|Reviews for A midnight visitor|
| jilyspottering chapter 1 . 6/24/2012
This was also so adorable!
| SophiaOfSlytherin chapter 1 . 2/6/2012
I absolutely adored this. It's always nice to see a softer, younger Bellatrix. The girls were all well in-character I felt. Also, your imagery was excellent. I felt like I was almost there.
However, there are a few things that could use work. You had a few issues with grammar, like ". . .that she, Bella was not like everyone else." I understand what you meant to do, but you needed another comma: that she, Bella, was not like everyone else. That kind of thing happened a few other times too. Also, a fair number of paragraphs were short and with basically only dialogue. That's okay to do occasionally, but it was a bit often in this. You could try bulking up paragraphs with descriptions: WHO said it? WHAT were they doing while they said it? HOW did they say it? WHY did they say it? Also, there was one of the bigger paragraphs in which Bellatrix and Narcissa both spoke. There should only be one speaker per paragraph.
On that note, I'd like to recommend you to the creative writing website Rocky Mountain International (www. rmimagic .com), a text-based Harry Potter RPG where we play as if Harry, Voldemort, and co. never existed. Judging by your talent, I think you'd be a great addition to the site, and you'd fit in really well with the community. It's a lot of fun, and I think we're looking for some new staff members too. I hope to see you around! :)
| iam324b21 chapter 1 . 1/25/2012
I absolutely loved this
Would love to read more of this