|Reviews for Ferris Wheel|
| Noname chapter 1 . 11/4
Finally. I absolutely adore this couple and you kept the characters canon with sense. Im glad theres a fic with Val coming to here senses because shes not evil and should come to terms with the situation. Good job. Thank you
| toughchick44 chapter 1 . 1/5
This is very good
| SweetestChick chapter 1 . 11/3/2015
Omg so cute!
| baby Cyclopes chapter 1 . 10/21/2015
I love this!
| Turtledude83 chapter 1 . 5/30/2015
D'aaaaaaw!It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!
| draco122 chapter 1 . 4/21/2015
that was very good i really enjoyed it
| NoSignalBlueScreen chapter 1 . 11/2/2014
| Cookiedemon212 chapter 1 . 8/12/2014
Absolutely love it. It was adorable and cute. Great job
| Dani McLean chapter 1 . 6/18/2014
Owrmegarsh this was so cute! I loved their interaction in this! Valerie's behavior was so realistic. Not dumb, just stubborn. I love the fact that they fell asleep o the Ferris wheel. I can just picture trying to explain that one when they get home.
| seireidoragon chapter 1 . 1/26/2014
This was an amazing story and you did a wonderful job in writing the characters!
| HaiJu chapter 1 . 8/12/2013
Alrighty, here’s your critique!
Be warned, it’s pretty thorough. My goal is to help you improve your writing, so I’ll be focusing on points you could improve. Bring your flak jacket and don’t take anything personally, please.
Ooh, I rather like this story. Loved the imagery—noise fading away like fog, Valerie’s suit as “venomous pink fire.” You have a really rich and beautiful vocabulary, so those moments of description really shine.
I’m not a fan of rehashing canon, but you pulled it off here nicely. You focus on descriptive detail and slide in little details to let us know this is during PP without getting repetitive. Love the ending line to that part—Valerie smiling to get Danny to stop looking at her. It neatly ties it into what happened in canon while allowing Val a more in-character response.
Danny’s relationship with Valerie post-PP is one of those unresolved things that a lot of people were left hanging on, so I like that his fic tackles the issue. You manage to make it cute and kind of couple-bonding without going over the top and bashing people over the head with it.
I don’t like that you ignore Sam, especially after their very public kiss in PP; if you’re going to set up Val and Danny romantically, I think it’s important that you at least make a gesture at rationalizing why Danny isn’t with Sam. It’s weird that Valerie wouldn’t think of Sam at all, or that it wouldn’t come up with Danny.
“chocked squeaks” should be “choked squeaks”
Your English is good, but typos slip past everybody, and I spotted maybe half a dozen.
"Your mother," her Dad whispered, "would be so proud."
[Why? Phantom just saved them, not Valerie. After thinking it over I guessed that he was referring to her helping set it up, but I didn’t get that at first.]
“She saw the battle raging over the (closed) circus far before she was even remotely close to it.”
[Do you mean amusement park? I was half expecting Freakshow to show up when I first read this. I’m also not sure why you put ‘closed’ in parentheses.]
"You just said that."
[I’m confused; there are no repeats on Danny’s list.]
Was there a roof on the ferris wheel seat? I found it a little strange that they could fall asleep while being rained on.
Don’t use two words if you can manage with one, it weakens the impact. This is especially important in the action scene, which should be very crisp and to the point.
“Valerie cringed slightly.” is better as “Valerie cringed.”
Take out the fluffy bits of English that don’t do anything for the narrative. Slightly, nearly, briefly, merely and eventually stick out here to me, along with “Almost immediately” and “for a second.”
Use “ly” words sparingly. They can be effective, but often they’re unnecessary (see above) or used in an odd way (ie, “his expression emerged firmly”).
“But” is a word I’ve been struggling with lately; you’re not supposed to start sentences with it, but it’s hard not to use. If the sentence makes sense without it, take it off.
You don’t need it here: “But Danny had disappeared.”
Here it feels necessary: “But hadn't he proved himself to be something more?”
“he said pointedly, nearly forcefully, as if the words weighed his voice down in their importance.”
[This is redundant. Everything after “pointedly” is just a rehash of what pointedly means. You might have been going for emphasis, but it reads as rambling.]
“in its wake were a T-shirt, jeans, and two unsettlingly human-looking forearms.”
The verb tense agreement here (in its wake were a) doesn’t work. You could rephrase it:
“revealing in its wake a T-shirt, jeans…”
“managed a bewildered dive,”
This is a strange use of ‘bewildered’, I’d remove it.
“She just barely held it back, but guilt must have shown up on her face; almost instantaneously, Danny looked absolutely crushed, crumpled over and completely unable to look her in the eye.”
[This feels rushed and a little OOC. You need to give your readers a beat to move from Valerie’s thought to Danny’s reaction. Cramming it all into once long sentence doesn’t give us enough of a sense of action-reaction. I also can’t believe such a strong reaction, since Danny goes sarcastic shortly afterward. Tone it down?]
“mirroring the same expression that nearly every citizen had worn when they'd first learned of the Disasteriod's existence. Hopeful but jaded, knowing deep within that it would take a miracle to change things for the better.”
[You’re getting way off topic, this feels odd and out of place. I’d just leave it at “looked at her wistfully.” Simple is better in this case.]
“Realizing that her constant, interrogative tone was causing Danny to shy away and become more withdrawn within himself, Valerie gave him the benefit of the doubt.”
[You’ve done such a beautiful job of showing and not telling so far that this is really jarring.
Demonstrate that he’s withdrawing, don’t spell it out. Cut back to Danny and show his reaction, then let us see that Val regrets being harsh.]
“attempting to smile but ending up with something more of a silent, open-mouthed scream.”
[Wow, really overdramatic. I actually chuckled when I hit this line, which I don’t think was your intent. I would just leave it at “attempting to smile.”]
“In an instant, the huntress knew not to push it. Even if she wanted to fire off a million questions at this new information, including 'where can I find one?'”
[I love the nod you give to Val’s darker side here, but her leap of logic felt too instantaneous. It might be just the way it’s structured though, hmm. Maybe get rid of “in an instant” and start a new paragraph with “The huntress knew.”]
“After briefly thinking about it, she realized that that would have probably sent the whole night tumbling downhill and hurt Danny on a far more personal level.”
[Wordy. Also telling too explicitly, imho. Don’t overdo it.]
“By the time she'd finally realized that this was not a battle, so there would be no need for such a measure, he'd placed his palm directly on the burn and wrapped his fingers around it.”
[Again, you’re rambling off topic. I’d cut this sentence down to “He placed his palm” and onward.]
Reality stalked in, steady and slow, and expeditiously burst into the front of her mind.
[Wordy and unecessary. Don’t over-explain yourself.]
Danny's emotional state took a sudden 180: he went from depressed to defensive faster than Valerie could pull a trigger.
[Show, don’t tell!]
“And, as her thoughts began to meander and dissipate, the Red Huntress finally put her hatred behind her to look to the future.”
[Overtelling. You’ve already demonstrated her change of heart through the interaction that just happened.]
“The rain continued its pitter-patter, edging the city into a muffled hush.”
[Beautiful imagery in this paragraph, nice job setting the mood.]
“With a gasp, the huntress sat upright, looking wildly taking in her surroundings… she stopped and truly considered trying to fall asleep again, blearily hoping that she could actually ignore everything around her to do so.”
[This emotional shift is strange—that she’d go from startled to sluggish in a split second. You could either expand it to make it feel more natural, or cut the second part out.]
“more like 'shit, I'm doomed' hysterical laughter… gasping for air and wailing obscenities at their misfortune.”
[‘shit I’m doomed’ is pretty colloquial, while “wailing obscenities at their misfortune” is very formal, which feels odd. I’d get rid of the latter.]
There you go! Hopefully it wasn't too rough. I have a tl;dr conclusiony bit for you, but since I've rambled so horribly and FFn is about to cut me off in this review, I'll send it to you via PM.
Thanks for writing!
| pip chapter 1 . 8/8/2013
aw this is adorable!
| Rudolphtheechidna chapter 1 . 8/1/2013
Wow. Gotta admit from start to finish I couldn't stop reading. This was really good that its sorta left me a little speechless
| feedingtheflames chapter 1 . 7/6/2013
Beautiful. I really enjoyed reading this, Val/Danny is my fave DP pairing :DDD
| Zanza Flux chapter 1 . 6/19/2013
Aww, this is so cute. I love this. I wish they had made just a few more episodes after the last one just so we could see how Valerie would handle Danny being half ghost. I think she would act just like how they would in your story. I could picture the end of this story in my head. I get the warm fuzzies from it lol