|Reviews for Nightmares|
| goldensundarkdawn chapter 1 . 10/12/2013
I'm Dawnshipper for life!
| Droory chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Wow, that was pretty serious. I know it was a dream but... whoo... The death sequences I didn't actually mind too much (I kind of laughed at some, like Amiti's or Kraden's), death is usually kinda skimmed over. So, I liked the description of each.
It was very tense at the beginning, very. Then at the end of the dream where she's almost raped by an eyeless Matthew, yeah... dude, that's messed up. But it's a nightmare and I won't soon be forgetting it, so that's good.
When Karis wakes up it all seems very believable. She gets very emotional, afraid, throws up. Seems like the kind of thing to do after that kind of dream. Then Matthew comes along, and she throws up on him too. But, Matthew seems very well written as the caring, protective friend.
At the end when it got kind of fluff I was glad. It didn't seem forced, seemed very natural. So that made me feel much better after everything you put Karis through.
All in all a good read. Good job, man.
| anti-viper chapter 1 . 4/29/2012
I'm so witty, I'm listening to a song called Nightmare while writing this. Yeaaah... okay, review.
I'm pretty damn sure you edited this already (which makes me glad I re-read before reviewing), as I remember the scene at the end with them kissing got a little hotter in my first read. I had actually felt that was awkward, so unless I'm going crazy, good job on the edit! Was anything else edited?
I think the first half was weaker than the second half, in terms of sentence/writing quality and in terms of thematic consistency. The first half had a lot of tense issues... toward the beginning you wrote: "Sveta had received a blow that shattered her skull. Eoleo's leg was sliced clean off, and he bled out slowly." It changed tense after the first sentence, and felt a little awkward. This happened a lot through the nightmare, especially at the end as well: "Karis screamed loudly, but no one can hear her." Consistently writing in the same tense can be hard, but when it happens it can be pretty glaring.
In general, the first half had some awkward sentence issues as well. "A massive Fury Demon, bigger than any ever before, was chasing her." The second part of the sentence sounds awkward. Possibly "A massive Fury Demon, larger than any they had ever encountered before, was chasing her." Actually, that leads into my next point...
Sentence structure is more or less impossible to explain for me, but what you should aim for is trying to let each sentence stand as its own being, with a clear point and surrounding details and what not. But, it's tricky, because you want to make sure each sentence flows into the next sentence, and that two sentences that would work well together don't get separated. Take the beginning line again: "Karis ran as fast as she could. A massive Fury Demon, bigger than any ever before, was chasing her." The beginning sentence is grammatically fine, as is the one after, but they'd flow better if put together.
"Karis ran as fast as she could, a massive Fury Demon, larger than any they had encountered before, close behind." It's really tricky to get a good flow down, or explain it... think of it like pacing. The entire chapter has pacing, but so does each individual paragraph, and it's important to keep that flow going. I'm not saying make a ton of run-on sentences, but if two sentences are very short, right next to each other, and are discussing the same concept, chances are they should be combined.
With that being said, I thought the second half was much better in regard to all of the above points. A lot of really good sentences (I thought some were still a little fragmented).
Moving on to the actual story and plot and such. Similar to the technical aspects of the story, I felt like the second half of the plot was stronger than the first. The main issue I had with the first is that it was almost... comical, and I don't think that's what you were trying to make. Maybe I'm just messed up (let me correct that, I am), but some of the deaths were too ridiculous to feel weighty. I giggled a bit at Amiti's, Kraden's, and Matthew's deaths, because they were a bit too over-the-top.
Then again, it is a dream, and who knows how Karis would dream? A lot of dreams are ridiculous, so I could actually see some of this happening. So, I think it's more of a stylistic choice, so feel free to keep it or change it. On that note though, I think describing the deaths a bit more would have added to the weight of the situation, or describing Karis's reactions more in depth.
I think the overall topic of this fic is interesting, because it's very easy to forget that the characters are pretty much kids tasked with saving the world and given the powers of small Gods. Seeing Karis breakdown about it felt very real, as did her interactions with Matthew. Their character dynamic was very well done; Matthew being overprotective and caring, and Karis the perfect mix of angst, love, and terror. I actually would have liked to see more of them toward the end, because I felt they could get into more conversation and get deeper into the idea of being a day away from their deaths.
Finally, the last thing I wanted to mention was that I wasn't quite sure about their relationship standing before this fic. Karis/Matthew could be very different depending on whether or not they are established lovers, meaning they're remembering the good times and thankful for the time they've spent, or they are just realizing they're feelings for each other, at which point it's a very heartfelt moment where the fear of looming death inspires confessions of love.
Regardless, I felt they worked really well together. So... yeah. Because it took me so long to review I tried to make it a more substantial one than as usual. If anything was confusing (I think I might have gotten lost a few times in my examples and such...), let me know. I really liked this though... I feel like it's one of your strongest efforts, and that this was some of the best characterization you've had yet.
Also, now that I got through the entire review parts, I'm going to take the time to say AHHHH WHY DID YOU PUT POOR KARIS THROUGH SO MUCH TERRIBLE SADNESS. I really felt for the poor-girl... the idea of being raped by your best friend who you love whose eyes had just been ripped out. Just terrible. But it's okay, because the ending was fluffy and sweet :) . I'm going to end this review here, good job!
| Jetzul chapter 1 . 4/14/2012
Dawnshipping? ALL RIGHT! AWESOME DUDE!
Wow. That was one rough nightmare Karis had. Poor girl.