|Reviews for Hogyoku|
| airam23 chapter 4 . 2/14/2013
| CaintheFirstDemon chapter 4 . 2/3/2013
Update update? S
| Qzh chapter 4 . 1/22/2013
really liked it, hope it gets continued.
| banditdk19 chapter 3 . 1/10/2013
Why would they retreat and leave such powerful foes alive? Naruto knows very well that they will shed blood of innocent once again and isn't it their purpose to eliminate the root of the problem? That's not very well thought out...
| NeoJubiSannin1870 chapter 4 . 1/7/2013
UUPPPDDAATTEE PPPLLLEAASSEEEE! I got so into it and now I find it abandoned (T_T)
| MrNeedsToRemoveAllFavs chapter 1 . 12/31/2012
" The sleeves of her kimono are not as wide as those worn by most Shinigami"
What other Shinigami? If there are other shinigami it would probably be wise not to randomly mention them before we know they exist. Maybe just remove Shinigami, since they aren't the only people to wear kimono garbs. Slimmer than average, or something might also work.
"Taichou- Shushou (Captain-Commander)"
Sotaicho is Captain Commander, if I remember right. Where did you get shushou?
Please try not to use the words "depicted" or "depicted" in a description, as you did when describing Homura and Koharu. This gives tye impression that it is either an illusion they use to hide their real form, or that they are in a piece of art. While it is time for "appeared" to be used in a description of Danzo as a "frail old man" that is because he is projecting that image, which makes it a suitable word to use.
Also, giving Aizen his memories and personality is probably going to bite Naruto in the ass in the future.
Giving the "civilian council" a reason to be nameless and faceless is new, but still a rather pointless wqy to make a bunch of crappy, constantly bashed villains that will likely never actually die or have any permanent harm done to them. In fact, it would be rather pointless to kill or permanently harm them anyway.
" Sakura, Sasuke-sama, and Kasumi" are suggested for a team then Ino is mentioned instead of Kasumi every other time.
Sannin, not Sanins. There is no point in pluralizing it either. Sannin means Three Ninja, and saying Tyree Ninjas is, well, incorrect.
Tsune scared her husband away in canon, if I remember right. Just letting you know.
Also, was team 9 ever even mentioned in canon as being Gai's team? Pretty sure they were just as Not Important as teams 1-6.
If Kasumi is a prodigy then she wouldn't be on Sasuke's team, unless he or Sakura were the dead last. At least she wouldn't be when they follow traditional team makeup.
When talking about the death of a genin it said " often led to suicide depending on the person" for said genin's friends and family. This is an incredibly awkward statement since "often led to suicide" is pretty clear cut, but "depending on the person" can go either way. Maybe something like "it could lead to suicide" instead. One could also use "depending on the person, it could lead to suicide" wih a couple additional options thrown in, such as depression, hatred towards tyeir killers (which could incite a war), and so on.
Dante is a western name. Using it for an OC in an eastern fantasy setting can give a bad impression, if not of the character then of the fic they are in or the author writing it. Not to mention using tyree OCs with what amounts to nearly identical descriptions.
If Kushina was known as Minato's wife, and Naruto and Kasumi were her kids, then why didn't she already have a hold on his mansion after his death but before the clan left? If she did, then why didn't she sell it when she left? If she didn't, then why didn't Naruto gain it after his banishment from the clan? No inheritance from one side typically means they get inheritance from the other side of the family.
The Seireitei have a lot more than just 20 or so females. Maybe specify it to be powerful, or high ranking, females unless Naruto only copied the strongest people, in which case there would be no real need for the Gotei 13 since they would just be a dozen or two people strong. The seireitei were, at the least, hundreds strong. If they weren't thousands strong.
Is he making one seireitei into a buffer village (which doesn't make sense unless the village would really be a giant country able to block the borders, or unless the only way to get from one to the other is through that one path the village is built on) and one into an extra dimensional army of some kind?
And wouldn't two Seireitei mean his harem consists of nothing but twins? Consider making one of the seireitei consist of the Espada and/or Vizards. You could make the Espada have the equivalent of their Hollow powers as Shinigami (or Mod-Soul) equivalents, and/or just make the Vizard have only their shinigami powers.
Shinigami equivalent would be like Starrk having Lillinette as his Shikai and his resureccion being his bankai with the ability to shoot lots and lots of kido (like Shakkaho or something), or Grimmjow's Desgarrón as a unique kido. You could also just bullshit it by saying he recreated their souls as wholes or shinigami and their powers just came with them.
On the whole usage of "Kami" and "God" in this fic: please stick to one. I would prefer one to use god.
Disregard the following paragraph since I made it before I reached tye explanation you gave. As for not having chakra: that is impossible. He has a physical body, and therefore physical energy, and (spiritual) experience, and consequently spiritual energy. Such is all that is required. He can be unable to mold chakra, theoretically, but it would be much better to say he has no talent in ninja arts instead. Such little talent, maybe, that it might as well be said that he has no chakra, which results in them being scared that he would be unable to hold back the chakra of the kyuubi even subconsciously if he was given any opportunity to mold chakra - which the kyuubi coupd undoubtedly take advantage of. No chakra would to hold he kyuubi back at all would theoretically mean that it couldn't really be sealed since tye seal would be powered by chakra. At most, it might be sealed while the Yondaime's chakra is used to hold it back, but with no way to really generate more chakra that would be quickly overwhelmed.
| Helsng-Naru-Bleach chapter 4 . 12/30/2012
hmmm either Kingdom of Blades or Shinigakure
| StrongGuy159 chapter 4 . 12/7/2012
Cool story continue please.
| Guest chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
The South Park and the Skyrim references almost made me LOL, the reason I didn't was because its past 11 o' clock and everyone but me is asleep. Therefore I would have gotten in trouble since I'm only 13.
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
When i read that Kushina said no she didnt care about Naruto, I was like, " That bitch!", but now that I read that she obviously feels some sort of regret for that desicion, I dont hate her anymore.
| Guest chapter 4 . 11/10/2012
| auto-nin500 chapter 4 . 11/6/2012
Village hidden in the rye sounds good that's just something I came up with also as you have made Naruto smart you could have him use Aizen's power to hide the village or you could have had him fool the village of Kiri into thinking Mei Terumi was still in her cell and made them not see them those suggestion's might help you or not depending on how much of the stories plot you have planned I hope you can put these to good use.
| Clown That Sleep's chapter 4 . 10/29/2012
very good update soon if at all
| thatwhichdevours chapter 2 . 10/15/2012
uhhh dude... Tousen Kaname is blind. A picture wouldn't help too much.
| Bluesnowman chapter 4 . 10/11/2012
good so far.