|Reviews for The Coming of the First Ones|
| Seeking Professional Help chapter 8 . 11/26/2013
I don't really like the idea of seeds with universe, altering, god power, I think their power would be more limited. While I kind of figured rei would end up doing something like this, it was a bit predictable of Rei to do that. I could imagine Shinji sighing and saying to her "I'm tired of this, Just go."
Thanks for updating your story, I hope you've got some more stories planned afterthis ones finished, as your favourite Eva Authors.
| KendrixTermina chapter 8 . 11/11/2013
First of all, all of this was very atmospheric, usual Rei-related themes like touch and hope, the abandoned school turned into a war field, the glimpses of the past with Kaworu where you get the feeling that the past versions of the characters are so close by, your attempts at the cosmic perspective, Eisheth is the Borg, that bit of Rei using the Zenunim's own attitudes against them for a bit (with the iconic "Oyasumi" line from the game!)the ironic echos ("Goodbye" *sniff*) and the reinforcement of how everyone sees Eishet in a different way...
everything with Kaworu in it gets bonus points for that mere fact, and I think his philosophy talk was very IC and fitting, it could have been right out of EoE. Yeah right, the other SoLs are also in there somewhere, that kind of thing. As was that idea of have this nightmare, this taunt of Eishet's take Yui's form. I mean, despite all thse connections, the two never talked, except for that one shot where Rei sees unit 01 off with a kinda... uncertain expression, but she must be this huge unknown that's in the way o things for her, not necessarily hostility, but uncomfortableness... I've been pondering about a metaphysical meeting in a kind of transcendent plane (involving the real Yui, tho, who gets to join in the metaphysical fun thanks to her angel-munching) towards the end of the current storyarc of CoTP(in the German version, tho)and of course, having them get along is too obvious...
I'm kinda wondering if the actual Yui will ever make a blazing entry (in your story), though I guess it wouldn't mesh with the message.
Both Shinji, his being awesome and those little observations on his character ("...even when it isn't") were... well, awesome. That's what's both so inspiring and heartbreaking about him, isn't it? he struggles so much even when you can tell he might as well be walking off a cliff.
Regarding Rei's overall portrayal, I like the huge amount of... balance you had here, you did the omnipresence metaperspective thing but... she could be touched, she could have cord struck with her, and oh, the elaborations at how being an of organic terraforming device made by Gendo is not too different from being an organic terraforming device made by the FAR, and even that existence tires her, natural state be damned, and how she's... changed, in a "Lady Amalthea" kind of way.
The escalation, the final payback from Eisheth (Glorious, glorious irony and all the buildup comming together) and the horribly logical, undeniably plausible conclusion were... yeah. The sealed in a battle/Shinkon no tama solution.
This is actually a huge blow, Kaworu was right about the Zenunim being awfully dependent on their boss. No more mindfucking for Shinji and Nozomi.
But REI TT. Dat's sadness of the deep kind...
My favorite part was probably where, in the typical manner for the sujet, there was this brief moment of... common ground/contact I guess where there was a parallel between both Shinji's and Rei's attempts to keep the crowd together, despite the cosmic differences, however brief, however fleeting, however pale the afterimage...
I guess it was to be expected.
I've never been so damn grateful for Asuka; It seems in the power of her, especially that less pretending, grown up version of her, to make this deeply sad moment into a simple, conquerable sentence. A bit like Misato during the ep 16 ordeal - You see that she's grown the fuck up.
| yclui chapter 7 . 10/10/2013
Hot damn. I have to say, this piece of fanfiction is absolutely top notch. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through it, and i sincerely cannot wait for you to put more out. This was GREAT.
Writing style: 10/10
Professional writing, no noticeable spelling, grammatical or structural hiccups, very well put together.
Thoroughly immersive setting and great world building. The writing really puts you into the world you are creating and leaves you there until you look away from the screen.
Character development 8/10
The one hiccup on this otherwise great story. I really wish you took an additional chapter or three to explore the growth of the characters from the original cast. The process of healing between Shinji, Asuka and Kyoko is more or less glossed over in this story, and it would be great to see how they arrived at their more or less well adjusted selves you see in this story. In particular, Kyoko is more or less a blank slate that you can really work your magic on.
Love it. Keep it coming! Chuck me a PM or something. Would love to talk.
| shelter chapter 7 . 9/18/2013
This is my summarised review of the where I've left off to the story that has developed thus far.
1) The frequent changes in lead character POV can be a bit disorientating. The story started out as being very Shinji-centric, and then delved into the aligned 3rd POVs of Maya, Misato and Nozomi. On a narrative level, I can see why you decide to switch lead characters (my guess is to write in all the important parts of the story without having to resort to long explanations). But I felt that the chapters 4 and 5 served as asides (more on chapter 5 later). I would've been much more suspenseful and interesting if you could've told about the disinetgration of the Rei cult from Shinji's POV. Even if the character isn't marginally related to that particular plot thread, it's nonetheless the author's initative to tie characters to plot developments. That said, I've got nothing against switching the lead characters (or in more literary terms adopting an omniscient POV).
My only critique is that switching from a one character-centric story to an omniscient POV with a gallery of characters taking turns to lead is a not-so-strong tactic used by writers to prolong the story and feed the reader with additional details that fatten an otherwise streamlined, single POV plot. Whether that is the case for your story - I'll reserve judgment on that until I read more.
2) Chapter 5 felt like a divergence in the story. I can understand why you would want to draw from Maya's POV when it comes to looking at the various Archons and challenges they face, but putting Misato as the lead in this chapter? Not too sure about it. Also, the significance of Keel's death to your story on human redemption is not too clear. He's only mentioned in the preceeding chapter and dies in the fifth. If I were harsh, I could extract out Misato's backstory and the start of the invasion of Japan from Chapter 5 and eliminate the entire chapter completely, and still the plot would be understandable and coherent. Additionally, you lost me during the Keel chase sequence. The descriptions are at bit off, and I'm not exactly too sure what's going on. It's the only time in the entire story since Chapter 1 where I lost track of what was happening.
3) I realise you have a tendency to develop each chapter as its own narrative, limiting continuity and past events to the background. In this way, I could start reading from any chapter and understand the story without much background context. This is especially true for chapters 4, 5 and 7. It's quite a neat trick that probably took you a lot of work, even though you might not be aware of it. The effect it gives serves to compartmentalise the story and focus less on the non-leading characters (Asuka, Hikari etc) and more on the extended plot. This is a good thing, because you have a huge ensemble of strong characters. Putting some in the background helps keep my attention on a select few. On the other hand, some developments are a bit puzzling. For example, after Rei's intervention to save her life in Chapter 6, Nozomi doesn't consider it a milestone. She doesn't even refer to it in hindsight.
Beyond these three main points, you have (thus far) a special attentiveness for dialogue. The way you characters relate to each other through their words is the most memorable aspect of the story for me up until now, both in what's explicitly stated and unwritten. There is just the right amount. When the action and narration becomes continuous, the dialogue is what draws me back.
As mentioned before, a bit more elaboration on Rei's status within the story would be great, so I hope the next chapter will touch briefly on that. I also hope the characters you've recently introduced - Sasaki and Major Freeman - won't become single-chapter characters.
| KendrixTermina chapter 7 . 8/16/2013
...uh, sorry, the last review was mine, forgot to login.
| Guest chapter 7 . 8/16/2013
Yet another thick piece of reading that came with many feelings... ppl getting deep about art, the depictions of poor Nozomi's decay, and the way Eisheth's whisperigs intersected with it, that question of, what is part of the plan and what not? SUPERB action scenes... I'm quite liking your rendition of Nozomi, having someone without that strong-burning singular motivation is quite original/unsual in the setting. As was that art guy - I liked how it wasn't some best friend or secret lover, but a reasonable influential, but still not that close aquantaince - It made the power of that... little measure of normalcy all the more impacting.
Also, requesting help for *the artist's block* strikes me as... yes, that's what I can see a more mature Shinji doing XD
No, no, you can be pround of this thing, it has a measure of proper depht to it, everything flying appart, and... HEY. For once, someone who doesn't forget about the existence of convection/that going NEAR something insanely hot is still dangerous.
So next, there will be a Rei-centric chapter? I'm already explodiong with anticipation.
| shelter chapter 3 . 8/2/2013
Muphrid, I've read your first 3 chapters in one sitting and I've decided to leave a review here before I read any further. For someone who's not a big Eva fan and who's reading the first Eva fic in almost six years, I'm glad I saw your fic and found your summary attention-grabbing enough to click on.
Let me start by talking about the good stuff. Your writing is impressive and you stick to the story almost obsessively. There's no way to find fault in your prose or your descriptions, which are not excessively detailed or over-the-top. I like the touch of realism to add to this story - setting details, expressions of everyday speech (especially in the train scene), the detached observations Shinji makes on his commutes. Since I can't fully identify with all the canon terms in Eva, these small touches help me stay grounded in your story and contextualise the post-Third Impact as imperfect. I think the theme of disappointing but enduring imperfection (in both the environment and humans) is a strong theme you're subtly bringing across in almost every layer of the story.
Your first chapter really drew me in. It reads like a modified coming-of-age story with an Eva touch. The amount of introspection on Shinji's part is refreshing because, for a start, it's not just wholly about himself. Instead, it has that personal-impersonal edge to it, in the same way someone would have when digging deep into a long-lost cultural heritage that has been imposed on him but family or society. So thanks to that air of Shinji's fact-finding and collecting personal memories, your first chapter escapes a lot of the self-indulgent, bottomless hand-wringing and back-and-forth that seems to characterise any kind of fic involving Shinji. Chapter one really is your greatest strength, and I admire how much thought you must've put into this introduction that appears to balance vaguely spiritual overtones, a coming-to-terms with an aborted apocalypse and one character's quest to find answers and his long-lost friend.
Initially I felt a little disappointed that your plot began to veer into more familiar Eva territory (an external invasion, the return of the Evas and Angels and the canon characters gearing up to save the world), because I felt the premise had a lot of promise. The story could've remained as Shinji seeking out people with personal interactions with Rei like an investigator had all the marks of a understated psychological thriller minus the end of the world. But I've read on because of your sensitivity to our current world's settings and the way you're developing the characters. So far, you're convincing me that everything's plausible. Needless to say, your pacing helps.
There are some things which I feel are small pointers on how you could improve:
1) Tough as it might be, I wish you'll come clean on what exactly Rei is. Your explanations in the story, while adequate for the context of the story, contribute a kind of plot black hole. I felt the most clunky part was the revelation that Rei and Misato were working behind the scenes the whole time and her subsequent PR appearance. It gives the sense that Rei is essentially an omniscient and omnipresent being, and her ability to protect Shinji gives her an omnipotent quality. I've interpreted this a being a divine being. But add her cryptic modes of trying to help humanity, I get the impression you're sketching a benevolent, all-knowing deity that treats humans like children. Or not. Which is why Rei's exact nature is so vexing when reading the first three chapters. I feel it's best to settle her powers and limitations, her knowledge and desire to interfere as soon as possible. Because as the story gets more gritty and the battle heats up, it's hard not to view Shinji's continual invocations of Rei as anything less than religious or a plot deux ex machina when she helps him.
2) As with Rei, I'm also not entirely sure what/who Eisheth is, beyond a corrupting force that wants to reduce the world to LCL. I'm reading up on the Zoharistic context for Eisheth just for this fic, but felt that the way in which Eiseth seems to be making her presence felt - a new set of Angels, requiring a new set of pilots and the moral and technical background behind children in large mechas - seems a bit too straightforward. I think you'll slowly need to clarify the relationship between Rei and Eisheth and why, of all times, did Eisheth wait for this particular time to strike. It'll help get rid of the complete randomness that characterises all of the attacks Eisheth and her followers have. (Of course, this is me reading from chapter three. I apologise if you've clarified these points already later)
What keeps me reading is how you've crafted and placed the characters with such care and detail. I would definitely like to see this updated and completed.
| Gemini011 chapter 7 . 7/24/2013
"And thus far, despite Horaki's rather presumptuous insistence that she give him a tour" - I think you meant Sasaki here.
Other than that, another great chapter. I'm really enjoying Nozomi; your depictions of the more central canon characters are great, but with Nozomi you've practically got a blank slate and your creativity really has a chance to shine through. She's a really interesting, compelling character.
| tymofey chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
A promising start.
| BML2400 chapter 6 . 6/28/2013
Nice, I think this chapter and chapter 3 are my favorites so far.
| qwertyui chapter 6 . 6/28/2013
Loved the depth and focus you gave Asuka in this chapter, it really made her role in this heaps more beleivable. I kind of want Eisheth to run into Yui/Unit 01 on her way to Earth, it would be funny to see the suprise Yui/Unit 01 would get.
| Gemini011 chapter 6 . 6/18/2013
Wow. This story is amazing. I've been trying to think of something specific that is most impressive to me, but having trouble because it's so good all around.
You have an excellent command of the canon characters, who all feel real and believable, and carry the story brilliantly. But I think what I'm most impressed with would be the original elements; the scenario and the villain are wonderfully executed, with a cleverness and depth that really helps to set this story apart from the pack.
Thanks for writing! I am very much looking forward to the next installment.
| Gemini011 chapter 2 . 6/17/2013
"In another, he existed as a line drawing in an underfunded anime, wondering where the rest of the budget had gone."
| plop chapter 6 . 6/17/2013
This fic should have way more reveiws. Thank you for updating this.
| Jumper Prime chapter 6 . 6/15/2013
Any bets as to whether or not the next Angel will make landfall in Russia or China? That'd be pretty ironic, huh? Whether they live or get tanged is wholly dependant on the goodwill of people they invaded not so long ago.