|Reviews for Mystery in past|
| septimusjennashipping chapter 23 . 3/21
wow, i finally finished your story and I really wish I hadn't. Anytime I finish a series or something like that I feel sad knowing I'll never be able to relive those moments. This is kind of the way I feel about your story now. It took you 4 years to write and me 3 months to review. I can't believe that you still had this story in mind after 4 years and you still kept with it after all this time.
I really think this was a beautiful and sound ending. I'm pretty sure you tied up all lose ends, although I'm still wondering about Syrah, but my memory could be a little vague so I don't know. In any case I hope you did remember that as well.
So essentially, I actually was hoping for an all out battle. But I do see that you wanted to capture the emotional essence of the story instead so you sided with that, which is fine. I think you could've gave James more dialogue and made him more ruthless. I liked in this chapter how you had Beetle remember his mom and wish she had been there, which I found was sad. But I still am wondering how Beetle still loves his mom after all she's done. I would expect him to want her to change or something. But that's just a side thought.
I think you did great with Jen and Beetle as well. That scene in the prison or chamber or whatever was the confrontation I wanted. I was glad to see Jenna and Beetle make up with each other, but I think you could've just better dialogue in showing that Beetle still loved her and stuff. Something like them pouring out their feelings to each other. On second thought, that could've been too sappy. Let me know what you think!
More than anything, I think you did a great job in bringing this story to a full circle. This chapter really was a nice conclusion and I was glad to see you kept the beauty of your story in it. The ending words were also poignant and emotionally resonating again. So really really nice job with this. I'm actually very glad I got the opportunity to read your story. I know you kind of had a rough start with the earlier chapters but you really did pull through and it was really nice to see that change and evolution. There are some small grammar mistakes which you probably missed; make sure of those next time.
I think I will read your prequel soon as well. I really want to know how Pamela ended up as she did.
Once again, really nice job with this story! I'm going to miss reviewing this story and I will miss it altogether. Good luck in your future writings. Till next time! :D
| septimusjennashipping chapter 22 . 3/21
so what I liked most from this chapter is Beetles clear devotion to Jenna. even when fighting all these soldiers, he still chases after Jenna which is very lovely. I was hoping for a final showdown with James, but he was sort of kept away from all the action. I liked that you kept the central figures in such as Septimus and one really main issue with that I have is that they bear little resemblance to their book counterparts except for their names; this story may as well have been your own story instead of fanfic. Even I didn't realize how important those connections are until now. But thats ok.
The only real problem I see is with how Beetle fights off all these soldiers as he tries to get to Jenna. Its kind of odd how Jenna and Septimus just watch without doing anything. And Beetle is able to take out all these soldiers? If I look past that, I see a man aching to see his beloved, and I think that's what you were aiming for. I still think you couldve handled it better. And it would've been nice to see a confrontation between Jenna and Beetle.
Other than that, the last action by Harry is really intense and you still do a good job in maintaining the reader's interest. There's more blood and violence, which was a welcome element for the tone of this story.
I also like how you do have Jenna feel guilty near the end and how you take the reader into her thoughts. The relationship between the two is very well done and overall the chapter is another strong entry. Even with Beetle fighting off the soldiers to reach Jenna, you still managed to make that very emotional and passionate as we could feel Beetle's desperation.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 21 . 3/21
props for the chapter title! i think its really nice and emotionally resonating. I really liked how you dealt with James in this chapter. He was very interesting to watch an see his next move. Honestly, you do a good job in engrossing your readér. The tension is very high an you keep it there nearly for the whole chapter. I found the thing with the star original and likewise interesting. I also enjoyed the spy's loyalty to Beetle.
One thing I didn't really get is when James asks you cracked the code? when there wasnt a code at all. I know what you were trying to say: that they figured him out and his plan, but I think you could use better wording for that so it is less confusing to the reader.
Finally, I like Beetles change of heart at the end. It was also poignant an very well done. It keeps the reader wanting for more. Nice job with this chapter!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 20 . 3/20
I think this chapter is also another strong entry. Once again, you play with the emotions well and you keep good focus on the plot and the characters, and overall the story. I liked how Sep and Beetle shared their last fizz fruit. It was very bittersweet and you did a nice job with it :)
I also liked how you explained Jenna's conflict between being a Queen and a woman. I think that element was also strong and really good.
Beetle is obviously very different in this story than he is from the books. I think you did a nice job as well in making him have logical reactions and emotions. And that's another thing: you still kept his feelings without being becoming totally apathetic. James is starting to really shape up as well, which I'm looking forward to seeing more of!
Overall, in comparison to your earlier chapters, this is a much different and much better chapter by far. You've honestly come really far and it's really nice to see as well. Can't wait to read the next chapters!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 19 . 3/19
hey! I finally got back to story and overall it's going great. I don't think I have much time right now to finish my review, so I'm gonna go ahead and say what I can.
So first, I felt at times the chapter was a little too long and then at some parts a few more details couldn't have hurt. It may be because it's online, I don't know. But it's not that much of a problem, I would just say be wary in balancing out details.
I have nothing but positives for this chapter. You make all the emotions and the story very clear and logical. I like how you made Beetle to believe that Jenna would want to kill him; I felt that that was very clever. And likewise, what you did with Jenna and how she still trusts Beetle. This is honestly a very well written and complex love story! I also liked the two sides of Harry and James, and even the remaining followers of Pamela. I can feel the final battle brewing and it makes the story all that more intense. You transformed Pamela from a ruthless person to someone who's radical ideas are still in effect; it's very powerful and reminiscent of what we see in the world today. I also admired Harry's care for Jenna.
As for extra details I mentioned, I felt that at some parts some things were rushed and abrupt. Like when Beetle goes to James and his followers. It felt a little too easy. Also, what happens between the last chapter and this chapter? Harry almost got killed right? I think you could've added what happened between then and now, because that's a big thing.
Overall, I really like the politics involved but I just noticed you maybe using it in excess. Have a little fun and throw in some Magyk in the story too :D Add some ghosts and powers and stuff like that. I like the difference in tone from the books; it's more serious which I like, but I still think you can add a little more fun things like the Magyk. The beauty of fanfic is when the story you write could have almost happened in the books themselves. You don't have to do that, but I think it would make it more enjoyable for readers.
Will get to your next chapters soon!
| Lady Lysithia chapter 23 . 3/14
Beetle's alive! Thank goodness! I was afraid he died D:
I liked this chapter a lot. It was a very good ending, and I'm glad it was happy. The part when Sep and Beetle called Jenna by her name once more was really nice, and the wedding was very cute and the ending paragraph very sweet.
And I really liked what you did with Harry in the story. I usually don't like OCs, but he was well written and three dimensional.
In the start of the story, there weren't as many details, the dialogue didn't flow as well, but you've improved so so much. It's really amazing how great your writing became. *Gives standing ovation*
I'm a bit sad that I didn't see this story while it was being written, but I'm glad I was there for the last two chapters. This was a lovely story and I hope to see more soon (hopefully one on Diana?). It's great how you stuck with it from start to end.
Wishing you luck with anything else you write,
| Lady Lysithia chapter 22 . 3/13
Wow wow wow!
This story- that last chapter- it's all so amazing and complex and obviously very well thought out! I love how you write each character, how you fleshed out Harry, what you did with Beetle's mother, and everything, really. All the situations are really complex, like Beetle having to choose between his mother and Jenna. That was just really good writing.
And omigosh how you wrote Jenna, her choices, what she does, what she ends up doing, everything is just so well thought out.
Your details are amazing and in the right places. I can picture everything that's going on clearly in my head. I can SEE Beetle, I can SEE Jenna. I can SEE Harry (who looks like Harry Potter without glasses in my head :P) and that's a really great thing you can do with writing, so well done on that. You've really come a long way in terms of your writing since the first chapter.
And I love the dialogue. It's really well done. Oh, and this story made me even more excited for the next chapter of A Women's Ambitions! My only suggestion for this story is that you go back and revise a few parts of the earlier chapters. I think more people would read it then ;)
NO! POOR BEETLE! PLEASE MAKE HIM COME BACK TO LIFE OR SOMETHING. OR DON'T BECAUSE THAT WILL ADD TO THE STORY.
I can't wait until the next chapter. You are really talented, don't forget it! And I hope my review wasn't too long.
| Lady Lysithia chapter 21 . 3/13
I love this story so far, and I'm going to give you the review you deserve after I finish the nest chapter. You said to guess how the story would end, and, thinking about the direction it's been going in, I think it will end sadly. But I won't complain if you prove me wrong ;)
| FluffyFennicFox chapter 20 . 2/27
I'm too lazy to log on but I wrote Septimus Heap stories on here about five years ago, and we messaged for awhile. Since I'm following you it emailed me when you started posting again. I think it's awesome that you're continuing this story after all this time. It would also be cool if you remembered me xD Hehehe.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 18 . 2/15
this was a very well written chapter. I think the highlight of this is the talk between Beetle and Harry. Both of them present good points and it reminds me of the interrogation scene in the Dark Knight. One thing I would recommend is that you make it very clear who Beetle is completely loyal to. Sometimes I get a little confused. For example, I got confused with this when Beetle's personal spy came in. Does Jenna know about him? It just makes Beetle look a little suspicious and seems as if he's doing things behind Jenna's back.
I think the scene with Beetle and Jenna in the turret is also very nicely written and in a way beautiful. I'm glad that you have them alone in the Queen's room so they can talk. You put the reader right in the scene and I felt like I was with them, so that's very good. You nicely developed Beetle's loyalty and love to Jenna as well the sacrifice they are both making.
This is a shorter review because I think this chapter is also shorter and I also understood better what was going on. This was a good chapter. Nice work!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 17 . 2/15
I really liked this chapter. I think the drama and the tension were really nice and once again you did a great job with Jen and Beetle. Just to be clear, did we meet Diana in earlier chapters? Do let me know if we have; i'm sure you included because her mention without background was a little random. Also is Beetle putting up a sort of image to the council? His true loyalty is to Jenna if I'm not mistaken.
I felt that the 3 year time gap was a little too long. I think 6 months or something would've been more reasonable. Also for Jen and Beetle to be engaged for 3 years is also a little odd.
I liked the character of James when I was reading. He seems complex and and mysterious. Also, if Diana is the daughter of Beetle's uncle, she is his cousin too. Will there be anything significant with that?
What I really liked throughout this chapter is the political consequences of what happened with Pamela. I think you display a strong understanding of how politics work and people are influenced by certain events. You should stick with that and continue to build a stronger story around that. I liked that there are certain enemies within Jenna's own council.
Also, Syrah is awake completely now? I remember you mentioned her early in the chapter and I thought she would play a bigger part.
By the way, when you're writing, you tend to have dialogue interchange between characters in the same stanza. In my opinion, I think it would be easier if you added line breaks between dialogue. It can get kind of confusing who is talking.
I think the ending could've been a little better, though. I think you should've added more details describing Harry and Diana's relationship now so when she is attacked, the reader feels a stronger connection.
So really good job so far!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 16 . 2/13
hello! I'm so sorry I took so long with this. I really needed some time for myself and rest, so thanks for your patience. I didn't forget your story :)
So first of all, I will say I am a little confused. I'm starting to see that this may be partly due to grammar and occasional lack of details. It just makes it a little hard to read at times and not understand what you are trying to say.
For this chapter, I noticed that you made things a little easier for the characters. From what I'm understanding, Jenna and the gang were able to transport to Pamela's camp. But then Beetle is able to easily run to her chamber? I would expect some security or protection. Also, how did Pamela gain so much power? There seemed to be a lot that had happened. But nonetheless I thought you could've made it a little hard for Jenna and Beetle to get to Pamela and stuff. Where are they hiding by the way? Also, do Jenna and Pamela share a common enemy? In the negotiation scene, it looked like Jenna wanted Pamela's help.
Despite all that, I think the emotion and the tension that was here was very gratifying. I loved the interactions between Beetle and Pamela. I was surprised to see him finally call her mom, which I found beautiful. I think you've done a great job of illustrating Pamela. She seems like the perfect villainess and bordering on a femme fatale. So great job on that.
Your story is in my opinion full of potential and really original. Be very careful when writing and put down EVERYTHING you see in your head. Describe all the sights, smells, and feelings. Everything counts, so do be careful. I also noticed you updated a new chapter! Great job and keep it up!
| Bluejay Silvertongue chapter 15 . 2/9
The action is starting to pick up, and I could definitely see a bit clearer where it's going. The scene with the envoys I think is one of the best I've seen so far, both in pace and showing the scene. One question I have is, who is the narrator in this story? Angie Sage does this interesting thing in the books where she constantly swaps perspectives, so then we're seeing things from Silas, or Marcia, or Jenna, or Septimus' perspective throughout the story, which most writers don't do in order to keep the voice consistent, but I think she does effectively.
In general, I feel like you're writing from Jenna's perspective, so I'd love to see more of her INNER dialogue. There's a lot of spoken dialogue in this chapter, I definitely see improvement in the flow, and in the way you describe how they speak (cheerfully, shrugged, laughed- really good job with this!). I would just suggest thinking more about who is telling the story, because again, because if there's no narrator/main perspective, it just feels like we're outside observers, and not really in on the story. Good job, overall, though!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 15 . 2/9
who exactly is the emperor here who wants to have a diplomatic relationship with Jenna's country? I'm not sure if you mentioned this earlier. Also, how did that box that Jenna asked Beetle to receive get near the south palace? Is it just there? I didn't really get why a person's death sentence would be hidden a box somewhere. How does Jenna know about it and who is Queen Mathilda?
I think this chapter is pretty strong as well. There is nice tension between Beetle, Pamela, and Jenna. However, if Pamela is Beetle's mom why doesn't he ever call her mom? It would make sense if he expressed closer relationship with her. And how did Septimus know to be there, watching Beetle.
I have mostly questions for this chapter, questions I hope you will give clear explanations of in later chapter. Remember, details matter. I need to know exactly why Septimus is there and how he got there. How did the box get there, Jenna's conflict and relationships.
The drama is a high point in this story, though. Keep that up. Also, do have a little fun and throw in some Magyk in there. I liked seeing the Flyte charm again; I would love to see more things from the canon.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 14 . 2/7
wait...Pamela is sister of previous Queen's cousin? This sounds really familiar but I forget haha.
This was quite an interesting chapter. I liked Harry's background a lot. It was really interesting and dark; you nicely fleshed him out and didn't leave him a 2 dimensional character which is good. The ending was really sweet and beautiful. Pamela is also turning out to be interesting; if you had shown her commit murder, you would've established her as a complete villain.
My main problem with this chapter is that it kind of doesn't flow that well, to be honest. There is a lot going on and you cut to several major scenes with little to no background of what's going on. I know the effect you're trying to get out of where, but I think you could do it better. Like when Jenna says something, explain in detail where she is and who she is talking with. The reader will need context or else we will be left confused and will lose focus. Also, what is the Ice faction? I didn't really know what that was in the beginning.
Overall, just make sure to take your time writing these. Flesh out the details and don't rush into dialogue. Be careful so that everything sounds nice. Reread it yourself and make sure it makes sense.
Great chapter, still.