|Reviews for Roused|
| Unther chapter 81 . 2/28
This is really deep, powerful stuff. I can tell you're still pouring out and working out what you've personally experienced with regard to forgiving someone who'd hurt you deeply. I think what most people don't realize about forgiveness is that it's a process and that the moment we say, "I forgive you," is either when we realize we've reached the point where we really have forgiven them, or that we're expressing our intent to work through the pain and get over it. There's still anger and hurt and we still have to deal with that, but holding onto it is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
"...have a good and wonderful daughter here with me..." Aww. Warm fuzzies!
Should be, "Whom I love so much."
When Rapunzel and Aurora join hands under the covers, that seems to suggest they're sharing the same bed. But I'd been under the impression that they were in separate beds. Is there some detail I overlooked? Or were you the writer and me the reader making different assumptions?
This chapter helps remind me of things that I'll have to bring up in "Unleashed" after Rapunzel retrieves Gothel from Niflheim and brings her before her now-Dromaeosaurid parents.
I still think Aurora overreacted in that scene in the movie in which the fairies make their not-so-little exposition after which she flees to her room and collapses onto her bed in tears. I have to remind myself that she's a teenager in the throes of all those mid-pubescent hormones, even though she seems to be mostly an adult by that point (By which I mean that I've known some girls who are fully women by age sixteen and others who are still girls until closer to twenty). I wonder if her reaction would have been different had she not met Philip by that point. I also wonder if it really would have been the end of the world if the fairies had told Aurora about all this at a young age. I know this is supposed to be the ultimate Witness Protection Program and I don't recall anything in Grimm that says so one way or the other, but it just seems that keeping all that from her did far more harm than good in the long term.
Your POV jumps around again.
| Unther chapter 80 . 1/10
I love how we have an image of something like the Uruk-hai marching on Helm's Deep. Though with 10K of them, wouldn't they be a lot more than just a dark patch near a rock? Even if we envision a rock the size of El Capitan, that many goons would pretty much fill up a large portion of Yosemite Valley, far more than just a dark patch.
When Eugene says, "10,000, what," the comma indicates a pause. But the adjacent dialogue indicates otherwise, like he doesn't initially understand just what it is that's being counted. To make that more clear, delete the comma there. Also, when writing dialogue, one generally writes out "ten thousand."
I love Eugene's plan. It's one they should try to employ more often.
There seems to be a bit of a logic flaw in the chapter, though. Toward the latter half, it sounds like Eugene's trap had been arranged well in advance, yet the tone, especially earlier, suggests that a bit knot of goons had split off unexpectedly and the Allies needed to come up with a plan off the tops of their heads.
In "...weren't totally stupid, they had learned..." I think there should be a new sentence break at the second comma. Also, it's not terribly clear who "they" are.
Should be "...just led your men..."
I snickered over Eugene's musing on the Ballad of Flynn Rider. Suddenly, the Ballad of Jayne popped into my head.
Instead of putting an Author's Note about how Eugene came up with the plan, have him lay it out for Philip in the chapter. It would be more fun, as well as cleaning up the flow and the logic.
| Unther chapter 79 . 1/9
That's a cute opener.
Although the use of the word "meal" so close together makes it feel overly repetitive.
I'm a little confused at one point in Rapunzel's narrative. She says that Gothel "made that terrible face, then healed me, then freaked out." Uh...Gothel healed her?
Also, driving a knife through her arm didn't hurt? I don't know if that's a logic flaw, or just kind of Twisted Princess creepy.
I think I've just recognized what it is that seems off about how you write Rapunzel's dialogue. It sounds juvenile, like she's ten.
Should be, "...more like twins than sisters now."
Wow, those girls are having some serious self-worth issues, aren't they? "Why can't I be a good girl?" They both say that and variations of it a LOT over the course of the whole story.
| Unther chapter 78 . 12/26/2014
Well, sure, when he puts it that way, the whole thing does look highly improbable!
This Powers-That-Be element is very fascinating and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.
I chuckled over Eugene's statement about his anticipated quiet life and Philip's response to it.
Your Author's Note was humorous!
| Unther chapter 77 . 12/26/2014
Should be, "...to do more than try..."
The couple of times Leah asks herself, "What's buzzing?" there should be a question mark, rather than an exclamation point.
This chapter had me scratching my head just a little. From the first time yo mentioned the buzzing several chapters ago, I understood what you meant. Yet Leah doesn't understand what Aurora means by it and it seems it takes her too long to figure that out.
Otherwise, I like the illustration of how Aurora has no context for all the whispering people do over her. Although I wonder, did the fairies never do that?
| Unther chapter 76 . 11/9/2014
Interesting bit of lore she's using to predict coming weather. It reminds me of a joke about a young man who becomes Chief of his tribe long before he feels he's ready. So he calls NOAA to see what the weather will be like, then slightly overprepares. At the end of the joke, the guy at NOAA says, "Man, I don't know WHAT kind of winter we're gonna have, but the Indians are stockpiling wood like CRAZY!"
In the paragraph beginning with M. worrying, I'm not sure what you mean. "...how humans do thing." sounds like she's talking about techniques, performing tasks without the use of magic. But the rest of the paragraph kind of implies an overall way of life. It's a little slippery, I guess.
Almost lost her...as in, she almost died? Do we get to see some of that in a later flashback?
How does fairy work differ from regular work in this context?
What, don't fairies have mammaries?
So it sounds like it's not so much that using any magic alerts Maleficent to their presence, so much as the excessive use of it and the fairies don't really trust each other not to be carried away.
Was it the concept for the cottage or its location that had frightened M?
...a deep breath through the nose. Smells like the color brown?
The chapter seems to end abruptly.
I was just thinking, as I began to read this, what if Merryweather is Lewis' many-greats grandmother? He'd have fairy blood. How might the Lewis & Clark Expedition have gone differently had Lewis been able to wield magic?
| Unther chapter 75 . 11/5/2014
Ooo...great scene! Heavy, philosophical stuff. It's not easy being a leader, eh?
Interesting how Eugene has a pretty good handle on the teamwork and that it's Philip who's still kind of wet behind the ears. Isn't Eugene a few years older anyway? On the other hand, he's a graduate summa cum laude of the University of Hard Knocks.
Shield of Virtue...I'd forgotten it was called that. Sounds like something from an RPG.
So at this point, are people streaming into the castle from their villages? It kind of sounds like it. Describing some of that would add some nice ambiance, some further ominous overtones.
...don't have enough men... I think you've used "the men" too frequently too close together. You might consider doing some rewording and clarifying which men have been doing what.
Heh...Eugene has a concept of a proper war. How very British of him!
| Unther chapter 74 . 11/4/2014
Another cute moment and with some understandable awkwardness.
Feeling "almost good" after a nap...another real-world aspect of healing from traumatic injury, I take it?
The kings looking embarrassed...they're watching their little girls all grown up and I guess every father goes through that.
There have been multiple points in history when man and wife didn't actually sleep in the same bed and often had separate chambers. This persisted clear through the turn of the twentieth century. Although as far as I know, this was mainly a European thing and just as mainly something only the nobility and aristocracy did.
When talking about the reinforcements, I think they'd have used the names of the kingdoms, rather than their kings.
Ineffective clearing of throats...snicker! I loved that bit.
| Unther chapter 73 . 10/26/2014
Awww. More bondng.
I like how Rapunzel phrases her opening line.
A few thoughts on the use of "sister" in this chapter: we've established that they've started thinking of each other as the sister they never had. But they're still not actual sisters. So maybe another word should be used?
The stories that suggest that being a Princess is the most dangerous job in the world: I'm starting to suspect that the fairies had invented all of those, though to what point and purpose is somewhat problematic.
When Aurora says, "I...can't anymore." Is she still under Maleficent's influence? The wording suggests that Maleficent's command earlier still has a hold on Aurora.
"Every beat of my heart was bleeding pain." Wow...great metaphor!
I noticed you committed quote-mark-fu in this one.
| Unther chapter 72 . 10/24/2014
In the second sentence, the phrase "the girls" feel redundant since "the girls" are mentioned so recently in the previous sentence. I think a simple "them" should suffice. Or perhaps "the tension" since it seems that they really didn't want to be away from their daughters, so much as out of that room and out for a breather. And, well, you then go on to clarify just that.
Interesting that you touch on differences in forms of expression of submission. Does she kneel NEXT TO Leah, or IN FRONT of her?
That's so sweet! One question, though: why would making that request motivate the cook to kneel like that? I'd been expecting some apology and grovelling over something. As it is, a simple aversion of gaze would have been more than enough for what the character is doing in this scene. Is this the head cook, BTW?
Veggie stew...you've managed to have plausible veganism in Period!
| Unther chapter 71 . 10/12/2014
Actually, that hazelnuts soup sounds quite tasty right about now. If it's anything like chestnut soup...yum!
Ya know, my wife does something similar to pieces of paper when something's bothering her. The rest of the time, she just idly figets with things, destroying them in the process.
Is that detail about slaves something that's a real-world thing, or did you invent it for story purposes?
A guitar AND a lute? Where was the lute?
Ja, I bet Rebbecca is still conflicted, even after expression forgiveness. Which is really more of a process than an event.
Leah's right, none of it makes sense. No wonder everyone's confused!
Never normal to begin with...that's for sure! Extreme royalty! Sounds like a Period reality show.
| Unther chapter 70 . 10/5/2014
Ah, so she's in one of THOSE moods, an indecisive one, eh?
Thinking about the castle seems a bit surreal. Or at least it could be once her sixteen-year-old self remembers that day, and realizing that the princess is herself.
Should be "...clouds and lightning..."
She thinks of Forbidden Mt. as the source of T-storms? Huh.
All the princesses in all her stories are weak?
Somehow, I envision these plains as being blasted land, not unlike the area near the Black Gates of Mordor.
That sounds like quite the view!
Ya know, funny you should mention the concept art of Rapunzel, for that's pretty close to what I was visualizing.
| Unther chapter 69 . 10/5/2014
Spikes of pain? Are we looking at the next morning? And muscle aches from over-exertion?
I kind of understand having one's muscles so weak they won't respond. I've experienced some limited and short-term fatigue that approaches what you describe.
"...never going to be the same...forgotten how to live." That's heavy. Good phrasing, too.
Who and what am I? I think that speaks to all of us and it's a theme I've seen pop up in all kinds of places. I address it, too, though I feel like I have a hard time articulating how the characters deal with the question.
"Your reality is so much bigger than your dreams." Huh. That's deep.
Wow, Aurora's really having an identity crisis! As if she hadn't already been through enough of one.
And what constitutes normal? Yet another question that plagues us!
Interesting bit of backstory for the queens. I notice there's no connection to certain Scandinavian royalty.
| Unther chapter 68 . 10/5/2014
I'm slightly confused. First of all, this chapter should probably be a continuation of the previous one. Mostly, though, what confuses me is that Rebbecca thinks "the staff needs a talking to." Which I understand to be another way of saying they need a good scolding. For what? Eavesdropping? But weren't they under instructions to eavesdrop?
Maybe rephrase the second mention of vomiting to, say, stomach bile.
But, ja, someone does need to clean up that mess.
Are the three maids blood sisters, or more like honorary ones?
I like how you transliterated the French accent.
Rebbecca seems like a bit of a Messianic figure in the sense that she's capable of terrible wrath, but can be just as gentle and caring. Almost like a human Aslan.
Might it be more accurate to say that they'd put great care into finding the ingredients for hazelnut soup?
I'm with you on the uniforms. I take it we're meant to understand that those are the classic "French maid" getup? You might describe their uniforms a little more. Doing so might also improve the flow of that paragraph.
"...could not have died a better death." While sad, I do love that sentiment. Hail the victorious dead! Thumordimenri wilhorthash mohral!
I'm not clear on why we're bringing up Shorty. Is it just that Rebbecca's thoughts wander to his situation? Otherwise, it seems kind of random.
| Unther chapter 67 . 10/5/2014
I totally see the queens doing those things. Other quiet activities might include games-chess, nine-man morris, and so on. But the note about the rest and the healing feels superfluous, at least as written.
It kind of sounds like the queens don't expect to sleep much, if at all.
Nightmares not really being nightmares...ouch.
I'd forgotten that Aurora hasn't exactly had an opportunity to tell her mother about what had happened to her before being returned to the castle that first time. Or, rather, she hadn't had the inclination.
Aurora's unloading was really well-written. I could hear the anguish in her voice.
Why was Leah panting and sweating. I can see how she'd be taken aback at what was coming out of her daughter's mouth.
After "But it didn't!" maybe it would be more effective emotionally if Aurora tries to sit up, but then almost immediately flops back down onto the bed.
The entire human race? How so?
That's interesting, her reaction to having lost everything. Some characters don't take it so well, but others do (like Natalie in "Starsong). But I guess the difference lies in what that loss represents.
And the different reactions from different characters added to the mood of the scene.
Nope, not alone! And none of us is meant to do life on our own.