|Reviews for Rays Of Hope|
| TheFallenOne77 chapter 6 . 12/22/2017
Wow, it has been awhile since I've last read your story. It's just as good as I remember. Nice job dude, keep up the good work. I really do hope you take this story farther.
| ashxryuko27 chapter 6 . 12/21/2017
The best chapter ever
| Stainless Steel Fox chapter 3 . 12/21/2017
I'm sorry, this story is not great. Stories with OCs have to be handled very carefully to start with. I'm afraid you've fallen into the common trap of making the story all about your OC. I understand you tried to start the story in medias res, but it means you weren't able to give the readers any real investment in your character, or in the conflict.
Twilight Sparkle is doing magic practice, okay fine.
Humans appear and try to kill her. Why? How did they get to Equestria? What are their goals? Why would they mindlessly attack the first thing they see? If they are some sort of scouting force, wouldn't it be more sensible to capture an intelligent native for interrogation? Of course, in the story their purpose is to act as a group of antagonists to give your hero character something to fight. And that's all they are, which detracts from the impact of the actual conflict.
What you could have done is have them use gas or something to capture Twilight and take her back to their beachhead. An interrogation scene, her confused as to why they're doing this, and them trying to find out information about Equestria could have fleshed them out as antagonists, give some depth to their actions, give hints as to their goals and origins, even if they didn't explain directly, but from the questions they ask. Also it would cement their role as antagonists, and make their defeat more satisfying.
The fight that introduces your hero is equally unsatisfying. He appears from nowhere, goes instant fighting machine, but a lot of the action is glossed over. Saying 'he acts like in the Equilibrium movie' is not a good way to describe the action, even if your reader has seen Equilibrium and knows about the concept of Gun-fu. Here's how I would have described it.
Twilight hugged the ground, terrified, as the creatures attacked, The weapons they held were like miniature cannons, but fired so rapidly it sounded like the worlds largest and most evil firecrackers. The way the impacts chewed up whatever they touched made it clear that simple flesh wouldn't survive more than a moment. The shield spell that surrounded her seemed to be able to deflect them, but for how long?
She longed to help out her outnumbered savior, but whatever spell or agent they'd used to capture her had left her too woozy to focus her magic properly, and the battle going on around her was only making it more difficult to concentrate and clear her head. All she could do was watch as the new creature, Rodrigo, a smaller, more furry version of them, fought on alone.
He had smaller weapons, and was hopelessly outnumbered, but didn't seem to notice. He weaved through the lanes of fire at speeds Rainbow Dash would be hard pressed to match, always seeming to move into the places the projectiles weren't. He appeared in front of one of the large creatures, batting his weapons aside with a sweep of an arm, his other coming up to point under the creatures chin in one single, flowing movement and...
Twilight felt her gorge rose as her calculations on the effects of one of these projectiles on living tissue were bloodily confirmed. The top of the creature's head exploded like a thrown pumpkin on Nightmare Night, but her rescuer didn't seem to notice or care, simply dancing out of the way as other enemies weapons bit into the collapsing corpse in a futile effort to hit him.
You describe the action from Twilight's point of view, emphasizing how unfamiliar this is to her, and showing, through her eyes, what the action is rather than just telling us. That's another thing, Twilight's reaction is underwhelming. She's just seen a scene of bloody slaughter, unlike anything she's ever experienced, but she shows no reserve or fear of the creature who did it. There is no internal conflict, no nervousness about approaching the creature that just casually slaughtered 60 other living beings.
Once again this shows protagonist based plot. You are thinking only in terms of your OCs storyline. He shows up and heroically defeats bad guys, gets shot and must immediately be taken to hospital to be healed. Twilight is little more than a vehicle to provide a damsel in a dress to rescue, and then a way to get Rodrigo to hospital. You could replace her with the Crusaders red wagon for all the effect she has on events.
There's also the power creep. Having powerful hand guns? Okay. Having custom katanas? Okay, though no-one in history actually ever used twin katanas, except Speedy Serviche of the Samurai Pizza Cats. A daisho, (katana and wakasashi pair) was an actual style used by samurai, the katana in the primary hand, the wakasashi in the off hand mainly for defense. Having all those, chaos powers and a Gundam to ride around in? OP, verging on Gary Stu.
Using existing properties such as a Desert Eagle or a Gundam is also a lazy way to go about it. Make up your own weapon names, and compare them to existing ones. 'His Rotor customised handguns were heavy chunks of Mobian alloy, designed to fight badniks, and capable of punching a 13 mm bullet half way into an engine block.'
Your formatting also leaves something to be desired, especially in the third chapter. It's formatted into neat blocks, but they contain dialogue and description all mixed in. You have a large number of run on sentences with no punctiatioin, which makes things even harder to decipher. I skipped over half of it and as a result didn't really get more than a vague idea of what was going on.
It's not all bad, you have tried to introduce conflicts, and tell an actual story, but this needs a lot of work.
| ponystoriesandothers chapter 6 . 12/20/2017
This is a pretty unique fic! Rodrigo's an interesting character. Even if Ponyville is in a lot of danger XD Luckily he seems like a pretty good protector. Grammar advice, I recommend using a few more commas and exclamation marks (and question marks for questions) to emphasize what the characters are saying. Other than that nice job!
| meiniv chapter 6 . 12/20/2017
This is was unexpected to me and I like it. Nice plot.
| Riclo chapter 6 . 12/19/2017
I was glancing by your profile when I noticed that you updated this much to my surprise. Really glad to see you're still around after all these years! I've actually been doing the same thing with my story where I'm finally writing the sequel after over four years.
Your reviews were always really appreciated so I thought I'd let you know that too
| Prime Jeremy chapter 5 . 11/30/2016
Dancing is fun
| Spirit Of Fantasy chapter 1 . 4/13/2016
Well. Quite the chaotic turn that made
| Infinity Ash chapter 5 . 10/22/2015
Love your chapter
| wildfur123 chapter 1 . 6/24/2015
I like where this is going, it is very interesting, nice chapter! :3
| Howl of a Werewolf chapter 5 . 6/7/2015
Don't have much to say though.. Sorry
Either way, keep up the great work
| mlp brony fifer chapter 5 . 5/24/2015
ooooooooooooooooooh... i cant wait to see what happens next! please update soon!
| mlp brony fifer chapter 4 . 5/24/2015
loved the part with the jello. also i think a tiny bit excessive on the last part but it sent shivers down my spine so thats a goody!
| mlp brony fifer chapter 3 . 5/24/2015
... the suspense is literatly killing me... (said with sarcasm)
| mlp brony fifer chapter 2 . 5/24/2015
again with the suspense! you are really keeping me on my toes.