|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 85 . 3/6
Ja, she's not used to dealing with pain. She hasn't learned how to endure it, since she's always had the magic hair.
Someone should have had her chew on some willow bark.
Only three days? Whoa...there's been a lot of tension over those days!
So...if she was fine before, why does her injury suddenly cause her such problems?
Aurora's feet are shredded, too...but why not as badly?
It sounds like Rapunzel's entire body is in pain, yet I only recall mention of the feet having been injured.
That was tough, kind of painful even to read.
| Unther chapter 84 . 3/6
I'm right there with Philip. When my wife and I were planning our wedding...well, it was really more that she and her mother planned it, they asked my opinion about things, but mostly I just smiled and nodded and made sure that I did what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do it.
Trying out a different bedroom each night! Snicker!
Greystoke sounds like it's based on Versailles.
Should be, "...if she is so far away?" It's a question.
Should be, "...half a day's walk..."
That's interesting reasoning for Eugene to wait.
"...proudest moment is having a queen crying hysterically on my chest." Whoa.
Love Eugene's busy-ness! I guess most writers have some list of things that occupy his days. Same with Rapunzel, come to think of that.
So what were the things he wanted to change about the orphanage building? I recall the chapter in which he was in charge of that, but not those specific details.
Did anyone in the orphanage ever get frostbite?
What pitcher of water?
Like the aside about the armor. It's also interesting commentary on how Philip and Eugene are such different sorts of Princes.
How does Corona mange to be so flush?
Surrounded by enormous piles of money! Ah, but he DOES live in style on an isle!
| Unther chapter 83 . 3/6
Somehow, whenever I hear or read the word "poppet," I think of the early scenes in POTC when one of the pirates calls Elizabeth "Poppet."
Lily's kind of Aurora's Wilson, it seems.
If the cottage is still there? She expects it to have been razed?
All the commas in the second paragraph would usually have been too many, but they function as pauses, which works in the dialogue and I can hear her halting speech pattern here.
Are you SURE their eyes are violet? Because that's not exactly a human eye color.
Ah, so she still has no idea what a wand is, then?
Wait...Rapunzel has a doll? Or HAD a doll? And Gothel put the doll into stir-fry? I'm missing something, aren't I?
Should be, "...mamas exchanged..." No apostrophe. So God just let the devil kill a kitten.
| Unther chapter 82 . 3/6
How adorable! Reminded me of The Long Winter from...Little House on the Prairie, I think it was. There's a lot of potential in this sort of situation. There are so many fiddly crafts Aurora probably learned each winter and some of those could probably come in handy later in her life.
So...the magic that hits her in the abdomen...what sort of effect does it have? And the fact that the wand responds to her means she has magical ability, right? I doubt it would be as simple as a loaded gun.
| Unther chapter 81 . 2/28
This is really deep, powerful stuff. I can tell you're still pouring out and working out what you've personally experienced with regard to forgiving someone who'd hurt you deeply. I think what most people don't realize about forgiveness is that it's a process and that the moment we say, "I forgive you," is either when we realize we've reached the point where we really have forgiven them, or that we're expressing our intent to work through the pain and get over it. There's still anger and hurt and we still have to deal with that, but holding onto it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
"...have a good and wonderful daughter here with me..." Aww. Warm fuzzies!
Should be, "Whom I love so much."
When Rapunzel and Aurora join hands under the covers, that seems to suggest they're sharing the same bed. But I'd been under the impression that they were in separate beds. Is there some detail I overlooked? Or were you the writer and me the reader making different assumptions?
This chapter helps remind me of things that I'll have to bring up in "Unleashed" after Rapunzel retrieves Gothel from Niflheim and brings her before her now-Dromaeosaurid parents.
I still think Aurora overreacted in that scene in the movie in which the fairies make their not-so-little exposition after which she flees to her room and collapses onto her bed in tears. I have to remind myself that she's a teenager in the throes of all those mid-pubescent hormones, even though she seems to be mostly an adult by that point (By which I mean that I've known some girls who are fully women by age sixteen and others who are still girls until closer to twenty). I wonder if her reaction would have been different had she not met Philip by that point. I also wonder if it really would have been the end of the world if the fairies had told Aurora about all this at a young age. I know this is supposed to be the ultimate Witness Protection Program and I don't recall anything in Grimm that says so one way or the other, but it just seems that keeping all that from her did far more harm than good in the long term.
Your POV jumps around again.
| Unther chapter 80 . 1/10
I love how we have an image of something like the Uruk-hai marching on Helm's Deep. Though with 10K of them, wouldn't they be a lot more than just a dark patch near a rock? Even if we envision a rock the size of El Capitan, that many goons would pretty much fill up a large portion of Yosemite Valley, far more than just a dark patch.
When Eugene says, "10,000, what," the comma indicates a pause. But the adjacent dialogue indicates otherwise, like he doesn't initially understand just what it is that's being counted. To make that more clear, delete the comma there. Also, when writing dialogue, one generally writes out "ten thousand."
I love Eugene's plan. It's one they should try to employ more often.
There seems to be a bit of a logic flaw in the chapter, though. Toward the latter half, it sounds like Eugene's trap had been arranged well in advance, yet the tone, especially earlier, suggests that a bit knot of goons had split off unexpectedly and the Allies needed to come up with a plan off the tops of their heads.
In "...weren't totally stupid, they had learned..." I think there should be a new sentence break at the second comma. Also, it's not terribly clear who "they" are.
Should be "...just led your men..."
I snickered over Eugene's musing on the Ballad of Flynn Rider. Suddenly, the Ballad of Jayne popped into my head.
Instead of putting an Author's Note about how Eugene came up with the plan, have him lay it out for Philip in the chapter. It would be more fun, as well as cleaning up the flow and the logic.
| Unther chapter 79 . 1/9
That's a cute opener.
Although the use of the word "meal" so close together makes it feel overly repetitive.
I'm a little confused at one point in Rapunzel's narrative. She says that Gothel "made that terrible face, then healed me, then freaked out." Uh...Gothel healed her?
Also, driving a knife through her arm didn't hurt? I don't know if that's a logic flaw, or just kind of Twisted Princess creepy.
I think I've just recognized what it is that seems off about how you write Rapunzel's dialogue. It sounds juvenile, like she's ten.
Should be, "...more like twins than sisters now."
Wow, those girls are having some serious self-worth issues, aren't they? "Why can't I be a good girl?" They both say that and variations of it a LOT over the course of the whole story.
| Unther chapter 78 . 12/26/2014
Well, sure, when he puts it that way, the whole thing does look highly improbable!
This Powers-That-Be element is very fascinating and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.
I chuckled over Eugene's statement about his anticipated quiet life and Philip's response to it.
Your Author's Note was humorous!
| Unther chapter 77 . 12/26/2014
Should be, "...to do more than try..."
The couple of times Leah asks herself, "What's buzzing?" there should be a question mark, rather than an exclamation point.
This chapter had me scratching my head just a little. From the first time yo mentioned the buzzing several chapters ago, I understood what you meant. Yet Leah doesn't understand what Aurora means by it and it seems it takes her too long to figure that out.
Otherwise, I like the illustration of how Aurora has no context for all the whispering people do over her. Although I wonder, did the fairies never do that?
| Unther chapter 76 . 11/9/2014
Interesting bit of lore she's using to predict coming weather. It reminds me of a joke about a young man who becomes Chief of his tribe long before he feels he's ready. So he calls NOAA to see what the weather will be like, then slightly overprepares. At the end of the joke, the guy at NOAA says, "Man, I don't know WHAT kind of winter we're gonna have, but the Indians are stockpiling wood like CRAZY!"
In the paragraph beginning with M. worrying, I'm not sure what you mean. "...how humans do thing." sounds like she's talking about techniques, performing tasks without the use of magic. But the rest of the paragraph kind of implies an overall way of life. It's a little slippery, I guess.
Almost lost her...as in, she almost died? Do we get to see some of that in a later flashback?
How does fairy work differ from regular work in this context?
What, don't fairies have mammaries?
So it sounds like it's not so much that using any magic alerts Maleficent to their presence, so much as the excessive use of it and the fairies don't really trust each other not to be carried away.
Was it the concept for the cottage or its location that had frightened M?
...a deep breath through the nose. Smells like the color brown?
The chapter seems to end abruptly.
I was just thinking, as I began to read this, what if Merryweather is Lewis' many-greats grandmother? He'd have fairy blood. How might the Lewis & Clark Expedition have gone differently had Lewis been able to wield magic?
| Unther chapter 75 . 11/5/2014
Ooo...great scene! Heavy, philosophical stuff. It's not easy being a leader, eh?
Interesting how Eugene has a pretty good handle on the teamwork and that it's Philip who's still kind of wet behind the ears. Isn't Eugene a few years older anyway? On the other hand, he's a graduate summa cum laude of the University of Hard Knocks.
Shield of Virtue...I'd forgotten it was called that. Sounds like something from an RPG.
So at this point, are people streaming into the castle from their villages? It kind of sounds like it. Describing some of that would add some nice ambiance, some further ominous overtones.
...don't have enough men... I think you've used "the men" too frequently too close together. You might consider doing some rewording and clarifying which men have been doing what.
Heh...Eugene has a concept of a proper war. How very British of him!
| Unther chapter 74 . 11/4/2014
Another cute moment and with some understandable awkwardness.
Feeling "almost good" after a nap...another real-world aspect of healing from traumatic injury, I take it?
The kings looking embarrassed...they're watching their little girls all grown up and I guess every father goes through that.
There have been multiple points in history when man and wife didn't actually sleep in the same bed and often had separate chambers. This persisted clear through the turn of the twentieth century. Although as far as I know, this was mainly a European thing and just as mainly something only the nobility and aristocracy did.
When talking about the reinforcements, I think they'd have used the names of the kingdoms, rather than their kings.
Ineffective clearing of throats...snicker! I loved that bit.
| Unther chapter 73 . 10/26/2014
Awww. More bondng.
I like how Rapunzel phrases her opening line.
A few thoughts on the use of "sister" in this chapter: we've established that they've started thinking of each other as the sister they never had. But they're still not actual sisters. So maybe another word should be used?
The stories that suggest that being a Princess is the most dangerous job in the world: I'm starting to suspect that the fairies had invented all of those, though to what point and purpose is somewhat problematic.
When Aurora says, "I...can't anymore." Is she still under Maleficent's influence? The wording suggests that Maleficent's command earlier still has a hold on Aurora.
"Every beat of my heart was bleeding pain." Wow...great metaphor!
I noticed you committed quote-mark-fu in this one.
| Unther chapter 72 . 10/24/2014
In the second sentence, the phrase "the girls" feel redundant since "the girls" are mentioned so recently in the previous sentence. I think a simple "them" should suffice. Or perhaps "the tension" since it seems that they really didn't want to be away from their daughters, so much as out of that room and out for a breather. And, well, you then go on to clarify just that.
Interesting that you touch on differences in forms of expression of submission. Does she kneel NEXT TO Leah, or IN FRONT of her?
That's so sweet! One question, though: why would making that request motivate the cook to kneel like that? I'd been expecting some apology and grovelling over something. As it is, a simple aversion of gaze would have been more than enough for what the character is doing in this scene. Is this the head cook, BTW?
Veggie stew...you've managed to have plausible veganism in Period!
| Unther chapter 71 . 10/12/2014
Actually, that hazelnuts soup sounds quite tasty right about now. If it's anything like chestnut soup...yum!
Ya know, my wife does something similar to pieces of paper when something's bothering her. The rest of the time, she just idly figets with things, destroying them in the process.
Is that detail about slaves something that's a real-world thing, or did you invent it for story purposes?
A guitar AND a lute? Where was the lute?
Ja, I bet Rebbecca is still conflicted, even after expression forgiveness. Which is really more of a process than an event.
Leah's right, none of it makes sense. No wonder everyone's confused!
Never normal to begin with...that's for sure! Extreme royalty! Sounds like a Period reality show.