|Reviews for So Far Away|
| tranland chapter 3 . 7/14/2012
I'm sorry honey, I couldn't take this chapter seriously because I kept imagining them hitting legit steaks at the Master. Like, prime rib or something. It's almost one in the morning and I'm a grammar nazi at that time. I'm sorry...!
But still, I really wish that you could add to each character's weaknesses a little more. I know you've written more, I just felt like reviewing at this one since I am going to sleep soon and I will finish reading this in the morning.
Err, later in the morning. Yeah.
Also, I feel like the dialogue was a little choppy and could use some work. Erika is a nice name, by the way. I just feel that she is a bit of a Mary-Sue. Other than that, I hope you have a really interesting plot! I'll probably continue reading it for a bit. Good luck!
| Guest chapter 3 . 7/10/2012
how did your oc fight the master in jacksonville...he's been trapped under sunnydale for 50 years. that chicks name is glory. kinda an important character of season 5. a working familiarty with the show helps if you're going to write fanfiction.
and holy crap...skeak is good for eating. not good for staking vamps
| m chapter 11 . 7/8/2012
Ripping off an episode of a television show? You're SO creative! If only you knew how to spell or write dialogue that doesn't suck.
| shadey boo chapter 2 . 5/16/2012
lol this is seriously the buffy version of my immortal.
i pray you are fifteen.
| TheRedPoet chapter 2 . 3/14/2012
I realize as I read the bottom of chapter two that you don't like negative reviews.
I'm sorry to hear that and I encourage you to take in critique even if it's outright flaming.
Trust me when I say that's a great way to learn. I clicked the review button for last chapter a bit too quickly, so I'll put the second part of the review into this one.
Writing action is hard. To be honest, the only thing that's arguably trickier is a good sex scene. Your action scene sort of failed.
Now, I hope you don't take offense by that. Trust me when I say that very few of us did this as well as you are at 16.
Crossbow is a single word it fires bolts, not arrows. Arrows come from bows. If you were a hard core nerd like me, you'd know. :p
Generally, I'd recommend you get a bit of familiarity with weaponry if it is to be used in your story.
The action flowed awkwardly. It's not easy to write action in a way that's exciting. If you want pointers on how to do it, I'd recommend Hotpoint's 'Compelled to play' series.
Now, your OC is a witch. She's pretty and she knows how to fight vampires.
Chapter two: Bonus cool points for the reference to Ff7, but never EVER put an author's note into the story. If you can't describe something properly, be vague.
You don't actually train "in" witch craft.
I think it'd be more appropriate to say you "practise" witchcraft. Or you're dabbling with it.
With a new character, it's important to paint a clear picture quickly.
But you can't have her shy one second, then come dresed in the coolest shit you could possibly imagine.
It's kinda contradictory, see? Also, you really need to work on your OC's flaws. We all have them.
The cooler the character, the bigger the flaws have to be, generally speaking.
How can she not be confident? She's a witch who kills vampires! :p
I wasn't confident back in high school, but that's cause I was a bespeckled git who played Magic: The gathering.
Now, I'll await your reply on this. I could give you my opinion on the next chapters, but I get the feeling I'll be asked to shove off.
Finally. Try to find a friend who's able to be critical and nice at the same time to point out stuff that's silly.
Do you possibly have any friends who like medevial RPG games? Ask them about weaponry cause you're clearly struggling there.
Watch Advent Children again. Watch every move and then try to do something similar where you paint a clear picture of what's going on, of the horror of fighting monsters that will kill the characters horribly if they win.
Aaand if you think I've been harsh and want to channel it somewhere, I welcome you to read my stories and flame to your hearts content. :)
I won't take offense.
Best of luck with your writing, kiddo. Practise makes perfect.
| TheRedPoet chapter 1 . 3/14/2012
I'm afraid your OC's name automatically makes her a Mary Sue.
Even in California, where silly hippy names kinda seem the norm, that still stuck out as weird.
You also had several spelling errors in your SUMMARY, which you probably should fix. It's the first impression you'll be making on your readers after all.
Your sentence structuring is solid. Good job on that. Mostly, I think you should consider your OC very carefully.
I realize I am stereotyping, but it's very common for authors of your age to make their OC's idealized versions on themselves or just outrageously Sue-ish characters.
| m chapter 2 . 3/9/2012
This is garbage. You win a Sonichu medallion for sucking so badly!
| WhySoSerious1992 chapter 1 . 3/6/2012
no offense, but she's got a weird name
| m chapter 1 . 3/5/2012
You are the epitome of suck. I don't think anyone in the world is as bad at writing as you.
| InfinityMinus42 chapter 1 . 3/5/2012
I am first! YAY!
It is good.