|Reviews for Stuck in the Moment New|
| Sorrell chapter 12 . 1/15/2013
What are Simon and Barney doing or thinking while this is happening? Do they remember when they see Merry? Do they need their memories wiped again? They have no magic to fight with.
| Rufio chapter 12 . 1/2/2013
More, when you have time, more!
| Practical chapter 12 . 1/2/2013
The revelation in this chapter of Jane's connection to the Greenwitch was pivotal. You've spent a long time building suspense to this event, which was nicely done.
Your writing has improved. You use quotation marks well now around speaking parts. You ended at a suspenseful moment which was good.
Now this chapter does not have a lot of grammatical errors as it was short. What you need to work on here is character development and descriptions. Merry and Jane meeting again is a significant event, yet it felt rushed and overlooked. Jane is getting hit with one shock after another here. Merry is alive, she has Wild Magic of her own, her memories have resurfaced of the battle with the Dark, and now the shadows are threatening to overtake the land again. Don't forget to explore all of these issues as they advance the plot as well as give more insight into the characters. Descriptions of places are missing as well, they don't need to be hugely detailed, but some context would be helpful.
And what does Merry mean the Dark is trying to attack one more time? How? Who? More details are needed here.
Overall, you're improving. Continue.
| I.Y.L chapter 12 . 12/20/2012
Why wasn't Jane more shocked to see her great uncle? As far as she knew he'd died, and now here he is in the living flesh. She only came to Trewissick to try to remember her past, not find long dead adopted relatives.
What supernatural surprises do you have up your sleeve for the readers? What mystical battles? Exciting.
| treasure chapter 12 . 12/19/2012
good story, keep going.
| LesQuintuplee chapter 12 . 12/17/2012
Hi Bri. Well, the first act of your story is done. What a relief that must be!
Now you get to move onto Jane discovering her powers and the fall out with Will and Merry regarding the last battle, as well as the coming battle. Merry says the Dark is attacking again. Who is leading them? The Rider? What supernatural tricks will you use for your story? Time travel, ghosts, frozen time, long lost monsters? So many possibilities!
Some advice, when you wrote, "That's the matter! You do!"- Will said loud. The proper way to write it would have been, "That's the problem! You do!" Will said loudly. You're doing great adding in the quotation marks now, just remember you don't need a dash after a character finishes speaking.
Your writing has improved a lot since you started this story ten months ago, Bri.
| FigureSkater chapter 12 . 12/15/2012
I haven't left you, Bri. All good. The update was short, as you said, but interesting nonetheless. It seems to me that as Jane has absorbed the powers of the Greenwitch she is a Wild Power herself now. So Merry literally couldn't hurt her, as he assures her he won't. The Dark, Light, and Wild Powers can't destroy each other.
And now Jane has magic! Fabulous! She has no idea how to use it, which leaves her vulnerable, as Will was when his powers began manifesting. Maybe that is why Josh is moving in on her. I can't wait to find out if he is an agent of the Dark.
I would've liked to read more about Jane's reaction to Merry's sudden appearance as that has been driving her through much of the story to this point. You should flesh that out more in coming chapters. Her reactions to him and going over the past with him.
Well done, Bri!
| Rufio chapter 11 . 10/23/2012
| LesQuintuplee chapter 11 . 10/20/2012
I liked the chapter, Bri! Jane remembers, Will is in Trewissick, and now Merry has put in an appearance.
When Simon says everyone is so worried "with" her, the proper way to say it was everyone was so worried "about" her.
One thing to remember is to include a bit of description of the surroundings in these chapters. It doesn't have to be detailed, but a bit of description helps to set the atmosphere. Like, "The bitterly cold wind bit into her skin as she ran towards her brothers and Will." Or a winter storm seemed to be blowing in from the harbour. Just some context for the situation.
As it is, Jane should have frostbite and hypothermia because she passed out in a forest in the winter. Josh never said how long it took him to find her laying on the ground.
Otherwise, Bri, this story is going strong. Well done.
| GwenStanton chapter 11 . 10/20/2012
Merry isn't going to like Jane breaking the memory wipe. And why did Josh take off rather than meet with Jane's brothers and Will? Unless Josh knew Will would sense something about him that he needs to keep hidden.
Waiting for more.
| treasure chapter 11 . 10/18/2012
good story, keep going
| Practical chapter 11 . 10/18/2012
These chapters have developed your plot nicely. Jane remembers and now Merry has shown up. Will her brothers remember who he is when they see him, or will Merry and Will make them forget? It seems Jane's temper might be a little more tempestous than either man remembers if she has merged with the Greenwitch now. Though even if she has, Jane is not currently aware of it.
Be careful with your use of commas, sometimes there are too many in sentences. For instance,
I, hurriedly, said goodbye to Joshua. You don't need those two commas in there.
Also, in the books the spelling is Merry, not Marry, for Great Uncle Merry. (Merriman Lyon).
Your writing is improving, and I see you're using quotation marks now around speaking parts. That is excellent.
| FigureSkater chapter 11 . 10/17/2012
Wow, ok, I honestly didn't think Merry was going to be putting in an appearance into your story. Did Will summon him when he realized where Jane had gone, realizing her memory must be returning? Or did Merry sense it himself that his magic was crumbling in Jane? Will he try again to wipe her memory? And what a shock to see him unchanged after all these years?
Well done, Bri!
| I.Y.L chapter 10 . 10/11/2012
If Jane just merged with the unpredictable power of the Greenwitch, how will this change her personality and make her character grow?
| 1953 chapter 10 . 10/10/2012
Evil cliff hanger. Grrr.
Is there some secret or treasure that Jane must uncover in Trewissick? To help the Light? Or to serve Wild Magic, which owes allegiance to no one?
Like your story.