|Reviews for The Snake Within|
| highlander348 chapter 16 . 10/1
Where are the lemons?!
| Arcadian1964 chapter 14 . 9/30
One of the most prolific fantasy authors, Piers Anthony (Xanth series) once wrote in an author's note that he received many letters from budding authors who complained that their writing wasn't as polished as his. He told them that neither was his when he first wrote it. He said that he write four or five drafts of his novels before he has a manuscript he is happy to send to his publisher. His publisher, who employs an army of editors and proof readers. Then a copy, called a 'galley proof' is sent back to him to check before it's finally published.
So, if I were you, I would ignore all those who are complaining about your language, because what you have is the imagination to come up with an idea and put it into writing. That is much more important than having your language be perfect.
This is a wonderful story and I look forward to finishing it and reading any others you may have written.
Keep up the good work!
| lou2003us chapter 26 . 8/31
| Guest chapter 26 . 8/15
Welldone...thankyou for posting
| Simianpower chapter 26 . 8/4
Credit where credit is due: both the story and the writing got better as this went on. Even at the end there are quite a few misuses of English, but less so than in the first 10-15 chapters. So, progress!
As for the story, I enjoyed it. It's rare these days to see a story that's not super-Harry, not time-travel or vastly AU, not a bashing story, AND still has Harry being proactive. There was a realistic progression in skill, power, leadership, and planning. I'm not 100% convinced by the (non)treatment of Horcruxes/Hallows, but I always thought that both were rather weak plot elements anyway, basically McGuffins leading to a blatant deus ex machina.
Overall grade: 7 out of 10.
| Simianpower chapter 21 . 8/4
Why the tap-dancing FUCK would Harry and Neville be discussing their super-secret, world-in-the-balance plan involving a critical spy, calling that spy BY NAME, in public, in the middle of a battle, close to Slytherins?! All it would take would be one listening charm from a "sneaky snake" trying to figure out their attack scheme and their entire REAL ambush is blown to hell. Your Harry is an idiot.
| Simianpower chapter 3 . 8/3
I was wrong. The use of articles (a, an, the) and a few other connecting words is extremely distracting in this story. They're used where they shouldn't be, often omitted where they should be, and sometimes the wrong words are used or no words are used where there should be some. It's like this was written by a stereotypical Russian from a bad 80s movie: "Come to table. Eat food. Go bathroom." I find myself having to skim the paragraphs rather than read them because when I read in detail I have to go back every other sentence to mentally fill in missing or wrong words. It's very distracting, and detracting from my enjoyment of the story. This definitely needs a beta with strong English language skills to rise beyond a 6 or 7 out of 10. So far the story is actually pretty decent, but the delivery is getting steadily worse.
| Simianpower chapter 2 . 8/3
There are some really weird language uses in this story. "Challenge Seamus FOR a game of chess." "OK, now spill out." "In THE Wizarding culture." Etc. Some don't fit Rowling's usages, and some aren't even English. Other than that, not a bad start. It could use a beta, but it's not bad enough that it can't do without one.
| OriksGaming chapter 26 . 7/20
I really enjoyed the story. You included a lot of details in the story, and it made it more fun to read. I'm always looking for more Harry and Daphne stories and I'm glad I found this one. Thanks for writing!
| Squarekiddo chapter 10 . 7/9
Before I read the next chapter im just gonna call Bullshit if Bones and The Granger family wasnt prepared for this.
Especially Hermione with a portkey.
| Bella chapter 10 . 7/5
Can't get over the fact you saved Sirius just to kill him off later.
| SassyDoe chapter 26 . 6/15
This is seriously an awesome story! I loved it!
| timothydbanks chapter 26 . 6/10
I really liked the story despite the spelling errors you readily admitted to. But back around chapter 20 you blew me away. A House Elf that nods ecclesiastically? Really! You need to kill your spellcheck program and thesaurus for that one.
| Commisar Admiral Kordoshky chapter 26 . 5/4
This story was amasing and followed its own line. I am very happy to have read it and wish to give you a heartfelt kudos.
| Katzenpfote chapter 26 . 4/24
Great story with really original solutions to some things. I really loved sasha the sos and obliviation as the power he knows not.