|Reviews for Persona, Abyss|
| Zero chapter 1 . 8/15/2013
Still no chapter 2 yet?No updates?
| Kiyiamayu chapter 1 . 7/22/2012
Okay this sounds really interesting! - I love both of these games so it's amazing to see someone make a crossover with them. ) This has great potential but does have some grammar mistakes scattered throughout. You seem to switch between first and third person POV randomly which can be kind of confusing and detracts from the quality of the story. [ How she got here, she had not the slightest clue. ] That's third person POV. Later on it's [ It's so adorable, I want to pat it, no wait this isn't the point ], which is first person POV. It's possible that you wanted that as her thinking it, but it didn't turn out that way. To make a thought stand out of the actual narration, it's always good to use different font attributes like italics or bold. Or, you could even use little apostrophes. Also, when you wrote 'pat' you might've meant 'pet' To pat means you just want to basically to touch something lightly while to pet, or petting, is to stroke it like you would on a dog or cat. Another thing in that sentence is you might want to split that sentence up into 2 parts. So it would look like this: 'It's so adorable, I want to pet it! No, wait, that isn't the point.' Or something like that.
And, another small mistake is this: [ By right, she was *supposing to land at Aramis Spring. ] It's not supposing. That is definitely incorrect. It would be 'By right, she was SUPPOSED to land at Aramis Spring.' It's close, but different. Supposing is, I don't think, even a word. Supposed is both the correct word and tense. So anyway, most of your mistakes are just messing up the tense or proper grammar. Overall it's not too bad. Just fix up the tenses in both the dialogue and narration. Stories are usually in a past-like tense and so all of the verbs should be too. Another example: [ Mieu retreated to her side, which *frighten the bear. ] It should not be frighten. It should be 'which frightened the bear.' The first part of the sentence is correct but you just forgot the ed to frighten. These exact mistakes occur more than once in the chapter, so it should be easy to improve on.
Sorry, one more thing (just a little bit of nit-picking) remember to keep the characters IN CHARACTER. Right now it seems as if Tear is just a confused civillian. She is a soldier and still keeps her soldier attitude in difficult times as shown multiple times in Tales of the Abyss. Don't make her seem too confused and lost. Sure, she doesn't know where she is but her initial reaction would be to keep a calm facade and gather information.
Okay I am SO sorry for the amount of words I just wrote down in this review. I normally don't do this. At all. Hopefully I help you in some way (I'm not too good at improving peoples' work I think) so good luck! I'm looking forward to the next chapter and onwards. Keep writing and keep improving! )
| 3therflux chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
Seriously interesting, I want to read more! MOAR
Okay, you don't have to, it's just, I wanna read the rest of it!
| 741AuthorNCS-NicolaStarlaLili chapter 1 . 2/29/2012
Okay, this has its potential. But the beginning is way too shot, just hope the chapter can be longer.