Reviews for Mass Effect: Human Revolution
Demosthenes chapter 74 . 13h
This story has been a nonstop adrenaline rush.
The only other time that I've felt like this was while I watched "The Dark Knight," which is my most favorite film of all time.
Keep up the good work!
Yikari chapter 74 . 9/19
I have to wonder what point personal defensive measures of the opposition have to reach before the party starts just using anti-tank grade weaponry.

Thank you for the update!
JukedSolid chapter 21 . 9/11
OZ sounds just like the virtual world from Summer Wars. I assume you got it from that, but you didn't mention in your synopsis afterwards so... Also the FF7 character insert? That...wasn't pleasant.
JukedSolid chapter 20 . 9/11
I still can't get over how you have taken the cast of perhaps the worst animated movie in history and retooled them for your own purposes. Spirits Within? Seriously? Completely mad. If you actually manage to get me to like any of them, you may be the best fanfiction writer of all time.
Really enjoying this story now. Ever since Bioroids were introduced, this story gained some serious carbon nanotube legs to stand on.
JukedSolid chapter 17 . 9/11
I just discovered this story the other day and I've been enjoying it enough to get into it just from the crossover of two of my most beloved games. That said, this chapter just defined the story. Exceptionally creepy! I got chilled when the "statue" was found to be moved. The ambiance of the dark apartment with the snowblind brings up a great mental image and an instinctive feeling of discomfort. You pulled it of very well. Also the character development was top notch. Even better than the previous sixteen chapters. Miranda's superiority complex really shows through. I really enjoyed Garrus calling her out. I can't help but wonder if this is all part of a superb con though. If she can keep a guise of vulnerability covered by a tough exterior in the most of healing up after a devastating attack, Jensen is definitely in for trouble.
Thank you for writing, and have a great day.
-JukedSolid
Wom1 chapter 74 . 9/10
Well i finally finished this monster you have made. Only took me 10 days of frequent reading since september 1 but its finally done. I just want to thank you again for putting so much effort into this and making such an original story and charaters. Till next time. Ps. Finally placed the voice i gave drebin in my head, its markas (?) from the borderlands games.
Guest chapter 4 . 9/5
Hm, what a fascinating story !
Wom1 chapter 32 . 9/4
Just finished ch 32 and . . . Wow. May not be done but i just want to say thank you for writting this and sticking with it. For putting so much of your time and creativity into it.
Ubermorph1000 chapter 74 . 8/30
I can't keep up with this story from the about of characters in this story.
Satire Swift chapter 74 . 8/29
I predict that this will be a by the numbers mission, with absolutely no surprises or monkey wrenches whatsoever. Yep. Totally not going to result in everything exploding like it always does.

Great chapter.
Zuviel Naazie chapter 74 . 8/29
Any chance we'll see Mordin Solus and Thane Krios?
They're literally the coolest characters from ME2 and ME3
Ganheim chapter 15 . 8/28
Chapter 20
Lawson deflected Jensen's left-right punch
[I credit you with trying to write an intense fight scene, but action is shown best through short sentences and as short paragraphs as you can manage – this forces the eye to scroll down through the page faster and subconsciously creates an impression of action. You have LONG sentences and paragraphs, which run counter to the action content within]

Considering Jensen was powerful enough to punch out a brick wall, the knee strike still managed to make Lawson wince and grunt a little
[This is an example of that “long, wordy” that counters your goal of short and punchy. We don’t need to know what he’s capable of (it’s not an exposition scene), we need to see him kicking the barrier-wrapped Lawson then move on]

patrolmen on the Presidium were rookies
[What?! The area with political VIPs has ROOKIES? No, I do not believe]

which bent inwardly under Lawson's weight
[I don’t think he’s that heavy, but it’s also going to bend away from the impact. They’re inside the bathroom, so a throw against the door should bend it OUT]

ripped the closest…pipes to rip
[repetition]

to do a full spin
[I know “roundhouse” kicks are used in tv shows, but all they do in real life is present your kidneys to whoever you’re fighting]

Lawson the the face
[in]

couldn't tell the difference between a toy and the real deal
[If flash replication is that good, I don’t see how he couldn’t make that argument. If you can “flash” a functional monomolecular blade, why not a passable faux-pistol?]

selling self defense when you tried to stab me in the brain when you had me at your mercy
[The fight already started, it wouldn’t take a good lawyer to throw that out. Now that he never tried to get Adam to surrender harder to argue…]

The thought being whispered
[Awkward. We already know it’s a thought. The identification as Pallin is necessary, but some other detail is needed. Maybe describe his sensations as the thought sinks in? I’m not sure of his characterization (speeding heartbeat, angry fists…)]

she had made his opinions about him
[her opinions?]

and everything was covered in shit
[But everyone would know when you’re king]

even as she almost fainted
[Hey, look, she is pulling that desperate damsel routine]

their bodies to ensure that their bodies
[ensure they]

where the it had stopped
[where it stopped]

no one but that Vat-grown monster went in the building
[except perhaps the TENANTS]

thing me and
[think]

Aliens probably never heard a chemical gun blast
[1: capitalization. Aliens should only be capitalized at the start of a sentence or if there’s just one and the word’s acting in substitute of a name. 2: strange sounds still draw attention, and you mentioned silenced weapons, so people shouldn’t be coming out because they’re not hearing anything from the soldiers]

That's and order
[an]

this way: " 're all gonna die here
[They’re wearing death injectors, why is this a surprise?]

towards the wars
[wards?]

and said simply:
[Unnecessary]

started laughing.
"BWA
[Separating description and…the same event. I have no idea why, it’s repetitious either way. Also confuses the agent of action]

"...I have
[Lacks description. Does he jump in? Cross his arms in thought before speaking? Pensively lean to one side?]

Vakarian will be more than adequate
[Shouldn’t Adam be making the argument instead of Hein? Hein wanted his own people]

Chapter 21
scanning Jensen chest
[Jensen’s]

bridge when he came across it
[came to it]

"Yes, I don't
[. I]

that paid the the
[-the]

reply out loud,"
[?”]

through the Dream Walker
[Is this different than Dream Catcher?]

to leave post-it
[leave a]

bolted over a layer gold
[of?]

and the the Fandango
[-the]

sundress hovered her skin
[covered]

There were now fused together
[No idea what this is supposed to mean. They were? There, fused together? Also, why is it so strange for Quarians to see cybernetic grafting? Didn’t they have cognitive-enhancing chips and other “low impact” cyberware like most other races?]

Chapter 22
a plain buttom shirt
[button]

Deep Eyes logo (a frowning eye set in a circle
[How does an eye frown?]

and Hein were arguing
[argued]

Jensen mentally opened up the fake skin plates that covered the ports
[Quick and clear, good description. Probably more complicated than the tech would allow, but that’s up to interpretation]

against the suits own
[suit’s]

Ryan was coming back
[passive]

Asari is a a highly
[-a]

blinked. "What."
[?”]

Also, We feel
[we]

know what i mean
[I]

little man." said
[When transitioning directly into a speech tag, periods are replaced by commas]

two more seconds longer
[more and longer are repetitious]

Tali did not completely disabled
[did not disable or had not completely disabled]

hours off her trip-"
[our, as it’s ALL of them]

could be seen in the distance
[passive. Also unnecessary given that in the next segment you show it approaching. That’s active AND descriptive]

There are reports of some humans becoming completely apathetic
[They just laid down and died?]

Chapter 23
and the growth of its orbiting settlements
[If they can build ORBs, why would they bother building on such a hostile world? The economy might be hampered from having to build habitats, but space should be just as friendly there as anywhere else. Especially if eezo is mined there]

,colonists. and a shantytown
[-a]

planned a burial at sea with a 21 gun salute
[in space?]

was a bit shorter and smaller
[Unless description is important for something soon, it’s best to give just a little and move on. You can always sprinkle it along as the scene progresses, too much and it’s still a Data Dump]

"There's no story
[Who’s speaking? To whom? Where and when? You need to set the scene – if all those questions can’t be answered in the first line, dialog is more likely to confuse than explain]

So we're stuck unless we switch off that ansible. Can we override the failsafes
[This reminds me of railroading in video games, but I think it’s a good way to go about it: the characters are presented with a problem that isn’t necessarily their jurisdiction and their first thought is to avoid it. A less pleasant alternative comes up and they go for it]

slowly floated out
[You tack ‘slowly’ onto a lot of verbs, but none of them really need it]

to declare his attention
[intention?]

MUHUHA
[Does not set the stage. Who? Where? When or two whom? You could throw on “Bill sprayed rifle fire at Bob” or something that short, but give us some grounding]

Bassac's log, date...whatever, it's on the filename
[Ha ha]

"..."
[Undescriptive. In manga/comics this is used because time is not easy to depict. In text narrative you have this magic device called…narrative description. Use that instead, it’s more effective at not only saying what does or doesn’t happen, it can simultaneously develop the character and scene]

Couldn't afford to have them…scratch the paint
[Your Hein reminds me much of FF6’s Kefka. A very unsettling character]

and he let's me
[lets]

one of the book's page
[pages]

to segregate Syneu's alien population
[If Tsoni is such a valuable, high-profile person, why wouldn’t they have her out working directly for them?]

The fight had begun
[We got that from the people charging each other]

Chapter 24
turret dealt with with a
[-with]

set the MRE on the ground, and slid it over to her
[In a sewer]

The
Masques laughed
[accidental line break?]

in the distance mountain bled lava
[a mountain]

ninety-five pounds, she wasn't going to last in a firefight
[Um…firearms were INVENTED to allow lighter and weaker people to fight bigger stronger ones. If she’s inexperienced, okay, that’s a liability he’d want to shield her from. But her doesn’t mean her pistol hits with any fewer joules]

alone." he said
[transitioning to a speech tag replaces the period with a comma]

Although you have some technical and stylistic aspects I disagree with, it's still an interesting story. My only problem is it looks like you're overpowering Jensen. The fewer things he risks not being able to (easily) succeed, the more we're interested in what situations he gets into because success isn't a guarantee.
Ganheim chapter 14 . 8/28
Chapter 14
It was the first time someone complained about her fine perfume
[Head-jumping. She might frown and her eyes drift somewhere and unfocus, but if he’s the POV for the scene, stick with what he can perceive. He doesn’t know if others have complained about her perfume]

USMC fatigues - a blue
[The former is enough, after and you’re jumping into Description Dump]

She had fought off
She had survived
She had survived the
they had failed
[Lots of passive in quick succession. Just dropping the ‘had’s would’ve solved that. Would’ve stayed Telling when you could jump into the conversation, but showing is always stronger than telling]

going to let walk
[let you]

for your boss.
[.”]

If she gives you a working Geth weapon
[Pushing Tali into Alliance R&D? Definitely unexpected. THIS is the kind of thing I read fanfiction for]

and began a background check. He was done in less than a minute
[THIS is good Telling. Informing us of something that moves the plot along without holding us back. I wish more writers could figure out the things to skip over and the things to focus on]

Chapter 15
Thelon's shotgun he's
[, he’s]

LOKIs have a excellent
[an]

into her shields
[destroyed by the EMP he just threw at her?]

as he doubled over in pain
[But I thought all the armor had codplates]

Harkin was sitting
woman that had smashed
[passive]

an assassin.."
[Only 1 period needed]

because man!...he had
[I’m not sure if there’s a sentence missing there, or what. The ellipsis seems to sit where nothing is needed – a full idea comes after, and an exclaimed sentence before (which still isn’t completed by the following text)]

watching you back
[your]

does not condone torture that kind of torture"
[repetition, missing punctuation. Also: what she’s stating isn’t widely against treaties. It’s not recommended for long, but IS effective at making people more…maleable. And doesn’t (on its own) have long-term affects. Both Allied and Axis powers used such techniques to great effect in WW2 (the torture tended to taint information with whatever the torturer wanted to hear)]

another concussion will
[Wait, keeping him awake is against the rules, but police beatings aren’t? Shouldn’t this result in Adam getting chewed out again or referred to an earlier chewing?]

Officer! We need your help
[We have an important duty and there are plenty of other cops, but first: sidequest! This does have the feel of Human Revolution]

his Omni-Tool's lantern
[His suit doesn’t have multiple lamps?]

past 5 meters
[You’d have to have heavy smoke to stop light at that range. More likely the area lit is enough to give an idea but not illuminate peripheral vision]

Chapter 16
it amd confirm
[and]

WHAT I FEEL.""
[pasted punctuation. Also, capitalized letters are best generally reserved for acronyms, long strings of them could be forgetting to turn off caps lock. Short descriptive tags and sparing use of exclamation points can go far]

"I don't know
[Which one said this? I presume Anderson, because you don’t identify in the paragraph. That not only takes away clarity, but also robs you of opportunity to show his emotional state. That could’ve punched up the scene here]

"...I don't know
[If she doesn’t understand the idiom, she must still understand the literal meaning. The misunderstanding could inject some needed humour and indicate she’s wrong but still intelligent and willful. Perhaps ‘I thought we agreed on fair wages’]

Adams had given
[-had]

Impressive, for
[Should be in dialog]

before i forget
[I]

show you how they work
[She wouldn’t know this, given the likelihood a quarian pilgrim would be the only one knowing such important things in many wandering ships]

Five by five
[I should point out this comes from analog radios (referring to signal clarity. Digital tends to be constant, then drop off sharply]

her neuropozyne symptoms
[You mean the paralysis, or something else? Neuropozyne was an immune-suppressant, to prevent ‘nerve scars’]

Tali caught something move move behind Aki
[-move. I like that you indicate an imperfection in Adam’s cloak, though I think you’re ignoring too many potential uses of this that could improve tension (I rarely used cloak because I invested so much in hacking, but its time limit was a severe limitation). Limitations on your protagonist help increase tension because it makes his success less certain]

would be left her beyond
[here?]

and anti-armour weapon
[Actually, it would have problems with materials that have the ability to resist thermal change (ceramics) or transmission (metal), both common components in modern and speculative armours. It could be used, but would not have the same penetration potential as high-velocity projectile weapons]

Chapter 17
They had worked
they had nurtured
and had spread
[passive]

recall the the painful
[-the]

Non-Newtonian fluid held together by a mass effect field
[Likely a fluid-impregnated vest with a ME field dampening kinetic energy, rather than as a force field to hold the whole thing together]

Jensen." said Vakarian
[,”]

if Alenko got the arms or the body
[Nah, this would only happen if the killer was an Elf. Then they’d have to go hunting]

menus, once silver
[one]

and that i can
[I]

inspectors in keeping
[to keep, I think]

Citadel's slow, ponderous spin
[repetition]

"...Alright then:
[The colon doesn’t seem needed, neither is the ellipsis. The problem with an “empty ellipsis” as well as trying to open dialog with one is the same: they provide no description. This is text narrative, where you have the freedom (maybe even need) to use speech tags and out-of-dialog description to clarify how the lines are given. If there’s a pause for thought or grinding of teeth to speak through emotional conflict we need to see that. The empty ellipsis is a tradition in comic books because they already SHOW most of those details but can’t clearly indicate TIME, which the ellipsis indicates a passage of]

She was as good as dead
[Telling. I sense she’s got plot armour anyway (right now) and if she ISN’T dead your narrative loses credibility by Telling us things like this]

felt his leg wrap
[Head? I can’t figure out how a leg would wrap around her head without it being very easy for her to get out]

I think she's dead
[He should check. His partner’s okay, and if he’s concerned about sentient life he should move on to the next one in potential danger]

She tried to get up
[Even if she’s an android, shouldn’t her control cables have been cut by the glass and impact?]

indistinguishable imitation of a living creature
[But your Nielsen wasn’t all organic, she had cybernetics. That makes her a cyborg. You can’t bargain with them. You can’t reason with them]

particle is acrystalline
[a ]

Chapter 18
a sort of "training ground
[Charter city sounds like what you’re talking about]

NSA had their techs went over
[go over]

and its a pretty
[it’s]

Chapter 19
to keep quiet about this threat
[As they are trained observers and first line responders, I’d think that, while sworn to secrecy, they’d want to inform most (at least with any decision-making capacity) and add protocols for scanning under the guise of medical screening]

Fallen
dead leaves
[accidental paragraph break?]

earth beneath his feet stayed cruel
[Dirt is dirt, it needs to do something here. It grips his feet? Breaks under his steps? Does he run with the distance not decreasing?]

off." responded Jensen
[,”]

Broker really want?"
[wants]

over." he tucked
[He]

a roar held back behind his teeth
[So…he roared? Or he didn’t? The phrasing is confusing]

who had been gossiping
[Neither human would know what they were talking about, just that there were voices as the wall crumbled. Walls shattering tend to end conversations]

RELIGION: EARTH: PARAMILITARY
[Paramilitaries are kind of their own category, they’re not a religion. They’re just often a force used by people in religions (especially those unconfident in the ideology)]
SomeGuyOverHere chapter 74 . 8/28
Oh yes, shit is going to go down next chapter. I was wondering when Jules would show up again, and here he is.

It's also good to see Adam again. It's been like, 20 updates since we "saw" him in person. I'm curious to know who the other two people in the coffins are. My guess is the woman is Brea.

Bit too much time explaining the plans for me. Would have preferred a little more time spent on Caim and 108 taking out the Vampires.

Looking forward to the next chapter!
BJ Hanssen chapter 74 . 8/26
Man, this is getting complicated :P
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