Reviews for The Pokemon Takeover: The Unova Undertaking
Musical2day chapter 3 . 10/29/2012
Fire aren't weak against Fighting types...
CaptainPrice chapter 11 . 7/24/2012
Hey Owen, sorry this review took a while to get to you so I'll jump right into it. First off I had a couple laughs at Alex's humor. It was interesting to see how he utilized his training methods to help him strengthen his Pokemon and their teamwork, so that was a good thing to show with Alex building bonds with his Pokemon. N being gay eh? Hmm, I never thought he was gay, socially awkward definitely but not gay, but that's just me talking. That was pretty funny picturing N doing that dance while battling Chad.

Now the most interesting bit in the chapter was with the gang needing to hunt down and meet with the Dex Holders. That plan was pretty cool and original and it's pretty cool that you're bringing in characters from the anime. This obviously shows that the books will be split up and you've got a lot of ground to cover after finishing this one.

With regards to Eric being knowledgeable about Pokemon because of his mother was interesting. In my mind Eric would have learned everything from both his mom and dad, but learning from his mom is cool too. I also found the choices you had for his mom's Pokemon pretty interesting as well.

Now that Chad is still in the tournament along with Becky Jo makes me curious as to how this will turn out later down the road. The levels of power for both of them are obviously not to be underestimated by other trainers. The way I see it is probably Alex going against Eric using Sam and Jackson and Eric using Axel and Spike with Alex being the victor. That's what I'm calling.

Constructive Comments:
1.) I'm not sure if I mentioned this before in a past review, but I saw a few errors with numbers. Usually numbers from 0 to 10 are written in word form. IE Round two instead of Round 2. Numbers greater than ten can be written in their numerical form.

2.) I may have brought this up last chapter with Eric's and Conley's battle. I remember seeing their Pokemon using the same two moves or so. I can understand that with them being low level that they won't have strong attacks or anything, but you should keep in mind that using the same moves over and over will get stale. I would suggest showing new moves for future battles.

3.) That bit with the Dex Holders last names. I'm not entirely sure if those names are right, but it's your story so that's fine. I think the one thing I would raise your attention on is the last names for Barry and Paul. Their last names that you have I believe are their first names in the Japanese anime. Then again, those names work for last names as well, so that's okay. Just thought I'd bring that up with you.

That's all I had to say, Owen. I'm eager to see what you come up with next for your newest chapter.

-CaptainPrice

PS: Thanks for the shoutout, you didn't need to do that. I just post stories at the end of my chapters as suggestions for readers to read and critique on. Also, happy belated birthday, if I remember seeing your profile way back when and I believe it was on the 21st or 22nd.
MonfernoFreak chapter 5 . 7/13/2012
Who was Emma in this chapter? And there was a few other names in the prvious chapter, i think it was Chef and something... what the hell is that? And Alex's battle was gay, because he didn't have one. Lana's battle was gay because she only had one pokemon and she's the weakest out of the three and Conley had to use a second pokemon, I thought he was the strongest. And you can't just say that he has a Pansage! And now he doesn't? It said now I have Vulcan adn Rochelle. Where's Sage? Sorry to be angry but these past two chapters have been a bit conusing once I read them and got them through my head, last time i put nine out of ten but afterwards I re-read the chapter because it was all kind of a blur and then I realized it wasn't worth a nine no offense.

But I guess I'll still keep reading...
MonfernoFreak chapter 4 . 7/12/2012
Hmm, I thought Herbe might lose because the title was 'Too Hot for Herbe?' but you proved me wrong! But it is quite obvious what is going to happen in this story, because you seem to be following the evnets of Black and White exactly! But it will still be an interesting read, but I think you should have put the training session in your chapter because now i'm wondering 'When did that happen?'. Anyway, good story. 9/10
MonfernoFreak chapter 3 . 7/12/2012
I liked this chapter especially, it was cool how they actually met Team Rocket members and discovering what they're really like, and how the job that they're doing is quite tough, and there's a bit of drama... I'll definitly keep reading but there's still the spelling errors and the sentnces making sense...
MonfernoFreak chapter 2 . 7/12/2012
Even though your sentences didn't make sense sometimes your plot is very interesting and I want to read more... I'll read chapter 3 soon. Good job so far in your story though.
MonfernoFreak chapter 1 . 7/12/2012
It's good for the first chapter but I read Solus's review and shit! 161 times of '...', wow! But anyway I'll read more whjen I have the time but I'll keep your story on standby.
Aureiko chapter 2 . 7/11/2012
By the way,

You used "..." 161 times, my friend Marcus counted each single one... (proper use of "...")

I'm sorry to point that out, but you must understand, its overwhelming. (for Chapter 1)
Aureiko chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
Hello! (note this review is dedicated for Chapter 1)

I believe your idea was very original, that you decided that instead of sending them on their journey, that you wanted them to focus on thwarting Team Plasma Rocket.

However, there was something that really threw me off, and it was this:

I suddenly have this weird urge that this adventure is going to be longer than I first thought...I turn and look at Lana...She looks so hot when she's scared...I turn to my other side and see Conley...Conley has this weird grin on his face which is quite disturbing actually...Suddenly he looks at me as I startle and look down...

1. Can you guess what it is? Yes, its the "..." behind every sentence. If you look at Chapter 1, there are more "..." then any other punctuation. Really throws off the reader and makes the writing dull. This is how that paragraph should look:

I suddenly have this weird urge that this adventure is going to be longer than I first thought, (dedicate a sentence to explain why). I turn and look at Lana, fear etched in the lines of her face, damn she looks so hot when she's scared! I turn to my other side and see Conley, he has this weird grin on his face, which is actually quite disturbing. Conley suddenly turns his head and
he looks at me, and me being I startled, and avert my gaze to the ground.

2. Lack of Descriptions: This story was interesting, but the lack of descriptions turned me away from this story a bit. Let me show you an example of what I mean:

My best friend, Lana scowled.

She always was very impatient, yet for as long as I've known her she remained as beautiful as ever.

Comments: You told me a bit about her personality, great! You told me she was beautiful. What kind of hair color does she have? Whenever you introduce a new character, well a MAIN character, try to describe how they look. Something like Nurse Joy isn't as important, you could just say the usual Nurse outfit, but for Lana, here is how I would do it (assuming she is the rival in the Gen 5 game Bianca.)

My best friend, Lana scowled. Lana was my childhood friend, I had known her since we were five years old, and I knew for a fact she didn't have patience for anything, including a microwave! Her hair is a soft blond, capped in its usual green hat. She's wearing her green purse, which puts the final touches to her orange top and white bottom outfit. Her blue eyes stare into mine, and I can't help but blush a little, growing up it was like each passing year she got more and more beautiful.

Rate: If you describe a little more / more creativity that of "..." (and I'm not saying DON'T use them, just when appropriate), than this story would be flawless. Also, you could have stretched this story farther a bit in Chapter 1 but that really depends on the author. So I give you a

8/10

The story was interesting, creative, and it kept me reading. Everything a story is supposed to do. I feel the over usage of "..." was a bit annoying, since there were times it was good to use, but the other 99 times weren't necessary. I wish you described a bit more, tell me how the main character looks, ect. You gave me an insight, Lana was blonde and Conley had glasses. You didn't tell me how tall / hair color of Conley / outfits they wore and its important to mention these things for main characters. Also, how old are they? Was it their 10th birthday, which is a classic, or were they older for reasons you can concoct.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, rather, that your chapters improve because of this. I will review a but later, for other chapters, but I have places to be today so I'm not sure when I'll get to it. I will read Chapter 2 but thats all I can promise for now. Good Luck writing more stories, if this isn't finished I will be waiting!

Solus
LinkHammer chapter 1 . 7/7/2012
Hey I was recommended this story by 'Captain Price' and I must say that I'm glad I followed his advice. This is an extremely interesting plot and a very well written first chapter filled with good flowing dialouge, descriptive scenes and plenty of character development. Also I got to laugh at a couple of humourous sections even though I feel a little guilty about finding the 'Hitler and Jews' reference funny but oh well. Your main characters look like they will be lot's of fun to develop and I enjoy their interactions so I can't wait to see what they will get up to next. Also I like how you are bringing Team Rocket in with Team Plasma, that actually sounds pretty badass and epic if you ask me. You have excellent spelling and grammar which is a big plus and makes the story all the more enjoyable. Well that's pretty much all I have to say for now, I'll try to read and review the next chapters when I have time. So until then I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep up with the great work. Cheers,

LinkHammer
Halestorming chapter 11 . 7/6/2012
Nice chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can appreciate a writer in need of reviews (been there), so I'll mention your story in my next chapter. Can't wait for your next chapter!
CaptainPrice chapter 10 . 7/2/2012
Nice chapter Owen, the chapter had good action with the battles and I liked how you introduced N to explain what Ghetsis and Giovanni are up to in the Unova Region. I think this is one of your best chapters yet.

Constructive Criticism:

Not really much to say since I covered a lot of it in previous chapters, it's mainly small errors like that. I also saw that you broke the fourth wall a couple times when you included parentheses into the narration. Just be a little careful with that. Near the end of the chpater you had the wrong phrase of a word. 'Edition' when it should have been 'Addition'. Edition refers to numbers of copies of a publication, whereas 'Addition' refers to adding on something.

One last thing I thought I'd include. Garchomp isn't a legendary, he's a pseudo-legendary.

Keep up the good work Owen, I hope to see you update again soon.

-CaptainPrice

PS: Be sure to check out my latest chapter of my story and drop a review.
Halestorming chapter 10 . 6/29/2012
Very interesting, Abd I have to wonder which pokemon N uses...
Anyways, great chapter! Can't wait for the next one!
CaptainPrice chapter 9 . 6/5/2012
Pretty cool chapter, Owen. You've got the event carrying on and a few surprises alongside it, being Sam evolving and two rocket grunts attacking Alex.

Constructive wise:

minor misspellings, punctuation. There were two things that stood out to me earlier in the chapter.

1.) Using numbers. When you're using numbers in a sentence, you always use the word form from numbers zero to ten. If the number is above ten, then you can say 11, 12, etc.

EX:

"Your only 6 and you have more stories than an Arceus forsaken, WRINKLED UP GRANDFATHER!"

My way: "You're only six and you have more stories than an Arceus forsaken wrinkled up granfather!"

2.) When you had Alex singing, you had the lyrics kind of all over the place. They were centered at first then they were alligned left. So I would suggest to keep the lyrics left just like the paragraphs of your story.

3.) I would suggest to mark certain areas to show a break for a change in scenery. Towards the end of the chapter you had Burgh about to announce the first competitors and then you suddenly switched to Giovanni and Ghetsis. It looks kind of sloppy doing it the way you did. An example I could suggest is to use the line breaker in the proofreading/chapter doc corrections to do that.

That's all I had for input really. Keep it up, Owen.

-CaptainPrice
Key2DestNE chapter 9 . 5/25/2012
This is really good. Maybe you could have a Zorua or Riolu from Sinnoh join the team of any of them. This won't be good for Team Plasma Rocket...
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