|Reviews for Easy Amnesia|
| BoxPrince chapter 6 . 9/26/2012
Lol hilbert reminds me of my friends baby brother XD btw can't wait for chapter 7!
| Sweet but Psycho chapter 1 . 4/19/2012
Response to your review request! Tah-dah!
'The sun was oh so shining, and the bird Pokemon were oh so singing ' I'm not entirely sure if that's grammatically correct (I ain't no nazi) but I do know it would sound better as 'the sun was shining oh-so-brightly and the bird pokemon were singing oh-so-sweetly'. I am pretty dang sure you're supposed to have the dashes in there. But oh-so sounds nicer when paired with an adverb or adjective. Nevermind correctness.
The la-di-da thing you have going on works well to create atmosphere, but the short sentence and dull dialogue gets boring after a bit. And it sounds kind of formal and stiff too.
You could also use a bit more description, and some kind of jokes or sarcasm to add character. All I see is a bunch of nice people having a nice chat. Which can be funny in itself, as long as you provide some break or make something exciting happen. Because, to tell the truth, your first chapter doesn't exactly pull me in. It doesn't really set up anything either. I can't see any distinct personalities, except for that little bit where you mentioned Iris was energetic. But that's really not much.
Your grammar was good though, and I can see the atmosphere you're trying to give off here. And it would work well, if you just added a bit more...stuff to it. Because all that really happened in this chapter was a few friends met up in the park, they got some pretzels and one fell down and hit his head. If you work on those things, this could be a pretty funny story.
| Snowsheba chapter 3 . 3/24/2012
I have to say I'm quite impressed with how you describe things and actions. You spend a good amount of time on them, which is good and bad, depending on the situation. So I have some constructive criticism for you.
The bad part is that some of the content is superfluous, to say the least. Like the paragraph where it says "Bianca took Hilbert's key out of her pocket and opened the door. Cilan took Hilbert inside the house. Bianca removed the key from the keyhole, followed them, and closed the door behind her." This is very bland. It would be better to twist it up a bit, such as "Bianca fitted the key in its slot, opening the door with a practiced twist of her wrist. Cilan looped his arm through Hilbert's and led him inside as Bianca pulled the key out, closing the door with a soft thud before trailing after them." Notice how much more interesting that is?
The good part is that your literal way of writing things makes the story very easy to follow and understand. Your descriptions of the rooms use imagery relatively well.
Anyhoo, on to musings. I'm questioning whether this is really amnesia or memory loss, because usually you still retain knowledge of the world. Hilbert, at the moment, is acting like a small child. I think this is more accurately called permanent memory loss, because he forgot practically everything, while amnesia is only... well, anyway, I'm just musing. Keep writing, I do want to know what happens next! ~Snowsheba
| Snowsheba chapter 2 . 3/19/2012
Well done on chapter 2. The dialogue was a lot more natural this time around.
This time, it seemed rushed. Also, I'm slightly confused at the second and third sentences/paragraphs... Iris says something, and then it simply says "she" in the next part. I think you're talking about Bianca, yes?
So Hilbert has completely forgotten most everything, ne? Though he knew his name was a name... but he didn't know what home was... I'm quite curious to see what happens next. Do keep writing! ~Snowsheba
| Snowsheba chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
Hello Nibiru-Mul. Your name sounds familiar, maybe I've read some of your other works?
The story itself seems interesting. It's got a to-be amnesiac in it, since amnesia is a pretty hilarious factor if played right.
But so far it seems pretty... bland. You use a lot of dialogue, almost too much in my opinion. I understand this completely-dialogue is amazing. But you have to remember to make it sound like actual talking. Try speaking the story out loud to yourself. Does it sound like an actual conversation? If it doesn't, you may want to revise it a little bit. Also, consider getting synonyms for "said".
Also, I'm a little confused when Cilan complains about having no time to do what he wants and then Hilbert says "That's wonderful". Is he being sarcastic, or is he saying it's wonderful that Cilan can get free time?
Other than that, I like how you described people-the "shining blue eyes" was a good touch for Frank. Keep writing! ~Snowsheba