|Reviews for Fate|
| Error 404 - Talent Not Found chapter 1 . 4/19/2012
I like your disclaimer ) Anyway, onto the review!
You did very well in capturing the dynamic roles of Kakashi and Obito.
"I have my hand reached out to him, begging him to take it, begging him to let me make him smile, make him happy for a change. I get this sickening feeling that he's dying, drowning, but he stubbornly refuses to grab on and let me pull him out."
I found that this section had "Too much telling and not enough showing." It could have gone something like this.
"My hand is always outstretched trying to reach him, calling out to him, begging him...begging him to let me show him that he could be happy, that there are people who love him...My desperation increases when he turns away. That sickening feeling filling the pit of my stomach, Kakashi wasn't just lost. He was drowning ,dying, fading faster than the light of day, and he knows it. But he won't let me pull him out."
But you could probably make yours better than mine...
One more thing, Minato's and Kakashi's emotional stress wouldn't show so easily. I don't believe that Kakashi has ever cried. But you could have said something along the lines of Minato not being himself. For Kakashi, well, I think that "Breaks my heart," is a phrase that is too often used, also the heart isn't responsible for your emotions. So, that being said, you could say...
"The sound of it made my very core shatter."
As for the crying, I always like something like this:
"And the tears begin to fall faster.
Clear black eye sat dully, while from the crimson eye, pain flowed in rivulets soaking blue fabric, caressing it, staining it with his memory...
Why do you cry Obito?
Rin wraps her arms around me tightly and cries silently into my chest. For the first time I let her. Silent words and understandings are exchanged."
I'd like to congratulate you on being able to successfully include the most important element of angsty fics into your story, which is the ending sentence. It leaves the reader with a hollow bittersweet feeling as they finish. Wonderful job. Other than those two things, great fic.
| KakaObiKaka chapter 1 . 4/16/2012
Sadness. This is one of those damn-there-goes-a-tear fan fictions... I can't stop feeling depressed after these...
| ArcaneDreamers chapter 1 . 3/31/2012