|Reviews for From Bronx to Eldon, Part one: Remembrance|
| One Lucky Unicorn chapter 2 . 3/12/2012
CONS: - This is a run on sentence: “… (although there is that - and the fact that said bigots are getting rather miltrant since the so-called "Friends of Humanity" had joined forces with the reemerged Quarrymen (after a forced change in leadership) to, "Destroy all the monsterous threats to Mankind" (something to which Elisa would reply, "Look in the mirror before you decide just who is the monster here..."))
Maybe you should ditch the parenthesis and write it like this: “… out there - although there is that, plus the fact that said bigots are getting rather milt rant since the so-called "Friends of Humanity" had joined forces with the reemerged Quarrymen (after a forced change in leadership) to, "Destroy all the monstrous threats to Mankind", which Elisa wanted to reply, "Look in the mirror before you decide just who is the monster here..." Or something along those lines. It’s just all the parenthesis look a bit weird.
- There are a few misspellings here and there (“monsterous”, “miltrant”), though it was never bad enough to detract from the story (I’ve seen waaaay worse on out there – your writing is actually legible). There were a handful of missing words, and some were in present tense. I’m guessing you’re ticking to past tense for this story? Do you have Microsoft Word? The spell-checker is always handy for catching errors.
- “'Huh. I'm not sure what kind of plane that is, but one thing is for sure, it belongs to a team. Whether it's a good team should be checked out.'” This sentence seems incomplete or something.
- I notice some words are underlined – what is that supposed to signify?
- I would like to see more into Bronx’s mental state and his thoughts. His suddenly deciding that he isn’t needed seems kind of abrupt. Maybe you could add some more detail to his parts? I’d be interested in seeing what differences in personality Bronx has from Eldon.
- Ross isn’t too bright, thinking he could actually take the Rovers in a fight. D This is probably a holdover from the original version of this story, but it’s bit weird to have Dole refer to himself as a “baddie”, know what I mean? Also, I’m thinking you might need to give some more background on the Puppetmasters (great name for them, btw). Since the stories they’re originally from aren’t canon to the Strikeverse and a lot of people out there probably aren’t very familiar with them, maybe you could explain more about them and when they first arrived on the scene. Or heck, even make this their debut story in the Strike-verse.
- “Hunter soon quickly reverses the tackle and it's the red gargoyle's turn at being pummeled to death.” You could probably leave off the “to death” bit, since it sounds like he’s actually killing Brooklyn (that’d be a pretty dark story XD).
- “However, a force field intercepts the beams and returns them to sender: causing Exile to be frozen up to his neck.” - Where did the forcefield suddenly come from? Is it part of the jeep’s defenses?
- Maybe I’m being too cynical here, but I don’t think most readers would realize that Shag’s “Extradimensional Fur Storage” is actually referring to his fur and not something else entirely. Maybe you could say something like “Shag smiles as he reaches into his Extradimensional Fur Storage, as his power to store things within his fur had been dubbed.”
PROS: Loved the references to other franchises. The FOH and the Quarryman joining forces? Good (but scary) idea! You’re right, the clan shouldn’t be any weirder to New Yorkers then the Fantastic Four or Spiderman.
Everyone’s in character, and your take on the Rovers’ personalities is good as always – they’re in-character, but feel more fleshed out then what they are in the show. I like how competent and tough they are and their use of teamwork. Blitz and Shag especially stole the whole show. You may get some people who complain “Shag’s not meant to talk!”, but I love it.
You already know this, but the fact that Strike-verse Hunter is a more fallible character. Neither he nor Brooklyn were exactly covering themselves with glory, though Hunter did start it - and is still being a big jerk towards the end. I can see Hunter being down about Dole’s escape - realistically he can’t happy all the time. I like how you had him trying to act like he wasn’t that upset about Dole’s escape – I see him as being the sort to hide negative emotions with cheerfulness. Funny that Blitz is being nicer to the gargoyles then he is, and more logical as well: it would benefit the Rovers to have some help. Looking forward to seeing Hunter’s pride knock him right on his butt. XD
The action and exchanges were enjoyable. Like the bit about Brooklyn being a better tracker then Lex due to his big beak, lol.
This is just an observation rather a criticism or anything, but man, Elisa and Goliath sure do like “spending time together”, lol.
Chapter three, chapter three!
| One Lucky Unicorn chapter 1 . 2/12/2012
Awesome, you're reworking this one too! I'm really excited to see what'll happen in this story now with all these changes to the Strike-verse in place. The whole Demona/Garret thing did need addressing/adjusting (because I was thinking the same thing you were, lol), and I like how you've handled it.
I think a bit more detail and description wouldn't go unappreciated, namely the earlier parts involving Eldon prior to his mission. For example, RRMC's forest is mentioned, but it's not really clear whether that's where Garret and Eldon actually first crossed paths that day or not (but I'm guessing it is).
FBTE could use some work, but the start certainly is an attention-grabber. Garret's still a tool, IMHO. D BTW, you got my comments on 'My Dog', 'Color Of Courage', and 'New Dogs', right?