|Reviews for Eclipsed: The Great Cleansing|
| WiseAbsol chapter 1 . 1/23/2013
Good afternoon, dear. I recieved your note on Facebook, which successfully guilt-tripped me into giving your prologue here a look. Now I realize that wasn't your intention, but even so... In any case, at the time you posted this, I was in Europe and distracted, and somehow the summary of this story threw me off - I'm not sure why, except maybe that Hikari is in this, and I know nothing about her and don't ship her with Satoshi... But these are excuses, and poor ones at that, so let me say that I'm so very sorry to not have read this sooner. You don't get much traffic (which isn't any fault of your own, honestly - I've noticed a steady decrease myself over the years as people leave the fandom) and I know how you value my comments, so I should know better than to not say anything. That was awful of me - especially because I hurt you through doing so - so allow me to try to remedy that a little.
First, I think this is a promising start. The scene you set is quite evocative (it essentially is the end of the world), as is Hikari's physical state. There are implications that all of her pokemon have been taken from her, save her starter, and possibly that she loves Satoshi (though whether she looks up to him as a friend or mentor or more isn't clear - either way, survival is her primary concern). The officers of the law - and I'm using that term very loosely - undoubtedly belong to Mewtwo, given their badges and the pro-Mewtwo propoganda. That Henderson, who has probably been reprogrammed by Mewtwo, still has some emotions was a very good touch. The ID cards were nice as well - tracking civilians is certainly one method of tyrannical control. One does wonder if everyone is going through Hikari's situation, or if hers is worse than most due to her being a fugitive/refugee. I assume some humans - those that cooperate with Mewtwo - are treated better; otherwise, I'm not sure how Mewtwo expects this takeover to succeed. When you rule too forcefully, the foundation of your kingdom will crumble beneath you. Or the people will rise up and try to kill you; history shows us that. But this is a dystopian society, so we need to break down everything before building it back up. Also, Mewtwo would need to be overthrown, but we're getting many stories ahead of this one.
The details about the moon watching over everything also lends a sense of paranoia to what is usually a symbol of tranquility and gentleness. The mass gravesite - it's a vivid image, but I suppose my only concern here is that, when dealing with infected persons, with those persons possibly infecting pokemon, I think the bodies would need to be burned or buried with lye. Otherwise, things could scavenge on the corpses, which could lead to the virus spreading...and you mention someone has a flamethrower, so there is that. As for whether the infected boy and Hikari will get out of their current predicaments, I suppose we'll see (maybe?). And Mewtwo should know better than to taunt Mew, but he has a point - it's possible she doesn't understand what she's seeing. It'll be interesting to see where their interactions go.
There were a few minor grammer mistakes and just some stylistic things I'd touch up on - nothing too extensive, really, but "celestial heavens" stood out to me as redundant. Overall, as I said, it's a promising start, and I'm sorry to have not read it before now. I suspect the reason this hasn't had more traffic is that, A.) it's using the Japanese names, and people on FFN don't like that for some obscure reason, B.) despite promising Satoshi, it starts with Hikari, and C.) it's a prologue, and people tend to wait until there's more there so they don't have to worry about the story being abandoned. With any luck, future updates (if you're interested in adding them) will bring in more people. I will recommend this to some readers I know, just in case. Meneldur, for instance, needs to head over here.
In any case, I'll talk with you later. Thanks for the read.
| AK2FANFICTION chapter 1 . 4/12/2012
Well, as usual, very spectacular writing! Especially in regard to the vocab, and choice of words. This story is already gripping, only one chapter in. The reader almost feels like they have been part of this horrid age of Mewtwo, the Lord, for years now. I can just visualize a setting where everything is cloudy and dark, and the sun rarely shines anymore.
Hikari and Piplup's situation is truly despairing! I wonder what has become of that penguin, now?
I wonder if the sympathy that the guard has will be enough to let Hikari go free?
In your story, does Hikari have a love interest in Satoshi? At the very least they came across as very close...
I really enjoyed the scene where Mewtwo taunted Mew. Doe she literally not understand death, or does she not understand what it must be like, as she is more or less safe from it?
I wonder if we will see the Sinnoh epidemic show up in the story... maybe Mewtwo can get it! lol
Despite what you told me earlier, is this really the last we will see of Mew and Hikari?
So far the story is emotional, grasping, and overall incredibly well done! PLEASE keep this up!