|Reviews for Alice in NightmareLand|
| Ranguvar27 chapter 3 . 5/19/2012
Hello, tense shift! That was...unexpected. Sadly, it doesn't make this story any easier to read. Of course, this could also be due to the fact that it's one Giant Wall Of Text. I honestly cannot tell where one idea ends and another begins.
So...Alice got cut, is what I'm getting from this. Because if there's more, than it's buried under the horrid formatting.
No, wait-there's an evil laugh, then someone says her name, then she gets cut...I think.
You are in desperate need of a Beta.
| Ranguvar27 chapter 2 . 4/16/2012
And...two is just as poor. I've already gone into detail about how this is Not!Alice, so let's focus on Not!Queen of Hearts. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you've never read the book. (In the movie, Iracebeth is actually a combo of the Red Queen and Queen of Hearts.) The Queen of Hearts in the book is all bluster and no action. She screams at Alice-and Alice promptly tells her to shut up. Mind you, this was when Alice was SIX.
Flying is not the same as teleporting.
And of course, we can't go one paragraph without being reminded that *Sniff* Alice's mother has died and left her all alone in the cold, cruel, loveless world, and her life is just chock full of horrible horribleness. *Plays world's smallest violin*
And now we get a whiff of plot. Granted, it's Generic Plot #2478. Wonderland is in trouble, and only the Mary Sue that is Not!Alice can save it. Yes, I know that was the plot of the movie. But Burton pulled it off decently enough. Also, Alice wasn't a raging Sue.
[The wind howling calmly]
Was it also a gale-like breeze? Howling indicates *loud.* Calm and loud do not go together.
Where'd the wolves come from? Which leads me to a question I meant to ask last chapter-where exactly does this take place? I know it's America, from the reference to high school, and the way of speaking, but where in America? And how did the rabbit hole get there from the Ascot Estate in 1878 where it belongs? Did it hitch a ride on the TARDIS?
And then we come to Badfic Cliche # 450. The Mary Sue is attacked by vicious wolves. As someone who loves wolves and finds them to be beautiful and noble creatures, I am insulted. Why are the wolves attacking her? Wait-I know why. It was because they sensed she was a Sue! Go wolves! Get her! Tear her throat out!
Ahh, damn it, she got away. Stupid plot contrivances.
So, she falls down the hole while unconscious, notices that she's in a dark room that is very dark(Paging the Department of Redundancy Department), then passes out. Err...when did she wake up? Has she slipped into a coma?
When will this story actually stop being cliched and boring?
| Ranguvar27 chapter 1 . 4/16/2012
How can I put this in the most straightforward manner possible?
This story is horrible. You need to do some serious revisions to make it get up to mediocre. Now, I won't fault you for spelling or grammar, since you at least have a semi-decent grasp of those. (Though your and you're are not the same) No, where you need to do some serious working is in plot and characterization, setting, and your tendency to randomly change your POVs.
Let's start with the first. Plot. Now, while your summary did intrigue me enough to make me click on the story, there is no mention here of why the Cheshire Cat-who was at best neutral in the books and on Mirana's side in the movie-suddenly decides to take over Underland and populate it with 'shad-people'. (By the way, you do know a shad is a type of fish, right? Fish-people are spooky, but I think a Cat would have other uses for them.) Instead, we are suddenly thrust into America in the '90s. Sweetie, Alice in Wonderland takes place in England in the late 1800s. Even today, there is no such thing as 'high school.' Research is your friend.
We get some blather about how nobody loves Alice and she's a poor depressed speshul snowflake, which leads me to the second bit-your abysmal characterization of Ali...excuse me, Generic Mary Sue #39078.
[She had long blonde hair that shone whenever she walked into the sunlight]
And when she walked in the rain, it would sing 'Rain, Rain Go Away.' Look, I don't care how many products you use on your hair, if it's glowing, you're not a normal human being.
[Blue eyes that sparkled like stars glimmering within the blackness of the night sky, her body was petite yet she wasn't good at sports]
You mean she has blue eyes and was short but clumsy? See, I managed all that description in less than six words. Conservation of Detail is important. Don't use ten words when one will do. And you really don't need to tell us about her lips and dimples. We don't care. At least I don't.
Moving on past her Generic Mary Sue looks, we now come to Generic Mary Sue Angst List, and you've managed to hit nearly every one.
Dead parent? Check!
Tragic death of previous deceased? Check, mother died of cancer.
Remaining parent hates Al...Mary Sue? Check! Father blames Alice for everything and dotes on sister.
Beautiful, but hated and teased by everyone in school for no apparent reason except for one person that is also a Stu? Check!
Description of just how badly everyone treats her, and a repeat of the lamentation that SHE'S ALL ALONE AND NO ONE LOVES HER? CHECK.
Wants to die or escape from the cruel, cruel world? CHECK!
Now, to the random POV switches. First you have past tense, then present tense, then back to past, but no! Now we're in the present again. Pick a tense and stick with it. My advice-do past, you're not good enough to pull off present well.
You do have an interesting story idea, but this first chapter does not bode well for things to come. My advice-get a Beta, scrap the 'Modern Day MS as Alice' plot-they're never that good to begin with, and focus on Chessur as the main character.
Now, on to Chapter Two!