|Reviews for Pokémon Legacies: Revival of a Legend|
| CarpeDiemEveryday chapter 1 . 3/8/2012
[But this isn't their story, no matter how large a role they played in it.]
Exactly. You could have said this much more succinctly. Basically, the two lines below this would have covered it. Readers don't assume that the narrator is relevant if it's told in third-person, and the rest is all basic information that everyone knows.
[Max woke to his usually 'at home' routine]
You want usual.
[before she disappeared to finish her morning bathroom adventure.]
You mean bathroom routine. Your word choice is just generally off, and that seems to be because you're trying to use fancy-pants language. Go for clarity rather than what looks pretty, that way you'll be sure of communicating your ideas to your readers.
[Max's PokéGear, his effective cell phone, rang loudly.]
Just call it a PokeGear. It essentially is a cell phone, so saying that is redundant. It would be like you talking about a phone that you carry with you everywhere as "my effective landline".
Really, I'd think he'd be a bit more subtle about his side of the phone conversation. He's clearly done such things before, and his mother might've walked in and started asking questions. If he's trying to protect his family, that should be the last thing he'd want.
And then you jump to her waking up late to get her first pokemon. While I'll grant that you handle the situation in a mildly different fashion, this way of starting the story is incredibly overused.
[her head was transformed underneath the hat.]
This is a particularly egregious example of you overwording things in order to look fancy. Unless you mean that her head is being physically distorted by the hat, "transformed" just isn't the word you want here.
Why does Alex crossdress to get the job? Why does it matter that she's his neighbor? Why is she sneaking around the place? It really doesn't make sense.
At least you give her a reason to pick the hardest to train pokemon, but, see, you're directly following the path of the games. I didn't notice this as much earlier, but it's becoming more apparent now. That's somewhat problematic, since that plot is supposed to take place /after/ the RBY games. It doesn't help that she has a PokeGear - a multifunctional phone/map/radio electronic device - but they haven't invented an electronic database for pokemon. Seems odd.
[She was still young; many had a hard time believing that she had already had two children at her age. Despite being a single mom for over twenty-two years, she carried herself with the dignity and grace of a respectably married housewife and was a fierce protector of her children.]
She's a single mom with two kids, one of whom is dead/missing. There's no indication that she knows where their father is, nor that she married him (you only say she carries herself as if she's respectable). Let's assume she started child-having when she was sixteen. That makes her thirty-eight. You don't go through that much time and that much heartbreak without at least getting some gray hairs, not unless you're a sociopath. Even if you are a sociopath, you still get gray hairs. So this is just her being a hot shounen mom, which is unnecessary.
[only compounded onto her problems.]
Just "compounded her problems" is fine. It's still really unclear why she had to crossdress to get pokemon. If Elm is a huge misogynist, you need to outright state that.
The bonding bit with Cyndaquil is well done, though I don't really see why she didn't recall him when he started running off hither and thither. I also like that you paid attention to how heavy food is.
[here was a massive electrical generator in one corner, which she assumed provided power to the entire house, a precaution to avoid harming the habitats of the wild Pokémon in the area.]
How? I would assume that you're trying to say no power lines not disrupting habitat, but it's going to be prohibitively expensive to fuel, as well as noisy, which I would imagine would bother the local wildlife more than a few things-that-look-like-branchless-trees.
[The man himself was dressed casually in a dress shirt and a pair of slacks,]
So, he wasn't dressed casually. Proofread.
["The Pokémon Professor, creator of the Pokédex? It's an honor to meet you, sir."]
I, wait, what? OH. Oh okay. I see now. I see and yet, still problems. So what I'm getting here is that Alex is eleven and it was her /brother/ who didn't have a pokedex. See, this is why I would actually advocate cutting the italicized opening bit altogether. It only served to confuse me horribly, and so you risk the same for your other readers.
But, see, that removes even that one quirk of difference from this fic. It's just turning into a novelization, albeit with a different motivational framing device.
...except then she has a magical Yu-Gi-Oh!-style ghost to help her when she's clueless. Actually, no, at least Yugi knows what's going on, this is on the level of Hikaru no Go, just with more body-snatching. Hm. Interesting, though you seem to phrase it like it's a one-time deus ex machina.
Why doesn't she reclaim Totodile? I mean, this is where the fact that you're novelizing is really glaringly obvious, because there's no actual reason for her to do this. Also, your last line reads like you only remembered this was T-rated at the very, very last moment.
So, is she still crossdressing? That's unclear. I would go back and edit some things, clarify them, but it's pretty decently written when it's not overdone, and it's got the whole body-snatching intrigue. It's got some potential, at least.
I hope you find this review helpful. Good luck with your writing endeavors!