|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 153 . 4h
I like the introductory paragraphs. They sort of felt like some of that audio commentary for deleted scenes that we see on some DVD's.
I really think the hammerspace would have been loads of fun. Depending on how it was used, it could have made for a lot of interesting moments, both comical and decidedly less so.
"...finer points of apple eating..." Snicker! I also like "Apple Incident" as an inside not-so-joke.
Rapunzel's tantrum...oh, dear. That felt tense.
Rapunzel's MOTHER was blushing after that. Snicker.
Good points on needing food as building blocks, though. I like how you use that and the reading material as the trigger for finding a problem.
On being ravenous because of needing to "stock up." I don't thing it works that way. On the other hand, Rapunzel probably would know that.
"...I look like a doe in heat, all the time." Sporfle! I think you should have kept that line.
Boy, that sounds like quite the situation. Kind of like having a Deltan female as a member of the crew, ja?
A squirrel uses Aurora's hammerspace as storage? Wow!
That hammerspace scene is just as funny as it was the first time you shared it! Although it could also be really disturbing-as in, what if a person going in there turns into something sexual? Cringe!
Ja, I need to do more with the hammerspace element in my own stories. It's just too much fun!
Because princesses don't sweat! Har, har, har! One of my grade school teachers insisted that "Horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies glow." She was adamant about it!
The rope scene was cute, too.
I seem to recall telling you at one point that titles like king, princess, etc. should always be capitalized. However, while reading through a book on the Norman Conquest, I noticed something. Whenever the title immediately preceded a name, King Harold, Earl Morcar, etc., the title was always capitalized. When mentioning the earl of Mercia or the duke of Normandy, it never was. It was also capitalized in Henry, King of the Franks, or Duncan King of Scots.
Okay, so...phew! It took a lot longer to read this story than it really should have. Blame it on the distrac...SQUIRREL! Ahem. Anyway, a few overall thoughts:
You have a knack for wringing the emotion out of just about anything.
In several places, subsequent chapters should have been joined together, particularly when one chapter was a continuation of the same scene, and sometimes the same conversation.
You had a persistent problem with run-on sentences and comma-fu.
There were probably others, but they're not coming to mind right now. But they were some recurring things I'd noticed from the first half-dozen chapters. I suppose they'll come up in messaging threads.
| Unther chapter 152 . 12h
Ah, so the Lock Guard aren't quite as secret as I'd kind of inferred.
You overdid it with the commas.
Kings and queens, plural? Oh, wait...I re-read that and they're out-of-kingdom.
So why is the one maid crying and what is it they need to tell the royals? There seems to be a logic jump here.
Hurling up a 5-year-old breakfast? Okay, I think I know what you're doing with this metaphor, but there's something off about it.
Hobgoblins? I thought they were all goons.
I'm sensing that you wanted to put in subsection markers, but ff net kaboshed the symbols you were using.
Would Margaret have been able to see anything if she HAD looked back?
Not allowed to be sorry. I REALLY like that.
You have a couple of sentences in the last two paragraphs that need capitalization.
| Unther chapter 151 . 15h
Why are the stacks of paper relevant?
Should be, "...that she instantly knew..."
Should probably be, "...same color that her own magic hair had been." Otherwise, it's potentially confusing which 'her' you mean in which part of the sentence.
So far, I like this version. The looking at each other through the mirror glass. Aurora's even outwardly apathy. It just feels ever so slightly tense.
Should be "...an old woman found..."
Flower power! Heh...that just gave me an idea for a modern AU that takes place in the '60's. Zoiks!
I like what you do with Rapunzel's diction as she tells her own story.
"...all of summer wrapping into a little ball." Great metaphor!
In one paragraph, Rapunzel says they didn't betray Aurora. But a couple later, she says they did. It's a bit confusing.
Didn't Rapunzel mention the glowy, healing hair earlier?
The bit about Rapunzel's name made me chuckle.
I REALLY like this version of their meeting! And you say it's an earlier version? It needs to go in there. It's well-composed and nicely fills in some of the gaps I remember noticing from that part of the larger story.
| Unther chapter 150 . 16h
Heh. Being the subject of your own ballad has to be surreal, especially when other people add to your tale. Never mind that it started as a fictional character taken on as an alter-ego.
Dragon fire. Oh, now, that sounds...ehem...interesting.
Ja, I guess Eugene wasn't a virgin before meeting Rapunzel. I wrote him like that because I'm a romantic that way. But realistically, given his background, nope, highly unlikely.
It had made a lot of father happy. Sporffle!
Should be "...had led us into..."
That's almost TMI. "She can scream really loud." "With Hook-Hand banging the piano, who'd know?" LOL!
Eugene had blacked out? Really?
"Shall we chase them down?" Snicker.
This chapter made me smile. Funny, cute, all of that.
Most of your Author's Note on this one was relevant.
| Unther chapter 149 . 8/14
Oh, THAT snake. It took me until the second paragraph to realise where you were going with that. Methinks that's normal for the rest of us, too.
Probably should be "Mom, Mama, and Z..." using the Oxford comma. I'd also forgotten about that particular nickname.
Oh, so you have Rapunzel give Aurora "The Talk?" Wow.
To be fair, even having sex in the buff was rarely done in Period and mainly because of concerns about contracting illness from being cold. So, ja, doing it more or less fully clothed was a historical reality.
Geez, no wonder she has anxiety over her birthday suit!
I totally get the social overload thing!
"We're going to have our own..." should be part of the previous paragraph.
I love it that Aurora's barefooted at her wedding!
Raised ALL of them. Snicker!
That's an interesting insinuation of what transpired on Eugene and Rapunzel's wedding night. Mine was a bit different, what with my Rapunzel always grabbing life by the lips and yanking.
Makes me think a little about the sorts of things I might want to includein Anna's and Elsa's respective wedding nights.
| Unther chapter 148 . 8/6
Wow, there's some wonderful imagery in this chapter. It's especially effective with the first-person active voice.
Is she still barefooted?
Archdeacon? Shouldn't it be Archbishop?
Aw, another adorable chapter.
| Unther chapter 147 . 8/6
It might not be strictly necessary to refer to Rapunzel as "the Princess Rapunzel" so often in the same several paragraphs. It feels awfully formal.
The children? Which children?
The detail of Aurora dressing herself-that's still one of those leftovers from her upbringing, right?
Entranced? Oh, right...he's telling them a story.
I love how you tie Eugene's closing monologue from "Tangled" into this scene.
"...the start of a new adventure." Aw, that was absolutely adorable. I can see how the story could close here.
| Unther chapter 146 . 8/5
After our little diversion to Corona, I'm having a little trouble remembering why Philip is stunned as he is in the opening of this chapter.
Wait...Eugene is addressing Leah as "Mom?" When did that happen?
It should probably be "...putting off the wedding..." since the wedding is the social event that initiates the marriage.
My impression was that Philip was first, preoccupied fighting goons, and second, more standing back and watching Aurora do her stuff with her mother and Rapunzel.
"He told me, about..." I'd omit this comma.
"Your welcome..." Should be "...you're..."
An apple? I'm forgetting something.
"...after the wedding." What wedding? I thought Eugene and Rapunzel were still only engaged at this point.
"...the most terrifyingly loving person..." I love it!
"...He thought he'd better warn Philip." Har, har, har! And that whole paragraph was just great, too!
Wait...we're all back at Stefan's place? That was...abrupt.
"The scars were impressive." Ja, I bet they were!
The Great Wine Flood! Chuckle. Clearly, you're treating "Tangled Ever After" as canonical in your story.
"...the forty-second time." Was that intentional? You know...42!
Rapunzels's comment about shoes and everything else being a lost cause. Snicker!
And the fairies arguing over colors!
There are backups for the dress and the cake! Oh, that's priceless.
Oh, so there are RULES to Capture the Unicorn!
"...go home the same color..." Har, har!
Are both Rapunzel AND Aurora barefooted in this scene?
Love Eugene's storytelling. And, of course, his favorite story.
In your Author's Note: That's an excellent question. I always figured it was because either he did actually die in the tower, or because the act of shedding the Flynn persona in effect killed Flynn.
Why was it obvious that he was at a wedding while telling that story?
I love how you share your thought process here.
| Unther chapter 145 . 7/23
Should be "...she slid into..."
Beer for Eugene, goat milk for Rapunzel. Huh.
Is Shorty perpetually drunk?
Should probably be "...had proven to be..."
Oh, dear. That's a rough one. And so Shorty crawled into the bottle. As an aside, is there a particular reason Shorty hadn't tried to drag them out of the flames?
"I am about as happy as I can stand here." Huh?
Well...ja, it's kinda dark. Why were you scared of this chapter, though?
| Unther chapter 144 . 7/23
Should be "Their bodies..."
Is Rapunzel talking about being good because she wants to bring honor to her siblings' memories, or because of the common misconception that being good will get you into heaven?
"...laid kisses on each name." That's so sweet.
Odd that she misses her deceased siblings like she misses Aurora, seeing as how she never had a relationship with them.
Not the right shape for hugging. Snicker.
The doll exchange was cute.
| Unther chapter 143 . 7/7
Keeper of the crypts...wow, that's a cheery occupation.
If you meant the past tense of 'lead,' it should be 'led.'
I had to read the first couple of paragraphs a couple of times before I realized that the niches are holding the bodies, not the people.
That's so sad!
That's an interesting note on handling the dead. Many American Indian people believe the dead should be left for coyotes and such.
That's a pretty awkward moment for Aurora, for sure.
Didn't she grow up sleeping in an empty bed?
| Unther chapter 142 . 7/7
Mom should probably be capitalized here, since it's being used as a name.
That's an interesting tradition. How did you arrive at the multicolored thing?
Uh-oh. Isn't James dead?
"...hopefully he'd be home soon, as she pulled..." Um...is this meant to be part of an internal monologue? If so, it would be a good idea to specify that.
When writing one's thoughts, italics is usually the standard. The quotation marks are superfluous, since they denote speaking.
Rapunzel's declaration to Sandra felt a bit too abrupt. Isn't there usually some sort of lead-in to this sort of thing?
About the bodies being interred...how long has it been since they died? A week at this point? Longer?
Poor Sandra! Sniff!
Why is Gabriel relevant to Sandra?
Wow, that was quite the response.
Rapunzel wishes for nightmares? Dang.
Eugene doesn't trust Taygon? Or doesn't trust Forrester? And why?
| Unther chapter 141 . 6/21
That first sentence is kind of clumsy. It really ought to be split up and reworded a bit.
Also, I take this chapter and the one before are kind of unwinding chapters. But I'm not clear why, in the context of the overall narrative, we went to the cottage in the last chapter, nor why we've suddenly jumped back to the castle in this one.
Oh, that's an adorable image, Aurora and Rapunzel with paint splattered all over themselves.
Eugene missed the ocean? I thought he was a landlubber.
A boar hunt. Wow, those never end badly.
Talking more than hunting...kind of like guys on a fishing boat, eh?
A FEW boars? Even one of those things would be quite enough.
As in, Eugene would have been badly gored if not for his armor?
Should be "...girls had sent..." You used the possessive.
Adventure Room? And they hadn't just had enough adventure for a while?
Oh, wait...so it's more like the Bayeux Tapestry, but as a mural. Neat!
Interesting how Aurora recognizes that Maleficent was trying to use her to enact her vengeance.
Fire-sister...I like that!
| Unther chapter 140 . 6/21
I can imagine the cake having spoiled and/or been eaten by rodents.
I don't recall Philip having fought goons in the cottage. And shouldn't there be even more things broken?
Fauna offers them stale, rotten, fermented, bug-and-rat-eaten cake? Ick!
Rapunzel's experience with that has to do with suddenly not having to compensate for all that hair, right?
Why would Pascal squeak a warning unless he sensed or smelled something?
They're going to get sour stomachs.
| Unther chapter 139 . 6/17
How do they know the Princess saved them? When last they knew, she'd vanished and the army was marching off to battle. How would they know the magic unleashed had anything to do with her?
Heh. I like how Aurora and Rapunzel communicate in animal speech.
That little girl is cute.
And what of Maleficent? What happened to her?
Not quite as beautiful? That's an effect of the magic? Same with the apparent loss of coordination? But those gifts weren't from Maleficent. Anyhow, what with those gifts gone, is she going to have to re-learn some things?