|Reviews for Because of You|
| The Bitter Kitten chapter 1 . 5/29/2012
So I'm not a fan of songfics, and while yours is slightly better than most, it's still less than a fulfilling read, and it's mostly because of the format. :/
A good rule of thumb is if a person who is unfamiliar with your fandom can understand/ identify/ connect with the people you're playing with, you've done a good job characterizing them. You don't have to summarize canon or the like, but you do need to give readers an idea of their motivations, their goals, their personalities.
As it stands, I have no idea who... anyone is. There's a lot of names and I'm not sure even what gender they are, let alone why they matter at all in the fic.
I like the use of the first person. It lends itself well to really getting inside someone's head and examining their feelings and reactions and the like, which is good for a piece like this that's focused on emotion.
You need to do a lot more work with setting and description. At the moment, this is a disembodied voice talking at me, but there's not much rhyme or reason to what she's saying or why. It sort of follows the song lyrics, but that's about it.
A good songfic is inspired by a song, maybe even follows the same "plot", but it needs to stand on its own without the lyrics spliced into your writing. Ideally, you wouldn't be able to tell it was a songfic. Right now, all of the emotion in the work is coming from the lyrics, so when you take them out, this chick is saying a lot of loosely connected things with no emotional roller coaster or climax.
The biggest problem here is that you're telling literally everything, not showing. I think a large part of that is because you're trying to fit this idea you have fit the lyrics.
The best way to show is to put your character in a position where their behavior fits what you want us to see. So for the first line :
[I was always one to keep my emotions inside. I wouldn't show fear, sadness, or hurt. But one thing I did far too well was remember.]
You're telling us that Natara is closed off and reserved emotionally. Simply stating something as fact, especially in first person, without any examples to back it up is boring. Put Natara in a position where she underreacts (and how do other people react to someone who seems unfazed at tragic news or a disappointment?), and show us how she remembers it later.
So she's remembering this Shawn character, but we don't see her remembering anything about him. What does he look like, and more importantly, how does she feel about how he looks? Does she find his cowlick adorable, but hates how he's always jiggling his foot? How did she feel shooting him? Was she conflicted? Did she feel like it was inevitable, or just a case of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Does part of her hate Mal for shooting him, and the other part pity him for having to kill his friend? Show us how her conflicting feelings inform on her actions towards Mal. Maybe they used to be really close, but since s(he?) killed Shawn, she's pulled away and any time they meet in the hall she pretends she doesn't see him or he can never get more than a one word sentence out of her.
You can follow this kind of thinking through your whole fic.
How could Natara tell "she" wanted, no needed her? Does she see it in her face when they said good morning to each other? Does "she" do little things for Natara that go just that little bit overboard?
And if all this is slowly building up to how Natara discovers that she loves Mal, you can show the gradual shift in her behavior until it smacks her over the head how she feels.
I like your last sentence, but you need to do more work to make it have more emotional weight, and you can do that by developing the characters, and showing us, so that when you come right out and say it, it clicks.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
| MaltaraFluff647 chapter 1 . 4/3/2012
Omigod, soooo cute!
I absoulutley ADORE Kelly Clarkson, like I llllllluuuuuuuuvvvv her! My top favourtie songs of her are ' ', 'Stronger' and 'Already Gone'.
| But I Have Promises To Keep chapter 1 . 4/3/2012
| mozzi-girl chapter 1 . 4/3/2012
Wow... This was amazing! I listened to the song as I read this and it describes Natara PERFECTLY! I actually thought that it did in the first place but now that you've written something to go along with it, well that is BRILL! :D
I loved it!
Defo one of my Favs!
| maltararox21 chapter 1 . 4/2/2012
Wait is Mal dead? He's not dead right? Well either way you got into Natara's head really well and I love the song so I really enjoyed it! I can really picture Natara saying this you did a great job really. I just hope Mal isn't dead...but good job!