|Reviews for Adventures|
| Dry Duck chapter 1 . 1/30
Dude! This is the best Fanfic I've ever read! It was the first in fact! This fic got me into fanfiction (which wasn't an easy thing for me) but this story, omg.
I don't think you've gotten enough credit, after over a year I still haven't found a fic that could even compare to this man. You're literally the reason I check low reviewed stories as I'm scrolling cuz if this doesn't have at least 5000 reviews, the amount of reviews mean nothing!
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/8/2014
It was very good and it made me cry
| Rosawyn chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
Oh, stupid FFN! It didn't TELL me I was over the limit on review length! :[ Here's the rest of what I'd written:
“It was clear to see that we were in the middle of nowhere.” - Since I have actually been places in reality that didn't have any sort of highways at all, paved or otherwise (and also seen “highways” that were in now way paved), I'm going to call BS on this. They live in the middle of civilization. :P Maybe they're currently in the middle of nowhere, up there on the side of the mountain, but their tiny “isolated” village has freaking paved highways and electricity. That's not nearly so isolated as I had believed up to this point in the story.
“the large flashlight I had set up near the fire for light.” 1) Fires produce light, for the record. 2) Holy hell, they have flashlights. You know, when you open a story with this whole “Anglo-Saxon mead hall,” fantasy type setting feel to it, and then suddenly electric lights and flashlights appear, it's disconcerting...at least for me.
'“It's freezing cold”' - All the more reason to want a fire!
'”and the winds are ferocious.”' - Okay, point taken. But I'm not sure why she mentions the cold in that sentence?
This story has quite a few shifts in tense. Here's one example that stood out to me: “She stopped to look at me, the smile on her face contrasted by a tear in her eye. I make my way over to her and instinctively hug her. ” I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time there's been a shift in tense (I was getting that sense for quite a while), but this is the first time I actually noticed the shift.
'”Are you sure you've never kissed a girl? Even a boy?“' - I really had to lol at this for whatever reason. It sounds to me like, “Are you bisexual by any chance?” Just really struck me as funny.
“I insist with a knowing grin” - Why is his grin “knowing”? What does he know? /confused
And speaking of, he seems to have a lot of “knowing” smiles – seems a bit repetitive to me.
“I allow her to know.” - This wording just really bugs me. Grates on me even. He “allows” her to know? That just seems so arrogant and...controlling. I think I know what you were trying to say, but I think it would sound way better as “I admit” or something along those lines.
I think the description of Nana (and Popo) would be better suited for much earlier in the story. I know I felt lost, not having any idea what these characters were supposed to actually look like (since it's apparently not how they appear in the games I'm familiar with).
'“couple of kids barely out of puberty”' - Uh, 19 is pretty clearly out of puberty, and 21 isn't even a “kid” anymore. Maybe this is a regional thing, since here in Canada, you're legally an adult at 19.
'"She froze to death in his arms”' - Is that even possible? I would have thought his body heat would have been enough. Unless she'd been soaked in freezing water, but even then...
Since you specifically asked me about breaking this up into a multi-chapter piece, please do. This is my personal opinion, and I know not everyone would agree with me, but I think 12k is extremely excessive for a oneshot. It is taking me FOREVER to read this. It is taking away my enjoyment of the writing. You could make each “section” a chapter or put two sections to a chapter or whatever works for you there, but from my perspective this NEEDS to be broken into chapters. It is an exercise in frustration trying to read and review it as is.
Overall, this story was good, despite the fact that it took me a horrendously long time to read it. You definitely need to fix those shifts in tense, though.
| Rosawyn chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
This is one of your prize!reviews for the Reviewathon. :)
Yowza. You weren't kidding when you said this was long. It's long. It's really, really long. If this were my story, I'd definitely break it up into shorter sections and make it a multi-chapter rather than a oneshot. Generally, I like to think a oneshot should be easily read in one sitting. Obviously, different people read at different speeds, and not everyone gets distracted by their kids every 20 mins, but just to give you some idea of how long this has been taking me to read, I started reading this yesterday morning, and I've only read the first two “sections” (up to the 2nd place you say “MoD”). I figured I'd better start typing my review as I go, or else I'll just forget everything and that wouldn't be very helpful to you.
Okay, so I think having the story start sort of “after” the action, or at least after some major action works well, with Popo curled up by the fire enjoying the warmth. It's nice to see his interactions with his father, and I liked that even though Popo's an adult, his dad still takes care of him like this when he needs it.
I was a bit confused by why he couldn't see her. She says it's no surprise, since she's about 20 feet away, but I'm still confused as to why he can't see her. Maybe I really have no idea how far 20 feet is? Is he meant to be very near-sighted? I just don't get it.
Also, since he says he's never been any place that doesn't snow, and he seems to be in a very primitive sort of house with an open fire, sort of like an Anglo-Saxon long house (?), it seems really odd to me that he'd describe Nana's voice as sounding “like a jazz room piano” - where would he have ever heard a piano? When has he ever seen a jazz room?
I also must admit I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to be picturing these characters. I've seen them in the Smash Brothers games, but they always looked like chubby toddlers to me. Trying to picture them as 21 year old humans is kind of breaking my brain. O.o
I found interesting that his dad mentions the eggplants they'd brought back – it makes me wonder where they found eggplant, since it doesn't seem like something that would grow in an area where it always snows.
Some of the phrasing seems overly wordy and awkward, like this for example: “granting me another small, subtle smile that she probably by now knows through unspoken observation that I love receiving from her.” It probably works well for some readers, but it just bugs me and sort of jars me out of the story. I'm trying to think of why exactly this bugs me, but the only thing I can think of for this specific example is that Popo is expecting that Nana “knows” things about him from “unspoken observation” which just seems really unlikely to me. That's not how communication works in my relationship – we actually have to tell each other how we feel, using words. Any time we try to figure things out from “unspoken observation,” we end up grossly misunderstanding each other. Maybe Popo is just wrong about what Nana understands, or maybe Nana is just extremely good at reading other's reactions, but it just seems unrealistic to me.
In contrast to the above, some of the wording really works very well for me. Example: 'Without quite looking at me, she stated "And here I was thinking you were a scrawny fellow. How on earth are you managing to carry that thing?"' - I really like how she delivers her backhanded complement “without quite looking” at him. Awesome. Great bit of characterization for her, and such a vivid mental image.
“despite it weighing over a hundred pounds. ” - O.O That's actually really impressive, especially since he's struggling to breathe.
“I specialize in dark comedy, as it turns out.” - This line really works well for me. I like how it sums up the previous lines and I like the wry wittiness of it.
“signaling vultures” - I'm not 100% certain, but I don't think vultures actually live in cold, snowy, icy places. I think they're more of a hot, dry, desert sort of animal. Though, since this is set in a sort of fantasy (ish?) video game world, maybe it's just canon that there are vultures in the area?
I like how Nana encourages him to keep going, talking him through his coughing fit. :)
“I had a reason to live. ” - Sounds to me like he's got more than one? He's got his dad to think about too, as he's just mentioned a few lines back.
“causing her to contract her right hand. ” - I'm not actually sure what this means. What does it mean for her to “contract” her right hand? Does it mean she makes a fist? Pulls her hand back? I'm just really confused here.
'”even at the ripe age of nineteen?"' - Oh, so I see he's younger than her. I was sort of getting that sense, actually, through their interactions up to this point.
'"I hate seeing you worry so much because of me," she admits. "Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel glad for it, you know?"' - Haha! I really think I know how Nana feels here. She enjoys having someone care about her, even though she wishes she hadn't gotten injured to make him worry in the first place. But I think that's something most people can relate to, the whole hurt/comfort sort of thing. :)
“vegetables and fruits harvested by our village” - I thought they were taking these back to the village? How can they be “harvested by” their village?
I'm also a bit confused as to why they'd climb a new mountain that no one had ever climbed before. If their mission is to collect food, it would be more logical to climb though a mountain pass than to climb the whole mountain, since food doesn't tend to grow on the tops of mountains...at least, not in reality.
“She ran away from the spot where she knew that I would then take my mallet and smash down on the creature that I knew had bit her leg.” - This is another example of where it seems too wordy and awkward to me. I think the combination of “she knew that” and “I knew” in the same sentence just gets confusing. I felt like my brain had to jump through multiple hoops just to understand that once sentence.
'"Jesus," she gasped out.' - So Jesus is a “thing” in this world? That seems odd to me, probably because most fictional universes don't seem to have real world historical characters or real world religions in them. Maybe I just have the very wrong idea about what sort of world these two characters live in, but I wasn't really picturing it as the “real world,” especially since they're picking fruits and vegetables at the tops of mountains and being menaced by snow-vultures.
...and, apparently snow-snakes too. O.o Snakes, like vultures, are creatures I associate mostly with deserts...or jungles. But definitely not icy mountains. If there are snakes on the icy slopes in the canon, obviously ignore me. But for someone with very little canon knowledge, this really jars me out of the story as I'm thinking, “Wtf is a snake doing in that environment?”
The coincidence of her not feeling the effects of the venom until after seeing the smashed snake also strikes me as a bit forced. Obviously, it could certainly take exactly that amount of time for her to start feeling the effects, but the coincidence jumps out at me all the same.
“or why she wasn't dead by now.” - Is the snake usually that venomous? It's my understanding that most venomous snakes take a while before they actually kill you. And maybe this one didn't quite get it's fangs in all the way? I guess it's just that he'd only said earlier that it was “one that I knew was poisonous,” not that it was one that usually killed instantly or whatever, so this seems a bit inconsistent.
“Natalia "Nana" Kraal.” - Is it really necessary to say that every single time? I understood the point the first time, but the 2nd time seemed excessive and now it's just annoying. Not only is he in love with her, but he seems to be in love with saying her full name plus nickname. :P
“when I was so cold I couldn't sleep on my own.” - I would have thought they'd have been huddling together for warmth the whole trip? Maybe I'm just too practical in my thinking. iol
“stole our entire harvest” - Oh! So now suddenly all that is explained. I guess that's something a reader with more in-fandom knowledge would have already known (?), but I was pretty lost up to this point.
“Nana ran a hand under her parka and through her hair ” - I'm assuming she ran a hand under her parka's hood, but it sounds like she's running a hand under the main part of the parka. Kind of a weird mental image there.
'"Because physics is a myth, darling,"' - They know about physics in their tiny little isolated village? o.O
“you're super chill, like, you always know what to say and to keep a cool head.” - I find it a bit funny that people who live in such a cold climate would still have the same slang uses for the words “chill” and “cool.”
Adding to the list of things I'm surprised they've actually heard of in their tiny, isolated village: the Olympics.
'”you haven't known me for more than a couple months."' - Wait, I thought they were from the same village?
“a nearby freshwater spring with a small, suitable amount of flora surrounding it.” - I have no idea what constitutes a “suitable” amount of flora to surround a freshwater spring, of why the amount of flora is important. So this wording seems odd to me.
“nice enough houses, certainly better than grass huts and log cabins.” - This description bugs me, because I'd rather know what the houses actually look like rather than that they weren't grass huts or log cabins. The opening of the story suggested Anglo-Saxon type architecture, but here it just says that they're “better” than log cabins. :/
Holly crap, they have streetlights? As in, electricity? They have open fires in the middle of their houses and yet they have electricity? Also, they have paved highways. What.
“It was clear to see that we were in the middle of nowhere.” Since
| Terra Booma chapter 1 . 3/29/2013
This is Amazing...
| Sugar'n'Spice'n'Luv chapter 1 . 1/20/2013
Are those their real names? Or did you made them up? I wanna know so I can use them in a possible fic, if you didn't made up. It is up to you if you'd let me use them.
| Dominus Tenebrosus chapter 1 . 10/23/2012
I'm here at the start, and I find myself wondering, "Who's talking?" I mean, it's obviously a bit of a family scene and all, well, father/son bonding, but I'm sort of confused about who's who.
I'm guessing he's blind.
...Or there's something weird going on here. Or... You know, I don't have a clue what's going on. :D
Okay, either way, we're getting some names. I'm not yet sure what the problems are with these people that are causing vision issues.
Venom? So... Hrm. Still confused, aye.
Hmm, so they were on a journey... Not just camping out.
Mr...? Ah. I think I know who he is. Which means... Hrm. What happened to Z?
Hm. Well, we got her full name... Doesn't mean anything to me though, unfortunately.
Heh. Cute. :P Makes me wonder what's in store, though... Hrm.
So, is it Pope or Popo? I've seen both now.
Heh. Stroking egos.
Ah. That's not so good.
Guess he did get better though. Hrm... Could use italics there, make sure you know it's a flashback. *nods*
A place 'o his own, eh? Maybe their own?
And hm. What happened to her, exactly?
Ah. Well... That answers part of it anyway. How she got that though still isn't.
Humm. Is this another flashback, or...?
Heh. Well. Certainly there's no trace of hubris there. Nope, none at all. /shot
So I'm wondering why they have to make that sort of journey for that sort of thing. Hmm...
Ahh. So this is a flashback, and that answers that, probably.
They think of vomiting, I think dinner. Hmm...
Oh lawdy. Good job flinging it, heroine.
Man. He does not have the luck sometimes.
Really bad luck sometimes. Crimony.
Heh. The power of love?
Heh. So much for modesty. Though I guess getting out of a situation like that... Yeah.
Heh. They're cute together, when they're trying to survive.
Okay, they're just cute together in general.
Humm. More flashbacks. Italics, man. :P
Yeah... Irony. And of course he drops his mallet.
Heh. Watch out, she has a plan.
"...Toss me." "What?" "You heard me."
This is... A dubious plan.
I've heard of shooting birds, but this is ridiculous.
...Well it worked. And hey! You made it to the top! Somehow.
And d'aww again.
ALL THE D'AWWS!
So is this a flashback, or...?
Must be. *nods* Toward the beginning, maybe?
Heh. Or you put something around it to keep the wind from being an issue, but eh.
Heh. Namings. Better have a placard ready!
Hey! His full name. Tells me nothing, but hey!
Heh. Always the modest one.
Anything is impossible? Is that a typo?
""I dunno," she muses, and I could hear a playful twinge in her melodic voice. "Maybe we could compete in a galaxy wide fighting tournament, and beat out the strongest men, woman, beasts and occasional humanlike animal by the power of our mallets?"" -Did you just reference the canon? :P
Heh. So. Does this happen in our world, so to speak, or...? I'm a bit confused by the Eiffel Tower comment.
Humm... Is this a flashback or...? Because I seem to remember she was 19? Maybe my memory is playing tricks on me though. Again.
Hrm. That's all of one's eggs in one basket. Not so good. Guess it worked, if that's a flashback.
Well. That answers what happened to Z.
Heh. That answers where the nickname came from.
Well. I think I have diabetes now. Again. Very sugary sweet. Although the odd ordering confused me at points... Could have been prevented by italicizing your flashbacks. That's largely up to you though; would just make it clearer.
Anyway, I'm wondering how tied to the canon this is. I'm guessing not very. Which, works for some things, so hey. Works for this, certainly. *nods* My only qualm, if I were to make one, is that... Well, it's a bit lengthy, don't you know? :P At least for RT. ;)
Good stuff though. As per usual. ;)
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
You know, I never actually gotten around to read this, and it's too bad it wasn't done sooner. I was hoping to review-tag it off of ya, but seeing as how I keep missing the chance to, might as well get it done now. XD Despite the box, lemme see if I can still stream-of-conscious for ya.
You know, this is why I've been a fan of yours. Right from the start, we get a nice grasp of the characterisations, even of the dad. And seeing as though the dad was not exactly named, as a minor character, he really set the tone off with Popo and Nana. And speaking of them: a playful Nana with a calm, modest Popo? Interesting choice of contrast here, because you can relate to it.
[I knew how she and I got to the meadow. I just couldn't believe that /we/ got to the meadow.] «Know why I like this line? [We] is a magical word, and how it is here just ties up the theme nicely. Your imagery is breathtaking as well; the scene with the bowl-shaped meadow and trees was a beautiful sight to imagine. Not overdone, but not lacking either. Just right.
And the moment with the coughing, I mean, who knew how bad it was gonna get? The way it shows how strong their bonds are, "We're the victors" yes. The repetition held that emphasis you were looking for. [That was the moment when I realized that I had fallen in love with Natalie "Nana" Kraal.] «And here, even though it isn't exactly mentioned "how" it looked, you can still imagine how it looked. The curtness of it is enough for that.
Aww, it's so sweet, this moment. From the humourous questioning, to the lead in. I really like how Popo's his "Yes!" moments can be felt. For some reason, I can imagine Nana with a southern accent, particularly from» ["A sweet little charmer like you hasn't had the slightest bit of romantic affection, even at the ripe age of nineteen?"]. I swear, you can relate to this so much, it almost hurts, or maybe that's just me; I dunno.
[Suave Popo kills the ladies again or something like that.] «Adored that line! Confident, yet uncertain. Oh my god, quite a switch-up you did there. I like the backwards-in-time kind of memory hopping you've got here. Starting from the end and going to the beginning/middle. Wow, the suspense, the drama, Popo's focused franticness. You know, it's fresh. Not at all like those other romance stories.
Haha, I find it ironic how earlier, Popo called Nana the princess, and yet it's Nana who saves him in many ways. [Oh, that's what she meant. Wait, what? "Wait, what?"] «You have a lot of humourous and strong lines here. This one in particular, really liked the mind-to-mouth echo coupled with the double-take. Oh man, if I could just make a list of my favourite lines here, I would, especially adding the "oh-shit-bird" reaction.
My goodness, so sweet. You're gonna give out cavities with this one, yeesh. :P I like how Popo admits he isn't the smoothest, but still goes for it anyway. It's nice how they're always joking around, like the take-out order bit. The naming too: it suits the two. Nana does seem to be the one who takes the lead, so it's natural for her name to be first. Not only that, that means we're seeing the story through the eyes of the more passive of the two. It brings an interesting dynamic in itself that way. Just love how emotion-based/spoken-based this is, even in the narration.
Yup, the story style. Heading backwards, starting from the end to the beginning. A fitting way to do it, really. Really liked the moment with the nicknames, Becuase it's just the start of everything there.
…Oh geez, that was long review. Well, long review for a long one shot. :D Hope that wasn't too bad of a review to skim through. I know my past reviews were just terrible. XD Seriously, though, where else could you possibly find tales like this? Amazing, as always! Wished I read it earlier, but better late than never, right? :D
| SiriuslyPeeved chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
Hi! I only barely know the SSB fandom (I'm familiar with many of the stand alone games at least) so I may miss some things, but I enjoyed this chapter on its own.
There's just the smallest amount of tense confusion in the first three paragraphs, where I wasn't sure whether you had begun the flashback or were in present tense. Otherwise the flow was clear and consistent.
The interweaving of romance and adventure works really well. The difficult situations Popo and Nana have survived together make their compatibility come to light. (now I'm really curious what they are up to in the game!)
I loved many of Popo's little self-deprecating asides, especially "Hopefully one will take into account that I am far from the smoothest operator in the phone bank..." Good one! Also loved the Calvin and Hobbes reference ;)
Nice job, I enjoyed this!
| pokeperson1000 chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
one of the best stories i have ever read. no lie. i shall now favorite this story.
| EggplantWitch chapter 1 . 1/18/2012
Ah, Araceli : I miss you. I've not spoken to her for ages, which is a damn shame because I think she's just as awesome as you do. Either way, I'm 100% sure that she'll love this fic to pieces, because it's about her favourite characters in her favourite genre and written by a very good author :3
It's a really good idea/theory thing about the Ice Climbers and their history and names and though I don't know anything, it seems like you've researched and/or knew quite a bit about the actual games. Kinda makes me want to go play the demo on SSBB, just so I can fit this all in.
Nice Coldplay reference there too :D
| The Moonlight Sonata chapter 1 . 1/17/2012
It was a sweet, fluffy story. I never like the idea of a game turned into real life, but you balanced it. Romeo & Juliet, Ice Climbers, and Reality! Every time I look at a story like this, I ignore it.
But, that's because they have one of those three things missing. Good job.