|Reviews for Curious Flea|
| Wolf of the Western Woods chapter 1 . 9/4/2013
Mon Dieu, where to begin? Hello again, just looking through your other stories, as the last one had some promise. No offense intended, as before, and I hope I can be of some help to you as an author.
Explanation. One word, so many amazing possibilities. There is very little explanation of how long Francoeur has felt this "curiosity" towards Lucille. Other than, "Francoeur had been ever so curious towards Lucille ever since they had come across one another," there's none. In order for this to come off as anything but...uncomfortably timed, there has to be a lot more explanation of the premise before you just cut right down to it.
I would try reading this one out loud to yourself as well. I've seen your profile now, and from what I can tell you seem to be a native English speaker, so the grammar really needs to be fixed. When something doesn't read smoothly, it detracts from the story. For example:
"He knew Carlotta was quite the chatter-box towards himself and Lucille. Just then, the one's said name came in to the room."
Read that out loud to yourself and think. Is it something you would say if you were trying to explain something in a conversation? If not, try to re-write it to sound more natural. A story is a conversation after all; it's a conversation with your readers.
I won't go very much into the other characters from the movie having little presence, as I mentioned that before. Carlotta is there, but she's the only canon character you've mentioned besides Lucille and Francoeur. Also repeat problems: phrasing, thrown-in French, and imagery issues.
I'd say that there are three problems that need the most attention in this one the third being the biggest. The first is the dialogue; the romantic compliments sound like something out of a pick-up line book. No offense, I'd just work on that. The second is the natural progression of events. They just start getting physical way to quickly to be believable. There would be a little more discussion of the matter, perhaps even flirtation? It would make the romantic advances seem more real if they actually expressed some intention of touching one another before they did.
The third problem is character representation. You need to work on Francoeur, as I'd say he's definitely OOC. He was shy and reserved in the film, usually following Lucille's lead. In the dancing they did at the end of La Seine, in a moment that made me art-gasm (my expression for squeal-in-delight-over-the-beauty-of-something-cre ated-by-man) Francoeur was constantly watching Lucille and his motions were just a half second delayed from hers. In other words, he was copying her. I know this is unintentional, as you really seem to love these characters, but he comes off as forward and horny in this, not reserved, gentlemanly, or, well, Francoeur. I'm not saying that a scene like this couldn't be written about Francoeur and Lucille, I'm just saying that it needs to be written within the confines of the characters or it ceases being a scene about Francoeur and Lucille entirely.
And if Francoeur needs work, so does Lucille. Just as Francoeur is reserved, Lucille is headstrong and very certain of herself. This is one of my favorite things about the character, as women are so rarely represented as strong in the cinema. This has been getting better lately, for which all strong, confident women cheer, but there is still the ever present "Bella Swan Syndrome" that make women into useless, defenseless objects to be won and protected. I'm not saying that she goes all the way to Bella standards, but your Lucille is a little too compliant to be in character. Oh, and her hair is red. I know, little nick-picky character description thing there, but I'm an artist, what can I say?
Finally, is this a sex scene or just intense cuddles? Because as far as I saw, you didn't show anything in "mature rating" territory. Just physically touching someone isn't sex. I know it is sometimes difficult to tell how high to rate a story, but I don't personally think this needs more that a "teen" rating.
Again, I am only giving a friendly critique of a fellow writer in one of my favorite fandoms. I don't mean offense by any of this, and I hope you can take something of use from my review.
| GodlyJewel chapter 1 . 6/27/2013
Very interesting story. I look forward to what happens in the upcoming chapter.
| Waruitenshi chapter 1 . 4/27/2013
Awww! That was cute! X3 I love this movie! XD
| CosmicHorse chapter 1 . 4/27/2013
Very sweet and not to explicit. A perfect mix of the two. I like :)
| Jack104 chapter 1 . 1/14/2013
oh my. the whole time i was reading this i kept getting flustered. and my face was beet red at the end. i always pegged franceore as the "shy" type. but nothing less
AMAZING! JUST SIMPLY OUTSTANDING!
| SiZodiac chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
i thought Francoeur cannot talk. he can sing though, so i end up imagining him singing to Lucille in this story.
| Empress Oriana chapter 1 . 9/11/2012
Tres bien! C'est manifique! :)
| megumisakura chapter 1 . 2/2/2012
| Zissou Intern chapter 1 . 1/28/2012
Très bon! I am from across the pond so I have yet to see the film, but your story seems to suit it perfectly (at least, it suits the impression I have in my head). Your prose is very lyrical and lovely. Hopefully once the film has a wider release, you will see many more reviews!