|Reviews for The Watch|
| Fives32 chapter 1 . 9/23/2014
Freaking. Mary Sue.
| Guest chapter 27 . 6/23/2013
really great story loved it
| Guest chapter 11 . 6/23/2013
| Rattling Bones chapter 1 . 5/28/2013
I'm going to be honest when I say this story is alright but could use some improvements. It really needs editing and it's a big pet peeve of mine whenever people post fanfics with misspelled words and grammar issues despite having acces to Microsoft Word or at least online dictionaries. Previous people have commented that your character seems like a Mary Sue and I am inclined to agree. It's like you took all of the cliches of a stereotypical anime character and tried to force her into an American comic world. Not to mention she's incredibly rude and abrasive and this comes off as annoying especially when she's being rude to characters we have already established that we like. Her character is rather flighty and cliche and you really need to cement who she is to you as a person first before you write. Your plot points tend to jump around as if you suddenly thought up a great idea went "oh yeah!" and just kind of crammed it in there. I'm not overly fond of genderbender fics to begin with as it takes everything about a character I love and am trying to read a fanfic about and turns them OC typically. That doesn't mean you can't do it or that it can't come off as interesting and cool but you announced the detail so suddenly that it threw me off completely and not in a good, surprised way.
What I'm trying to say is this story has incredible potential to be interesting and unique if you would just smooth out the writing style and do some clean up of editing. Form at least an existing plot path in your mind and really get a grasp of what kind of person your character is, why she acts the way she does and how that would come off to the other existing characters. You said you were rewriting this story and I'll look forward to it. I hope it comes out great and that this review didn't come off as a flamer but as someone wishing to help. Good luck.
| Mark in orlando chapter 11 . 10/2/2012
Great story, oh and Wally turned 16 on nov 11 during 1st season episode coldhearted. I think Roy is 2 years older than Wally.
| Lillianna Rider chapter 27 . 8/26/2012
YOU'RE REWRITING IT!?
*Falls to knees dramatically*
I'll help in anyway I can!
| WhyTheCagedBirdSings chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
Good story so far
| lolmak chapter 27 . 8/25/2012
i think you should rewrite the part in where wally actually tells about her being female ... just a bit less awkwardly because the first time through, the thing is a bit hard to read... also im not sure whether you did write the carnival date she had with Roy, but i couldn't find it when i read through it... and on another note entirely, if you are going to rewrite magic soul you have to stop saying that her soul belongs to science. It was said once and it meant that he did not belong to the magic world you made it an entire concept as if it had existed previously... and the fact everyone knew what was meant was a bit strange it just made it awkward to read because you as the reader wouldn't know how to react. As for the watch you kinda tend to ramble a little much. Try to clearly punctuate so the reader would know when to pause because frankly as the reader i was pretty confused at first. Also i said this in order for you to improve... i think you are a good author who just has a few bad writing habits... don't think that i would just criticize someones work for the fun of it. I mean for you to get better.
| Cookie-the-Rookie chapter 5 . 8/24/2012
You said in the end that I should tell you how you are doing with this story.
Here are a list of problems I have come across:
1: Ookami. She seems like a mary-sue, personality-wise. In the first chapter, she warns the team to not piss her off. This is extremely rude, but the thing that gets to me is her mutation. When she recieved her wolf-ears, did she keep her human ears, or did her human ears become the wolf ears?
2:I really don't care if she's Japanese or not, but it still needs to be explained why she's Japanese when the story takes place in America.
3: She makes her way to the kitchen in the first chapter even though she is new there and she had
4: Wally. I have problems with gender-benders in general. They usually are changed in appearance and personality to the point where they can't be called the same character anymore.
5: The genderbender. You did it completely out of the blue, no warning what-so-ever. You might think that's being suspenseful, but to a fanfiction reader with much better things to do than read stories of genres I don't like, it's annoying. Use warnings, we have them for reasons. You found it okay to put a warning about abuse, but not about something as big as gender change?
6:Ookami (again) All of the factors of her character make her out to be a Mary-sue. All these factors by themselves would mean nothing, but together they create a sue.
7: The very last sentence in this chapter. Ookami makes a big deal out of keep ing her father a secret, but when the time comes to discuss her, she SHRUGS and tell everyone her story, WITHOUT PROMPTING!
And before you ask, Yes, I do have better things to do than leave long reviews to stories like yours, but I'm doing a favor by telling you this: IMPROVE YOUR STORY, OR TAKE IT DOWN. I don't want future crappy writers to get any ideas from this story.
| Cookie-the-Rookie chapter 3 . 8/24/2012
For fuck's sake! We have warnings for a reason!
I'm not trying to be a flamer, or anything, but you make an oc, not just any oc, an oc with wolf ears and a Japanese name despite the American setting, you give this oc an extremely powerful father, and make them best friends with a major cannon character whose gender you have changed, WITHOUT WARNING!
You need to open your eyes and view the world around you. If you suddenly start shipping a pairing in the middle of the story, I promise you I will tell you my exact opinion in a review!
| Cookie-the-Rookie chapter 1 . 8/24/2012
Why does she have a Japanese name when she's in America? I hope these things are explained in this story!
And I love the idea of Wally in an abuse-like fic!
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 3 . 7/24/2012
Man this is awsome.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 2 . 7/24/2012
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
Ookami reminds me of my DA name.
| Jazbez chapter 5 . 7/5/2012
"Batman also realized that Kid Flash's life was slight similar to his. They both suffered through a traumatic events in their lives although Wally's was worse than his and both were raised by someone that was not related by blood but treated them like they were."
Finally! I've always seen that connection between them, especially after the "He acts like a fool to hide a warriors pain." by Orion from Flash and Substance. Problem was none of my friends ever saw the connection. -.-