|Reviews for The Rise of Darkrai: Luminita|
| Luna Elen chapter 6 . 7/22/2012
This is AWESOME! Why the hell doesn't it have more reviews? Ugh. That annoys me when I see good stories that don't have the amount of reviews they deserve. Great job writing this!
| drinker chapter 5 . 4/15/2012
I think your writing need more descriptions. In other word show don't tell. Describe the scene, their emotion, and what their thinking; instead of just writing Dialogue. Put some emotions to the dialogue, cause it seemed very stale.
In stead of she said, he said, add some verbs or adjectives. Like for example, "I"ll see you tomorrow," Ash smirked as he gestured toward the the lake.
"Meet me there, and we'll have a duel." With that Ash waved goodbye and left.
You see? We already know Ash spoke, you as the writer can just skip the he said she said part. It'll sound smoother. And at the same time we can see Ash's emotion, the smirk showed that he's being cocky. This is what I meant by the show don't tell method of writing.
By adding general short description you can add a lot more to the scene. Also you must be careful of making your character into a Mary Sue type know all, goody too shoe. Because as of right now she seem to be, 4 year and already a ACE? Where Nanoha had been doing her job for 10 yrs to become an ace. I can give you the ancient belkan style, but no reason for her to use that style, what you want should be modern belkan style, since that make more sense.
Secondly, S rank spell, come on you should be a bit more modest. This is what I mean by being a Mary Sue, don't make her too strong, at least not as strong as main characters of Nanoha. She should be A or AA rank. That is if you want her to be strong and less Mary sue. If you want to her to be strong without being a sue, then make it so gradually, by showing us the events that made her so.
Remember show and don't just tell, write with lots of descriptions.
| Taeniaea chapter 2 . 4/12/2012