|Reviews for The New Guy|
| Liliam237 chapter 3 . 5/17/2015
Please! please! can I have more of these?
| jo chapter 3 . 2/27/2012
Okay, here are some pieces of constructive criticism for you.
1) It might be a good idea to space your paragraphs. The ways they're formatted not only strains the eyes somewhat, it makes your story looked clumped together.
2) Your chapters are really short. As a reader, it's not worth my time or any other reader's time to read a short paragraph or two and maybe a couple of conversations.
3) You need to work on your transitions. Reading one chapter to the next leaves me with feelings of whiplash and maybe dizziness. From one minute the story is focused on this person, next it's on a another. Another issue is that first all your characters are doing one thing, next thing anybody knows is that they're doing something else and a scene change happens.
4) Unless men started dying out, moved to a different bar/area, or stopped going into bars, the probability of there being fewer guys in a bar is highly unlikely. Especially if you take into consideration, the regulars of that bar, the publicity they got from Violet's success and the pictures taken of her in the bar by that journalist. Also I highly doubt O'Donell would recommend any guy working at a bar like Coyote Ugly.
5) Your character, so far, is a Gary Stu and when your reader identifies your character as one in three extremely short chapters, that's a very bad sign. Anyways, here are the reason I find him to be a Gary Stu:
i. So far, your character is good at everything he does. Is there nothing he can't do? Just what kind of bartender is he? He gets up on the counter and struts around and stuff?
ii. So far, he is liked by everyone but Rachel and she developed some sort of respect for him.
iii. So far, you made him too strong. I would think that a person who is arm wrestling someone who can beat a guy like Lou would have at the very least some struggle to defeat Rachel. Yet in your story, he just sat there and grinned.
iv. So far, he is too perfect. So far you've listed no flaws or anything negative about him and Rachael's complaint does not count.
I'd give more examples and advice but it's 4:30 in the morning, I'm tired, and your story is way too short to give more feedback on. The only reason I'm still online was because I needed something to read before I sleep. Anyways, I'm off. I hope you take my advice cause I think it might help.