|Reviews for Harry Potter: Bloodline|
| Guest chapter 1 . 11/3
I'm glad that you don't write accents for French (or Hagrid).
"we must tell the reporters of this! ... Here is our saviour, Harvey Potter!"
Not only does Dumbledore not know this to be true, even if he did, there was no reason. Claim pending investigation.
In canon, Dumbledore claims that it is better for Harry to live with his relatives to avoid his fame. Apparently he is famous for his scar, yet who has seen his scar? Only Hagrid, Dumbledore, McGonagall and possible Sirius. So who told about the scar? If Hargid, then Dumbledore should have chosen someone who can keep his mouth shut.
Also Harry is famous for defeating Voldemort. Even Dumbledore agrees that Lilly is the cause for Voldemort's defeat, so why does he say it was Harry when he knows it to be both false and the cause of a problematic fame?
The house was under Fidelius, so only a few people could even enter the house. The could have told a number of things that would have avoided Harry's fame. "Lilly (or the Potters) set a trap that killed V., unfortunately she also died." That would even have been the truth. Or "V. was defeated, details are classified", or some made up story do satisfy curiosity. Or say nothing at all.
| Bushido777 chapter 16 . 10/12
You are too much in love with Draco Malfoy.
| Kittens Kat chapter 16 . 10/4
I LIKE THIS STORY A LOT! THANK YOU!
| severussgrl chapter 16 . 9/11
this is really a great story
| StoneTheLoner chapter 16 . 9/11
Wow. This is by far my favorite story on this site. The story having an ending is a achievement already, as most of the stories on this site are dropped rather than finished, but you did it in a way that left me satisfied. I look forward to reading more of your stuff :)
| sanbeegoldiewhitey chapter 16 . 9/10
A story Xavras and the Draco Malfoy Fan Club would enjoy.
| Guest chapter 11 . 7/31
"Yes, he was going to defeat his brother. No matter the costs."
Reminds you of Sasuke Uchiha much?
| Izacer chapter 2 . 7/21
After reading the description I thought that this story could be very interesting if done correctly.
After reading the prologue I thought that I could put up with the story and laugh at how badly written it was.
After reading the first chapter I am giving up on the story.
If you care to know why, keep reading the review.
TL;DR of below Completely unbelievable situations, even in a Magical world/Ninja universe crossover. OOC beyond belief. Plot holes and Poor writing. All further explained below.
Dumbledore approving a duel to the death, between teenagers, in the middle of school hallways where eleven year old children could easily watch? In which Harry unnecessarily chops someone's head off? All of this over a pinch on the butt? Not only does Harry kill in cold blood, but Fleur and Gabrielle just go along with him as if he didn't just murder someone? No. Just no.
Not only is the situation way off base, the characters are so far gone as well that not even twisted logic could make them that way.
In canon Harry is stuffed in a cupboard for 11 years, made to do most of the cleaning and cooking while being yelled at and mistreated and still fights to protect people. Give him a better life with his parents, even if they don't love him as much as they should, and sharingan eyes? Psycho who kills over a pinch.
In canon, despite his flaws, Dumbledore was a kindhearted person who dedicated the majority of his life to two things. His search for the Deathly Hallows, and Hogwarts. Not once would he have approved a duel to the death between students. He would have just as soon chopped his own head off than willingly approve of and allow students to kill each other. Numerous times he put off telling Harry about the prophecy so he could have a normal childhood. Now he just steps aside and potentially scars dozens of students mentally and emotionally as he approves a duel to the death between two students? Hogwarts would have been evacuated, shut down, and Dumbledore thrown, kicked and rolled over flaming spikes into Azkaban before the day ended.
On top of the situation and characters being unbelievable, there are already major plot holes in your story.
The first is what happened with Voldemort. You gave no explanation as to how Harry returned the killing curse, other than he caught it in his hand before it shot back to Voldemort. Was it because of Harry's sharingan? If it was he shouldn't have unlocked it at age four, as it is unlocked some time during/after puberty while in a life threatening situation. Was it some type of magic that Lily used to protect both her sons? If so, why would she not mention it at all in the next twelve years that she's been alive? After all, she found a way to stop the killing curse.
The second is the sharingan itself, and this part is twofold. You give no explanation as to why Harry has it or how he got it. You literally drop us in a world where he has it, can use it, apparently Fleur and Gabrielle know what it is and what it can do, with out explaining anything.
So let's say I do just go along with your unexplained version where Harry suddenly has the sharingan and knows how to use it. Alright, so all that will be explained later, let's get on with the story... wait, why is it not the sharingan?
As you have stated with your translation of its name (Copy Wheel Eye), and with everything known about it from the Narutoverse, the sharingan copies movements perfectly, with a slight anticipation or prediction of an objects projected trajectory/motion. In the Narutoverse it can also see how chakra flows through a body in order to copy the Jutsu, so in the Magical world it would be able to see certain magical spells. This explains the Veela aura just fine. However, in no way would the sharingan allow Harry to learn French when Fleur and Gabrielle approach and start to speak with him in English. If they had approached and spoken to him in French, the most he would be able to do is perfectly repeat what they said to him in French, but he still would have no idea what the french words actually meant. I am ignoring the option that he learned it before they met, due to the next few lines of the conversation indicating that he knew French because of the sharingan.
On top of all that there are numerous errors in the writing itself.
1. "Every gasped as they saw the Potter's chest explode." Every should be Everyone.
2. "He. walked slowly towards the two Veela women before addressing" 1) The period goes at the end of the sentence, not after the first word. 2) Who is he addressing? Fleur? Gabrielle? Both? The crowd? A lit torch on the hallway wall?
3. If Roger is standing in front of Fleur and Gabrielle, and Harry blasts Roger ten feet away while standing right behind him, Roger would fly directly into Fleur and Gabrielle, who would also be knocked back from a combination of the same spell and Roger's body.
4. "The said person..." 'The' is unnecessary.
5. With Roger now ten feet away, how can Harry fire off a curse directly in front of him?
6. "He then cut the said person's..." Another unnecessary 'the'.
7. First the audience shrieks as Roger's arms are getting slashed, and two seconds later everyone is quietly listening? Someone would still be screaming, people would be in a panic running around trying to get away from the kid with a sword slicing someone up.
8. After using his eyes for several minutes dodging spells and being the center of attention, his eyes would have been seen ages ago, no point deactivating them at the end.
9. There are many reasons why Illusion magic is necessary. Hogwarts itself is partially protected with Illusion magic.
10. "How could this boy, ... (To lazy to quote) ... , mastered one of the..." The word have should be in front of mastered.
11. "Harry quickly took this opportunity to walked towards his two girls and steered them away from the bloodied battlefield." 1) Took this opportunity to walk towards... 2) Took this opportunity and walked towards... 3) They are not 'his' girls, he has no possession of them. He walked towards the girls.
Those mistakes were all within less than one eighth of this single chapter. Since you didn't proof read your story, or did and missed all those mistakes along with many more, I suggest getting a Beta reader. A really good one.
| Kal chapter 9 . 7/19
Yeah...I bet Hitler thought he was working towards the greater good as well.
| senawario chapter 1 . 7/20
Madam Bones calling Harry "My Lord"?
I know it's AU but I stopped reading at that point.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/14
No. Just no.
| nightlock475 chapter 13 . 6/19
i am slightly confused. in tht one ch, where they're trying to get the uchiha $, Lily didn't seem to regret anything. could u just clarify tht for me? sorry. but i really like this story, keep updating/writing/being awesome
| KingLoitl chapter 16 . 6/15
ya no what... u should make a Sequal to this ... Crossover with MASS EFFECT... like the UCHIHA EMPIRE goes and disocvers the citadel and shit, hahahah :D would be pretty epic
| Michael Bourne chapter 5 . 6/8
what you just felt now old man was killer intent
| Loveless150050 chapter 12 . 6/4
Is there going to be a sequel? Please say yes