|Reviews for Just Playing|
| kyuubecky chapter 36 . 1/1/2013
*whimpers into stuffed bear* poor Gimli! GUYS WAKE UP! jeepers creepers im late with this review! you already have another chappie out for me to read!
| habjafcvevgbzo chapter 37 . 12/31/2012
*sigh* at least elrond is here. But they're badly injured! YOU EVIL CLIFFIE WRITER!
| Guest chapter 37 . 12/31/2012
| habjafcvevgbzo chapter 36 . 12/30/2012
Oh my...Gimli can't heal...I hope someone comes rescue them
| TheButterflyCurse996 chapter 36 . 12/30/2012
Poor Gimli...I wonder how the trio will get themselves out og this one!
| Guest chapter 36 . 12/30/2012
| guest chapter 35 . 12/29/2012
| guest chapter 21 . 12/29/2012
This is awesome
| kyuubecky chapter 35 . 12/30/2012
:AKLBNSDOIVN! I missed you Sivan! ARAGORN! MEEEEEEHHHH! Go Gimli! GO FIGHT WIN! DX PLEASE!
| habjafcvevgbzo chapter 35 . 12/29/2012
Oh valar. It seems pretty hopeless. And yet they ALWAYS make it! *looks at author imploringly*
| TheButterflyCurse996 chapter 34 . 11/11/2012
They really have no luck, do they?
| habjafcvevgbzo chapter 34 . 11/10/2012
Wow...both of them? A please don't kill off either of them...
| kyuubecky chapter 34 . 11/10/2012
GIMLI! DX Not Aragorn too! ...well...at least he ADMITS it! *coughcough* LEGOLAS *coughcough* Loving every chappie we get out there Sivan! You're doing a fantastic job at keeping me hooked and reading these over and over!
| Sadie Sil - English stories chapter 34 . 11/10/2012
| Lindir's Ghost chapter 33 . 10/28/2012
Okay, an interesting idea: one hundred words per chapter. A longer story, but almost in challenge form. You have some snatches of lovely discription in here - the sunset scene comes to mind, and something about a symphony - which suggests to me that you can write if you really bend your mind to it.
Your plot is very confusing. I have no idea where they are (you were talking about them being in a forest, and then Legolas was trying to escape from a room. Why?), and I have no idea of when this is set. During the war? After? You don't describe what they are doing ever. Are they walking? Running for their lives? Sitting in one spot when they are attacked (seemingly again, seeing as Legolas is set upon by a mystery orc and then left to crawl away). Legolas is badly injured and possibly poisoned. Is he being carried, or asked to walk on his own? I know that he's currently unconcious with an arrow in his chest, but when did that happen? The impact of an arrow is pretty hard, like being punched backwards. Like when Boromir was shot in 'Fellowship. You just don't *not* notice an arrow hitting someone. It's like you're saying "And then this happened, and then this, and he said this, but this actually happened after this." Example:
'Legolas had been shot yet again by the orcs[...]'
Eh? He was shot before? When?
This reads like you have no actual fully-formed plot idea in place, and because of that, there are mistakes being made like the one I just mentioned. Plan your idea in a seperate Word file - or on paper, whatever works - and use it as a guide, so that you know where each and every sentence is leading your readers in the bigger picture. Like I said, the idea of one hundred words an entry is interesting, but each entry has to be concise and have a point, otherwise it just seems to go on and on and on without anything important happening.
You dialogue is disjointed and, in many spots, unnatural. Your characters rarely say anything worthy of note, and they seem to do nothing but gas to each other when they should really be either fighting or running for their lives. You've slowed the action down too much in your latest battle scene by having them all having a lengthy and pointless conversation. Dialogue does not always have to have a point to it, and it doesn't even need to constantly drive the plot. I love pointless dialogue: it brings an element of humanity to the characters. But it does have to make sense.
I know that you know what is happening. This is your story, your brain baby ... but you're showing it off to the world, and the world needs to see what you see. As a reader, I want to be engulfed by a story, I want the characters to suck me into their lives and make me give a damn about what happens to them. I want to see what they see and get a real sense of the world they inhabit. But show, don't tell. Don't tell us they are in a forest and have done with it: what are the trees like? Is it autumn or spring, summer or winter? Give us sights and smells ... sunlight spilling through the eaves, the peppery scent of dried leaves after rain, that kind of thing. Paint us an image.
I know you have the ability to do it, because I've seen little sparks of imagination in what you have written so far. What I would suggest you try is speed writing, if you don't do it already. Speed writing is where you take a pen and a piece of paper and just *write* for five minutes. Don't think, it's not about thinking, and it's not about writing anything specific. Literally whatever pops into your head goes down on the paper for the whole five minutes without stopping. It's brilliant for blasting out the cobwebs and makes your story writing much cleaner. Lots of writers do it to eliminate the crap, and it really does work. ;) Read over it afterwards and see what's come out ... you never know, you might be able to use some of it.
Anyway, this is longer than I intended, and I have my own brain baby wailing for my attention.
All the best, and I hope you've found this constructive and useful,