Reviews for Mass Effect: Interloper
Lachdannen chapter 22 . 10/26/2014
Dear Alestia, any time you make an assumuption, you just make an ass out of you and umption.

Sorry, just...it just happened. .

Alright. More serious review: Unedited chapter, so all the previous things in that regard. But you have got to be tired of me saying that, so *punches skip*

This chapter feels...well, necessary, but a little static. For example, We all know the commando is there, and Liddle doesn't do anything about it pre-emptively like I expect him to. Maybe I'm just stuck on this because i remember so clearly going "oh, you little hooker" when she did that, but it just...feels. I don't know. This is one of those moments were I kind of just want Liddle to be like "okay, I remember this bit" pick up a nice heavy bar, and as the commando comes in and does her thing, he just clocks from behind. i mean, ti would take some more set up, but you get the idea.

Or maybe change the dynamic. have the commando do something that is off from what he remembers entirely, like try and isolate Liara for some reason, and then take Liara hostage. something to completely shake the scene up, make Liddle go "oh crap, what is going on."

beyond that though, it reads okay. It's moving through the labs, something i personally tend to get irritated by, because i always end up back tracking, and its' moving the story forward. big boss battle up next, and i'm curious what you'll do with Benezia, if you'll change it. only one way to see!
MizDirected chapter 18 . 10/26/2014
although some areas still looked a little rough in places. - redundant.

So we have the usual dialogue tag weirdness and the telling. Lots of was and were, but these are filed under known issues, so I shall leave them to you.

A transitional chapter for sure, conversations moving through the ship. LOL I was just thinking that it read like a lot of extra stuff that you threw in to pass the time... the technical tidbits... and then read your author's note. Gives self the called it high five. Okay, high fiving yourself is just sad.

The conversations are fairly smooth and have some entertaining bits, it just feels like the chapter is wandering without any sort of development on any front... plot or character. So I finished reading it and wondered what its purpose was. Even chapters that are transitioning us between set pieces need to advance the plot or characters, preferably both. Some further interaction with Liara or someone he is working somewhere with, or that helped unravel some more of the prothean/reaper mystery could have done that nicely.

And Ha! Garrus, busted!

So, entertaining, personable chapter that just sorta made me wonder where it was going as it seemed that the stars of the chapter were the new mako and his thermal underwear. Go techno long johns. :)
Hershel Greene chapter 5 . 10/24/2014
I found this chapter read quicker than what I would have expected, usually people go fully throughout the mission, though this way works as well, and is different from in-game, but I'd try not to go too far from the actual missions. I mean, most of it was just skipped over, like you were in a rush to get Liara into the story, when I think a longer chapter where he goes into the mine would have or could have been a bit better.

That's just opinionated though. On the positive side, I think the imagery is great, with the sounds of molten sulfur hissing, and geth ships humming, very well worded.

I can't remember if Liddle has ever thought about how he got into this world... and why he's in Mass Effect. I think, unless you already have, you should touch on that a bit more. Maybe give us a brief description of his life before being thrown into Mass Effect, and maybe an explanation to how it happened...

That's all for now I think, well done.
MizDirected chapter 17 . 10/19/2014
The conversations ... all the conversations. And Liddle finds out that messing with the timeline causes very bad things to happen, and yet does it again. I am going to have to get out my extra-special slapping stick for him.

Shepard going over the game plan for Noveria with Liddle? How involved he is in command level stuff still makes me shake my head. When he's in running around, scrambling with the rest of them, I am totally there, but so much of the upper level stuff just doesn't make sense to me. He was brought along because of the visions, which now are sealed away by some sort of illegal tech. He got the cipher, now also locked away... unless he turns the illegal tech off? How does that work?

I don't have a problem with him being a repository of prothean info, because the game made me slap my head with the lack of anything gleaned from the cipher. There should be a heck of a lot of info. My issue lies in it being locked away, and yet Liddle still being along for the ride. I look forward to the answers to my queries.

Overall, a good sort of character building chapter.
MizDirected chapter 16 . 10/17/2014
"Thought I was a gonna for a while there." The pilot hopped stiffly over a crag. - incomplete sentence.

It took the quick thinking of Chief Ferro tossing me into the open hatch of a supply crate.- and another.

The ship started to shake and shimmy as Joker tried to avoid taking hits. - no one is manning the GARDIANs? Point defense is made for things like drones.

"I might take you up on that, I needed to buy a new shirt anyway." The marine laughed. - this reads like the marine (should be capitalized) is speaking.

I continue to be concerned by the lack of military discipline. If units actually operated like this, well, they just wouldn't. If an order is given, it's given. Jenkins just telling Ash that he's going along ... so not cool.

I had a hard time following Liddle's part of the last skirmish. So many somethings and vagueness.

Although, I liked the content, it being more grounded and realistic, and I really like that you've formed your own part of the story from a throw away side mission, I found the narrative itself very flat. It is very much told rather than shown. Lots of was, were, and actions that are written as a list, basically. Would much rather be a little closer to Liddle's head and get some reactions, emotions ... all that good stuff along with the straight narration of the action.

Overall, a good chapter. I really like that you branched out to have Liddle participating in a real sort of way.
Hershel Greene chapter 4 . 10/15/2014
"a lot of static dropped out of the all." *call, just a typo I'm sure.

"Yes." She "I've submitted ..." looks like you forgot to add a 'says' after 'she'

Onto the non grammatical side to the story: I like how AU it's getting, always liked it when authors try their own approach to stories, and yours is turning out pretty good. I also like how Liddle stops to think things like "looks like she doesn't have the sole survivor background" and "talking to Tali about things not mentioned in game" funny in a sort of way, although he's in this world now, so that sole survivor background is actually Shepard's life, she's not a video game character. Hopefully Liddle understands this, and doesn't try to effect their lives too much because he knows so much about them.

Anyway, it was good, and I'm looking forward to more.
Lachdannen chapter 21 . 10/14/2014
Ah yes. The creepy labs of creepy. Giant doom bugs on the left, asari commando assasins on the right.

Feel wise, the tension on this just need a bit more amped up on the creep factor. You have the whole "movement" bit going on with Garrus but you could really amp that up more. Ghost signals, or rachni in the wall/vents. Peak 15 is an ideal scare chapter and you can completely edge that fear and show us it. This is just opinion of course :-D

Beyond that general feel, though, not much to suggest here. I am a little confused why they left the port that lightly armed, and didnt either requisition gear or send someond to the normandy for more, but thats just me.

Hope that helps!
Hershel Greene chapter 3 . 10/13/2014
I like that Jenkins and Liddle are getting along like friends, pretty cool, and talking about westerns together ... and Fillion ... haven't heard of that actor before ... unless it's meant as Nathan Fillion ... the coolest guy in the world :P

Those chunks of text at the bottom annoyed me, only slightly, they weren't anything near as big as I've seen before (that's what she said). But maybe you could space it out, even though it's still Shepard talking you could have broken it at "This unexpected show of force shut Garrus up." and made it it's own line of text, which would have saved some space and made the rest of the big chunk of text easier to read ... or just cut it up however you'd want. Still good.

Not much else to criticize.

Keep it up!
Lachdannen chapter 20 . 10/12/2014
Luxury Mako! With heated seats, rearview screens, and...shiny? I was actually expecting the Mako to get trashed on Noveria, getting a rental Mako makes that so much more likely. :D

The whole omnitool fail from last chapter makes a lot more sense with the context here. You can probably get away with keeping last chapters omnitool bit with very little change, based on this chapter.

I like the leave behind for paperwork, though I would make it clear just how much the paperwork sucks. get us in his head more there.

Not a ton of other commentary that you haven't heard before this point. Feels a bit shorter, but maybe that was the scene breaks. Wouldn't hurt to lengthen things up here and there on this one, fill out with some emotional responses., but beyond that and some smoothing out here and there, looks pretty good. Starting to see some of the differences in the writing (re-writes compared to non-redone) as we get up here. :)
Hershel Greene chapter 2 . 10/12/2014
I always start off by saying good job, so good job, just my good natured self I suppose :P

Something I'd like to mention as criticism is that there are a lot of "was" in here, lots of times when you're just telling us what's happening, instead of showing. Maybe tone it down with those, agree with me, don't agree, either way it didn't really detract from my reading so I guess it's okay.

Also, Shepard calling herself "the famous Commander Shepard" was kinda vain in my opinion, maybe it's in her character to act like that ... but it seemed odd that she'd call herself that. And maybe give us more of a reaction from Michael, on how he felt about being deputized, maybe in form of his thoughts: is he happy, scared, or somewhere in between.

Just some things that bothered me ... only little things, still a good job again. Wondering how AU this will get with Liddle on the team ... ready to read more :)
Lachdannen chapter 19 . 10/9/2014
...star wars bar fight start. I...okay then. XD

I like the feel of this chapter as a whole. It's still the landing at Noveria, but I was okay with the way you play it out here, especially when you go off the rails and added details (or at least if they are cannon facts, i don't recall them) like the blackmailing Liara had to deal with, or the soup from Kahje.

I think the two spots to focus on with this chapter, is the mission briefing and the cafe scene. The mission briefing seems really light to me, and maybe just needs some work on the dialogue to fill it out.

The cafe scene...i like the scene in general, but i don't like how they get there. It doesn't quite make sense to me for Shepard to leave them like "l don't know what you should do...um...go do...a thing...somewhere." I'm not sure what to have them do, but they need to have some goal or objective to accomplish, even if i'ts just helping someone else. Maybe instead of just Tali going to check on local news, Shepard has all three of them. Tali volunteers to go through the computers, since it will take a while, if Liara and Liddle go and bring her back something to eat, since Quarian's probably aren't allowed on Noveria often.

Omnitool failure: ...can they fail that way? i don't actually have a clue, but seemed a bit odd. Maybe get someone else's opinion on that one.

Beyond that though, I rather like the chapter. It's a little slower, it's a little bit of a filler, but in that regard I'm okay with. Keep it up!
TheWerdna chapter 3 . 10/8/2014
While not a bad chapter here I can't help but feel my attention slipping during the long streches of dialogue in this chapter. There is just so much of it, with sections without much in the way of detailed descriptions or character thoughts to really break things up. I say its not bad because you *do* have emotions and basic descriptions/actions happening between dialogue, but its not enough to really take away from just how much dialogue there is here, particularly the stretch involving Michael, Jenkins, and that other marine.

We're so early on I feel like a wholly dialogue driven chapter just feels out of place when it really should be about Michael getting used to the world he was thrown into. While yes, he knows a lot about the games, there is a huge difference between playing Mass Effect and living in the world. I for one know I'd still have to get used to everything, even with all my knowlage and understanding for the series. From other reviews I suspect you noted feedback saying Michael should be learning how to use tech like the an Omnitool, which I noticed is here now. This is a good first step, but I still feel like more time in the early chapters should be devoted to this sort of thing. Show him having to learn and get used to this world, learning to put his outside knowlage into actual practical knowlage, that sort of thing.
Hershel Greene chapter 1 . 10/7/2014
I don't know why so many people don't like SI stories, or OC stories for that matter. I think they're pretty good, as long as the author knows what he's doing, and you seem to, so great job!

One thing that confuses me, is how Liddle knows all of these people, I don't recall reading that he was ever introduced to any of them. I know Commander Shepard can be pretty well known, so that's okay he knew who she was. But, all of a sudden he's talking to these guys like he's known them for months, and their names are in the description parts of the story without first being said in dialogue. I think to make it more realistic, since it's from his POV, that the characters should first be known to him, before he goes about talking with and about them like he's known them for a while. Hope that made sense...

Other than that, it's looking pretty good, already turning AU, which is expected when you have a SI.

On one finale note: Pretty cool name, Liddle, reminds me of some Game of Thrones characters. Big Liddle, Middle Liddle, and Little Liddle :D Keep up the good work... on your current stuff... because this is already complete :D
Lachdannen chapter 18 . 10/7/2014
A new, undamaged and unmarked Mako? Oh, we cant have that. I actually am pleased by that detail: the mako got mangled, and in a lot of stories you see them just shrug it off and fix it up right as rain. Fact you dont do that is a little nod to the reality of the situation.

Not a terribly active chapter but a okay transition. You slip in the details and little upgrades here which is okay. Keeps people from being surprised later when Liddle does more and more.

Biggest thing in this that I want is emotion. You sorta imply emotion by wording but it just isnt quite there. I want him to feel that pang of emotion when he realizes HIS mako isnt sticking around. He has to get used to the quirks of the new one.

And onward to frozen science lab world next. I am gona go out on a limb and say that you WONT crash the mako here, like I have readnmore than once in other stories. We will see though
Lachdannen chapter 17 . 10/6/2014
I actually really liked some of the twists in this chapter. Kohoku rampaging off and bombing binku was a suprise for sure. Tali and the date was a surprise, but something I could easily see in happening.

Some of the normal. Biggest thing on this one, I want more emotion. A lot more emotion. Liara is in the hospital. He runs into Ferro again. Those two things alone need more of an emotional response, even if he already knows liara is gona be fine. Did Ferro have more reaction to seeing Liddle? Did she have a reaction to seeing liddle and liara together? Ect.

The other one that bothered me a bit was him admitting he tipped off Kohoku. I feel like shepard should have been asking more questions or more concerned in general about how he got information ect.

Hope that helps!
277 | Page 1 2 3 4 11 .. Last Next »