|Reviews for Mass Effect: Interloper|
| Ariem chapter 18 . 9/25
You legend. Farscape is a fuckin' awesome show. I just wanted to say it.
P.S. The story's pretty damn good too. I know it's an old chapter so concrit isn't really that up to date, but I'd love to hear more about Liddle's feelings, motivations, the feeling of the crew (great that you included them in this fic btw) - basically more of everything! More between the missions! Drama! Emotions!
| RadioPoisoning chapter 20 . 2/15
| RadioPoisoning chapter 18 . 2/15
What did Dubyansky do wrong? Is he forced to go out with a xeno so as to not upset her? Not everyone is a Xenophile.
| fan-rei chapter 40 . 9/18/2015
I liked this story so much that I read it in one go.
that said I'm a little perplexed. I thought there was something between liddle and talia at first.
moreso shepard allows liddle in when she does know some stuff don't add up. she glosses over his messages about kaoku.
he saves the day but he's not allowed to stay. he does have lot of things in his head about reapers, but he's not considered an asset in the coming fight... or she does consider the menace eliminated?
she's a spectre. as such liddle and the aliens could stay by her sides. she may got some flak but nobody can tell her no.
I know the council was not directly menaced here and that maybe it plays in how she's not have the same clout at the end of the first game, but still...
I do repeat that I really liked your story. I hope just some of these things will be addressed in your sequel.
| shugokage chapter 40 . 6/8/2015
Impressive story and amazing job on the SI/OC!
| Lachdannen chapter 22 . 10/26/2014
Dear Alestia, any time you make an assumuption, you just make an ass out of you and umption.
Sorry, just...it just happened. .
Alright. More serious review: Unedited chapter, so all the previous things in that regard. But you have got to be tired of me saying that, so *punches skip*
This chapter feels...well, necessary, but a little static. For example, We all know the commando is there, and Liddle doesn't do anything about it pre-emptively like I expect him to. Maybe I'm just stuck on this because i remember so clearly going "oh, you little hooker" when she did that, but it just...feels. I don't know. This is one of those moments were I kind of just want Liddle to be like "okay, I remember this bit" pick up a nice heavy bar, and as the commando comes in and does her thing, he just clocks from behind. i mean, ti would take some more set up, but you get the idea.
Or maybe change the dynamic. have the commando do something that is off from what he remembers entirely, like try and isolate Liara for some reason, and then take Liara hostage. something to completely shake the scene up, make Liddle go "oh crap, what is going on."
beyond that though, it reads okay. It's moving through the labs, something i personally tend to get irritated by, because i always end up back tracking, and its' moving the story forward. big boss battle up next, and i'm curious what you'll do with Benezia, if you'll change it. only one way to see!
| MizDirected chapter 18 . 10/26/2014
although some areas still looked a little rough in places. - redundant.
So we have the usual dialogue tag weirdness and the telling. Lots of was and were, but these are filed under known issues, so I shall leave them to you.
A transitional chapter for sure, conversations moving through the ship. LOL I was just thinking that it read like a lot of extra stuff that you threw in to pass the time... the technical tidbits... and then read your author's note. Gives self the called it high five. Okay, high fiving yourself is just sad.
The conversations are fairly smooth and have some entertaining bits, it just feels like the chapter is wandering without any sort of development on any front... plot or character. So I finished reading it and wondered what its purpose was. Even chapters that are transitioning us between set pieces need to advance the plot or characters, preferably both. Some further interaction with Liara or someone he is working somewhere with, or that helped unravel some more of the prothean/reaper mystery could have done that nicely.
And Ha! Garrus, busted!
So, entertaining, personable chapter that just sorta made me wonder where it was going as it seemed that the stars of the chapter were the new mako and his thermal underwear. Go techno long johns. :)
| Hershel Greene chapter 5 . 10/24/2014
I found this chapter read quicker than what I would have expected, usually people go fully throughout the mission, though this way works as well, and is different from in-game, but I'd try not to go too far from the actual missions. I mean, most of it was just skipped over, like you were in a rush to get Liara into the story, when I think a longer chapter where he goes into the mine would have or could have been a bit better.
That's just opinionated though. On the positive side, I think the imagery is great, with the sounds of molten sulfur hissing, and geth ships humming, very well worded.
I can't remember if Liddle has ever thought about how he got into this world... and why he's in Mass Effect. I think, unless you already have, you should touch on that a bit more. Maybe give us a brief description of his life before being thrown into Mass Effect, and maybe an explanation to how it happened...
That's all for now I think, well done.
| MizDirected chapter 17 . 10/19/2014
The conversations ... all the conversations. And Liddle finds out that messing with the timeline causes very bad things to happen, and yet does it again. I am going to have to get out my extra-special slapping stick for him.
Shepard going over the game plan for Noveria with Liddle? How involved he is in command level stuff still makes me shake my head. When he's in running around, scrambling with the rest of them, I am totally there, but so much of the upper level stuff just doesn't make sense to me. He was brought along because of the visions, which now are sealed away by some sort of illegal tech. He got the cipher, now also locked away... unless he turns the illegal tech off? How does that work?
I don't have a problem with him being a repository of prothean info, because the game made me slap my head with the lack of anything gleaned from the cipher. There should be a heck of a lot of info. My issue lies in it being locked away, and yet Liddle still being along for the ride. I look forward to the answers to my queries.
Overall, a good sort of character building chapter.
| MizDirected chapter 16 . 10/17/2014
"Thought I was a gonna for a while there." The pilot hopped stiffly over a crag. - incomplete sentence.
It took the quick thinking of Chief Ferro tossing me into the open hatch of a supply crate.- and another.
The ship started to shake and shimmy as Joker tried to avoid taking hits. - no one is manning the GARDIANs? Point defense is made for things like drones.
"I might take you up on that, I needed to buy a new shirt anyway." The marine laughed. - this reads like the marine (should be capitalized) is speaking.
I continue to be concerned by the lack of military discipline. If units actually operated like this, well, they just wouldn't. If an order is given, it's given. Jenkins just telling Ash that he's going along ... so not cool.
I had a hard time following Liddle's part of the last skirmish. So many somethings and vagueness.
Although, I liked the content, it being more grounded and realistic, and I really like that you've formed your own part of the story from a throw away side mission, I found the narrative itself very flat. It is very much told rather than shown. Lots of was, were, and actions that are written as a list, basically. Would much rather be a little closer to Liddle's head and get some reactions, emotions ... all that good stuff along with the straight narration of the action.
Overall, a good chapter. I really like that you branched out to have Liddle participating in a real sort of way.
| Hershel Greene chapter 4 . 10/15/2014
"a lot of static dropped out of the all." *call, just a typo I'm sure.
"Yes." She "I've submitted ..." looks like you forgot to add a 'says' after 'she'
Onto the non grammatical side to the story: I like how AU it's getting, always liked it when authors try their own approach to stories, and yours is turning out pretty good. I also like how Liddle stops to think things like "looks like she doesn't have the sole survivor background" and "talking to Tali about things not mentioned in game" funny in a sort of way, although he's in this world now, so that sole survivor background is actually Shepard's life, she's not a video game character. Hopefully Liddle understands this, and doesn't try to effect their lives too much because he knows so much about them.
Anyway, it was good, and I'm looking forward to more.
| Lachdannen chapter 21 . 10/14/2014
Ah yes. The creepy labs of creepy. Giant doom bugs on the left, asari commando assasins on the right.
Feel wise, the tension on this just need a bit more amped up on the creep factor. You have the whole "movement" bit going on with Garrus but you could really amp that up more. Ghost signals, or rachni in the wall/vents. Peak 15 is an ideal scare chapter and you can completely edge that fear and show us it. This is just opinion of course :-D
Beyond that general feel, though, not much to suggest here. I am a little confused why they left the port that lightly armed, and didnt either requisition gear or send someond to the normandy for more, but thats just me.
Hope that helps!
| Hershel Greene chapter 3 . 10/13/2014
I like that Jenkins and Liddle are getting along like friends, pretty cool, and talking about westerns together ... and Fillion ... haven't heard of that actor before ... unless it's meant as Nathan Fillion ... the coolest guy in the world :P
Those chunks of text at the bottom annoyed me, only slightly, they weren't anything near as big as I've seen before (that's what she said). But maybe you could space it out, even though it's still Shepard talking you could have broken it at "This unexpected show of force shut Garrus up." and made it it's own line of text, which would have saved some space and made the rest of the big chunk of text easier to read ... or just cut it up however you'd want. Still good.
Not much else to criticize.
Keep it up!
| Lachdannen chapter 20 . 10/12/2014
Luxury Mako! With heated seats, rearview screens, and...shiny? I was actually expecting the Mako to get trashed on Noveria, getting a rental Mako makes that so much more likely. :D
The whole omnitool fail from last chapter makes a lot more sense with the context here. You can probably get away with keeping last chapters omnitool bit with very little change, based on this chapter.
I like the leave behind for paperwork, though I would make it clear just how much the paperwork sucks. get us in his head more there.
Not a ton of other commentary that you haven't heard before this point. Feels a bit shorter, but maybe that was the scene breaks. Wouldn't hurt to lengthen things up here and there on this one, fill out with some emotional responses., but beyond that and some smoothing out here and there, looks pretty good. Starting to see some of the differences in the writing (re-writes compared to non-redone) as we get up here. :)
| Hershel Greene chapter 2 . 10/12/2014
I always start off by saying good job, so good job, just my good natured self I suppose :P
Something I'd like to mention as criticism is that there are a lot of "was" in here, lots of times when you're just telling us what's happening, instead of showing. Maybe tone it down with those, agree with me, don't agree, either way it didn't really detract from my reading so I guess it's okay.
Also, Shepard calling herself "the famous Commander Shepard" was kinda vain in my opinion, maybe it's in her character to act like that ... but it seemed odd that she'd call herself that. And maybe give us more of a reaction from Michael, on how he felt about being deputized, maybe in form of his thoughts: is he happy, scared, or somewhere in between.
Just some things that bothered me ... only little things, still a good job again. Wondering how AU this will get with Liddle on the team ... ready to read more :)