|Reviews for Age of Deception|
| Riverstyxx chapter 1 . 2/13/2012
Okey dokey, not a bad start to your story. There are some grammar problems I'm seeing, and a few other things that could do with a bit of work. Why not let people know in an author's note at the start or end of the next chapter that you're after a beta reader? Maybe someone will volunteer. Or try sending messages to other authors in this archive and see if anyone is willing. :)
Anyway, I like the way you started this chapter. Seemed sort of prophecy-like...very mysterious and intriguing, a good way to pull readers in. The Spyro and Cynder scene could use a little work though, mostly just for lack of emotion. I can see that Spyro is supposed to be somewhat distressed in this scene, but I'm just not feeling it. Try going into expressions and descriptions of feelings. e.g. 'Spyro screamed as he leaped up from his slumber, eyes wide with terror and heart hammering madly.'
'"Are you ok?" Cynder asked suddenly, concerned, having been roused by his racket. her anxious eyes searched his startled face for answers.'
You got a bit better at this in the next few scenes. However, there was a little too much redundancy in some places, e.g. '...but then his tone and demeanor became one of glum, sorrow and sadness.' - Those words all mean the same, so you only really need to use one. Or try mixing it up a bit with a similar word that doesn't quite mean the same thing, e.g. '...became one of sadness and despair.'
Again in this line: '...with a sad depressed look on his face.' That's definitely redundant. Use either 'sad' or 'depressed', but there's no need for both.
"They saved the planet Sparx." - when someone is addressed like this in dialogue, there needs to be a comma before their name, e.g. "They saved the planet, Sparx."
Your description is pretty good, but be careful when describing what the characters look like. The general rule is 'Show, don't tell', but when you described the guardians' appearance, you were telling. And it's hard for the reader to digest so much information at once, so stagger it out.
Some examples of what I mean:
'The emerald green dragon looked at the city with a sigh...'
'His horns, much like spikes of ice sticking out from his skull, glinted like icicles in the sunlight.'
'The yellow dragon stretched his wings, flashing electric blue membranes that matched the scales of his underbelly.'
There's no need to tell us every detail of their appearance all at once. It's information overload and tends to jerk the reader out of the story. Keep that in mind.
'The prophecies all swirl around the Purple Dragon correct.' - I don't think 'swirl' is the best of words to use here. I think 'centre' is more likely the word you were going for. Also, when someone puts 'correct' at the end of their sentence like that, they're usually asking a question. e.g. 'The prophecies all centre around the Purple Dragon, correct?'
'A few hours later he was in another fight where the attackers asked him a question.' - This sentence leaves me feeling very unsatisfied. A few hours later? What was he doing for those few hours? What did he see in that time? What was he thinking? Even if it doesn't seem important, give us something! Otherwise it just feels we've skipped a scene or something. And don't TELL us he was in another fight, SHOW us he was. Describe him coming upon the next group of wolves and attacking, or the wolves seeing him approach and becoming defensive. Help us to see what you're seeing.
This isn't a bad first chapter, but it could use a bit of work to reach its full potential. You've got a very interesting plot on your hands here, and I'd like to see it continue. Just keep working on improving your writing and I'm sure this story will grow into something great. Even if you don't improve immediately (no one does), you will over time. I'm just trying to point you down the right track on what you need to improve on. :)
Don't give up, keep writing, and let your imagination run wild. And don't forget to ask around for beta readers to help you with the things you're unsure of. ;)
| XxxchaosxxX chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
Good plot it would be good if Spyro became dark at random times eventually attacking Cynder. I guess i will have to wait and see keep up the good work and you will here more from me, until then goodluck.