|Reviews for The Champion's Beginning|
| Hyperjade chapter 50 . 3/1
This started out as a really good story. I was very excited to find your interpretations of Cynthia, and I was happy that you included characters of your own, OCs that were interesting and had lives.
One thing I noticed about this story was that we were given only as much character development was really needed for the story to end, and it then dropped off. It put more emphasis on Cynthia than it did every other character except maybe Ember and Cynthia's other friends from Celestic Town.
This wasn't necessarily good, but it wasn't horrible. The characters are my favorite part of a story, so it felt like it wasn't as character driven as it was plot driven. Thus, it seemed less interested in explanations for anything.
There wasn't any 'I get it now' moments for why Garchomp started listening to Cynthia, why she acted the way she did throughout the story. It was a good idea to make her imperfect, so that the story was interesting, but you didn't follow through, and I saw a lot of that in this story.
And then came the final chapters. I can't defend you on this one. It shattered the entire premise of the story for me. This was supposed to be a story about the great champion Cynthia and how she grew up to be the powerful woman she was. In the final chapters, while you had led up to it in a way, the focus shifted from Cynthia to some ridiculous square off between legendary pokemon using humans as pawns. Dark against light. By the way, can I tell you how disappointed I was that a story that was meant to be innovative and interesting, about a character that generally isn't open about herself, just keeled over and became yet another light against the darkness story? I got that sickening feeling in my stomach first when I learned that Lea was a dark type trainer. Really? In a story that's gone to such an extent to make everything interesting and not what it seems, you just picked dark type as the bad guy? This all came to a head when you basically announced that Giratina was also the bad guy. You've recognized your cliches, and I really wouldn't care if it was supposed to be a cliche or not. It's not that that is the problem.
The problem is that for all I know, you got to chapter... Forty-four, say, and you thought you didn't have a proper way to end your work about a champion learning to change from a little, sheltered girl into a champion that's worth everything she's worked to achieve. So you decided to toss in some darkness and light symbolism and bash Giratina and call it a day. Because you didn't even wrap it up properly. Cynthia came to the temple, she was defeated, and then won because a legendary pulled her up and some dream sequence stuff I didn't try to understand because at that point I was just irritated, because this was supposed to be and was basically advertised as Cynthia's story, and the final match had basically nothing to do with the things she's grown to be and the strength she's gathered from the people she trusted and her experiences, good and bad. Cynthia powered through Lea's Giratina nonsense because your improvised combined legendary couldn't bother to do it themselves and used her as a conduit, because they did all the work anyways.
And Lea was an interesting villain for a vast majority of the story. Until those same chapters where you turned the story I thought I was reading into a story about some feud between gods that wasn't adequately explained that you dragged Lea into. You made him a cliched dark type trainer as some sort of symbolism, and then changed Lea's entire implied character from a power hungry man who was threatening because he wanted to keep that power no matter what, with human motivations, into a doll for an easily abused legendary to play with. You couldn't give Cynthia and him a battlefield amongst things he's destroyed, with interesting and powerful but usually not evil pokemon, with Cynthia becoming victorious through her strength, intelligence, and experience? It HAD to be about higher powers and dream sequences, with those very things she's always been strong with amplified by Byti? Strength, Intelligence, Experience. Those were the most important values for Cynthia to win, and those numbers that she had practically became meaningless thanks to Byti and 'Giratina'.
That's why I'm disappointed with this story. I absolutely loved it, but then everything it stood for was just left behind for no reason, and had a forced and poor ending that frankly, I have half a mind to accuse you of cutting it short so you could end the story at exactly fifty chapters, which might have caused the pressure that must have brought this about in the first place. And I think what stings the most is that you were SO CLOSE. You were so close to an ending that would have given a massive payoff for everything Cynthia's worked towards. I've never been so hyped for an ending only to be disappointed so badly. What your story stands for is important. The characters are important. but those things were just lost at the end.
I really should stop ranting, otherwise, I'll keep repeating myself. I do hope you learn from this story when you decide how to create other stories.
| Hyperjade chapter 7 . 12/16/2016
This is one step away from a Pokemon/Hunger Games crossover.
Not that that's my only comment. You have done an excellent job of making me hate the big bad Lea, which I like.
In contrast, You confused me with Rowan. He seemed noticeably off to me. And I hope Cynthia does some growing herself; she hadn't been the most likable character when talking with Rowan.
I can SMELL the character development in the future. I can't wait to continue this story.
| skyreamer chapter 19 . 8/21/2016
You know, I've been noticing it for awhile, but Cynthia doesn't seem very emotionally connected to her pokemon. Maybe it's just me, but the way she walked away from the field seemed very...cold. It's like she cares more for the pokemon already served on the platter instead of her own pokemon. And in the beginning, the way she just so quickly gave up on Gible without trying to connect with her is just...
Yeah. Sorry if I seem rude or anything; I'm not trying to tell you how to write your own sorry - plus, it's already completed, isn't it? - but I would've liked it better if you gave her pokemon more screen time and show how she connects with them.
Anyway, nice story you have here. The thrilling, suspenseful plot really has me hooked :)
| Sarah Kay Writer chapter 50 . 7/14/2015
I finished last night, but I was too tired to write a review.
I think this story was just plain excellent. Nothing really bothered me or stood out as horrible in the plot. I would have liked to see a little more of Cynthia's life after becoming champion. Maybe a visit to Oreburgh. I'm not sure if Oreburgh was really even mentioned in the end. I would've liked to see Byron after she kept her promise, and then how Esmeralda feels about everything. She lost her whole family since Ellena is dead, so was it worth it for her? But maybe Cynthia would just never be able to go back there again after everything.
Umm... Hmm... I said a lot in my HALF WAY THROUGH REVIEW! about how much I liked everything, so I don't need to repeat any of that because my opinion didn't change.
But I do have to say... Ember and Volkner equals Gale and Peeta! It's kind of... astounding that you innocently put so much Hunger Games-y stuff in here. Then again, love triangles are nothing new, and it is different because Cynthia didn't end up with either of them (even if she does like Volkner).
Aaaaand, well, I guess that's it. Oh! I knew the presence was Uxie/Mesprit/Azelf the whole time. Obviously. And I knew Giritina would be brought in eventually.
I liked that you kept Bibarel on her team for so long. And when she released him it was sad, but I liked that scene.
Okay, now I'm done. Great story! You'll see me sniffing around your other stuff in the next few days.
| Sarah Kay Writer chapter 25 . 7/12/2015
I was going to review this when I was done, but I've been at it for two days and I'm finally halfway through here, so I'll call this the HALF WAY THROUGH REVIEW.
Ahem. I'm not going to be a big time critic here, because I do not believe I'm rightfully qualified for that role. I'll try and remember the things I've been thinking so far though.
1. Even though you said this isn't based off The Hunger Games, it is ASTOUNDINGLY similar. Not so much in plot as it is in setting. And the fact that the main character doesn't want to lead a rebellion but gets roped into it anyway. I'll say no more, because I'm sure you are SICK TO DEATH of hearing this.
2. I like this story a whole fucking lot. It is beautiful. It is captivating. If there was a pokemon fanfic hall of fame, this would deserve to be in it. By far the best journey or gameverse fic I have read, so thank you, and very good job.
3. At some point Cynthia told someone she was 13 instead of 14. I don't remember what chapter it was in though, so this info is basically useless to you.
4. I am loving the characterization of Cynthia, as well as your OC's. I usually hate OC's, but not yours, because they don't suck like most people's.
5. Love what you did with Gible/Gabite. Excellent.
6. I like the "presence." Normally I roll my eyes at something like that, but you write it well so it is accepted and loved by me.
Well, I can't think of anything else at the moment. If I remember anything critical, I'll drop another review at some point, but otherwise you won't see me again until I finish it.
| RisingPhoenix54 chapter 13 . 5/13/2015
I happened across this story yesterday, and I'm really enjoying it thus far. Your characterization of the young Cynthia is spot on, and I always enjoy fics where major characters are given backstories. I just had one minor complaint about this chapter, and I know I'm nitpicking here, but one word made me laugh. Fantina says, "I am very excité for our battle." First of all, since a female is speaking, any adjectives used in the sentence should be in their feminine form - in this case, "excitée." Also, I don't know if you meant for Fantina to say this a certain way, but "excitée" doesn't usually translate to simply being excited; it often has sexual connotations. If that's what you meant, then by all means, ignore this, but if you're trying to express Fantina's excitement, then "enthousiaste" might be more appropriate.
Other than my inner French major rearing its ugly head, I'm really enjoying this!
| JoHo chapter 14 . 8/12/2014
I found this from your Volkner story, and I must say Im loving it. Here are some criticisms, though, as I feel I should put them out.
1: There are a few game to story inconsistencies(Hearthrome, really?). This isn't too big in my book, as I'm fine with enjoying this more of a story on its own, or just inspired by the games.
2: This was prevelant from Oreburgh to getting out of Jubilife, and again for the dinner a bit. This problem is simply some of this story is way too much like hunger games. First, I realized Oreburgh was like district 12(even mining). Then, I realized the Golden Citites were just the Capitol, especially the people. The interview is just the pre games show, Maxina and the other one were just katniss' makeup team, etc. for christ's sake, Cynthia's last name even begins with "Ever"! Still, this calmed down a lot in chapter 9, which was a chapter I just loved even though it was filler.
3: This is what inspired me to review, and it's not a problem with the actual story. Please, for the love of god, enough with the teasing author's notes. I'm here to read and enjoy the surprises, and it's a little ruined when I see, "Oh, by the way, there's a secret plot twist hidden here, but it's pretty obvious now, you must be stupid, stupid, if you don't know it by now. I gave it away in a sentence lol, bet you saw it and won't go pouring over the previous chapters for an hour until you have a headache and hate me! See you next chapter for more berating!"
4: Another minor thing, Cynthia seems to be akin to ash in type matchups. She's the future champion, why does she decide Psyduck against ghosts and bibarel against fighting? Granted, she's fairly new I suppose, I'm probably just an idiot.
Seeing how much I put into those criticisms, I won't even try to put my praises in here-you wouldn't be able to read it all. Keep up the good work in the Leaders Beginning, these problems don't seem to happen as much in it. Kthxbye
| Ace of Spies chapter 1 . 8/6/2014
...this is awesome! How did I not find this before?
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 50 . 6/9/2014
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 49 . 6/9/2014
Woah. Very very very interesting chapter.
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 48 . 6/9/2014
Why is she telling him all this...?
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 47 . 6/9/2014
Oh no no no
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 46 . 6/9/2014
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 45 . 6/9/2014
Wait, hold up. Could it be that LEA was the Loony guy?
| Ka-tay's mind chapter 44 . 6/9/2014