could have been a better character if you didn't try to squeeze so much into her last minute... while leaving her a weaker sounding Hanyu clone early on. I never liked her. At all.
So anyway, in case it wasn't obvious, I rather dislike this story. Hell, I might even hate it. It was, in my honest opinion, a wasted effort on your part Crimso. I honestly think that after this, you should try again with a different premise. In combination to the fact I don't think a re-write of GED is needed yet, I honestly think you are not ready, nor have you improved enough to warrant GED being re-written. No amount of convincing will change my mind either. I hope you can take these words to heart, and I hope I didn't come off as too cruel. I am really just disappointed, and I just want to see you improve. Sadly, I don't think you have improved enough to make that re-write yet. Give it a little more time, and I hope I can expect a better story from you in the future.
| Uryuu-Nipaa chapter 40 . 6/29/2012
I love love love love love this story.
First, about the epilogue, I liked it. The lesson about regrets was a good way to conclude everything and I like hoe it resembles Rei. And I like how you've given lots of KeiMion hints, but haven't made it 100% definitive. Like I said in my last review, everything is still a bit open. And I like the last line. I think the last line is very important in a story, and this one gives me a happy and content feeling. That fits very well, I think. I also loved the explanation of Keiichi's regret. I read something about how Hanyuu should have made a small appearance, and I agree that it would have been great, but I didn't really miss it while reading. One thing, at the beginning of the story, Mion didn't know about Rika's past, but now everyone seems to already know. It could be that she told everyone while Mion was in a coma, but you should explain it.
I did spot some typos:
"Her real family, and her REAL friends..." Not sure if this is a typo, but I think it's a bit weird that only the second real is capitalised.
"...over and over aagain..." again
"...countless days n happiness…" in
And about the whole story, I really love the idea. I really liked the Dice Killing chapter, and you used the idea and took it so much further. And the whole concept of the three Oyashiros was also very interesting. Also, the way Rion also needed a specific kind of person to bind to was really great. I also love the idea of the powers of the Oyashiros, especially Hanyuu's, because it fitted so well with Higurashi. I do think that you could have worked out Rion's power of life a bit more, because I didn't really understand what exactly she could do with that. Revive and kill people? I also would have liked to see a bit more of the Kimiyoshi-Oyashiro and her power, but maybe there wasn't enough time for that.
As I said already, I love the symmetry of the story. It has now become Real World - Cliff - Depressed and Crazy Mion - Fake World Gets Better - Perfection - Fake World Gets Worse - Depressed and Crazy Mion - Cliff - Real World. Only the cliff and depressed and crazy Mion and the beginning might need to be switched. I especially like how the story began and ended with the same cliff.
And about the characters, I like the changes you made to all of them and how they affected their personalities. I also really like how you've worked out everyone's personality, especially Mion's and Shion's. Rena wasn't as great, but she was also okay and she didn't have a very big role anyway.
And then you have Rion. I love her so much. I think a good villain is a very important part of a story, but it seems to be pretty difficult, since they aren't really good quite often. Rion was wonderful, though. Her back story was great, I liked how her 8-year old appearance resembled Hanyuu's, but not too much, and her adult appearance was great too. And her hobby of corrupting worlds was great, especially in how it contrast how Hanyuu and Rika tried to save all of them.
Next, your writing. I think you have done a really great job, especially when describing emotions and pain. I usually don't really notice stuff like this unless it's really good or really bad, but I never really noticed in your other stories and I did here, so I think that you've definitely improved in your writing. I also think that this story, as a whole, was your best one so far.
One thing, I think Shion might be a better secondary character for this story. Sure, Keiichi was important and he and Mion got together, but I feel like the twin switch was more important and explored more, and Keiichi didn't really do all that much in the second half of the story, while Shion stays important pretty much all the time. It isn't reallly a problem, but I think it would be better if you changed it.
Lastly, I want to thank you for everything that you've wrote. Not only did I really enjoy reading all of them, I feel like they helped me grow as a reader. GED was one of the first stories I read when I discovered , and at the time I didn't even know what an OC was yet. Since I started reading fanfictions, I have become more critical as a reader (in a good way) and I think your stories definitely played a part in that, so thanks a lot for that.
Well that's it. Really, this was a wonderful story and you're a fantastic writer. I'm very much looking forward to both TB and EOG.
| beaniek4 chapter 40 . 6/28/2012
This chapter was awesome! I loved this story so much! I'm sad that it's over now! Although, I'm glad that you're going to make a new Higurashi story soon!
Anyway, great job! You're the best Higurashi FanFiction writer ever!
| triple baka chapter 40 . 6/28/2012
I'm so sad they aren't together in this world ;(. But the way you foreshadow it makes it alright! The whole piece at the end talking about moving on from regrets was so fantastic and relatable. Every story you write is believable and relatable and this one even more so- if regrets don't happen you can't make a change. Your stories, and this one in particular, make me think of things on a deeper level. I can't wait to read your upcoming works! And hopefully I can review every chapter if I stop breaking my phone. Untill your next amazing story
| lilpurplebird chapter 40 . 6/28/2012
All right, let's see what my memory remembers.
Honestly, looking at your other stories, this really is the best one when it comes to writing thus far. You truly have increased your skill, and there is a subtle change in the story, which may have helped with the flow a little bit. You have a good grasp in character development especially in their inner thoughts. You can see where inner conflict is throughout the entire story. It helps you keep the camera pretty much on Mion the entire time, so we get to see the world through her eyes. That's something most writers tend to have trouble with, especially since this isn't exactly an omnipotent point-of-view.
The structure and build up of the story is exactly like how an actual arc is built, and thus it does feel like a Higurashi story-in particular that of Higurashi Rei, like what you were going for. Now, the ending feels rushed, unfortunately. You did a wonderful build up, and then everything suddenly crumbles. You planned for it to all fall apart quickly, of course, but it felt TOO quick. And the very ending where she goes back to fix everything feels rushed as well. I feel there could've been more to it, like a sense of approaching doom from Rion before she showed up. And also, the epilogue needs a little more to it. I also feel like you're missing a certain someone. She may not get to see her, but perhaps Mion can feel Hanyuu's presence, and as she helped, I feel she deserves a little nod in the epilogue. That will make the reunion much more complete.
You still have a habit of repetition in description especially when it comes to the inner conflict. In some rare moments, it makes me feel like I'm being treated like an idiot, but those are very few and very far in-between, and it was easy to ignore. Still, you should keep an eye out for how you word sentences and do call-backs to previous scenes when the plot calls for them. In time, you will overcome this, I know you will.
Overall, it was a very fun read, and I wasn't disappointed in the least. You deserve a break for the hard work, and I will be there for your next project. Happy writing, and thank you for the story. I'm going for another ride or two now that I know what to look for. That's the experience and fun of Higurashi.