|Reviews for Corpse Bride: Frankenweenie Crossover|
| Zachary Osgood chapter 4 . 5/2
This chapter did not seem too bad with grammar or confusing points. It was all fairly easy to follow. However there is one thing that kind of poked the grammar Nazi in me with a stick, and that was when you said "third hundredth", you mean to say "three hundredth".
| Zachary Osgood chapter 3 . 4/27
Alright, I'm just going to write anything I notice as I review. I'm going to kind of make a list...
1. Where you go off saying in the first paragraph, "accept he was alive", is that line really nesesary? I get what your trying to do, but it just seems the reader would just go "well that's obvious he's alive".
2. You forgot to put an "s" on "parents".
3. Forgot to capitalize Sparky.
4. Saying "he knew what it was like to lose his best friend", that's past tense, Victor Senor would still know what it is like to lose his best friend, so it would be "he knows what it is like to lose your best friend"
5. Put "how" in between "or" and "his" in that same paragraph as said in statement 4.
6. Put "even" in between "didn't" and "notice", also remove "which" in that line. It would end up looking like this, "he didn't even notice his parents leave the hill Sparky's grave was on".
7. In the next line, it was kind of confusing as to what you were trying to say, I thought about it a bit, how does this sound? - "Sparky's lone grave that lies on a small hill in the pet cemetery, that can be found outside of town."
8. In the next sentence, the words just don't seem to come out right, how does this sound? "The graveyard was placed by Pastor Galswels, for he felt it is rude and unholy to bury "fermins (or is it vermins?)" with the people of the town that are laid to rest".
9. Instead of saying "zombie-like", try "walked home as if he is a zombie".
10. You said "ten" instead of "then" in that same paragraph.
11. Death is referred to as a person in many books and stories try capitalizing "death" when he is being referred to.
12. Get rid of "of his bed" in the next line, we already know Victoria and Victor are at his bed.
13. Instead of pausing between two sentences where you wrote how Victor Jr. staired at the ceiling and then turned to look at his parents. Put a comma after ceiling and put "but" after. Might want to get rid of "though" while your at it.
14. Instead of "away from his parents" try "looking away from his parents".
15. Get rid of "she stood up and her and Father walked twords the door", you put "and" down too many times, try "She and Victor walked to the door".
16. Instead of going right out and saying "dazed" in the next line. Try "Junior felt dazed, as he fell asleep". It's kind of confusing when it's just "dazed".
17. Put "even" between "after" and "a".
18. You say he is ten years old, i thought he was nine?
19. Tutor should be plural if there are two
20. Instead if a comma between defining his favriot subject, put "is".
21. Again, get rid of the comma between "invent" and "create" and place "and".
22. I'd get rid of that "or forever" it doesn't make much sense when it's put into another line.
23. Say "picked" instead of "put", "put" is like saying your placing the book down.
24. Relaplace "his" with "he" in the part where he is standing by the old oak tree.
25. "Then the dream and what he had just learned made sense" sounds a bit...off. How about, "Victor then reailized the connection between the dream and Mr. Rzykruki's presentation."
Other than that, I think the chapter was pretty good! I especially like how you didn't just have Emily be there in a physical presence, but rather her butterfly form. It makes the story more intresting and mystique.
| Guest chapter 10 . 4/26
| Zachary Osgood chapter 2 . 4/24
This page should probably be scanned through again. There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, like forgetting to capetilize "Sparky", maybe a comma needed a few places, and a few sentences that don't really need to made into a separate sentence.
There are also a few confusing points were I had to read through a couple times to understand what the story was telling me.
I would like to suggest that it can get a little confusing sometimes with referring to Voctor Senor and Victor Junior, it would be easier to understand if Victor Junior was referred to as "Junior" every now and then.
Otherwise, not bad at all, I look forward to when Emily comes in!
| Zachary Osgood chapter 1 . 4/24
I'm here once again to review your story. So far this one is not too bad, only I'm a little confused on two things. One, the movie "Corpse Bride" is set back in the late 1800's or the "Victorian Era", while "Frankenweeine" is set in the 1950's, what time period is this set at? Second, it's been a while since I have seen Frankenweenie, but I thought Victors name was "Vincent"? I know that Tim Burton made a short film called "Vincent", so maybe I'm just getting them confused, because Vincent actually does look a lot like a young Victor Van Dort.
Suggestions, I have three, however the decision is yours of course. One, you said in your paragraph where you start out saying "He still loved Victoria", you repeat "wife" a little bit, saying it once is sufficient to the reader to know that Victoria is his wife. Second, you said in the line "People WERE bewildered at the clone like resemblance". "Were" is the past tense for "are" or "is", if people in the story are currently bewildered by the likeness then "were" should be "are". Finally, (I know, I'm sorry) the word "clone" doesn't sound right in that sentence, "mirror" may have sounded better. But again the decision on what to write is yours, I'm just making suggestions.
I'm looking forward to reading more,
| ashstar54321 chapter 9 . 2/22
Yay! It has certainly been a long time, but definitely worth the wait! Please continue!
| Guest chapter 8 . 7/22/2015
Please make more chapters! And if you do continue the story, please add in Elsa Van Helsing!
| SHChil302 chapter 3 . 12/18/2013
Yeah, my mom says just because I wear black, boys don't like me. She says I need to look like a girl. -_- SORRY FOR THAT RANT but anyway I really love the story :D
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/4/2013
| Sergeant Calhoun chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
PLS. Bring Emily back to life! I don't care if she dosen't get victor just bring her back to life!
| elsavonhelsing chapter 8 . 2/19/2013
This is getting good! Not like it wasn't good before but it's getting even awsomer!
| Cris.P.C chapter 8 . 2/12/2013
Wow, what a bombshell for little Victor! Finally their parents discovered it, what will happen now? Oh, I really like this fic :)
| SamApeace chapter 8 . 2/11/2013
Ohhhhh roasted! Victors shocked now!
| Whiteling chapter 8 . 2/11/2013
Ooh! The truth is out! Update soon please
| Guest chapter 7 . 1/15/2013
In one of the chapters, can you make it so that Victor Jr. learns his families' secret? That. Would. Be. Epic.