Reviews for A day off
Sereiin chapter 1 . 4/11/2012
Hello there-!

I noticed that nobody has really reviewed this story yet, so I guess I'm the first one, no? Well, here goes nothing. Just as a warning, I'm going to be a little picky (constructive criticism, no hate, alright?)

First off, I would like to say that, well...I rather enjoyed this story. You have a good idea, and I'd like to see it added on to. I couldn't help chuckling at Liam on occasion, how nervous he seemed to be and everything. You managed to capture the moment and also get your point across. Although, I feel that the story could be just a tad better.

You had some nice comparisons, good phrasing here and there, and you managed to keep Liam in character, which was also a nice touch. Though, I'm going to have to be picky and point out a few things to make this already good idea into a better one. Hopefully it may help you out with future stories too!

One of the first things I noticed after I started reading was probably some punctuation issues. They aren't all that big each time, several per sentence, but it makes a huge difference in the long run. Also, you had a few akward phrases. Like, here for example, if you mind me quoting your story here as example.

"The albino also hadn't taken any long break's or ran about looking for a good cup of tea."

The first thing is the phrasing here. I get what you're saying-that Break was actually diligent for once (For once, my god) and didn't screw around while doing his work, but you stuck in some words and stuff that made it seem a bit strange to me. How about you try this for example?

"The albino hasn't taken any long break's, and he hasn't even attempted running about for a good cup of tea."

The second issue is your punctuation, and I noticed this in more than one sentence. I'm just going to point out the three first and major ones that I spotted, once again, and fix them as an example for your future reference. Now, let me go back to the above sentence, I'll used my example version.

"The albino hasn't taken any long break's, and he hasn't even attempted running about for a good cup of tea."

You're using 'breaks' in a weird way here. Is 'Breaks' actually possessing something? Are you using Break's name, or are you just using the word 'breaks' as in taking a break from work? In this example, you were doing the first of the two it seemed like. Either that, or you were using the apostrophe mark incorrectly. If you take that out, the sentence would make more sense at first, like bellow.

"The albino hasn't taken any long breaks, and he hasn't even attempted running about for a good cup of tea."

Another spot where I noticed something was a few sentences bellow the above.

"Both the Barma and Rainsworth household insisted that he take the day off. Saying that if he worked any harder that he'd soon pass out from exhaustion."

With this sentence, are the Barma and Rainsworth household ONE house here? Or are they TWO separate houses? I'd 'S' onto the end of 'household' to make it clear that they were two households, not one. Also, with the second sentence in the above, it feels like you just randomly shoved the period into the sentence, cutting it off at a weird spot. Lastly, a bit of weird phrasing again. This is how I would fix it (and with the 's' remark above)

"Both the Barma and Rainsworth households insisted that he take the day off, saying that if he worked any harder he would most likely pass out form exhaustion."

Last thing that I noticed is that you have a few run-on sentences. Such as this one, near the end of the story.

"His mind sighed out as the brunette just smiled out stroking slowly the thick white locks, hearing little mumbles of thanks."

The sentence feels like it's just running on, all one big piled up mess. Once again, I still get what you're saying and I still get the overall message, but it just doesn't feel quite right to the reader. Also, if you could switch some of your words around and fix up the last part of the sentence, it would be much more clear, understandable and a bit more interesting to end the story with. This is what I would do, you can use this as an example if you want but you don't have to use it.

"His mind sighed out as the brunette simply smiled, slowly stroking the the other's thick white locks. He could also hear little mumbles of thanks from the other, which made him smile just a tad more."

I know it may seem like I'm yelling at your for your mistakes here, but we're not all perfect (wow, where have I heard that one before? Literature, we thank you for that) I'm simply trying to kindly offer you some advice, some tips on how to make this story even better. As I said in the beginning, I can tell you have an imaginative mind, and that you have some great ideas boiling in there. Yet, please try to at least brush up your grammar skills and try having someone else look at your work as you write. It would most likely be that little shove I was looking for in this story to make it even better!