|Reviews for Memories|
| BananaNutCrunch chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
NO OH MY GOD WHY
I thought it was just going to be some cute fic about them house-hunting or something but then SUDDENLY DEATH AUGH
"I hope that you grow up as fine and respectable as you are now (however Alfred, you need a little improvement)" ORZ
Right okay on a slightly less spastic note, I quite liked this! It was sweet, but there are just a couple of things that I'd like to point out (that I'm actually also guilty of myself but I'm trying very hard to curb ha ha ha);
A lot of the time referring to people as "the Canadian" or "the American" is kind of unnecessary, you know? Because it's a bit distracting and it's something a lot of fanfic authors do. It's a bit like referring to the characters as "the blonde" or "the blue-eyed man". Anyone who doesn't write fanfic probably wouldn't refer to their characters that way hahahaha.
And also there is discontinuity there. I mean, the whole Canadian/American thing, in this setting, sounds a bit iffy. If Francis and Arthur grew up together and then introduced their kids to each other when they were very small, it's unlikely that the kids would have different nationalities. Even if they did, it would be best if you were to explain that properly (e.g. Francis and Arthur got separated for a while, and then met again or they kept in contact with each other or something), because otherwise I'm left wondering how the two could have grown up together, gotten married, had kids, introduced the kids to each other, and then suddenly they're separated and meet in Vermont by coincidence. It's like there's a big link that's missing there.
Also (and this is going to sound awful of me because I've done it before) I find the random French to be a little jarring. As someone (very rightly) told me, people don't really talk like that in real life. Like, I speak Malay, but I never use Malay words when speaking in English, even more so if the person I'm speaking to doesn't understand Malay. If I wanted to include the character's native language (e.g. French) it's best to have some sort of understanding of it (or ask someone who does), because the best time to use a foreign expression is when there is no English equivalent. That way it adds to the story, rather than being an annoying attempt to be more "in tune with the character's nationality".
I'll give you an example. In Malay, the term "kenyang" means "full". But it specifically means a full stomach; it doesn't apply to any other sort of 'full' (like a full bag or being full of shit heuaeheahu) the way English does. It conveys a sort of satisfaction over eating your fill. There isn't really an English equivalent to it. So a term like this would be sort of nice in a fic because it conveys a meaning that can't really be expressed in English. But a term like "apa khabar", which only means" how are you", would not be best in a fic because really, English is perfectly suited for it and a person in real life wouldn't use it in a conversation that's taking place in another language.
/blathers on and on and on
Anyway other than that, you did pretty well! Keep writing :D
| Mosalo V chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
\o/ Finally remembered to review this! \o/\o/\o/
Anywho... Very good story IMO. I love the fight between Maddie and Al. XD
And lucky You can write fanfics for assignments... ;_; *can't really do that*
But good job! Keep up the good work! *hugs*
| RoseDoesProse chapter 1 . 1/31/2012
omfg, this is brilliant!
You have no idea how jealous I am right now of your writing capabilities.
Any constructive criticism?
So you refer to Al as a 'nineteen-year-old man' which I think would make more sense as just 'nineteen-year-old' though I guess it could go either way.
and then you say 'Madeline deadpanned', which is, as it says in my handy-dandy dictionary: verb ( deadpans, deadpanning, deadpanned ) [ with direct speech ]
say something amusing while affecting a serious manner: “I'm an undercover dentist,” he deadpanned.
So maybe saying 'Madeline rolled her eyes' or 'Madeline snorted in disbelief' would be better?
aaand, I think that's it. There are a few more mistakes in there, I think, but they're all just problems with spacing, nothing major.
All in all, good work! Ah, and that bit with Francis and Arthur, that was awesome- sorry, I mean, that was awkward!
Man, it blows my mind that you could stick on course long enough to complete that!
Not that you're not good at concentrating! Not what I meant!
Just that /I'm/ not good at concentrating, so it's really cool that you could and oh crap I'm babbling aren't I?
Ooookay, I'm gonna beat it before I make a fool of myself ((mission already accomplished, hun. )Shut up.) but that was awesome and see ya later!
Miss Awesome 2012
| XxxFire RosexxX chapter 1 . 1/30/2012
WHHAAAT! Your not going to continue! I really liked this. You should go on.