|Reviews for RP Away|
| Mellifluousness chapter 4 . 3/18/2012
Hi again! I'm never going to stop pestering you. Your story's just too good.
More evidence of sentences here! Yay! It looks beautiful, I might say- your writing style is lovely.
Now for a few thoughts I had while reading:
“You can also order take-out, and Xigbar will use his space-portal powers to get it."
I imagine him saying this incredibly casually. Space-portal powers. To order takeaways. As though everyone has space-portal powers. I LOVE IT.
“Demyx was playing his sitar on the couch and Vexen was being a creepy scientist.”
This made me laugh; it has to be THE BEST explanation of what someone’s doing EVER.
“I opened one eye to see a dark light gathering.”
A dark light? Did you deliberately say that to describe its utter otherworldly-ness, or could you simply not find the right word? If it's the latter, I’d recommend something like “A dark substance” or the like of it. is a writer’s best non-human friend.
Anyway, I'm really enjoying this! Dark dreams... doth I see a plot emerging? DUN DUN DUN. I'd say that Axel seems in-character, but I haven't played the game in a year or three. This makes me want to play it again...
Also, those poor hundred heartless! I feel sorry for the things, always getting killed by everyone with a weapon that can do even the slightest amount of damage. The fact that they go around and steal people's hearts all the time doesn't help their cause in the slightest, but still...
Will Axelle and Xyla be meeting Sora and co., or are they gone now? Will you not be letting anything on at all? The ending of the second game escapes my mind...
Right! I need to stop blabbing and do some stupid homework.
| Mellifluousness chapter 2 . 3/16/2012
Seems pretty god so far. I do hope you'll continue it. I will say more, but first...
MY EYES. THEY BUUUUUUUUURN.
You really, REALLY need to write proper sentences! This whole-
Axel: "Hi, I'm Axel." *is proud*
Axelle: "OMG AXEL YOU'RE AWESOME!" *faints*
- thing is not good. This example should really be:
"Hi, I'm Axel." he said proudly. Axelle gave a fangirl-ish squeal.
"O-M-G, Axel, you're awesome!" and, without further ado, she fainted.
- Or the like of it. I don't think you're actually even allowed according to site rules to do it the way you currently are. I checked another of your stories- you don't do this there, so why here?
Anyway, other than that this is pretty good! Yay for roleplaying in video games; when I play multiplayer with my friend we often roleplay. What fun! I can't really say anything about your writing style because you haven't really written any sentences, but I look forward to where you'll take this!
Sorry for being mean about the talking thing. I feel terrible now. D: