|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 90 . 4/10
Okay, we have some good recap on the campaign situation. The humans are smarter than the goons, so I'd expect them to be able to gain the upper hand at some point, right?
Yup, castles were used that way in Period. How big is the river? That could have a direct bearing on how easily it could be crossed and in how many places.
Wait, the STEW doesn't smell all that bad? That doesn't speak well for the camp cook!
Should I surmise that there are plenty of crossbows in the armory to arm the peasants? Because those require minimal training to use properly. Same with pikes.
"...out the door before...chairs." LOL! Nice phrasing!
"...big things happen around them." More nice phrasing! Pretty deep, too.
I LOVE Eugene's description of how Rapunzel reads! That's just awesome! Dang, I wish I had retention like that!
And the way Rapunzel examines a simple leaf...whoa. I love how you've written the way Eugene talks about all of that. And Rapunzel hurting her tutors? And the pea-growing expert. Ha! I love that Rapunzel is a knowledge sponge...I kind of write her that way, too, though not as extreme.
Wow, Phillip really doesn't know that much about Aurora and I'd imagine he'd be a bit terrified by that! (Although I've written other characters knowing even less about each other when they marry. And, of course, that's happened many, many times throughout history.)
I also like how you write Eugene as the voice of experience when it comes to how both he and Phillip approach their respective women.
Your AN about one line twice: you mean the one about "How can watching someone read a book be terrifying?" Was that deliberate?
| Unther chapter 89 . 4/10
That was cute. I particularly liked the last line. Your first Author's Note gave me a bit of a giggle, too.
This chapter contained most of your "fus." The previous two were pretty good about that, though.
Does the red-haired maid have a name? She must, right?
I like how things seem to be looking up for the Princesses.
| Unther chapter 88 . 4/10
Whew, both those young women have self-perception issues! Although, isn't it like that with actual young women? Yet it's interesting how Aurora feels like she's artificial and Rapunzel feels like she has a different body. And of course, all those years of Gothel's down-talk continue to leave their mark on Rapunzel.
The phrasing in that first paragraph was a bit awkward and it didn't flow well.
Okay, so we're, what, two days after the Big Run? And Aurora is STILL that helpless? The way you're writing it, she has to be picked up by someone else and is totally unable to move on her own. Isn't that a bit extreme? Also, a maid, not the Queen of Corona, would be the one changing the bedclothes.
| Unther chapter 87 . 4/10
That conversation between the kings kind of feels like something out of Lord of the Rings.
It just occurred to me: who's overseeing things back in Corona?
The queens sure had their own issues. You really don't hold back with the dark bits of back-story, do you? I guess it makes the characters more relatable.
That goon queen still gives me the creeps.
I remember you mentioning the "accidental" drowning thing. Here, when you put the comment about the c-section in the same line, it feels a hair out of place.
| Unther chapter 86 . 4/10
Wow, that was heavy!
You paint a rather intense picture of Phillip's predicament. It was more of a nudge, but it was all I needed to go to that dark place in his memory. Nice nod to one of the grittier Sleeping Beauty stories. Cringe! 122-year old broken down old man...I don't recall it being like that in the movie, so is that a reference to Grimm?
"What was It like?" Nice segway and probably the way people would ask him about that.
Eugene's description of his death seemed to balance between the original and the cliched. Although I guess there's likely a reason that the "bright light at the end of the tunnel" thing is a cliche, regardless of what it means. But his lingering emotional conflict says a lot about his character development.
Phillip's line, "You forgave your killer?" made me think of Elsa and Anna.
You start the chapter in the present tense, but soon shift to the past tense.
You also bounce back and forth between POV, but it was somehow less disorienting than it's been in previous chapters. This is one of those settings in which sticking to a single POV can be very powerful.
"...with what Aurora was giving me." I don't recall just what Phillip means by that, but I has hoping he'd mention it later in the dialog. He didn't. So I'm confused and other dialogue didn't help alleviate that.
"I would trust her with you...with myself." I had to read this line a few times before settling on what I think you mean. The way it read at first, it seemed like Phillip meant giving Eugene or himself as gifts to Aurora, or at least placing one or the other of them in her care. But that usually uses the word 'entrust.' I finally decided that he means that he trusts her to be in Eugene's care rather than his own. In which case, it should probably be worded, "...trust you with her..."
"Keep your pants on." That sounds like Eugene thinks Phillip is getting all antsy about something, which he wasn't. Later in that line when Flynn-and I had to remind myself that the way you're writing it, the Flynn Rider alter-ego is kind of like the Gollem-Smeagol thing-is "trying to make light of" that expression usually means "trying to make sense of."
"When Maleficent was done with me...killing her or myself..." The way this reads, 'her' refers to Maleficent. But it actually refers to Aurora.
| Unther chapter 85 . 3/6
Ja, she's not used to dealing with pain. She hasn't learned how to endure it, since she's always had the magic hair.
Someone should have had her chew on some willow bark.
Only three days? Whoa...there's been a lot of tension over those days!
So...if she was fine before, why does her injury suddenly cause her such problems?
Aurora's feet are shredded, too...but why not as badly?
It sounds like Rapunzel's entire body is in pain, yet I only recall mention of the feet having been injured.
That was tough, kind of painful even to read.
| Unther chapter 84 . 3/6
I'm right there with Philip. When my wife and I were planning our wedding...well, it was really more that she and her mother planned it, they asked my opinion about things, but mostly I just smiled and nodded and made sure that I did what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do it.
Trying out a different bedroom each night! Snicker!
Greystoke sounds like it's based on Versailles.
Should be, "...if she is so far away?" It's a question.
Should be, "...half a day's walk..."
That's interesting reasoning for Eugene to wait.
"...proudest moment is having a queen crying hysterically on my chest." Whoa.
Love Eugene's busy-ness! I guess most writers have some list of things that occupy his days. Same with Rapunzel, come to think of that.
So what were the things he wanted to change about the orphanage building? I recall the chapter in which he was in charge of that, but not those specific details.
Did anyone in the orphanage ever get frostbite?
What pitcher of water?
Like the aside about the armor. It's also interesting commentary on how Philip and Eugene are such different sorts of Princes.
How does Corona mange to be so flush?
Surrounded by enormous piles of money! Ah, but he DOES live in style on an isle!
| Unther chapter 83 . 3/6
Somehow, whenever I hear or read the word "poppet," I think of the early scenes in POTC when one of the pirates calls Elizabeth "Poppet."
Lily's kind of Aurora's Wilson, it seems.
If the cottage is still there? She expects it to have been razed?
All the commas in the second paragraph would usually have been too many, but they function as pauses, which works in the dialogue and I can hear her halting speech pattern here.
Are you SURE their eyes are violet? Because that's not exactly a human eye color.
Ah, so she still has no idea what a wand is, then?
Wait...Rapunzel has a doll? Or HAD a doll? And Gothel put the doll into stir-fry? I'm missing something, aren't I?
Should be, "...mamas exchanged..." No apostrophe. So God just let the devil kill a kitten.
| Unther chapter 82 . 3/6
How adorable! Reminded me of The Long Winter from...Little House on the Prairie, I think it was. There's a lot of potential in this sort of situation. There are so many fiddly crafts Aurora probably learned each winter and some of those could probably come in handy later in her life.
So...the magic that hits her in the abdomen...what sort of effect does it have? And the fact that the wand responds to her means she has magical ability, right? I doubt it would be as simple as a loaded gun.
| Unther chapter 81 . 2/28
This is really deep, powerful stuff. I can tell you're still pouring out and working out what you've personally experienced with regard to forgiving someone who'd hurt you deeply. I think what most people don't realize about forgiveness is that it's a process and that the moment we say, "I forgive you," is either when we realize we've reached the point where we really have forgiven them, or that we're expressing our intent to work through the pain and get over it. There's still anger and hurt and we still have to deal with that, but holding onto it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
"...have a good and wonderful daughter here with me..." Aww. Warm fuzzies!
Should be, "Whom I love so much."
When Rapunzel and Aurora join hands under the covers, that seems to suggest they're sharing the same bed. But I'd been under the impression that they were in separate beds. Is there some detail I overlooked? Or were you the writer and me the reader making different assumptions?
This chapter helps remind me of things that I'll have to bring up in "Unleashed" after Rapunzel retrieves Gothel from Niflheim and brings her before her now-Dromaeosaurid parents.
I still think Aurora overreacted in that scene in the movie in which the fairies make their not-so-little exposition after which she flees to her room and collapses onto her bed in tears. I have to remind myself that she's a teenager in the throes of all those mid-pubescent hormones, even though she seems to be mostly an adult by that point (By which I mean that I've known some girls who are fully women by age sixteen and others who are still girls until closer to twenty). I wonder if her reaction would have been different had she not met Philip by that point. I also wonder if it really would have been the end of the world if the fairies had told Aurora about all this at a young age. I know this is supposed to be the ultimate Witness Protection Program and I don't recall anything in Grimm that says so one way or the other, but it just seems that keeping all that from her did far more harm than good in the long term.
Your POV jumps around again.
| Unther chapter 80 . 1/10
I love how we have an image of something like the Uruk-hai marching on Helm's Deep. Though with 10K of them, wouldn't they be a lot more than just a dark patch near a rock? Even if we envision a rock the size of El Capitan, that many goons would pretty much fill up a large portion of Yosemite Valley, far more than just a dark patch.
When Eugene says, "10,000, what," the comma indicates a pause. But the adjacent dialogue indicates otherwise, like he doesn't initially understand just what it is that's being counted. To make that more clear, delete the comma there. Also, when writing dialogue, one generally writes out "ten thousand."
I love Eugene's plan. It's one they should try to employ more often.
There seems to be a bit of a logic flaw in the chapter, though. Toward the latter half, it sounds like Eugene's trap had been arranged well in advance, yet the tone, especially earlier, suggests that a bit knot of goons had split off unexpectedly and the Allies needed to come up with a plan off the tops of their heads.
In "...weren't totally stupid, they had learned..." I think there should be a new sentence break at the second comma. Also, it's not terribly clear who "they" are.
Should be "...just led your men..."
I snickered over Eugene's musing on the Ballad of Flynn Rider. Suddenly, the Ballad of Jayne popped into my head.
Instead of putting an Author's Note about how Eugene came up with the plan, have him lay it out for Philip in the chapter. It would be more fun, as well as cleaning up the flow and the logic.
| Unther chapter 79 . 1/9
That's a cute opener.
Although the use of the word "meal" so close together makes it feel overly repetitive.
I'm a little confused at one point in Rapunzel's narrative. She says that Gothel "made that terrible face, then healed me, then freaked out." Uh...Gothel healed her?
Also, driving a knife through her arm didn't hurt? I don't know if that's a logic flaw, or just kind of Twisted Princess creepy.
I think I've just recognized what it is that seems off about how you write Rapunzel's dialogue. It sounds juvenile, like she's ten.
Should be, "...more like twins than sisters now."
Wow, those girls are having some serious self-worth issues, aren't they? "Why can't I be a good girl?" They both say that and variations of it a LOT over the course of the whole story.
| Unther chapter 78 . 12/26/2014
Well, sure, when he puts it that way, the whole thing does look highly improbable!
This Powers-That-Be element is very fascinating and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.
I chuckled over Eugene's statement about his anticipated quiet life and Philip's response to it.
Your Author's Note was humorous!
| Unther chapter 77 . 12/26/2014
Should be, "...to do more than try..."
The couple of times Leah asks herself, "What's buzzing?" there should be a question mark, rather than an exclamation point.
This chapter had me scratching my head just a little. From the first time yo mentioned the buzzing several chapters ago, I understood what you meant. Yet Leah doesn't understand what Aurora means by it and it seems it takes her too long to figure that out.
Otherwise, I like the illustration of how Aurora has no context for all the whispering people do over her. Although I wonder, did the fairies never do that?
| Unther chapter 76 . 11/9/2014
Interesting bit of lore she's using to predict coming weather. It reminds me of a joke about a young man who becomes Chief of his tribe long before he feels he's ready. So he calls NOAA to see what the weather will be like, then slightly overprepares. At the end of the joke, the guy at NOAA says, "Man, I don't know WHAT kind of winter we're gonna have, but the Indians are stockpiling wood like CRAZY!"
In the paragraph beginning with M. worrying, I'm not sure what you mean. "...how humans do thing." sounds like she's talking about techniques, performing tasks without the use of magic. But the rest of the paragraph kind of implies an overall way of life. It's a little slippery, I guess.
Almost lost her...as in, she almost died? Do we get to see some of that in a later flashback?
How does fairy work differ from regular work in this context?
What, don't fairies have mammaries?
So it sounds like it's not so much that using any magic alerts Maleficent to their presence, so much as the excessive use of it and the fairies don't really trust each other not to be carried away.
Was it the concept for the cottage or its location that had frightened M?
...a deep breath through the nose. Smells like the color brown?
The chapter seems to end abruptly.
I was just thinking, as I began to read this, what if Merryweather is Lewis' many-greats grandmother? He'd have fairy blood. How might the Lewis & Clark Expedition have gone differently had Lewis been able to wield magic?