|Reviews for The Simplest of Words|
| Xerzo LotCN chapter 1 . 9/25/2012
| The Cowardly Mechanic chapter 1 . 9/19/2012
d'awww you just made my entire night with this! i loved it!
| LittleKing9512 chapter 1 . 8/24/2012
I'm fine with Neku's major OOCness. This was cute and fluffy.
| Black rabbit chapter 1 . 7/9/2012
How romantic :)
| OmegaStarShooter14 chapter 1 . 6/12/2012
Story was cute and fluffy. You made Neku a lil' OOC, but sometimes it happens. Maybe you're annoyed by this, but i'm just trying to give advice. It's like seeing Larxene being nice. We all know Hell would freeze over soon after. -
| LeYenrz chapter 1 . 4/13/2012
I just you fell in love with this couple even tho I've NEVER played TWEWY TT
I swear, you have like a hidden talent for writing romance stories!
| Q-A the Authoress chapter 1 . 2/29/2012
That was cute I hope you can write more like this. :)
Keep on Writin' and Rockin'
| BrDPirateMan chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
Ah, another story to add to the NekuXShiki fandom. This is welcome as this is my favourite pairing, and the story does have its nice moments, but several impediments keep it from being the breezy tale it's supposed to be.
Call me a nitpicker, but this looks like it's set during Day 4, where Shiki forces Neku to go shopping with her in 10-4 and bumps into The Prince, and at this time, Neku doesn't know about Shiki's true appearance. He does here, which is a bit strange to someone who loves his details to be just right, but to fully appreciate the tale, I've had to suspend my disbelief.
That said, however, I cannot ignore that Neku's personality is totally out-of-character. He's not supposed to be all bright and funny and he doesn't laugh so much, even if he's changed for the better (which, again, he's not supposed to yet, seeing as this is only Day 4). He'd be quiet, sullen and have a distant air about him, and even when he cares about Shiki, he'd be very subtle about it. Shiki was portrayed well enough here, right down to her faux personality - fussy, bubbly and very girlish. But Neku's characterisation needs severe tweaking. His portrayal here sets a whole different tone for the story, and it's a jarring change. Sure, in the end it's revealed that he loves Shiki, but that's still no reason to make him unlike his videogame self.
The humour in the story is wacky, which for the most part is good. It was certainly over-the-top, and serves as the tale's strongest point. That's not to say it's all crazy laughs and no feeling, however. There are times when the plot gels, like when Shiki confides in Neku that she's afraid no one will like her when she becomes alive again and reverts to her original appearance. And when Neku tells her how The Prince would like her just for her looks and nothing else, he does so with earnestness, lending a touching tone to the plot. These heartfelt moments come as a pleasant surprise amid all the funny chaos that the reader has been subject to so far.
The visual presentation is haphazard. Firstly, it's difficult to read stories where everything is paragraphed in centred format. Secondly, there are a few places where the two characters' conversation lines are mixed together, as opposed to being separated like they should (you've done that for most of the story, why not at these parts?).
Grammar poses another hurdle to the reader's enjoyment. Sometimes the story is written in past tense, and other times in the present. You have to stick to only one tense. Another problem, which I think a lot of authors (including myself) have at least once in their lives, is that overly long conversation lines are ended with an "I said" or "he said, muttered, etc". The "I said" should be placed in the middle of the conversation. For example, you wrote this:
"You know, I'm glad you tripped me. I just realized that it would suck to have a boyfriend who's famous only because he says 'F everything' in his blog everyday," I murmured.
I feel it could have been rephrased better, like this:
"You know," I murmured, "I'm glad you tripped me. I just realized that it would suck to have a boyfriend who's famous only because he says 'F everything' in his blog everyday."
See how it makes the flow better?
And now for a few closing words. At its very core, this is a very cute and heartwarming story. The interactions between Neku and Shiki are pleasant, if a little forced, and the times when they get lovey-dovey melt the heart. Some fixes to the presentation and grammar would be necessary, however, to make this tale the masterpiece it was meant to be. It's not a terrible story, by all means, but it sure needs a whole lot of work.
Verdict: 2/5 (Average)
O - Heartwarming
X - Poor Characterisation
X - Poor Visual Story Structure