|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 127 . 10/29
How does she know it's the same tower? I thought she was more or less comatose at that time.
Those first two lines are a bit confusing. It's as though you didn't quite know just how to open the chapter. I do note the use of her different names and I recall that it's significant.
It's as though her mind is being torn asunder.
Far away... I LOVE that description!
That green light feel ominous.
| Unther chapter 126 . 10/29
Whoa...do NOT get in Leah's way! The way she declares her intentions to the Princes...phew!
My recollection of the geography must be pretty sketchy. I thought Philip and Maleficent had fought pretty close to Forbidden Mt. Yet the way you write it, the battle site was a long way from there.
This is one chapter that I think could have been part of the previous chapter.
"I'm good," Leah said fiercely. After picturing her there with her dress torn up like that, I just had one thought: "Let it go! Let it go!..."
Philip's yeah-but...good points. And...uh...there's that goon army out there still. I hope someone's planning a diversion or something, because otherwise I'm seeing shades of "Two Towers."
| Unther chapter 125 . 10/12
"...to Corona for the siege..." I know what you mean, but it kind of sounds like there's going to be a siege in Corona. I'm a little confused: wasn't Stefan just charging goons a moment ago? The fairies can put up defensive magic? Cool.
It reads like Aurora is asking Rapunzel what a siege is, but then Stefan answers.
Got some more knights...mail order?
Uh...what was so much fun?
Aurora's innocence about her mom's statement about inviting her husband to bed early is cute.
The evasion is even funnier.
She just HAD to touch it! Didn't see that coming, though!
| Unther chapter 124 . 10/12
The chapter title immediately made me think of "The 300."
I wanted to see more of the events of that first sentence, and then I remembered that we just saw that a couple of chapters ago. So, then, I guess, why the recap?
How did they not notice the rise?
Ocean of goons...oops! Reminds me of a particular scene late in the very last episode of Buffy.
Nice, heroic last line, but a lousy strategy. Still, "This...is...SPARTAAAAAAA!"
| Antha1 chapter 50 . 10/9
If you ever get your movie made, I suggest 'Mad World' for the opening credits song.
| Antha1 chapter 8 . 10/8
You're committed to Aurora's happily ever after? It sounds like Aurora needs to be committed. She sounds nuttier than a fruitcake. The help she needs is not readily available.
| Unther chapter 123 . 9/20
I'm always fond of deafening silence.
Somehow, their entry reminded me of "Tangled Ever After."
Third paragraph, you shift to present tense. And then, "...are sat..." Um...
Grim and glaring? That can't be good. I mean, I know they're under pressure because of the war with the goons, but still.
Uh-oh...vegan "meat!" It's like Disney does Portlandia!
Just what DID Rapunzel play in the Tower? Was it what Gothel taught her, or did she just make up her own material?
You make it sound like they're sucking up to the fairies, rather than simply making a lavish gesture of good will.
Boy, Rapunzel's thoughts are all over the place.
"...Leah had had brought up..." Delete one 'had.'
Rapunzel and Aurora are using their animal-speak?
Trying it on Eugene...snicker...
| Unther chapter 122 . 9/5
I like the implied contrast between what Leah asks and how Aurora thinks about it. As a royal, Aurora should have Options-like, a walk-in closet full (at least in today's terms). Yet to her thinking, she can count them on one hand. Does she really even have a concept of this?
I kind of like her reply, although it feels a bit, I don't know, too diplomatic?
Leah's response feels kind of patronizing.
Probably should be reworded, "...and applying makeup."
Nice notes on Rapunzel's and Rebecca's eyes. They seem to be the sort of eyes in which one could lose one's self. Like Ingarian eyes. Anyway, is the point that he's kind of trying to make their eyes look kind of grotesque? No, wait...he's trying to make everyone else look less plain and Aurora more plain...right?
Why red for Rapunzel? Is there something to that, or did it just seem the thing to write at the time?
And all this fuss to keep people from staring at Aurora. Sigh. She gets over it eventually, I hope. Or at least learns to use it to her advantage.
Nice outward expression of concentration. Is that tongue thing something you drew from someone you know?
The result kind of reminds me of a couple of the pieces of fan-art of Elsa without makeup.
And the magic also influences how people perceive her, right?
| Unther chapter 121 . 8/14
Is the case leather? Wood? Metal?
Are people used to running at the K&Q's call? Or is that a recent development?
There should be no comma between "Bartameous" and "blinked."
That's an interesting effect, though, and reminds me of the one that Deltan females have on humans. That one's a pheromone thing, but still.
Should be, "...the guests' attention..." Because we're talking about more than one guest.
Wouldn't people be staring at Aurora anyway, if for no other reason than that she's the newly-returned Princess and many people simply haven't seen her before?
Oh, and should I infer that all of these attendees are already inside the castle?
How are Aurora and Rapunzel going to respond to make-up? They both grew up without it and I'd imagine they'd severely dislike having that stuff all over their faces. I don't recall off-hand what was used in the Middle Ages, but it's not what's used today.
Interesting bit of backstory for Bartameous. Might there be a way to include that somewhere in the text?
| Unther chapter 120 . 8/14
A hundred people is NOT a very large affair? Ha! That's a really interesting illustration of perception.
There should be a comma after, "...healed the Princesses." Otherwise, it reads that the feelings had also been healed.
A ripe berry...nice metaphor, and one that completely feels like something from Aurora's world.
I'm a little confused about the make-up. Isn't it always used to accentuate facial feature, rather than the opposite? I think we both know that theatrical make-up is employed for any number of purposes, but that's very much a modern approach.
The women's approach to make-up is something that I as a guy find hard to grasp. I think you've done a good job with it, though.
Nice balance between tension and whimsy in this one. Heck, I'd be intimidated by that kind of a gathering! I mean, there were that many people at my wedding, but I was focused on making sure I didn't mess up my part of the ceremony.
| Unther chapter 119 . 7/31
The "they" are the goons, right? And the people are singing to keep up their morale, right? Otherwise, I'd have thought it best to keep them all quiet, because that's kind of a bit of a signal flare.
Panicking people in a stampede. No, that would not be good at all.
Why aren't the remaining crossbow bolts already gathered? I'd have expected the available ammunition to already be at-hand for the crossbowmen, especially since they know they're being pursued and are bracing for another fight. I like their tactics, though: remove the enemy missile capacity.
Armor doesn't necessarily shed arrows the way a lot of us think. Plate armor isn't like wearing a tank, nor does it work like today's flak and kevlar. It's pretty effective at deflecting glancing shots, but a direct hit, even at range, will still penetrate. Sure, much of an arrow's horizontal energy is spent at range, but that's balanced by the increase in gravity-driven force.
Why are Hubert's chariots approaching from the goons' rear? It's all nicely dramatic, but kind of convenient. Nice pincer movement, though.
Spinning scythes...are those attached to the chariots' wheels? I seem to recall that being a tactic actually employed.
Like the contrast between Hubert's cleanliness and Phillip's and Eugene's general grubbiness.
And he has an interesting idea of fun...but I like it!
This is another chapter that could stand some embellishment.
Good Author's Note. I appreciate that you just want to tell the story. Still, more description would have been cool and would have made the story more interesting.
| Unther chapter 118 . 7/31
Leah's anger toward the fairies...ja, that's a tough one. We the outside observer know that the psychological damage to Aurora was an unintended and apparently unforeseen consequence. But how aware are the characters? And if they are, how does the head convince the heart? That's a real-life issue, to be sure.
So...we know Aurora is rather upset with the fairies...and Leah is, too, right? I think this question arises from just who "she" is in the penultimate sentence of the second paragraph.
Aurora's thoughts merge from mental pain to physical pain. I think I understand why she's comparing the two, although the transition in the narrative feels kind of abrupt.
The image of the kings standing there with folded arms...that's a frightening one!
Oo...Aurora's reaction to the fairies' words...so tangible! I might have expected a similar conversation, at least one in which the fairies explain all that to the King and Queen, to have happened somewhat earlier in the story. But this probably falls under the umbrella of variations in how one writer or another envisions the aftermath of SB.
"You murdered me." Ouch! Now, THAT'S a statement!
The idea of Maleficent feeding on pain and fear...hmmm.
When Aurora grabs Rapunzel, I can almost hear Rapunzel emitting an "Oof!"
"...the bones from my limbs." Whew! You're not holding back with this at all!
Leah's realization...ouch. Now, I realize that the tellers of the old tales didn't necessarily pay attention to logic holes. That said, did no one think to hold a meeting about that plan way back when someone had the bright idea to just send Aurora into the Witness Protection Program?
"Why did she...Rose?" There shouldn't be parentheses here, since it's not something she's actually saying.
Fast healing hurts that badly? Guess I'm not the only one with that idea.
I noted the theme that when you open yourself up to loving someone, you also open yourself up to the potential to being hurt by them. Which is one reason it's so hard for most of us to really open up-it makes us vulnerable.
Interesting Author's Note.
| Unther chapter 117 . 7/19
As in, the knights had to fight their way to their own homes to retrieve their armor, then fight their way back out again? Why didn't they already have their armor? Weren't they wearing it ceremonially earlier in "SB?" And why are Corona's soldiers in charge of the wall defences? I'd have thought they'd be overseen by Stefan's Master-at-Arms.
At first, it almost looked like the Throne Room was being set up as barracks space. That's an interesting idea, putting refugees there. That paragraph does more telling than showing.
Should be, "...far more than they could carry." They're even putting records aboard ship? Sounds like they're expecting the castle to be overrun, a little like Helm's Deep (Although Theoden expected the fortress to withstand the assault without problems.).
How many "other" ships are there? Wouldn't a goon attack on the ships be largely ineffective anyway? There's fire, but we don't have any examples of them using that, do we?
"...not the way they had planned." No kidding! That's one of the more interesting aspects of the whole story, both the original and yours.
"The Queen was so grateful for the safe return of her daughter..." Cool. (This would NOT be the case in "The Girl With No Eyes." The vampire Aurora story could still accommodate that, since her turning occurs after her homecoming.)
So you're illustrating that the three fairies don't know the true extent and magnitude of the goon problem, right?
They're not allowed to fight? Why not?
Wow, Aurora was really hurt by all that! I keep thinking that her reaction was somewhat disproportionate, though.
That's an interesting perception from Leonard's point of view.
Should be, "...from what you did..."
| Unther chapter 116 . 7/5
Good commentary in that opening paragraph. Clearly, such books are written by people who both aren't fairies, and haven't had much contact with actual fairies. I guess it would be like a Muggle writing something about the Wizarding World, right?
More than a little scary? That's a bit of an understatement! :-)
Oddly, I don't recall that many tales in which a princess ends up in such a bad state.
Oh, so Aurora has had a few close calls already, eh? How old is she at this point? Five or so? No, wait...can't be older than two. So if she's only old enough to barely talk, why are the fairies reading her stories if she can't really understand them? Or is this the sort of question someone asks if they haven't had any experience raising small children?
"She can't call us that...Leah is her mother..." Well, ja. But won't Aurora grow up regarding one or more of the fairies as her mother, even if she calls them her aunts? It's kinda hard to rewire those sorts of psychological mechanisms.
Not making up fairy tales? Why the heck not?
I like that: any tales they tell are fairy tales by default.
Heh. They're telling her her own story. Cool.
| Unther chapter 115 . 7/5
Great opening imagery.
The second sentence of the second paragraph is a fragment.
Okay, so the ships have brought Coronan reinforcements. And the caskets are to be loaded as a sort of cargo swap. Got it. It reads that way, sure, but it's a bit...jerky, I think. Maybe a function of gaps in the narrative?
Sergeant William...etc. I'm a hair confused. Aren't these ships? What are these boats of which you speak? Engineering supplies? I'm forgetting something again, aren't I? And why had hundreds of men already been ready? I kind thought this whole goon situation was a bit of a surprise.
Okay, you explain some of that in the next two paragraphs. Seems legit. But I only recall one message exchange. Also, how long does it take to travel by water between the two capitals? My impression was that it was far longer, at least round trip, than you've suggested. I mean, it's still only been, what, three days since the events of SB?
No comma after "Sergeant Willam..."
Nice use of nautical terms! Do we get to see anyone crosshaul the mizzenbrace? :-)
Was Cpt. Forrester banging his head deliberately?
The tide turning unexpectedly like that...does that happen in real life?
Somehow, the idea of goons besieging a castle that size is more amusing than anything.
They think the goons are smart enough to rebuild that causeway? From what we see in SB, and from what we've been discussing, I'd be surprised if they'd add two and two and get four. If you combined all their intelligence, and multiplied it by a thousand, they might have enough intelligence to tie their shoes, if they didn't drool all over themselves first.
Should be, "...get your men to..."
Why would the fairies need that much lead time?