Reviews for Of Drunken Revelations
kazikamikaze24 chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
A nice little story you have here so far, and I'll be taking the time to read through some of your other Dramacon stories as well. Dramacon does need more story tributes in my opinion, and I do hope that not only does the crossover I'm currently working on attracts more to the series, but to personally add some more to the category as well! Moving on, while this story is nice, my only issues with it are fairly simple, and they deal with details and the format of the story.

When it comes to details, they enhance the overall dialogue, scene, or character they're focused upon in some way, shape, or form. For example, descriptive words like frosty, ravenous, gritty, or ragged are some decent adjectives for adding further depth for the noun, or in this case the character of choice, but details are a fair combination of adjectives and adverbs, which add further classification to verbs. Yet another example, for example, is:

Sandra grinned. "Good!" she proclaimed, bounding off the bed.

Other than the S in she should be uppercase, your main issue is, again, the dry, dull singular actions you have here. Yes, I know that Sandra can be quite talkative with her expressions in the manga, but in this circumstance you need to use words to show us just how she is talking with them. So, with a few new addtions, we now have:

Sandra, who was obviously tired from earlier, grinned at her. "Good!" She proudly proclaimed, bounding off the bed with ease.

With a few additional words, Sandra has been given a bit of an upgrade, which also improves upon the quality of the scene, which I would find to be rather important, as well as the quality of this story. With that in mind, let us move to the next problem, which is the last one. The format.

Now, when I say format, I don't mean the font or the perspective the story is written in. No, when I say format, I mean the overall sentence-to-paragraph count you have, which is the reason that I started things off with details first. A paragraph, in order to be classified as one, has to have the minimum of three proper sentences in order to exist, which is fairly easy to do, but what some people make the mistake of doing is making things into what writers call a "script" format.

A script format is, in short, one to two sentences, in most cases at least, that are less than a full line long on a page/or screen. For example:

"No!" She gasped before being pushed to the ground.

"Are you okay?!" Drew asked in a pained tone. She looked up and quickly noticed that his head was bleeding, causing her to widen her eyes and press her hand on where she thought the injury was.

This is acceptable due to the three sentences overall extending past the first line (at least, from what the review box is showing me). Even though the unnamed girl's "script" is only a entence and a word, her reason for being cut off is sound, as Drew, her friend, cut her off by possibly saving her life, though it isn't the scene that matters. What matters is, in this case, character B interrupted character A from fully speaking, performing, or thinking, and, as such this case of a script format is acceptable.

Your instances of script format, on the other hand, are not, and that is mostly due to the lack of details to add more, the need for more sentences to make each short sentence into a paragraph, and due to no sentence fusion. The main reason this is an issue is, since script formats are so underdeveloped, readers will easily skip over sentences, meaning that they'll have to reread a chapter or so in the future, or even further along in the same chapter, just to catch on a detail or two that they missed. Again, one easy way of fixing this is by adding more details and creating more sentences; however, you also have some random sentences floating around. So, lets look at an example, shall we?

"Then what is it?"

Matt rolled over in his sleep. Christie got up to throw a blanket over him, to stop him from catching a chill.

"You can't fix him, you know. This is just how he is."

"I know," Christie responded, and gently stroked Matt's hair away from his face. "I love him the way he is, faults and all."

"Then does the why matter?" Sandra asked.

Christie sensed that this was a test. She knew that Sandra adored her brother, and that right from the start she'd been probing Christie, testing to see if she really was the right girl for her brother.

Right here, we have two paragraphs, though one can be considered script-formatted, and some drifting sentences that shoule be paired with another. With some sentence fusion, as well as some additional words, lets see what we now have:

"Then what is it?" Matt rolled over in his sleep. Christie, seeing him do this, got up to carefully throw a blanket over him, which was to stop him from catching any chills at the moment.

"You can't fix him, you know. This is just how he is." Sandra replied, though Christie's attention was on Matt and his face. He, despite the scarring over his eye, looked peaceful as he slept.

"I know," Christie responded, and gently stroked a few of Matt's hair away from his face. That particular action made her smile, as if she uncovered a lost treasure she was hoping to find. "I love him the way he is, faults and all."

"Then does the why matter?" Sandra asked in a tone that, to her, didn't match the woman's personality at all. Christie sensed that this was a personal test of judgment. She knew that Sandra adored her brother, and that right from the start she'd been probing Christie. Testing to see if she really was the right girl for her brother.

Again, with a few instances of sentence fusion, additional words, and some editing, we now have full paragraphs that not only look better, but add more depth to Christie and Sandra, plus takes away from the script format issue. I do hope that my review has been helpful to you, and I can't wait to see as to what you shall do from here. If you are still in need of a beta reader, as long as it is anime/manga based, with the exception for Harry Potter, I'll see what I can do to help you out. So, until next time, stay golden!

Kazikamikaze24
the.lovely.wilting.rose chapter 2 . 7/5/2012
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