|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 102 . 16h
Forest name...that's an interesting idea.
Ja, the whole thing about names is a big deal in both SB and T.
I do like the idea of trying to braid the names together.
Holy son-of-a-motherless-goat, that's a long name! What's the background behind Rapunzel's names?
| Unther chapter 101 . 18h
For some reason, I read, "...the Mermaid" in the chapter title. Go fiture.
I suppose simply calling her "the red-haired maid" is less twitchy than I'd mentioned before if we're using one of the Royals' POV. That's because they probably wouldn't know the names of most of their lower-level staff. Not if we're in historical context, anyway.
Their feet throb after having been sitting for a while...is that because of blood flow? Although I find that sitting tends to restrict blood flow in my legs, and has the effect of at least making my feet cold.
"Hi?" That sounds intrusively modern to me.
I love the birds in this scene. It's cute. Real-world note: hummingbirds tend to be very territorial, at least the males do, in some species more than others; are there hummingbirds in Europe?
Good note about the practice of lying in state.
Although I'm unsure how often bodies were actually returned over distance. Certainly for nobility. But moving a body like that was rarely done. Even as late as WWII, bodies were seldom shipped home.
Why did the Princesses have to go inside to discuss that? It would have made sense if it were sensitive information.
| Unther chapter 100 . 5/15
Flora and Fauna gasp...is that for dramatic effect, or because they recognize that Merryweather is telling Aurora's own story to her?
Ja, that does seem like an odd story. But I guess it's the sort one might expect from the three of them telling it in committee.
Besides the obvious connection to SB, is this based on anything else in particular? Because it has development potential.
| Unther chapter 99 . 5/15
The first couple of sentences feel a little like a screenplay. That second one is a fragment, though.
I see a lot more potential for description here. Sure, I can use my imagination to fill in the gaps, but it feels like it could use some more flavoring, I think.
Philip's first line reminds me of the scene in Two Towers when the order is first given that Edoras will empty and that the people should take only what they can carry.
When did the tradition of shaking hands arise?
| Unther chapter 98 . 5/15
Something feels a little off about how Aurora is asking her questions. It's as though she's still a five-year-old, instead of a mid-adolescent woman. Obviously there are some very large gaps in her education and I get that. But the way it's written feels off.
Lawyers selling fruit and such...snicker! Sort of has a lion-and-lamb post-Armageddon feel to it.
All of this reminds me of some of my recent musings on the nature and effect of sin entering the world. I wonder if the main change had more to do with our perceptions, not unlike the shards of mirror in "The Snow Queen."
| Unther chapter 97 . 5/15
That bit about Maleficent not really needed a reason I think hits home for a lot of us. Over the centuries, we've collectively written volumes trying to figure out why bad things happen. And, well, sometimes that's just it: they just happen. We want there to be a reason, some point to our subsequent suffering. We want to be able to point at something that makes it worth it. We want our pain to have a point and to mean something. We all no doubt have something that's happened either to us or to someone we know, usually both, that illustrates the whole thing in agonizing detail. Beyond the usual trite replies, at the end of the day, we just have no real idea.
That's also a good point about consequences. How often have you heard someone say, "But I'm not hurting anyone else," when, in fact, they are?
While this chapter is, like the last several, basically a continuation of the same scene and even the same conversation, having it as its own chapter works because of how it focuses on its theme.
| Unther chapter 96 . 5/15
Is it just me, or does that first line sound like something out of a talk show?
There's that word 'gotten' again. I know there's a place for it, and I acknowledge that, but it just feels kind of grating here.
Maleficent talked about the gifts? I kinda thought the only thing she ever did was gloat in her Evil Speech of Evil.
Is anyone, even the audience, really sure WHY the fairies bestowed those gifts?
Do you need to use Leah's title? I mean, the reader already knows she's Queen, right?
I'm not sure why you've chopped Leah's dialogue into so many paragraphs, especially since so many of them go together. Also, you should leave those quotes open until she's finished speaking. Otherwise, it indicates that she's having a conversation with another character.
A "normal" kingdom? The idea of Maleficent taking over gave me flashes of Sauron sending his dark legions across Middle Earth.
Wasn't here entire life already about producing an heir? That's kind of how it was in Period-witness the whole thing with Henry-VIII and his wives. I know you-and the reader-want these characters to be "progressive," and I realize it's tough to balance the 21-century perspective with the 14-century mentality, but still. And how much on-screen evidence do we have that Leah does anything objectively useful beyond producing an heir? But, ja, even today succession is a big deal and our modern probate laws are still essentially Law of Primogenitur.
I think the mention of Rebecca placing a hand on Leah's shoulder should be on a separate line, since a different character is doing it than the one speaking the preceding dialogue.
Oh, so both Rebecca AND Leah had considered basically offing themselves so that their husbands could marry more fertile women? Ouch.
When you wish upon a star... Dang it, now you got that song in my head!
"...made sure to do our part..." Snicker! "...throwing up...it was wonderful..." Sure, I get it, but the juxtaposition feels really weird.
She was in labor for TWO DAYS? Cringe!
"They invited..." Who's 'they?'
"They were wrong..." About Maleficent being dangerous? I'm missing something. And why wouldn't it have mattered either way? Because Maleficent would have found an excuse to unleash her mayhem anyway?
A storeroom full of gifts...I sense a theme.
"You'll have to look at..." I think you should identify Rapunzel as the speaker before the opening quotes of this line. Also, maybe Rapunzel's suggestion might fit better in a future scene in which they're all actually looking at the gifts in question.
Should be, "...asked if she was upset..."
"Giving you to the fairies...precious memory to me." Sniff! That's both adorable and sad.
This chapter is pretty much all exposition, but it works. And it doesn't feel repetitive, either.
| Unther chapter 95 . 5/12
Boy, Rebecca's having some issues too, eh? But that's another thing I appreciate about your thinking vs. many other writers: you suppose Rapunzel was not her birth name.
That was quite the conundrum: pre-mature death vs. pre-mature caeserian section. Bummer.
The medical staff were really that horrified? Also, in Period, didn't they generally wait until after the mother's death before performing the C-section?
Love her description of the flower's taste.
Should be "...harder than ever."
Brothers and sisters in the cemetery...thirteen of them...ouch!
"...so many families..." I'm a bit confused. Is it common knowledge in Corona that Rebecca had multiple still births and miscarriages? Or is it that such things are common problem among the populace that the Royal family has wanted to solve?
Should be "...down your body..." And there should be a sentence break between "you" and "it."
The worst night of her life...ja, I bet!
Are we still in agreement that Rapunzel was maybe a year old when she was taken?
| Unther chapter 94 . 5/12
Rapunzel reached out... Nicely-written line! I could just about hear Rapunzel sighing nostalgically as she said it.
I almost expected Aurora to utter some sort of exclamation at the seventy feet of hair!
"...nicest rustling sound...be awake." Love it!
A little scared about her hair? Boy, talk about your insecurities!
The cape thing... That sounds cool!
...tears in her eyes... Sniff!
| Unther chapter 93 . 5/12
"He would die someday, far in my past..." Whoa. That's very heavy!
Rapunzel's description of Gothel's death is rather horrific, more so than what we see in the movie. At least, it feels that way. Oh, what could be done with CGI in a live-action version!
"I was dying inside." Another weighty statement! And the rest of it...sniff!
Oops...you used an apostrophe to make a plural...poor kitten!
This is a case, in my opinion, in which this chapter and the previous two could be combined into one.
| Unther chapter 92 . 5/12
I like the play on words with the chapter title.
There should be a comma after "Rapunzel," because she's being addressed.
The way it reads, "I'm afraid we're..." it could sound like an apology, or an admission.
Should be "...so many people to meet..." Nice description of her aches and pains.
Maybe it's just me, but Rapunzel's diction still feels juvenile. Oh, and you're mixing your tenses again.
The rest of Rapunzel's dialogue is much better, though, and had a more mature feel. And I think because of that, her words carry more gravity.
Your Author's Note is superfluous.
| Unther chapter 91 . 5/11
I'm kind of surprised this hadn't come up already. Although I guess they've kind of had their hands full with military matters.
You say, "...she..." in the first line and, "...they..." in the second. I know what you mean, but the two pronouns should agree, since you're ostensibly still referring to Rapunzel. Maybe add something like, "Neither of them would."
Why is there a hyphen between 'story' and 'short?'
Love the call-back to the opening monologue of "Tangled." Eugene really does love that story, doesn't he?
Heh. Whenever I read a character saying, "indeed," I always hear Teal'c.
Eugene thinking Rapunzel is "some weird kind of witch." I suppose that stands to reason, though I don't recall anything in the movie to bely that.
He thought Gothel was going to kill Rapunzel? That doesn't make any sense.
Rapunzel's soul shrivelling up while her body remained young...cringe!
"...not the same as she was...like I cut off her arm..." That's pretty heavy stuff.
"...pale brown sludge they called stew..." Snicker. Military food...heh.
| Unther chapter 90 . 4/10
Okay, we have some good recap on the campaign situation. The humans are smarter than the goons, so I'd expect them to be able to gain the upper hand at some point, right?
Yup, castles were used that way in Period. How big is the river? That could have a direct bearing on how easily it could be crossed and in how many places.
Wait, the STEW doesn't smell all that bad? That doesn't speak well for the camp cook!
Should I surmise that there are plenty of crossbows in the armory to arm the peasants? Because those require minimal training to use properly. Same with pikes.
"...out the door before...chairs." LOL! Nice phrasing!
"...big things happen around them." More nice phrasing! Pretty deep, too.
I LOVE Eugene's description of how Rapunzel reads! That's just awesome! Dang, I wish I had retention like that!
And the way Rapunzel examines a simple leaf...whoa. I love how you've written the way Eugene talks about all of that. And Rapunzel hurting her tutors? And the pea-growing expert. Ha! I love that Rapunzel is a knowledge sponge...I kind of write her that way, too, though not as extreme.
Wow, Phillip really doesn't know that much about Aurora and I'd imagine he'd be a bit terrified by that! (Although I've written other characters knowing even less about each other when they marry. And, of course, that's happened many, many times throughout history.)
I also like how you write Eugene as the voice of experience when it comes to how both he and Phillip approach their respective women.
Your AN about one line twice: you mean the one about "How can watching someone read a book be terrifying?" Was that deliberate?
| Unther chapter 89 . 4/10
That was cute. I particularly liked the last line. Your first Author's Note gave me a bit of a giggle, too.
This chapter contained most of your "fus." The previous two were pretty good about that, though.
Does the red-haired maid have a name? She must, right?
I like how things seem to be looking up for the Princesses.
| Unther chapter 88 . 4/10
Whew, both those young women have self-perception issues! Although, isn't it like that with actual young women? Yet it's interesting how Aurora feels like she's artificial and Rapunzel feels like she has a different body. And of course, all those years of Gothel's down-talk continue to leave their mark on Rapunzel.
The phrasing in that first paragraph was a bit awkward and it didn't flow well.
Okay, so we're, what, two days after the Big Run? And Aurora is STILL that helpless? The way you're writing it, she has to be picked up by someone else and is totally unable to move on her own. Isn't that a bit extreme? Also, a maid, not the Queen of Corona, would be the one changing the bedclothes.