|Reviews for This Angel in Hell|
| DeletedConfirm chapter 1 . 1/8/2015
Hello, hello Giry!
Warning: Fandom blind.
Beautiful, imaginative story and I really enjoyed this one shot! The ending was so bittersweet that I have tears in my eyes and needing some tissues to cling onto. If I can gather it right, that this is quite a spiritiual read and because the dead girl is wanting all about freedom when her real intention was all about wanting freedom.
Let's see... you got four characters: Robert, George, Lillian and Kristin. I don't know who the Captain is nor Kristin and there is a point that I really want to draw your attention to why I found this story truly amazing.
You opened your story to a gloomy effect. You brought out the emotion of this character your re-telling the readers and what I honestly enjoy most is making me confuse (a good thing by the way), wondering who this "You" person is until the end that had the big bang effect and her name was only mention at the end "Lillian".
I enjoy how you have portrayed this character "Lillian", beginning the story with her gloomy effect of hatred and she had no emotion whatsoever. There was only hate and how she hated her situation. I really enjoy the phrased:
"His hell is your eternal damnation"
"His hands will remind you of the love that he was the one who caused your Robert to die" - Correct me if I'm wrong, does that mean that "George" is the Captain or the Captain was a different person. Because most of the time, you did say "He" a lot, so, it got me wondering who's who. You did an excellent job there. Kudos on that!
"Joy is a dancing silhoutte, a rememberance of a better time of your life"
"You see him every often, the man who shares your hell" - Oh man, oh man, I can feel Lillian's pain. It just gives me the shivers, this phrase!
"The same pain flows through your body over and over again in a never-ending cycle of agony" - Wow, absolutely beautiful and again bitter grief.
"You can hear voices that you are certain aren't a figment of your imagination" - I wasn't sure whether to laugh on this one, but, then again, I'm a person who does believe ghost stories and I know Asia countries are popular, that they are real. Lol! I can understand this phrase cause just reminds me of ghost story effect.
"You have become your enemy."
"... for eternal salvation will never be sweet with the guilt of his damnation on your soul." - so much pain, yet, so much sorrow!
I say this one shot was like a true Romeo and Juliet style of death because Lillian did see Robert in the end. Why I found this one shot very surprising because I did not expect Lillian to be dead. Well, given the fact that I'm a fandom blinder. I thought that Lillian was alive! Poor Kristin, getting all confuse with Lillian.
Excellent one-shot, Giry! A really bittersweet ending that creates a big bang effect! :)
| Cheile chapter 1 . 3/31/2014
Past time I officially reviewed this :D
I don't think i've read anything in second-person POV since I used to read Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid. But you do it perfectly. From the first word, I'm pulled into the image you have painted of Lillian's personal hell. Her slow descent into the madness she now is trapped in. her wondering at Robert's fate and even if he is even waiting for her or remembers her. I can feel like I AM Lillian and it's uber-scary, but in a good way.
And then everything changes when she senses the strangers. I like how you paint the contrast of the moment before she realizes Kristin is with them, initially locking the door to keep them out then changing her mind and allowing Kristin access. For them, it was two seconds—for Lillian, she had eternity, since spirits aren't bound by such things as time.
It is kinda interesting that she sees Kristin as “young”, when her own corporeal self was barely older than Lucas during her living years. But again, it's a nice reminder to the (fandom-blind) reader of Lillian's true current form. The contrast throughout after Lillian's takeover of Kristin's body is also very interesting. She seems both in control (shutting down Kristin's consciousness with a wave of the hand/deciding she will kill the crew if they try to take Kristin off the George) and not (done all [you] can/having doubts). I do really love Lillian's realization that her moment of doubt makes her realize that, in her madness and grief, she's become no better than he whom she despises.
And Lillian's joy at seeing Robert again was quite lovely. :) How all the madness fades away as she remembers love and joy...beautiful defining moment for her. I also like the very last part, how you explain that she let Kristin's mind go AFTER she, Robert, and the captain left...because watching that moment in the episode itself confused me initially (I wondered why Kristin wouldn't be herself right BEFORE they left but your explanation fills in that little hole the scriptwriters neglected ;) as always, wonderful writing, dear :D
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 1 . 12/15/2013
Oh jesus, even after reading the first two sentences I'm already in love with your second-person style in this. So far, it's absolutely genius, especially considering that you've writing for the horror genre.
'everlastingly' - sounds a bit clunky. 'Forever,' maybe? 'His face is an everlasting reminder'? something? On the other hand, love your use of 'so absolutely' in the same paragraph. You've got an accidental page break in the middle of a sentence in the next paragraph, but I'm assuming you've already had that pointed out to you! lol
'Joy is a dancing silhouette' - YES. I am all over this metaphor. This is an excellent metaphor. Really paints happiness as being tantalizingly, almost mockingly out of reach.
I really like how you've been peppering mentions of Robert across such vivid descriptions of how your narrator feels; it's a great balance of backstory with present.
'never ending' - should have a hyphen in there. Moreover, though, the whole bit 'never ending cycle of agony. You feel that cycle as it repeats itself' sounds overly redundant to me, since 'never-ending,' 'cycle,' 'cycle,' and 'repeats' spaced that closely together all essentially mean the same thing. I've also noticed you have a tendency of leaving out commas between independent clauses - they're not technically necessary because you do this when the clauses are short and the commas are optional, but it sounds a little weird and I think would flow more nicely if you included them. 'what was once your quarters' - should be 'were.'
'what used to be your chest' - OH MY GOD YES THIS. That's such a powerful and gorgeous reflection on just how how dehumanized she feels - just how dehumanized she /is/ - here. Same with 'imaginary breath' - I'm not sure how literally you mean this, but either way, it really makes a statement. (...and now you've explained it when you call her a 'sheet' of energy, but either way, still love this.)
Possibly because I like modernism too much, it's a pet peeve of mine when people too explicitly state the emotions of their characters, especially narrators, rather than relying on dialogue or indirect explanations (like mannerisms, etc.). You've done a great job with show-don't-tell throughout this, since your imagery is so vivid, but once your narrator and 'he' (not sure who that is, since I'm fandom-blind!) start talking and she forgives him, the description of her emotions feels a bit unnecessarily overdone to me, since you list off explicitly a lot of her reactions in a short span of space - 'guilt begins to course through you,' 'a reaction of joy, elation, astonishment, and so many other emotions,' 'anger slowly dissolving,' 'you want to forgive him,' 'your own face lights up with joy.'
I obviously couldn't follow the literal plot here because I haven't seen the episode, but I thoroughly enjoyed your writing style here either way. Again, the second person was a brilliant choice particularly for a story like this, and you had some lovely, vivid depictions of the scene and of the pain riddled throughout the piece.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 1 . 11/12/2013
My muse has fell in love with this fic Giry. :D So have I, but it's far rarer for my muse to get into /reading/ fics.
It's really easy to lose myself in this one; three sentences in I had to remind myself I was reading a fic and not listening to something like Wallmart. It seems a little counterintuitive, that you're using filler words like "that" and "was" that normally one would think could be edited out to make the piece more succinct, but in this case are necessary to set the voice and timing of each of these ideas. Put it with a whispery voice and the perfect little piece before going to bed early (except it's midday, but oh well).
"...eternity, for you are trapped in the same prison." - this phrase seems to come out of the narrative a little. It's somewhat jarring, although the idea melts quite nicely into it. Maybe a little rewording.
"You can only feel/and sorrow." - stray paragraph break and I think a word is missing there as well.
"The same pain flows through your body over and over again in a never ending cycle of agony" - that sentence really does make it seem never ending - the way it continues on like that.
"And you are petrified that it will never stop." - a very nice invisible pause there; I almost thought it was over, even though the line was at the top of my screen. You're muddling up my senses!
"modicum" - that's a word I don't think I've come across before. *files away for future reference*
The way the tone shifts about halfway through is so smooth I almost did a double-take when I realised, and then it's like it's slapped me in the face. It's always entertaining to fall for things like that. :D
"You can see the wonder" - "wonder" is an interesting word to use for that.
The transformation three quarters of the way through is very nicely written as well, though I admit I got a little confused in my first reading. Maybe it was because I'm unfamiliar with the setting, but it made far more sense in the second reading. The idea of the grudge and forgiveness is very nicely brought out as well; how holding a grudge won't hurt just the person who's receiving it but the person holding it as well.
"still standing by your bones looking sorrowfully after them" - I think that would work better with a comma there.
"your hatred his transformed" - "has" transformed.
Aww, what a beautiful ending. Not at all what I expected with your second genre being "Horror". :D I suppose it leaned more towards the spiritual.
Next time I'm awake after 1am, I'm definitely coming back to this.
| kat'n'kat chapter 1 . 11/4/2013
Ok, so I have never ever heard of Sea Quest and now I wish I have! This story is amazing even though I have no idea what is going on or who these people are.I think I'll have to go look it up then come back when I have a better understanding of it, but it's still really good!
| Rosawyn chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
Minor fandom blindness warning: I have seen a few episodes of the show and I'm generally familiar with the concept and characters, but I have not seen this specific episode. (You probably know me well enough to know that, but I figured I'd mention it anyway.)
The opening here really drew me in. I think I have a really good sense of the terrible prison Lillian is trapped in here. The sense of her helplessness is strong, and it makes me wish there was something I could do to help her.
There seems to be something missing between the end of the third paragraph and the beginning of the forth? “You can only feel...and sorrow”? Only feel what and sorrow?
I love the metaphor, “Joy is a dancing silhouette,” by the way. :)
So it would seem that this situation is the tragic result of a love triangle, where Lillian and Robert were both in love with each other, but some other man desired Lillian. The man she is now trapped with. I get a strong sense of Lillian and Robert's love for each other and how much she misses him.
I absolutely love the lines about how she knows it's wrong but is unable to remember what is right.
I imagine the ship did indeed look a bit more grand before it sank, lol.
It's sad that Lillian can't even cry. She has no release for her emotions.
The irrationality of Lillian's hatred for men in general despite Robert being a man...hmm, that must be some sort of trope? It's like Magneto's hatred for humans despite his parents being humans. Sort of like conveniently forgetting key details for the sake of “justified” rage. I think it really fits here, because you have established that Lillian isn't anything even approaching sane.
I like how the affinity between Kristin and Lillian clearly goes beyond the simple fact that they are both female. Lillian initially chose Kristin for her gender, but now she's seeing that their similarities are deeper than that. :)
I am curious about “the captain's” name. It's a little difficult to follow the story when he has no name given.
I also wonder what is written in her diary that makes the captain so angry. My best guess is that it's something about how much she loves Robert or how she can't stand the captain or something along those lines?
I have no idea what the “something small and black” might be that they force between her teeth? I'm guessing that's something that was shown in the actual episode, but as someone who hasn't seen it, I'm just lost here.
I'm also a bit confused as to why Lillian doesn't want to leave the ship – I thought she wanted to escape?
It was interesting to see how this all played out from the point of view of a character who had very little control over any of the events. It almost felt like she was a passive heroine, waiting for rescue, but I guess she did take a pretty active role in her escape first by reaching out to Kristin and then by choosing to forgive the captain, something that clearly wasn't an easy thing to do.
I noticed a typo in the 4rth from last paragraph: “hatred his transformed” should be “hatred is transformed.”
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
Very spooky and eerie opener here, which is perfect given that Halloween was a few days ago. Love the sinewy insinuation of a “nightmarish man” with “clammy hands” reaching towards my face. Made me think of a 3D version of Freddy Krueger quite honestly (of course, I’d go Krueger as my mental picture of a nightmarish man ha).
Absolutely love that you present this story in the ‘your’ verse of the second-narrator style. It makes me inject myself into the plot as the character that is physically speaking out, who is physically experiencing everything that you are describing. It is almost as if these are my set of memories, my set of experiences that I am relating, my thoughts as I linger within my prison hell. It makes the piece more powerful, gives it more definition and depth in that regard to me because there’s so much that you can do with this POV that first person would have limited and third person would have ruined. Very wise choice.
The spooky aspect between the Captain and Kristin and this ghost woman was just fantastic. You really created something there in that section where it paints the Captain as the fiend he apparently is. I’m at a point in the story (I read and review as I go along so if things seem disjointed, I do apologize) where the diary is mentioned and I’m left curious about what happened in the final entry to make the Captain react as he did.
Ah, I understand now what the entry must have said. Love how you left it ambiguous quite honestly, but gave me the answer when they entered the ballroom. This was a perfect ending. Was the only way that this story could have ended quite honestly (though, sure, ya coulda been mean and ended it with darkness and death … ). It is picture perfect and brings life and death back full circle, taking hatred and turning it back into love, showing redemption and salvation and how one can be rewarded if they can find forgiveness in their hearts.
This line: (Instead of the grandeur of the shop that has so impressed you as a young girl, you see a stinking, festering prison.): love the play of the words, twisting something that was beautiful when you were alive into something that has gone rotten, fetid, ugly and cold in death. It’s a powerful representation of the cycle of life and death to me.
This line: (You can see your own bones rotting and pain swells in your mind at the sight.): Just an absolutely powerful piece of imagery.
Just a point, but here:
((You can only feel … And sorrow)): where I have the ellipses there’s seemingly some format problem with the lines being separated, and a word missing. Not sure if that was FFN being a glitchy pain in the butt or what, but I thought I’d point it out :)
And one more:
((His transformed)): I think you mean ‘has’ here.
Absolutely loved this story, thought it was perfect. Really love how you highlight Kristin only here, it gives the story more of an impact and keeps with the symmetry of the POV that you were striving for. Excellent job m’dear!
| Igenlode Wordsmith chapter 1 . 10/29/2013
Revenge, redemption, enduring love - my kind of fiction! I'm not much of a hand at reviewing fandom-blind, but this story called to me.
As I understand it, Lillian has nothing left to her save punishing the man she hates for the death of her lover, even if she loses everything of her original self in the process; they are trapped together as one another's torment. And we feel vividly throughout this story her hate and her despair, and her obsessive madness.
Favourite sentences: "You know that he must be in a better place than this... You might even dare to hope that he still loves you, that he is waiting just over the barrier between worlds... But it has been so long."
"Tears might have fallen down your cheeks if you were still breathing. But, as it is, you are only capable of sitting and drowning."
"And you need to feel that understanding so badly that it aches."
I hadn't even noticed the second-person present-tense viewpoint until I looked at the reviews, so it certainly works here. From the point of view of the setting, I gathered that we are on a sunken ship but was a bit confused as to whether it was actually flooded or not: from the descriptions it doesn't sound as if the characters are floating underwater, but then there is a moment where it is implied that Kristin is using some kind of breathing apparatus, and Lillian mentions 'drowning'. Not an issue, presumably, once one has actually seen the episode in question...
I was every bit as surprised as Lillian by the complete ease with which Kristin seems to allow a hostile ghost (who has trapped her in the cabin and used "fire and ice" to stop her friends rescuing her) to take over her body; again, I assume this is simply canon. I'm not very clear as to what exactly happens in consequence and whether Lillian is controlling Kristin's body or simply being carried around inside it - nor how why she needs anything more from the woman than simply having her diary entries read would achieve - so I'm evidently missing quite a lot by not knowing the original here.
But it doesn't matter, as the impact of the story concentrates on Lillian's emotional trajectory from hate to hope to forgiveness. You managed to make me feel the sheer joy of her reunion with Robert - an entirely unexpected gift, while the 'forgiveness equals mutual redemption' story was in a sense always on the cards - despite having had so few actual references to a character who, on the face of it, appears only at the start of the story and only as an allusion. She has clung to the image of Robert's constancy and longing as an impossible dream for which she cannot hope; and when the impossible comes true, the reader, too, is caught up in the leap of it.
(I was actually left thinking of the Arthur/Lancelot/Guinevere triangle here, albeit in the Guy Gavriel Kay version where they are constantly reincarnated in mutual torment until it is finally permitted for Guinevere to take both men up to heaven with her.)
There are various typos, but I think other people have already listed them all... Other issues:
I don't think one can speak of "the tortured visage" of someone's *eyes*: eyes don't themselves have faces, and to me 'visage' means 'face', whether literally or metaphorically.
How does Lillian manage to make the diary pages flip if Kristin has been hurled on top of the book?
"Your own face lights up with joy and his name slides off of your tongue as you fight back tears of joy": 'off of' is ungrammatical there, and the 'of' is certainly unneeded. Also, you've used 'joy' twice in the same sentence: while that could be a deliberate stylistic choice, in this case it doesn't read like one.
I also saw that you've used "you scowl" twice in a row to describe Lillian's reaction to the newcomers: "A group of men. You scowl...You feel one of them try the doorknob of your bedroom and you scowl". Perhaps she could explicitly 'scowl again'?
| zanganito chapter 1 . 10/28/2013
I don’t see 2nd person POV very often, and I liked how you used it in your story. It can sometimes be a tricky POV to get just right, but you use it well, and it works nicely to bring the reader even closer to Lillian’s state of mind, almost experiencing the same things she does.
I only noticed a few minor typos and formatting errors while reading your story:
“Your hatred his transformed into love” I think you meant *has*
And in the third paragraph, there is a break in the middle of a sentence, but maybe ffn decided to be buggy with your story today. :(
I really enjoyed how the story was structured, going through all the emotions that Lillian experienced while slowly revealing the backstory a few pieces at a time. I’m not familiar with the canon material, but I was able to follow the story (and Darkin’s notes helped).
I also enjoyed the ending, with Lillian overcoming her pain by forgiving others and replacing hatred with love. It’s a very powerful image. Good job with this!
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 10/28/2013
For the Story of the Week thread . . Fandom-blind! .
I really like how personal the introduction is, how well it makes you actually imagine yourself in that horrifying situation. I also love the element of horror you create, especially with your chilling word choices: 'clammy hands', 'nightmarish' and 'screams' really send chills down my spine. O.o I also like the horro created by the way that there's no escape - 'being trapped with that same man for all eternity.' I think it's really creepy how every single aspect of this man reminds the character of something horrid, and the fact that she's trapped in that forever is absolutely horrid. I think you've created a great intro that really pulls you in and frightens you. I also like the contrast between 'true' and a 'figment of your imagination', perhaps as if the character is unsure of what is and isn't reality, almost as if she's losing her mind. I love the description of 'joy' as a 'silhouette', almost as if happiness is nothing but a shadow of past, better days for the character now. I like the use of 'shares' in 'shares your hell', since there's even more of that sense that there is no escape from this frightening man. I also love the contrast of being with him, yet he does not exist, possibly furthering that idea of a slip into insanity, like the man might just be all in her imagination. I also like the blunt, bleak realisation in 'But you know this can never be.' I think that the sense of forlorn hope that Robert still loves the character is good as well, since it seems whilst she's strongly hoping he does, she knows he won't, and so do we, the readers. 'Barrier between worlds' shows their separation so well.
I noticed that there is a lot of a sense of 'unchanging' in this story- there's the sense of an eternal Hell with this man, and there's also 'The same pain flows through your body over and over again in a never ending cycle of agony. ' I think it's even more frightening that it feels as if the character will never be able to escape this vicious circle. I also like the repeated use of 'you', since it not only makes it more personal towards the reader, putting them in the characters' shoes, but also has a kind of blaming element to it. I also like the recurring idea that the good times are a mere shadow now- 'Love is but a memory'- and that the character can't even trust her own mind now- 'Sanity is a joke'. I love how suddenly, the whole ship has become some kind of a bloodbath in the character's eyes. I also like the shock of the voices that belong to a new group of people... I wonder who they belong to?
Woah, this next part has completely made me think again. Please excuse me if I'm wrong, but maybe it isn't madness that the character is seeing all the blood everywhere? 'They are alive. Really and truly alive.' I'm not entirely sure now which is in her mind and which isn't - the living people, or the blood and bones. IT might just be that I'm stupid and I've missed something, but the confusion here actually really adds to the story. Now I feel almost as confused of which is reality as the character is. :) I really like the introduction to Kristin; as soon as we see her, there's an element of hope. But is this hope forlorn? Hmm... I also notice that Kristin's introduction brings some character development; suddenly, some of the character's human feelings seem to be returning to her: 'Something within you that is still capable of feeling human'. I also like how the dialogue isn't actually in dialogue tags, and it's italicised, rather like thoughts are written in prose; I think that only furthers the idea that it's just in the character's head. I really like how there's a little glimmer of hope rising; it's very heart-warming considering how dark the beginning of the story was. :)
Aww, I love how well you show hope being 'short-lived'. The previous sentence was about hope, the next sentence after is about the loss of hope. I really love how, when the captain arrives, the action is taken up to eleven and the tension rises so well and so gradually. However, I really love the part where the character seems to become all she was ever opposed to- her own worst enemy. I really love how the character is suddenly in the ballroom, and now I'm finally convinced that the whole situation is almost definitely in her mind...I really like how the simple words 'I forgive you' seem to change a lot for the character.
Aww, I really like that ending. I like that, in death, Lillian has been able to finally find happiness, by the sounds of things. Lovely work. Sorry if I've made any gender mistakes or anything. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here's my critique/suggestions for you. If you have any questions, please ask. :)
. (...cannot love. You can only feel) This sentence requires a full stop at the end. :)
. (he was not damned to hell) When referring to Hell/Heaven as the place, as far as I know, it is better to capitalise it. :) [he was not damned to Hell]
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Although fandom-blindness left me a little confused, I still very much enjoyed this story. I love the flow of prose you manage to create, as well as how well you put your reader sin the character's shoes. You've done a wonderful job at creating different atmospheres, and I really like how well you've focused this story on the psychological confusion in the character. Excellent work. Keep up the good work. :)
| kamizon chapter 1 . 10/28/2013
Good. Very good.
I started at the top thinking this would be like most scary oneshots; quick and brutal. But this one had me feeling every single word. It was like being in the same room as the events played out around me. Excellent characterization.
The end was pretty good too. Redeeming the villain is something that made this story whole.
I enjoyed this.
| starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 10/28/2013
Warning: Completely fandom-blind :)
This is a rather interesting piece! While I cannot comment on characterisation, I think the way you've described Lillian's feelings, especially at the beginning, was fabulous. I definitely did not need to know canon to enjoy this piece at all.
Maybe I'm missing canon information, but I also liked the fact that you've kept much of Lillian's past shrouded in mystery, showing us only the bare bones necessary for the story - it keeps the story that much more full of suspense, and keeps a reader wanting more.
I did notice a couple of SPaG errors:
[can only feel
and sorrow. Joy] I believe you're missing a word there, and the formatting seems to have gone on the fritz too...
[hatred his transformed into love] I'm pretty sure it's meant to be "has," not "his"
I really liked the fact that Lillian is so unaccustomed to anything but sorrow and hatred - it's very believable, considering how long she spent alone with only her killer as company.
This was lovely - well done! :)
| Ersatz Einstein chapter 1 . 10/28/2013
You misuse the past perfect tense in one place, and you have a tendency to use words that are slightly wrong (such as "infinity" instead of "eternity" and "remembrance" instead of "reminder"). The shift from gradual progression to action is a little difficult, and the mood of the former makes the reader a little too distant to enjoy the latter.
However, Lilian is beautifully characterized, and the hints of her life you provide are enough to give even someone with no knowledge of the fandom enough context to appreciate the narrative without overwhelming members of the fandom. Your narration was otherworldly and emotional, particularly in the eighth paragraph.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 7/5/2013
MOAR vintage Giry! (I have no idea what I'm up to. Sixty? Something like that...? :))
As you're aware, I'm stilll very shaky with canon and will no doubt say lots of incredibly stupid things in the lines to come. Also, I'm totally aware that this is an old fic- I'm going to review it knowing you don't write quite the same way, and with the assumption that you'll want to revise even if you don't ;)
While I liked the first lines, I thought they could perhaps be made stronger if they were stripped down a little. While we're very different writers with different styles, I'd try something like:
"Imagine that your every moment was filled with your screams and tears. Imagine that your sleep wass tainted with visions of a man with clammy hands that reached towards your face."
"Shares your hell" I was really gripped by this aside because I've always thought of suffering/hell as something that can't be shared... it's an interesting concept indeed.
"Sitting and drowning." You had it even a year and a bit ago :)
"That is obvious." I'd take that line out; doesn't add anything. Same with the later "but she doesn't."
"I release you." "I forgive you." Perfect examples of less-is-more. I love it. And of course, the understated last lines, too. Well done x
| jack63kids chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
It doesn't matter that your readers may not know the fandom - I do not - but the emotion and tension of this story transcends that. Well written and gripping, I was able to engage with the characters and their predicament. Possibly it made for more tension as I might have been missing some of the back-story and so didn't know motivation for characters that might have been more obvious to a seasoned fan of SeaQuest.
I both felt for and feared your protagonist. You portray her as a complex character with uncertain motives, through her desperation at her circumstances rather than her character. Writing from her perspective in the 2nd person really works for this story - adds some drama as well as a personal perspective.
Pity to mention this: 'The only emotion that you are capable of it hatred.' - 'The only emotion that you are capable of is hatred.'
Fantastic first story for any fandom, so glad that I happened upon this.