|Reviews for An Author's Nightmare 2: Going Underground|
| A Dose of Sanity chapter 2 . 4/11
So after reading two chapters, I am sitting here in complete awe. How did this go so wrong when the other fics in this series went so right? It's like you took the first Author's Nightmare and inverted everything good about it. This is sloppy, juvenile wish-fulfillment at its near-worse. What were you trying to accomplish with this?
Despite the way my bio may come off, I'm not here to trash people. I won't say my piece without leaving some constructive criticism. I haven't looked at the "5AE" version of this story yet so maybe what I'm saying is redundant because you addressed the problems already; in that case, hopefully someone else sees this and learns how not to write a story.
- Please, PLEASE try to use spellcheck. What I've read is riddled with misspellings. Not typos, flat out misspellings. I don't know how many times someone can write "karati" and not realize that's not how you spell it.
- The dialogue is stilted and juvenile, even for a cartoon world. Maybe you do have a pottymouth in real life, but did you forget that this is Sonic Underground? It feels like you are bending SU to your own whims rather than respecting it and depicting at least somewhat accurately. Everything was pretty much in-character when Joanie went to Mobius. What are you trying to do here?
- You need to work on your environmental and landscape details. It is by far the weakest part of your writing, and the action sequences don't work when you write yourself running in vague directions and into non-descript rooms. I find it odd that you would insert yourself into Sonic Underground, but skimp on letting us know what you see and feel in that world. You're running through Robotnik's headquarters and all we are told is that there are hallways and "main rooms." Are the rooms dark? Is it warm and stuffy there or cold and drafty? Are the floors made of metal? Even simple details like that would help our imaginations and breathe more life into what you're writing.
- Your third person omniscient narrative is odd. I'm not saying you have to write in first person just because the other AAN stories are (though you may want to experiment), but what you've written does suffer from going back and forth with past and present tense. Pick a tense and stick with it.
- This one's a doozy. Ryan is not a good character. He doesn't feel like a real person. It feels like this is what you desperately want to be, and the writing has a nearly obsessive tone when it comes to describing "yourself." Ryan is a Gary Stu. You didn't transform into anything when you got to Mobius so it could be worse, but I mean, this is like Mary Sue 101 in writing. The characters spend most of the time reacting in awe to Ryan. The physical and psychological descriptions of Ryan are almost masturbatory. You're throwing Dingo and SWAT Bots around like ragdolls. Where's the conflict? It's obvious no one on Mobius is a match for you in your own head. Dingo can't touch you, Sleet is practically quaking in his boots and even Robotnik is dumbfounded. They're not villains anymore, they're the bullied victims of a God Mode Stu. The only reason you even got caught was due to a stupid fluke. There's no sense of danger when the villains have to get LUCKY to catch you. You are too obsessed with making yourself look like a god. You're not fooling anybody here.
| Llirbwerdnadivad chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
Good story so far! I'll have to read the rest when I can...
| bmp112 chapter 2 . 4/8/2008
| constentien9000 chapter 16 . 9/5/2007
this stories last chapter is missing.
| Scribble Scratch chapter 9 . 7/25/2006
Cool, training hurts!
| Scribble Scratch chapter 6 . 7/25/2006
| Scribble Scratch chapter 5 . 7/25/2006
Hah! Robotnik must have looked like he was gonna shit himself the way you describing the scene! Awesome!
| Scribble Scratch chapter 4 . 7/25/2006
| Scribble Scratch chapter 3 . 7/25/2006
| Scribble Scratch chapter 2 . 7/25/2006
Wow, now there's a kick-ass soldier boy on the loose? What have you done? Robotnik is gonna have a horrid time in this fic!
| Scribble Scratch chapter 1 . 7/25/2006
Oh, cursing! Always adds flavor to the story!
| The Mouse of Anon chapter 17 . 4/26/2006
There's little I could say that hasn't already been said to you about this fic- except one thing:
Robots DO NOT have nuts! They are anatomically incorrect! For Queen Aleena grabbing there on a bot and twisting, what is there to grab? Nothing! It is METAL! A robot is a _machine_, you can't kill it, you can only destroy it, and above all else it has no reproductive equipment!
Also as a final note, somehow I doubt that the rule-breaking Sonic and Manic would go military, and I don't think prissy little Sonia would go that route either. I agree her character could use some changes, but that's about as far as I'm willing to conceed on that.
Sorry if this is coming off as a bit of a flame, it's just some honest criticism. One thing you did that I _did_ like was what you did with Queen Aleena. Beyond that... If you re-write this it could use some work.
| Gregg Lobien chapter 17 . 1/30/2006
I loved this story! Keep up the good work: Also Six is a croud was also my favorite episode!
Keep up the good work
| Nail Strafer chapter 1 . 8/11/2005
Chaogirl, for all intents and purposes, he is a Gary-Stu in this story. Having a handful of small flaws does not automatically take away the Gary-Stuness of his character. That would be like saying a shirt isn't filthy when it's totally covered with mud except for one or two small spots.
As for you Ryan, this story would be perfect as a parody fanfic of terrible godlike fan characters, who can do anything, beat anyone, and make everyone in the official cast look like pansies by comparison. Too bad you were serious when you were writing this.
You transformed yourself into a person who's basically unbeatable and indestructable, but oh no...you didn't stop there. You made all the good guy characters like you almost instantly, and you made yourself a prime target of the bad guy characters too so you'd get a lot of action and dominate the story. Even then, you still weren't satisfied. You also had to make it so that you had a tremendous influence on the good guys, so you could mold them to your liking. Still not content with this, last of all you had to personally kill Sleet and Dingo, and critically injure Robotnik, thus doing something that the good guys weren't able to do in the entire show. You might as well just rename this story "Ryan Michael Perreault: The New God".
As for smaller problems, this story is ripe with atrocious grammar and spelling, especially the "karati" bit. Also, if you have worked with some guns before, you might wanna learn how to spell their names properly. It's "Beretta", not "Barette"; "Heckler and Koch", not "Hitchler and Koch"; and "Kalashnikov", not "Kalashnokov".
Truthfully, I've got nothing positive to say about this story at all. I wish there were something I could say, but nope, I can't find a single redeeming feature in this fanfic at all.
However... This story WAS started on over three years ago. I used to be really terrible myself years ago, but I have gotten better. For all I know, you're a totally awesome writer today. Got any recent work I can look at? Truthfully, I'd like to see how you've improved.
| Espionata chapter 1 . 8/10/2005
Ryian don't listen to the last reveiwer he said the same thing to mine and my sister's. From what I learned from my last reviewer he said that a mary-su or in this case gary-stu is perfect whithout any flaws. But yours does have flaws so nope you're not a gary-stu. But it's a great story none the less.