|Reviews for An Alternate Keitaro Urashima|
| Guest chapter 18 . 3/10
is this going to continue?
| edao chapter 18 . 3/10
Well, something did improve. I don't know if it's your writing or my ability to ignore its shortcomings. It felt as if the later parts had a more consistent tense, but I wouldn't bet on it. And I see one part of the scene break misgivings was actually due the software I used rather than your fault (it stripped the bolded text, for whatever reason).
Regardless, all the points in my previous review still stand. I only slightly wonder if you will continue the story or if it will join the heap of abandoned projects fan fiction in general is rife with.
I dislike the portrayal of Naru, or rather the girls as a whole, to be portrayed completely unable to repent and realise or reflect on their behaviour with at most a shred of common sense. It seems to be a tamer form of character bashing, so to speak, but is bashing nonetheless.
However, I see where you're coming from, if one were to draw reasonable conclusions from the girls portrayal both in the manga as well as the anime. Applications of realism in that regard are countermanded by Keitaro's as of yet unexplained sword skills (though one can infer how he earned them from the changed timeline) and yet egregiously including the Ki moves.
| edao chapter 6 . 3/9
the bad first or the good? I'll choose bad, if you don't mind.
There are quite a few areas you have to work on, least of all grammar. The writing has only a reasonable amount of typos, but the style leaves a lot to be desired.
For instance, in dialogue you don't need to have every sentence include a descriptive verb and a subject ("blablabla" he said; Kanako asked "blablabla"), even if multiple people are present. Usually the speaker can be inferred by the meaning of the speech, or the context. For instance, if a person is addressed directly, you need not mention the person in question answering, just write the answer, unless you want to put an emphasis somewhere, like answering forcefully or another person speaking up instead.
Which brings up another point worth mentioning: Addresses. If a speaker addresses another directly, e.g. by name or somesuch, that address is usually accompanied by a comma. You may think 'that's just grammar, the meaning is obvious', but just take chapter 5 in which Hina asks Keitaro something and he answers with "I am Granma". You see where the comma would actually help in distinguishing the meaning? For right now it contextually means the right thing, but literally means he is either named or an actual Granma.
The last (negative) issue I will address for now is a bit harder to pinpoint, but still there. You write dialogically (which apparently isn't a word, according to spellcheck), or rather based off dialogues. So far the text reads as if you have a dialogue or TV script in mind and only add a few descriptions and connective narrative tissue so the whole story doesn't fall apart into its constituting parts.
So much for the bad. The good is the idea of the story and its realisation. A reasonable and sensible opposite to the crazy that is the Hinata Inn is an interesting and satisfying read, and enticingly enough as to outweigh the points in the preceding paragraphs. The characters seem to be appropriately in character, though I think Motoko usually used a wodden sword, though I don't know it Keitaro actually saw the sword whose application he was being threatened with and just assumed she meant a regular metal sword.
Be that as it may, I'll continue reading for now.
A list of persisting issues
- Tense. You switch from present to past back and forth.
- Scene breaks are as if in a script, meaning no introduction and so forth, often only stating the place
- Only the barest of descriptions anywhere
- Missing and superfluous words, like "to", "a/an" and other prepositions, plus personal pronouns such as "I", "he" etc.
- Simply contextually wrong words, probably vestiges of editing
| Guest chapter 11 . 3/8
tvtropes pointed me to this fic and "for his own good". I haven't read "for his own good" yet but I can't wait to read it because of this. though the... wording? grammar? could be a little better.
| Dimensional Wanderer chapter 1 . 3/5
I was brought by tvtropes here, and I must say, this story has really gotten my attention. I've been wanting to find an alternate storyline to Love Hina for a long time, especially one that involves Keitaro being more assertive, and not taking any crap from the girls at the inn, namely Naru and Motoko. The way I see it, Naru and Motoko may be intelligent girls, but they're not really as intelligent as they think they are; it's their pride that is usually their downfall, which is why I have a particular distaste for those two spoiled brats.
Anyways, I hope to enjoy your story in the long run, and I hope that you will continue to work on it until it has a proper ending. Good luck!
| anon chapter 4 . 2/26
I'm really digging this concept. When apply logic to Love Hina, everything starts to fall apart. The dialogue needs a bit of work though, it sound flat and unnatural. I'll give you this much, you've kept all of the dialogue in English which is a step up from most fanfics (never, ever insert words from another language into the dialogue. Consult your Straus and White Elements of Style!). Keep at it!
| Nobody of Twilight chapter 18 . 2/20
I like this story. The drama, the changes, and the development of both Keitaro and Shinobu.
I am curious on how this will continue and hope it will, but I understand that you have other needs first.
I wish you luck and thank you for this story.
| AyameKitsune chapter 18 . 2/12
| Lord Sunder chapter 1 . 1/30
Now, I was interested in the story concept, but your execution leaves a lot to be desired. Your writing style is almost robotic, and relies almost entirely on telling, rather than showing. It makes the story very difficult to read, because the descriptions and little details that make characters come alive are completely missing. It's just... flat. Lifeless. This reads like a shopping list, honestly, with long reams of dialogue to fill the empty space. Thank you for writing this, but it needs revising. Hard.
Also, it's spelt 'unpleasant'.
| GamerJay chapter 18 . 1/26
I haven't read Lova Hina (kinda leafed through a volume one day at the library), but I've read on a lot of things about it. Personally if this is how they act in canon then this have to be the most horrible, violent, dysfunctional, most thick-headed female cast to ever exist in anime and manga. I know it's supposed to be a comedy, but really?!
This fic is awesome. The deconstruction of their behaviour is satisfying and the fact that if Keitaro was a person in the REAL world he wouldn't put up with this brand of bull #$%, especially from his own grandmother.
I hope you consider updating this fic. :)
| Guest chapter 18 . 12/8/2013
Come on when are you going to post the next chapter? The suspence is killing me
| Lord Divestre Croft chapter 18 . 12/4/2013
This entire fic is catharsis to me! I can't wait to see the Hinata girls entirely ruined... except for Shinobu.
| karthik9 chapter 18 . 12/4/2013
It is excellent chapter.I look forward to future updates.
| mxdgray chapter 2 . 11/14/2013
Wow all girls lacking common sense.
| regfurby chapter 18 . 11/12/2013
Nice realistic story. A little backstory into Keitaro's martial arts would be nice too.