|Reviews for Mystery in past|
| septimusjennashipping chapter 14 . 16h
wait...Pamela is sister of previous Queen's cousin? This sounds really familiar but I forget haha.
This was quite an interesting chapter. I liked Harry's background a lot. It was really interesting and dark; you nicely fleshed him out and didn't leave him a 2 dimensional character which is good. The ending was really sweet and beautiful. Pamela is also turning out to be interesting; if you had shown her commit murder, you would've established her as a complete villain.
My main problem with this chapter is that it kind of doesn't flow that well, to be honest. There is a lot going on and you cut to several major scenes with little to no background of what's going on. I know the effect you're trying to get out of where, but I think you could do it better. Like when Jenna says something, explain in detail where she is and who she is talking with. The reader will need context or else we will be left confused and will lose focus. Also, what is the Ice faction? I didn't really know what that was in the beginning.
Overall, just make sure to take your time writing these. Flesh out the details and don't rush into dialogue. Be careful so that everything sounds nice. Reread it yourself and make sure it makes sense.
Great chapter, still.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 12 . 2/5
I think the best thing of this chapter is the action in it. After 10 chapters of drama and suspense, this chapter kind of kicked it up a notch by having an action scene. Harry's involvement is also nice, but I'm not sure what to think of him honestly. He's eavesdropping and then being really nice to Jenna; but that niceness felt that he liked her. And in that eavesdropping part, I think the conversation between Beetle and Harry could've been longer. I face this problem before too. I would think I wrote the conversation well enough but when I'm rereading, I realize there's a lot more I could've added. I noticed there are more descriptive details, linking different parts of the story so it went smoothly. I liked the part in the beginning with Sep; he's also important and mustn't be forgotten. I hope there's an explanation for Jenna's sudden mood changes. If not, there should be or at least more description between two different emotions she feels so she doesn't come off as bipolar or something. I think some of the emotions are also a little extreme; relax a little with them, I keep seeing Beetle raging hardcore lol.
Also, when you're writing these new chapters, keep in mind what happened in the chapters before. What the characters thought and felt must carry through as their emotions affect them later. This problem can arise when you have a number of chapters like you do here. Plan out your chapters if you haven't already, so you know what to do.
I don't think this is one your best chapters, but I think it serves a nice place in the overall story. The ending keeps me interested for me and I enjoyed Jen interact with three different characters and how she behaved with them. I will be reading your next chapters shortly!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 11 . 2/4
The story is definitely coming along and this chapter helps propel the plot. I like the other twist that Beetle could be the spy, but I think you could've dragged out the reaction and tension of that. By dragging it out, you intrigue and interest the reader more. I also like this character of Harry, I'm glad you included him more and fleshed out his character a little bit more. As I'm reading this, all I hope is that you do know the end of all your subplots because it's going to get convoluted and messy if you don't know them all the way. The audience is still being planted with more questions than answers, and I think you should give a little bit more information so the audience follows along, instead of being confused. But of course I don't know what your story is going to fully be. I just want you to know that right now I am sort of confused but in a manner that I want to read more and figure out what's going on. And that is key to making a great story!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 10 . 2/3
So my biggest concern for this chapter is that I think you rushed it a little bit. Jenna just wakes up suddenly and gives a decree out of nowhere? What exactly happened? I think it would've been better if there was more time lapse between those two events. Maybe Jen wondering what happened. I think you were trying to show that Jen remembered what had happened before she fainted in a dramatic manner. I think those extra details are once again necessary. Also, how did the Erick get captured? There just seemed to be enough time for all of this to happen. In terms of exposition and plot structure, I think it could've been better.
Apart from that, the actual story still seems to be fine. I would still like to know how Erick got captured, but I think your biggest strength right now is keeping focus on Beetle and Jenna. You are doing a great job in elevating their relationship and that's a nice thing to see. You also are still keeping back details, like Beetle refusing to tell Jenna why his mother needed power. Just know that when you do get these details explain EVERYTHING. Hold back the details you want to but even those details should be revealed later. Those details in fact shape up a story of their own. Honestly, with those details of Beetle's mother, you literally have a story within a story. So you have to keep the subplot just as strong and fluid. Watch out for plotholes and fix them when you can.
Your story is still very intriguing and definitely worth the read!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 9 . 2/2
i think the little beginning should've been left at the end of the last chapter. I was just thinking this because that little conversation between Jenna and Beetle didn't really lead anywhere. I liked the little details taking Jenna to the Manuscriptorium. It was sort of a fresh of breath air after all that tension. I felt when Jenna did ask Beetle for the address, Beetle could've had a better reaction. The reaction in here wasn't bad, I thought it could've been a little more elevated and more tense. I thought Jenna was still mad at Erick and that Beetle would've had a bigger issue for Jenna asking for Erick's address; I just felt a little was missing. I also think you could've dived deeper into Jenna's thoughts when she's at the palace. Like have her wondering what's going on so we can see her internal conflict. I also liked the twist; I didn't see that coming so it was very nicely done. But I also felt the ending was kind of odd. I thought that Jenna was relieved and maybe she would confess her love to Beetle or something. I also thought it would've made more sense if Beetle didn't know what his mother was doing but instead learned about it too.
What I liked most, though, is that there's a driving arc in this story. This whole mystery with Beetle's mom is definitely a better arc than the love triangle between Jenna, Beetle, and Eric. I felt that this idea was a lot stronger than the previous ones. There's a lot more potential and room for emotional drama. I would stay on this track if I were you.
On that note, I look forward to what your next chapters have to hold!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 8 . 2/2
oh snap. this is my honest reaction by the way. this chapter feels like a turning point in the story. it's a lot better and is a lot stronger. it's literally soaking with curiosity and the title of it is fitting. not only are many questions asked, the audience is also left with many questions. I liked the addition of Beetle having a sword. I always wondered why Angie never included things like that in her books, it was so vacant.
So basically, I really liked this chapter. The interactions and character development was also better. Since this was between Beetle and Jenna only, rather than 2 or 3 other people, we're able to know these characters better.
Minor mistakes are like grammar and punctuation, and I still think you could add a little more details to make the story to flow better, like a movie, going back to what I said earlier.
Overall, good job!
| septimusjennashipping chapter 7 . 1/31
the beginning was kind of confusing. I didn't understand why erick was dripping wet and there seemed to be no explanation as to why. also I expected Beetle to say more when he came to Jenna and Erick.
I think, overall, you should write more details. They add to the story and make it much more suspenseful and captivating. This chapter was sort of short, despite being interesting. But I think this story is still very good and is shaping up very well.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 6 . 1/31
aw man, I was hoping for a confrontation between Beetle and Erick. Also, Beetle almost dying kind of felt random. First they were shopping for a wedding dress, next thing we find out Beetle may die. I think it would've helped if other symptoms were shown in earlier chapters to build up suspense.
You do a great job in the relationships. They are consistent throughout the story and they make sense now with Beetle and Jen. I'm liking this story very much.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 5 . 1/31
this was very nice but kinda felt cliche with the erick thing. i liked that you brought syrah back. she was always very interesting. i hope you expand more on beetle's uncle and jen's relative. that also sounded interesting and i would love to know more about their past. nonetheless, great work.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 4 . 1/31
the tension is good here again, but I think you kind of rushed it. Septimus' actions were kind of abrupt and brief, I didn't understand why he acted like that toward Jenna. I think you were trying to make it seem that Septimus was mad for not truly "seeing" Beetle or his love for her.
The way you could see this is like a movie. With just dialogue, it's like the actor is just reading his lines. It's better when you describe in words what Sep is feeling just an actor conveys certain emotions. Without that, all you see is action and it's not interesting.
Overall, the story is still great but extra details wouldn't have hurt.
| septimusjennashipping chapter 3 . 1/31
ok finally got to this :)
so i agree with bluejay, there are a lot of grammar mistakes but i don't see it as much of a problem since you acknowledged that you could do better.
as for plot, I find this story very interesting. I like the conversation between Sep and Beetle; you really portray them as good friends here, which is nice to see. I also like the tension between Jenna, Beetle, and Erick. Mostly with Beetle and Erick. It elevates the plot and is a nice subplot. It also nicely illustrates Beetle's affections for Jenna. I think the idea with the baby is also nice and hope to see more of her too :)
From what I've read so far, this looks to me like a great start.
| Bluejay Silvertongue chapter 14 . 1/19
They sure faint a lot! Also, hi Marcia! Wow, I made the “I’m not 12” joke in my fanfic, too. I don’t know why, it just seems like a conversation they would have. Sorry to gravitate to her- but it’s impossible not to! I think the confrontation with Pamela is good, but it’s a little strange how it ends. Why would she just let them walk away?
Overall, I can feel that you’re moving the plot along, and it’s interesting to see how Castle life is, since we spend so much time in the Wizard Tower in the canon. One thing I would really enjoy seeing in the return of Magyk- without it, it really doesn’t feel much like a fanfic of Septimus Heap. Also, don’t be afraid to show things- not everything needs to be dialogue and actions. Show us the rooms and the faces and the body language, and give us a little background now and then. Otherwise, it’s like sitting in a crowded cafe with your eyes shut- you can hear what’s going on, the words and voice tones, but can’t see what is happening. It makes it so much richer to have a perspective, some narration.
| Bluejay Silvertongue chapter 13 . 1/19
So to be honest, I ship Sep/Jenna. I’m trying to keep an open mind, though. The Beetle in this story is a little hard to pinpoint at times. I’m not sure if he’s cold and arrogant and jealous, or caring and hopelessly romantic.
I’m still not exactly sure what Jenna’s running from except that she doesn’t feel she can be with Beetle, and the man she was engaged to turned out to be a traitor. Not to sound rude, but she’s had a lot more to deal with in the past. So a brief recap of everything she’s dealing with as she rides into the woods would be a really nice touch.
| Bluejay Silvertongue chapter 12 . 1/19
So I know this is your story and of course you are at liberty to do anything you want with it- but Septimus is an extremely powerful Wizard, and his mentor is the most powerful Magykal wizard in the Castle- couldn’t they come up with some kind of spell or charm to keep Jenna safe during this hunt? I feel like there is so little Magyk in the story, and it’s one of the things that made the original series so interesting- all the nifty little spells and charms, and the great, powerful ones as well. It's a good chapter, otherwise!
| Bluejay Silvertongue chapter 11 . 1/19
Not much to say about this chapter that I haven’t already. The flow of it is actually quite good, and I see more actions, which is great. I think the only thing I would say is that in terms of editing your chapters before posting, read through a several times and ask yourself what is necessary. It is perfectly all right to end conversations abruptly and then add a line break. If there are sections that add nothing to the characters of the plot, they should really go. In an actual novel, maybe little moments that are just nice can fly, but on a website like this where we read chapter to chapter, it’s hard to keep interest going when we have to read through unnecessary material.